Merkan-English Dictionary #16. Ish.

M'kay, I've been stealing borrowing words from other blogs for this one, but obviously I had to, because boy, have youse dudes got some crazy ideas about what even the smiplest words mean. Or how to spell them. *cough*

Technology

Merkan: i-Phone.

English Scotch: Och-aye phone¹.

A bit of background: When I was young, younger than before, we upgraded one of our 370/158s by a whole megabyte. The computer itself was a behemoth to start with, but the extra storage was the size of a large fridge-freezer, took a skilled engineer a whole day to connect up, needed an upgrade to the power supply, cost a fortune to buy and to run, and frequently broke down. But it meant we could play Adventure on night shift.

Little Miss Farty dropped in yesterday to watch the Big Bang and showed us her new och-aye phone. It comes with GPS, touch-sensitive screen, iPod, the current version of the interweb, phone, camera, eight Gigabytes of memory, oh and it's hand-held of course.
"Aye, verry good, but how much did it set ye back?"
"Och, dinnae be silly Pa, it wiz a free upgrade wi' mah contract."

Still needs a power cable ten miles long, I bet. *harrumph*

Time

Merkan: I've been trying to think of a word for two weeks.

English: Fortnight.

Seriously. Why don't you use this word?


English: Autumn.
Ah, a beautiful time of year, when the warm summer sun begins to wane, the leaves turn from green to gold, russet, burnt orange, and deep crimson, then finally to caramel, before they gently swirl to the forest floor, building up a deep carpet for the young and the young-at-heart to kick their way through². Camp fires in the evenings with the enticing smell of woodsmoke curling up into the deep blue sky. Marshmallows toasting over the embers on sharpened sticks...ok, I'm drooling now.

Merkan: Fall.

Food and Drink

English: Squash.
A delicious drink made from, would you believe, squashed fruit? Basically. But so much more goes into it. A bit like that wardrobe.

Merkan: Coke.
Fact - between them, the Coca-Cola Company and Pepsi, Inc., spend seventeen gazillion dollars a year advertising their respective "products". But if you walk into a corner shop (drugstore? I'll have to do that sometime too) and ask for a Coke, and the guy at the checkout says they've only got Pepsi, the typical response is: "Yeah, whatever."


English: Tea.
A hot beverage made with dried leaves in boiling water. Usually available in about 150 varieties, so that you can pick the one most suitable for the time of day/mood/social occasion/etc. Served with milk and/or sugar. And sometimes lemon. Quick and easy, too, since it takes about ten seconds to boil the water with a 240-volt mains supply.

Merkan: Iced Tea.
Understandable. It takes about a week to boil a kettle in Merka. 120 volts? WTF??? The only thing iced tea is good for is being poured into Boston harbour.


Merkan: Muffins. Mmmm, tasty muffins!


English: Toasted Crumpet. Mmmm, tasty crumpet!



¹ So sue me.
² Note spelling.

Merkan-English Dictionary #13

For some reason I thought I might be running out of material by now. (Don't you wish!)

Lemonade

Self-explanatory, really. Without doing any actual research, since that would be too much like hard work, I'd have to say that British lemonade, as sold in bottles, has never been near an actual lemon. It's fizzy, and sweet, slightly bitter, and that's about it.

Not to be confused with Merkan Cream Soda, which is even sweeter but without the bitter edge. I've never tried Merkan Cream Soda as sold in Merka, but something tells me it ain't the same.

Merkan lemonade appears to be some weird concoction made from yellow fruit and cane sugar. What is that all about?


Oh. And British soda is a cooking ingredient.

Are there any more Merkan/English words which you find confusing? Do let me know and I'll try to splain for you!

Toot toot!

Merkan-English Dictionary #3

Time now for another thrilling installment of the excitingly-titled Merkan-English Dictionary, where I explain to our cousins across the Pond what words really mean - and sometimes how they ought to be spelt and pronounced. Like "al-um-IN-ium".

I'm afraid that if you've come here looking for a cute underage chick with a hairy pussy, you'll be sadly disappointed. Unless you're heavily into animals.

Because, as previously explained, a pussy is in fact a Cat.

Never mind, maybe you'll have better luck with an ass in the air?

Sorry, but in Englandland - and Scotchland for that matter - an ass is a four-legged beast of burden. As against the Merkan ass, which is a different kettle of fish altogether.

Here in the UK, we call this an arse.

No, wait. That's an arse-licker. Sorry.

And if a British gentleman declares that he wishes to take his ladyfriend up the arsenal, well I'm afraid that he may well be referring to The Beautiful Game.

And not anal sex after all.

Hope that's cleared up a few misconceptions.

Merkan-English Dictionary - Football Special

David Beckham began life as a Los Angeles Galaxy player today.

So naturally the first question people are going to ask is, "Who the feck are LA Galaxy?"

Apparently they are a Merkan football team - not to be confused with a Merkan Football team.

Football, for the uninitiated, is a game played all over the world. It mostly involves kicking a ball with the foot - hence the name - although much entertainment can be derived from either kicking the players on the opposing team or better still, pretending to have been kicked by them and rolling around on the pitch. The spherical ball can only be touched with the hands by the goalkeeper (net-minder) or anyone called Maradona.

In the UK, the national team is Engerland. Scotch supporters will support any international team that is playing against Engerland, with the sole exception of France, when we hope both teams will lose. Merkans call football "soccer". Feck knows why.

There is a peculiar thing called the Offside Rule, but it's probly too complicated for Merkans to understand.

Rugby, by comparison, is a contact sport, played with oval balls by real men and real women. Not usually at the same time - that's a different contact sport altogether. I once went out with a Merkan lady rugby player - she knew her balls alright.

Merkan Football isn't football at all. It's played with a rugby ball, but the players dress up for the part in padded suits and motorbike helmets in case they get a nasty bump. Wusses. Merkan Football is played all over the world in the USA.

David Beckham is famous for being married to a twig.

Merkan-English Dictionary #6

The time has come, I fear, to address Bossy's issues with shoes.

First off, Car Boots are not footwear for driving. Go back and read Part 5 properly. Honestly, the fuckwittage I have to put up with!

On the subject of boots, the Wellington Boot is a knee-length rubber boot designed for kids to splash in puddles with. Hence the expression "Giving It Welly".

Wellies are inedible, unlike Beef Wellington.

This seems like a perfect opporchancity to mention La Cubana Gringa. I've heard about Cuban Heels, but it wasn't until I read her blog that I realised what the term refers to.


You live and learn.

When I was at Primary School (first to seventh grade), we wore gumshoes to gym. The Merkan equivalent appears to be "sneakers".

Although why a wheelchair-bound detective should need sports footwear is beyond me.

The Stiletto, as any fule kno, is an Italian short sword.

But anyone can make a mistake. Especially with pictures like this to confuse you.

The Thong isn't English or Merkan, it's Australian. But being a sandal, it does count as a shoe.

And it gives me an excuse to show you - This!

Ner ner ne-ner ner.

Merkan-English Dictionary #14

Hancock: 1. Popular British comedian in the 1950s and 1960s.
2. Popular British actress¹ in the 1950s, 1960s, 1970s, etc. Still going strong.
3. Merkan for signature. Example: "I woke up in hospital and the nurse asked me to put my Hancock on a form." Something to do with Independence Day (not the film).

Bark dust: What Merkan dogs do on a very dry, dusty day. Especially if they've been chasing rabbits through piles of woodchips.

Teeter totter: A Merkan see-saw. Maybe when Dr Webster was compiling his dictionary he thought see-saw was too easy?

Boot: 1. What goes on your foot, and part-way up your leg, over your sock.
2. What you do to a pooter when it won't go. Sometimes with three fingers, sometimes with your boot (see 1).
3. In Britain, the bit on a car where you put the luggage if you don't want it to get wet.

Trunk: 1. In Britain - and by extension in India and Africa, which are really British - the front bit of an elephant.
2. In Merka, a car boot. No, wait. Merkans call a clamp a car boot. Now my head hurts.

Monkey wrench: A Merkan adjustable spanner. Nothing to do with monkeys at all, apparently, sigh. And definitely not to be confused with a Trunk Monkey:


¹ Merkans don't have actresses, just actors. This is why, when they need someone to perform the part of a woman, they get a man to dress up. See Tootsie (Dustin Hoffman), Mrs Doubtfire (Robin Williams) or Sleepless in Seattle (Rosie O'Donnell).

Merkan-English Dictionary - Part I've Totally Lost Count

Long-haired Scotch cows are better known as Weegies on Buckfast, although the Scotch Government has announced plans to rename them as Trumps after receiving a massive bribe cash injection from popular Scotch entrepreneur Donald Wig.

Donald Trump
Highland Cow

Words with a 'T' in the middle.
British Person: What's the name of that Merkan Country singer with the big boobies, Dolly...
Merkan: Pardon?
BP: DOLLY...
Merkan: PARDON.
BP: DOLLY...
Merkan: PARDON!
You can keep this going all day if you work at it.
Dolly Whatsherface

Those things made out of flour, eggs and milk, then baked in a very hot oven for twenty minutes? They're called Yorkshire Puddings. Pop over to Little Red Boat if you don't believe me.
Yorkshire Puddings

When Grandson number two comes to stay overnight, he always asks me to make French Toast for his breakfast. I'm guessing Merkans call that Freedom Toast. Anyway, this is what I use to beat the eggs.
Egg Beater
This? Is just lazy.

Merkan-English Dictionary #17

Thought I'd better splain some English expressions too, for a change.

Bubble and Squeak - A uniquely English dish, composed (or decomposed) of fried up leftovers. And then given an odd name 'cause kids will eat anything with a funny name, as long as they don't see eyeballs.

Spotted Dick - There he is!

Toad in the Hole - Toad. Hole. What could be smipler? Apart from the complete lack of toads or indeed holes. I mean, isn't it obvious that this refers to sausages cooked in Yorkshire Pudding batter? With gravy. Mmmm...

Grill / Broiler - It's a grill because you put stuff under it and then grill it. Broil isn't even a proper word, I bet someone accidentally put an 'r' in 'boil' and then had to come up with a plausible excuse in a hurry and that's the best they could do at short notice. "I'm just going to broil an egg." "You're going to what?" "Erm. Broil an egg? You know, like boiling it only, like, under the grill." "Oh, you mean like scrambled egg on toast, only grilled a bit more after putting the egg on the toast?" "Yes, that's totally what I meant. Broiled. I'm just nipping down to the library to write that in the dictionary since you've obviously never heard of that word before. Then I'll come right back and broil that egg and serve it up and eat it. You want some? "Oh, yes please, can I have mine with some spramped parsley?"

Turnip - We carve these out and put candles in them at Halloween (HAL-LOW-EEN) to make ugly scary faces and that.

McCain - They make French Fries and roast potatoes and that, right?

Merkan-English Dictionary #7

An ongoing attempt to educate them darned Merkans about proper English and that.

• Jello/Jelly - Jell-O^TM is a light and fruity gelatin dessert made from powdered gelatin. Jelly, by contrast, is a nitroglycerine-based explosive used in the mining industry. Anyone who gets these two items confused, fully deserves what happens to their kitchen.


• Brazilian - Despite what Dubya may think, a Brazilian is in fact a native of the South American country, Brazil. Or possibly some kind of wax, but I wouldn't know about that. Ew!


• Radge Wee Midden - When Christina Aguilera hosted the MTV Europe Music Video Awards in Embra in 2003, she confided to about a milliard viewers that a local lad had called her a "radge wee midden", and she chose to take this as a compliment. Bless her cotton knickers.
  "Radge" is more commonly used as a noun than an adjective, but essentially means an outrageous or crazy person.
  "Wee" is a Nintendo^TM games console Scotch word meaning small.
  A "midden" is, er, a place where one disposes of unwanted household refuse.
  So Christina told the world that she is a mental little heap of crap.


• Ming/Minger - Sewmouse tells me that she has decided to "ming up her blog". What an ancient Chinese dynasty has got to do with keeping an online diary beats the hell out of me...
  A minger, OTOH, is an unpleasant or unattractive person. Like Jade Goody or Shilpa Shetty. Take your pick.


• Facial - A deep-cleansing treatment of the face neck and shoulders, obviously. And not in any way related to unsavoury activities such as this one described by Tired Dad.


• Paris Hilton - On this side of the Pond, probly best described as an overpriced fabrication from that foreign country where nobody speaks English, a tacky imitation of Basildon Travelodge, associated with low-quality tv porn, entered by thousands of men, hangs out with Nicole Ritchie - Snap!

Merkan-English Dictionary #9

Yet another effort to reduce the confusion that afflicts Pond-crossers. I'll learn youse guys proper English if it kills me.

• Candyfloss / Cotton Candy

Candyfloss is a sweet, sticky confection that goes all over your face and makes a mess when you eat it. Whereas cotton candy is what your kids have at the fair. FSM, you have got such a filthy mind!


• Full Stop / Period

A full stop is that bit what prevents your sentences from flowing on forever. A period, on the other hand, involves quite a lot of flowing. Unless you have some torpedoes or logs to hand.


• Nappy / Diaper

The word "nappy" is of course derived from "napkin", which is a piece of absorbent cloth what you wear around your neck when you're eating posh nosh¹. I wouldn't recommend wearing a nappy as a bib, at least not a used one, unless you want to lose weight in a hurry.

A diaper is described in Wikipedia as "an absorbent garment worn by individuals who are incapable of controlling their bladder or bowel movements, or are unable or unwilling to use a toilet." Like that mental astronaut.


• Films / Movies

Films, or pictures, or flicks if you're really old, are the moving pictures you see at the cinema, viz.:
"Mum, I want to see the pictures."
"There's pictures on the wall."
"But I want to see moving pictures."
"Well move them."

Merkan movies are generally about a gazillion times better than British pictures - except in terms of historical accuracy: see Titanic, U-571 and Apollo 13.


• Kerb / Curb

I think define.com says it all:

kerb

noun: an edge between a sidewalk and a roadway consisting of a line of curbstones.

In other words, I have no fricking idea why we spell it funny in the UK. We even pronounce it exactly the same as Merkans do.

I'm getting tyred of this now.


• St. Patrick's Day / St. Patty's Day

On St. Patty's Day, Merkans like to celebrate by eating corned beef and cabbage. And parading around Noo Yawk.

Mr Farty's friend N, from Oirland, hates the expression "St. Patty's Day" and isn't that keen on corned beef. Her views on cabbage are, at this time, a mystery.

You're welcome.

¹ Not to be confused with what Victoria Beckham gave David as a birthday present.

Merkan-English Dictionary - BOSSY Special

To commemorate that madwoman's BOSSY's Excellent Road Trip, herewith and heretofore please allow Mr Farty to present a little something to help travellers in their time of need.

Saturn

Now the astronomers amongst you might be forgiven for believing that Saturn is a planet, but that's just a matter of opinion.
The Merkan view has it that the Saturn looks more like this:

Well, "planet" does mean "wanderer", and BOSSY's itinerararary certainly involves a lot of wandering.

Diaper

If I was planning to spend 25 hours a day driving, I'd be wearing one of these too. After all, you never know how far it's going to be to the next rest stop.

In case you were wondering, 16-28 lbs doesn't mean capacity.

Edamame

Edamame are green soy beans harvested at 80 percent maturity, high in protein and fibre and low in calories. Apparently you don't eat the husks, just the beans. Who knew?
Not to be confused with Edam, which is high in yummy and low in lead. I know which I'd prefer to snack on to keep me going.

John Cusack

John Cusack is fiercely protective of his private life, but that won't stop Mrs Cusack from tracking him down eventually. Map? Check. Chloroform? Check. Escape route? Check. List of bloggy friends with basements ready and alibis prepared? Check.

Jail

Or gaol in Early Modern English, this is a place best avoided. See above.

Thongs

Slightly less comfortable than flats when driving, but at least you don't have to worry about toe cleavage.

Driving on the left

All sensible countries, including Great Britain, Guyana, South Africa, India, Japan, Australia and New Zealand to name but a few (there are 74 in total), drive on the left. The other handful choose to drive on the right, i.e. wrong side of the road.
According to the British Ministry of Transport, “In the interests of safety, you are advised to practise [driving on the left] in your country of origin for a week or two before driving in the UK.”

I can't wait. BOSSY's route does include Scottsdale Scotchland in the UK, after all.

Drive safely, BOSSY!

Merkan-English Dictionary #12

Cor blimey, guv/Golly gee! Is he still writing that tosh/crap? Yes indeed/Yo, dude!

Vets

In the UK, a vet is someone who looks after sick animals. If the poor beast is beyond help, he/she puts the creature to sleep, then charges an extortionate fee.

e.g. A man takes his dead dog to the vet. The vet tells him his dog is dead. The man asks if the vet is sure? So the vet fetches a tom cat, which walks around the dead mutt, peering closely at it, then strolls off with its tail in the air. The vet repeats that the dog is dead. Still not convinced, the man requests further confirmation, so the vet calls on his labrador. The labrador sniffs at the dead dog, barks once and leaves. The vet says that this proves the dog is dead, and the man finally accepts this.
Two weeks later, the man phones the vet to query the £255 bill, so the vet explains: "Five pounds for telling you your dog's dead; fifty for the cat scan and two hundred for the lab test."

In Merka, vets hardly ever treat sick animals. This is thought to be because Merkan vets are more used to working with heavy artillery than scalpels, syringes and that, what with being former soldiers.

Interestingly, Zimbabwean vets have no idea how to look after animals and have no experience of warfare either. Which hasn't stopped President Robert Mugabe from taking arable farmland away from white farmers and handing it over to black vets, leading to crop failure, desertification and famine. Anyone who knows what a Zimbabwean vet actually does should contact the Zimbabwean government urgently.

Magnum

A Magnum is something cold that you put in your mouth, where it gives you a good feeling. Unless you're a Merkan, in which case this is not recommended. Seriously.

Chips

Served on their own, British chips are delicious. But when a nice portion of battered cod is added to make a "fish supper", this makes a tasty and nutritious "meal".

Merkans - well, some Merkans - also think chips are tasty, but seem to prefer USiNg MIxEd CAsE WHeN WrItiNG ThE wORd dOWn.

There's also something called "French fries", or possibly "Freedom fries", but since the French insist on calling potatoes "Apples of the ground", I think we can safely discount that one.

Merkan-English Dictionary: Oil Crisis Special

If a British person says his/her car runs on gas, they usually mean it's powered by hydrogen. If a Merkan says the same thing, they're usually wrong. Here's why.

Crude Oil: A black, smelly, sticky liquid that comes shooting out of the ground at 100mph. And swears a lot.

Oil Strike: When the people whose job it is to refine the oil decide to down tools and join a picket line.

Diesel:

1. One of the top bloggers in the blogosphere.


2. A train, but not as exciting as a proper steam train.



3. A petroleum-based fuel which is burned in engines ignited by compression rather than spark.

Petrol: A mixture of hydrocarbons which is used as a fuel.

Gas:

1. One of the five "states of matter" (after Bose-Einstein condensate, solid and liquid, and followed by plasma), that subsequently appear as a cold substance is subjected to increasingly higher temperatures.


2. The direct cause of flatulence.

Gasoline: A volatile flammable mixture of hydrocarbons (hexane, heptane, octane etc.) derived from petroleum. Merkan for petrol.

Merkan-English Dictionary - Addendum

Alright, enough already. Due to overwhelming demand, for your delectation and delight may I introduce the very Best of British felinity, with a slight Merkan flavour.

UK: Pussy

Cat Deeley off So You Think You Can Dance?

Merkan-English Dictionary - Inauguration Special

Youse Merkans never cease to amaze me with your funny words. And the way you fit them to our frikkin' tunes.

For e.g, we have the British National Anthem, God Save the Queen:


God save our gracious Queen,
Long live our noble Queen,
God save the Queen:
Send her victorious,
Happy and glorious,
Long to reign over us:
God save the Queen.

There's a verse in there about crushing the Scots, but I'll let that one pass for now.

Oh, but what have we here?

My Country, 'Tis of Thee


'Tis isn't even a proper word and in any case nobody uses it anymore. I call shenanigans.

Then there's the matter of getting the words mixed up. Vide the Wedding of Chuck and Di (skip to 6mins18):


So technically Diana married Prince Philip, the Duke of Embra. Conspiracy theory, anyone?

Here we have the copycat attempt to muck up an oath by that Hawiian bloke:


At least they made him do it over. Most Presidents have to wait four years to say the oath a second time, but Barack had two shots in the same week.

As for that catch-phrase, Can We Fix It? Stolen from Bob The Builder:


And now we're being followed, sixteen years late, by a reference on live TV to unsavoury practices involving a senior member of the government.

Dammit, I wish they hadn't pulled that YouTube clip, but the essence of it, as I recall, was that at the British Comedy Awards in 1993, camp comic Julian Clary minced onstage and declared that he'd just been fisting Norman Lamont, the Chancellor of the Exchequer. As you do. Luckily, only a few million people were watching at the time and it slipped by almost unnoticed. *cough*

Updated: Guess what I just found?


Anyway, the good bit in the Merkan copycat clip is at 1m58:

(Thanks to Jenny the Blogress for bringing this to my attention.)

You'd really think Barack and Michelle could come up with something original instead of pinching it off the British, sigh.

Merkan-English Dictionary #5

As if from thin air, a whole new slew of words and phrases have suggested themselves to me. Anyone who says this is in any way related to the recent cross-border visit to Merka is a liar.

• First floor, Mezzanine, Ground floor, Cellar, Basement

This gave me no end of grief a a young 'un when I used to read Merkan SF novels (I still do, but with less confusion nowadays). "Hang on, he jumped out of the first floor window and didn't break his neck? Is he wearing a gravity belt or is he a superhero?"
Look. The Ground Floor is on the ground. The First Floor is the first one above the Ground Floor. Mezzanine isn't even a proper word, but if it was, it would be where midgits lived, in the space between the Ground Floor and the First Floor.
You might think, as I do, that cellar and basement were synonymous terms for the underground floor of a house. Maybe it's just in the Canada that the cellar can sometimes be on the ground floor, below the normal living quarters. Now my brain is starting to hurt.


• Scarf, Muffler, Exhaust

A Scarf is something that a lady (or gentleman) wears around her/his neck. A lady sometimes calls this a Muffler. Not to be confused with a muff, although both are good for keeping one's ears warm. An Exhaust is the part of a car that the engine's exhaust fumes are expelled from.


• Clamp, Boot, Trunk, Bonnet, Hood

A Clamp is the thing that the Pedestrian's Friend attaches to a car to let the fuckwit know that it is in breach of local bylaws to double-park, with or without hazard warning lights, in front of Harvey Nicks whilst picking up a couple of bottles of Bolly. A Car Boot, by contrast, is the bit in the back (unless you drive a VW Beetle, in which case it's the front) where the jack, spare wheel etc. are kept. Car Boots can easily be obtained at specialist Car Boot Sales. A Bonnet is a pretty hat worn by ladies and young girls at Easter time. A Hood is what will get you thrown out of Asda/Walmart.


• Pissed vs Pissed Off

Pissed, or Fished as a Part, refers to the condition of having had one too many Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters. Pissed Off is what your friends are after you execute a Technicolor Yawn over their shoes.


• Corn, Maize, Mealies

A Corn is a sore bit on your toe caused by thickened skin. Apparently Merkans eat Flaked Corns. Maize (Mealies in South Africa) is that foodstuff that comes in tins and passes, undigested, straight through your intestinal tract.

Merkan-English Dictionary #4

• Pavement/Sidewalk
  A road is a road is a road. Despite what the Romans thought, not all of them lead to Rome.
  The bit down each side, that pedestrians walk on, is the pavement. From side+walk.
• Trousers/Pants
  A man wears trousers; a dog pants.
  What Englishmen wear under their trousers are called pants or underpants.
  Ask a Scotchman if anything's worn under the kilt and he'll tell you no, it's all in perfect working order.
• Friendly Fire
  This oxymoron, with the emphasis on moron, appears to be uniquely Merkan. There is no equivalent in the civilised¹ world.
• Faggots
  In the UK, we throw faggots on the fire.
  In some US states, they may well do the same. That doesn't make it right.
• Queen
  This can refer to either the Reigning Monarch or the Popular Beat Combo.
  It does not, as far as I know, mean a homosexualist.
• Gay
  I'll concede this one. See, I'm flexible!
• Laser
  Light
  Amplification by the
  Stimulated (not Zdimulated)
  Emission of
  Radiation.
  I don't care that Google has 215,000 hits for 'lazer beam', you're still wrong.

¹That's civilised with an 'S', not a 'Z'².
²And 'Z' is pronounced 'Zed', not 'Zee'.

Update

Since you've been good, here's an excerpt (from memory) from I'm Sorry, I'll Read That Again (ISIRTA) sometime in the 1970's:

"I went to a mixed school. Girls, boys, rabbits, horses, lions..."
"Eton?"
"Damned nearly!"

"When I was at school, I was a fag."
"I was a fag-end."
"I was a dog-end."
"I was a dog."
"I was a hot dog."
"Eaten?"
"Damned nearly!"

Merkan-English Dictionary #2

Many years ago, when I was even younger than I am now, I heard that Dustin Hoffman

wore elevators. This, I thought, was a trifle odd, since surely elevators are those hulking great monstrosities that have helped to make the Merkan Midwest the breadbasket of the US of A.

Or sterile monoculture, depending on your point of view.

But then I remembered that Merkans refer to our own humble lifts

as elevators, and that Dustin's odd clothing items were also known as lifts, and all became clear. Er, not. Still couldn't quite picture which part of your body you might adorn with a box that goes up and down. Mind you, people do wear the oddest things on the oddest parts of their anatomy.

Finally, a kindly soul explained that they're what short, self-important people wear inside their shoes to make them appear taller than they really are.

The twats.

Merkan-English Dictionary #10

Does it never end? [No - Ed.]

Ok, let's have a wee think...

• Check

What you should do when you want to find out if you can really afford those Jimmy Choo shoes.


• Cheque

What you write in order to "pay" for said shoes. Women can always afford shoes.
Note that when your bank manager asks you to clear your humungous overdraft, under no circumstances should you attempt to offer him a cheque. This will just make him even more cross.


• Rest room

In Britain, where one goes to take a rest. Usually with big, comfy chairs and sometimes even a telly.
In Merka, where one goes for a poo.


• Chaps

In Britain, chaps are blokes. Guys. Men.
In Merka, chaps appear to be what cowboys wear to keep their legs warm.
For some reason, the expression "chaps in chaps" brings to mind a different image altogether. Not that there's anything wrong with that.



• Temperature

When a Brit says it's 32° they mean it's fecking hot.
When a Merkan says it's 32° they mean it's freezing.
The only time we seem to be in complete agreement is when it's minus forty. Even a Glaswegian will admit that's cold.

Toot toot!

Merkan-English Dictionary #15

Probly. I've run out of fingers to count on.

Let's try some linky stuff.

Aubergine

Or eggplant if you're weird Merkan.
Picture stolen from courtesy of BOSSY.

Egg


Plant

Merkans call this a backhoe. (For why?) Brits call this particular plant a Jacob.

Oh, you wanted a living plant?
Living plants

Not to be confused with the other kind of Triffid.

Triffid

This kind of Triffid is found in space.

Space explorer

This is a space explorer. He really went up into space.

Scotty

This is a Scotch Canadian space explorer actor. He very nearly made it into space. But the engines couldnae take it.

Falcon 1

This was the Falcon spaceship he was on. Not to be confused with the other kind of Falcon.

Millennium Falcon


Falcon

Or indeed this type of falcon.

Clear as mud?