Farty's Fortunes

Tuesday, 25 January 2011

Don't Give Up

When you look up at the top of a stunning waterfall and catch yourself thinking, "That would be a good place to jump from".

When you're slicing bread and you realise how easy it would be to open your wrists.

When you take a walk along the waterfront on a stormy day, with the salty wind whipping your hair while the surf hurls itself against the seawall, and you idly wonder if they'd ever find your body.

When you're terrified to be left alone in the house in case of what you might do to yourself.

Don't be too afraid to ask for help.

Sunday, 23 January 2011

If Anybody's Going To Show Underage Girls With Their Tits Out, It Should Be Us, Rants Murdoch Empire

Rabid Murdoch mouthpiece Fox News was in paroxysms of rage after it transpired that MTV had set itself up in direct competition with Sky Filth by broadcasting a mediocre US remake of the British award-winning E4 series Skins.

The show, which airs after the 9pm watershed, aims to explore the trials and tribulations of a typical group of hot, young, randy teenagers in modern-day USA, featuring such diverse topics as sex, drugs, sex, pop music, sex, drugs and sex (sub - please check, I've never seen it).

Some interfering parents' group which doesn't know what an "off" switch is for has branded Skins as "the most dangerous show for children on television - unless you count that dodgy Icelandic show where the adult male lead gets way too up-close-and-personal with the cute kid. You know the one I mean."

The Dirty Digger's other major organ, The Sun, a national daily "newspaper" which prides itself on its long-running tradition of printing topless pictures of teenage girls, was unavailable for comment, as all of its "investigative journalists" were busy snorting coke off hookers' tits.

Friday, 21 January 2011

What Were They Thinking?

There's a story in today's ParentDish about a head teacher who told his primary school kids that World War III had started, led them to a cellar and simulated a bomb explosion, then acted all surprised when they suffered nightmares about it.

Nobody in their right mind should subject young, impressionable children to that kind of mental torture. It's worse than exposing them to the X-Factor. Arguably. Depends how many weeks he kept them in their improvised bomb shelter. And how many of their classmates they had to eat before he 'fessed up.

I'm shocked, outraged and shocked.


When we lived near the prison back in the '60s, we'd often play out in the street (this was before X-Boxes and Wiis and shit) with our pals, one of whom was four-year-old David. If one of Her Majesty's guests took an unscheduled leave of absence, they'd set off an alarm that sounded remarkably like an air raid siren. We took great delight in telling David that the Germans were coming and we'd have to run for cover. He's probably still in therapy now.


But we were only kids ourselves. A head teacher really should know better.

On the other hand, it's good practice for the Zombie Apocalypse.

Thursday, 20 January 2011

Banned from the Co-op – Didn’t like shopping there anyway!

Yesterday I was at my local Co-op buying a large bag Pedigree Chum dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Pedigree Chum Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Chum nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from the Co-op!

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends - it will be
their laugh for the day...

(Thanks to Jennifer for this tale)

Thursday, 6 January 2011

Opposable Thumbs

So I was reading about polydactyl kittens and I got to thinking about what it must have been like when the first ever human baby was born with opposable thumbs. All the other mothers must have been like, "Ew! That's disgusting! You should get those funny-looking fingers removed right away, they make your kid look like some kind of mutant!" And the baby's mum would be all, "I know, right? But I don't know any really good surgeons, first of all because we're in the stone age or whatever and surgery hasn't been invented yet, but more importantly none of them seem to able to wield a scalpel properly and I'm not letting any unqualified half-assed dinosaur butcher anywhere near my kid's hands - OMG! My son could be a doctor! I'm going to enroll him in medical school just as soon as I can figure out how to hold a pen to fill in the form. I'm so proud of little Johnny Two-Thumbs. He won't need to write with his mouth or his toes or whatever we're using right now, he can wrap his thumb right around the pen and hold it in his hand. Get me Fox News, we're gonna be rich!"

I'm pretty sure that's almost exactly how it went. Assuming pens had been invented.