Farty's Fortunes

Friday, 13 July 2007

Merkan-English Dictionary - Football Special

David Beckham began life as a Los Angeles Galaxy player today.

So naturally the first question people are going to ask is, "Who the feck are LA Galaxy?"

Apparently they are a Merkan football team - not to be confused with a Merkan Football team.

Football, for the uninitiated, is a game played all over the world. It mostly involves kicking a ball with the foot - hence the name - although much entertainment can be derived from either kicking the players on the opposing team or better still, pretending to have been kicked by them and rolling around on the pitch. The spherical ball can only be touched with the hands by the goalkeeper (net-minder) or anyone called Maradona.

In the UK, the national team is Engerland. Scotch supporters will support any international team that is playing against Engerland, with the sole exception of France, when we hope both teams will lose. Merkans call football "soccer". Feck knows why.

There is a peculiar thing called the Offside Rule, but it's probly too complicated for Merkans to understand.

Rugby, by comparison, is a contact sport, played with oval balls by real men and real women. Not usually at the same time - that's a different contact sport altogether. I once went out with a Merkan lady rugby player - she knew her balls alright.

Merkan Football isn't football at all. It's played with a rugby ball, but the players dress up for the part in padded suits and motorbike helmets in case they get a nasty bump. Wusses. Merkan Football is played all over the world in the USA.

David Beckham is famous for being married to a twig.

David Beckham and Dirty Spice yesterday


The Good Woman said...

I've often wondered at Beckhams career. First he played for a really important team, then for a really important Spanish team and now, well heck - just a Merkan team. You'd think he might want to consider retirement before he ends up coaching little league. Or just propping himself up with a twig...

Mr H said...

The offside rule is simple to understand.

If your team has the ball in the opposition half, then they are NEVER offside, and the referee is a dark hued gennelman of uncertain parentage, should he disagree with you.

However, should the opposition have the ball in your half, then they are ALWAYS offside, , and the referee is a dark hued gennelman of uncertain parentage, should he disagree with you.

Simple really.

Ali Bali Bee said...

LA Galaxy? We all thought he was going to play for that great Scottish outfit, Cowdenbeath (aka the Blue Brazils), where he could eat all the Mars Bars he wanted. But I guess Posh wanted a better class of chocolate bar. All those Galaxys will just go straight to her hips though - then she'll want him to finally finish his career playing for Kansas Wheatgrass, San Fransisco Smoothies, Newark NoFood, San Diego Dieters or some other suitably named Merkan sicker - sorry soccer - outfit!

Mr Farty said...

My Good Woman - I see someone has finally scrolled down from the competition post, hurrah!

Mr H - That clears it up then.

Didn't you used to be in S Club Seven? Or was it Steps?

Ali - Good point, but as everyone knows, the reason for the move to LA was because - all together now - it was the only place Becks could spell! Boom boom!

Mr H said...

"Didn't you used to be in S Club Seven? Or was it Steps?"

I am often to be seen lurking near groups of girls, but [smutty remark deleted]and that's when Hannah from S Club 7 said she would never be able to eat a gherkin ever again.

Mr Farty said...

Hannah Ssppearritt? I saw her in some tv drama not long ago. Of course she only got her kit off when it was absolutely necessary for the ratings.