Farty's Fortunes

Friday, 9 January 2009

Build Your Own Stab-o-mizer TM

Have you ever had the misfortune to phone one of those call centres in India and waste several minutes of your life talking to some inarticulate moron on the other end of the line?

Have you ever had the misfortune to work in one of those call centres in India and waste several minutes of your life talking to some inarticulate moron on the other end of the line?

Have you ever felt like stabbing someone, if only you were face to face with the idiotic fucktard instead of several thousand miles away?

Well, now you can stab someone in the face over the internet, thanks to the patented Stab-o-mizer TM!

Previously only available to the security services, the Stab-o-mizer TM has now been optimized for home use. Cheap, 100% reliable and easily assembled from off-the-shelf components, this handy little device can be operated with no technical knowledge whatsoever!

All you need is the IP or email address of your intended victim, a steady hand and a cast-iron alibi. On second thoughts, scratch the alibi, you won't need it since you'll be thousands of miles away!

You will need:

  • USB cable

  • Joystick or PS2 control pad

  • Webcam

  • Servo motor from a Segway

  • Hypodermic needle

  • Live rabies virus (optional)

  • Large roll of gaffer tape

  • Soldering iron


Then follow the simple step-by-step instructions in this video tutorial.

Stab-o-mizer

Good luck!

Disclaimer: This tutorial is provided for information purposes only. No claim is made as to the accuracy or authenticity of the content of the tutorial. The author does not accept any liability to any person for the information or advice (or the use of such information or advice) which is provided in this tutorial or incorporated into it by reference. The information in the Stab-o-mizer tutorial is provided on the basis that all persons accessing the tutorial undertake responsibility for assessing the relevance and accuracy of its content.

No kittens were harmed in the making of this tutorial.

20 comments:

I've Been Mugged said...

Damn. I thought that was real for a minute. Had my credit card out and everything. I then realised - it was Rick.

Not much of a surprise there then. Oh my poor ears.

#Debi said...

That's not nice...


;)

Mr Farty said...

IBM - Rick rocks! Yeah.

#Debi - Which part, the Stab-o-mizer or the groovy video?

#Debi said...

The Stab-o-mizer sounds like a good idea...

john.g. said...

You're nuts, but i agree!!

Anna Russell said...

... can't...comment...laughing...too...hard

Hugs
Anna xxx

Cat said...

I'm so happy to have resolved my differences with BTinternet. It was getting to the point where I was almost stabbing myself with frustration.

Mr Farty said...

#Debi - The Stab-o-mizer isn't a good idea, it's a great idea! Fact.

John - What about my nuts?

Anna - I thank you.

Cat - SO many times I've been tempted to reach for the STAB button...especially with spammers.

I've Been Mugged said...

Suffer from intestinal gas?

A slave to your flatus?

Embarrassed by the result of unfortunate aerophagia?

Worry no more. With our simple to use revolutionary NEW product - Shake'ndGasAway. Do the Shake'ndGasAway everyday for only ONE week and if not completely satisfied, we will refund your money in full.

Simply apply Shake'anGasAway to problem areas for an instant flatus-free-zone.

Shake'anGasAway is brought to you by Spamalotte Ltd, a subsidiary of Spammers World Wide.

#Debi said...

I got a package in the mail from Scotchland today...


Thanks so much!

blissfully caffeinated said...

My God I need a Stab-O-Mizer. Also, I need to remember to use the word "fucktard" more often. I love it so.

lady macleod said...

That's not nice, and not funny - excuse me while I get a tissue to wipe the tears running down my face from laughing and get up off the floor.

Bloody brilliant!

Lesley said...

The thing is? I kinda like it every time I get Rick Rolled. Because, um, I actually like that song. And sometimes even listen to it on purpose. I'm an idiot. FAIL.

(It's too bad it wasn't real though, because I already carry around all those things in my purse. And need a Stab-o-mizer. BADLY.)

Mr Farty said...

IBM - Have you assembled your Stab-o-mizer yet? Could you switch it on, I'd like to test it...

#Debi - You're very welcome.

BC - You don't want to overuse that word or it loses its impact.

Lady M - *bows* Sometimes I astonish myself.

Lesley - I had that tune on repeat while I was writing this post. True.

Sewmouse said...

Dear Mr. Farty:

This morning our postal individual brought me a lovely large packet from Scotchland. My co-workers demanded I open it and show them the contents.

I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!
It has been situated in a place of honor by my desk. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

*hugs*
Sewmouse

Mr Farty said...

Sew - That's not an acceptance speech - this is an acceptance speech!

http://drolgerg.wordpress.com said...

That was cruel. I could do with a stabby thingy. Probably too lazy to actually make it but it's a nice thought. Playing that song over the phone would probably work though!

Mr Farty said...

Drolgerg - Kia Ora - see, I do know some Kiwi! Thanks for commenting.

Everybody else - Follow DrolGerg on Twitter!

mayopie said...

Damn you, Farty! You may have won the battle, but this war is far from over.

Mr Farty said...

Clay - And another one bites the dust!