Farty's Fortunes

Monday, 17 March 2008

Merkan-English Dictionary #9

Yet another effort to reduce the confusion that afflicts Pond-crossers. I'll learn youse guys proper English if it kills me.


  • Candyfloss / Cotton Candy

  • Candyfloss is a sweet, sticky confection that goes all over your face and makes a mess when you eat it. Whereas cotton candy is what your kids have at the fair. FSM, you have got such a filthy mind!

  • Full Stop / Period

  • A full stop is that bit what prevents your sentences from flowing on forever. A period, on the other hand, involves quite a lot of flowing. Unless you have some torpedoes or logs to hand.

  • Nappy / Diaper

  • The word "nappy" is of course derived from "napkin", which is a piece of absorbent cloth what you wear around your neck when you're eating posh nosh1. I wouldn't recommend wearing a nappy as a bib, at least not a used one, unless you want to lose weight in a hurry.

    A diaper is described in Wikipedia as "an absorbent garment worn by individuals who are incapable of controlling their bladder or bowel movements, or are unable or unwilling to use a toilet." Like that mental astronaut.

  • Films / Movies

  • Films, or pictures, or flicks if you're really old, are the moving pictures you see at the cinema, viz.:
    "Mum, I want to see the pictures."
    "There's pictures on the wall."
    "But I want to see moving pictures."
    "Well move them."

    Merkan movies are generally about a gazillion times better than British pictures - except in terms of historical accuracy: see Titanic, U-571 and Apollo 13.

  • Kerb / Curb

  • I think define.com says it all:

    kerb

    noun: an edge between a sidewalk and a roadway consisting of a line of curbstones.

    In other words, I have no fricking idea why we spell it funny in the UK. We even pronounce it exactly the same as Merkans do.

    I'm getting tyred of this now.

  • St. Patrick's Day / St. Patty's Day

  • On St. Patty's Day, Merkans like to celebrate by eating corned beef and cabbage. And parading around Noo Yawk.

    Mr Farty's friend N, from Oirland, hates the expression "St. Patty's Day" and isn't that keen on corned beef. Her views on cabbage are, at this time, a mystery.

You're welcome.

1 Not to be confused with what Victoria Beckham gave David as a birthday present.

5 comments:

Jacki said...

Having lived in Scotland as a teenager, I picked up a lot of the British words and have often wondered why there is the difference between "British" English and "American" English. I hate to admit it, but we Americans do not speak very properly and have the worst language skills.

You did forget "loo" and "water closet" for bathroom and "lift" for elevator.

Marie said...

Unless reading Maeve Binchy novels makes me Irish, I don't feel qualified to celebrate St. Patrick's Day. You guys do have the best swear words though, I love to say shite.

Mr Farty said...

Jacki - This is an ongoing project, so I'll be sure to include lavvies in the next installment. As for "lift", see March 14, 2007.

Marie - I think the best Irish swearwords are Feck and Gobshite.

Best Irish saying: "Do you have a bit of Irish in you?"...."Would you like some?"

john.g. said...

At least the Oirish jokes are the best!

Mr Farty said...

John - The top o' the milk to ya!
Why did the Oirishman wear two condoms? To be sure, to be sure.
etc.