Farty's Fortunes

Friday, 28 September 2007

Random News

The Jeremy Kyle Show has been lambasted by a judge for its gratuitous violence, which was described as "a human form of bear-baiting".

Next on Celebrity Bear-Baiting: Vanessa Feltz, a bag of doughnuts and a cattle prod. I think Channel 4 could be onto a winner here.

In science news, quantum computing has come a step closer with boffins successfully transmitting a microwave photon along a wire. Now if they can scale that up a billionfold, nobody's bank account will be secure. Don't Panic!

Quantum physics is just plain weird. Erwin Schrödinger once proposed a famous thought experiment involving a cat1, a box, a piece of radioactive material and a geiger counter connected to a hammer. Oh, and a bottle of poison gas. In a given period of time, there is a 50% chance that an atom will fission, leading to the cat's death. In quantum terms, until you open the box, the cat is both dead and alive. Oh, and there's a 100% chance that you'll get lacerated trying to put the cat into the box in the first place.

1 It's a little-known fact that Schrödinger had two cats. One was called Lucky; the other wasn't.

Thursday, 27 September 2007

Getting Senile Dimensions

Princess Beatrice off the Royal Family has landed a part in a movie about, er, a royal family.


Footballing leg end Wayne Rooney turned down the chance to appear in Nickelback's latest video because he thought it wasn't cool enough.

Two million hits on Youtube and climbing.
I had a brilliant idea to link these two stories, but it's gone. Ho-hum.

Tuesday, 25 September 2007

Where's Sweeney? *

The British Government, in its infinite wisdom (I'm being ironic here), has ruled that henceforth, unmarked police cars are to carry No Smoking signs.

This should not hamper the police in the execution of their duties, according to a spokesman.

Hmmmm. Rearrange these words to form a well-known phrase or saying: Fucking mental are you?

Update: Mr Farty has been suffering from Premature Publication, which may well be the subject of a future post...

Talking like Yoda have I been. Anyway, my point is that we are increasingly being run by a
stupidocracy. How the feck did these people ever get to be in charge of what we can and can't do? It's not like we all live in Burma. Or are these the least worst of a bad bunch? How I wish there was a section on polling forms for "None of the above" - he'd get my vote.

The new ruling also means that anyone caught smoking inside an unmarked police car - stay with me, folks - should be

"Yes, I know I already arrested you for VAT fraud, but now I'm arresting you again, for attempted murder. People have to inhale your carcinogenic second-hand smoke, you know! Oh, and attempted suicide. That's illegal too."

One day, nobody will do anything stupid and I'll have nothing to blog about.

But not this day.

* Sweeney Todd = Flying Squad = Undercover Police

Monday, 24 September 2007


I hate dictionaries. Do you know how many pages I had to read to find a word that meant "A new word, expression, or usage"?

None, of course, I just remembered it. But if I hadn't known it to begin with, it would have taken ages. Dictionaries are only any good if you already know what the word is and how to spell it. Does that make a dictionary tautologically redundant?


Anyway, I love it when I first hear a new word or phrase and instantly I know exactly what it means. Like the "Oil Widow Mums" in Aberdeen, or "Fat CokeTM" as against "Diet CokeTM". And I got "Ice Mummy" right away.

I admit I was rather taken aback when I first heard the phrase Bouncy Castle. "And you say you can put one of these things in your back garden?"

Of course, Alan Partridge took it to the logical extreme with "Monkey Tennis!"

Who, I wonder, was the first person to try a Coffee Enema? Did it go like this?

But whoever heard of "Corporate Ethics?" Now you're having a laugh.

Sunday, 23 September 2007

A Black Day For Scotchland

I wonder just how many papers rags will have that headline on Monday morning?

I suppose it could have been worse; to paraphrase Igor in Young Frankenstein, "it could have been raining."

The way I see it, the All Blacks just got lucky - lucky that they were playing Scotland instead of a proper team like South Africa.

Hell, we did better than England: they only lost 36-0!

Scotland 0 - 40 New Zealand

Saturday, 22 September 2007


There is a Dilbert cartoon strip: A cube-dweller returns to ask, "Anyone seen my cell phone?" Alice replies, "Was it small, metallic and flushable?

You know that choon Für Elise? Yeah, that one. I used to love it. I loved it so much that I went around whistling it - badly - at work. Over and over, day after day.

Until eventually my boss called me over and said, "Farty, will you please stop whistling that fecking choon!"

"But I love it!" I replied in all innocence.

"So did I, until you ruined it for me. Now I can never hear it again without your horrible rendition going through my brain."

This was a bit like me and Help Me Make It Through The Night. Once I'd heard the Billy Connelly version, there was no way I could hear anyone sing it without cracking up. Apparently this is very bad form at a wake.

Anyway, I did as I was told and stopped whistling it.

The Present Day.

One of our neighbours has a new ringtone on his/her phone. Guess what it is? Guess how fecking annoying it is? I can't even tell which neighbour it is, the sound seems to come from a different direction every time I hear it through the window.

Guess that's what's called karma.

btw, my own ringtone is very restrained and not at all annoying. To me.

Thursday, 20 September 2007

No Comment

What's your comments policy?

BOSSY gets hundreds of comments a day, but never hardly ever appears to reply to any comments directly. Feck, there's always a first time, just when you're trying to make a point. Anyway, she does visit, so that's ok.

BOSSY has a teeny tiny crush (NO! Not in that way! Surely?) for Dooce. Dooce doesn't do comments at all, apparently. Boo!

Andre used to welcome comments, but got spammed to hell (not by me) and had to turn them off. Boo! Not for Andre, but for spammers. Andre has been known to post comments, just not here. Yet.

Michele is a fecking genius. She has made a career out of her comments box. Her posts generally run to just one or two sentences, but the comments go on, and on, and on...she's a very popular girl, considering she always keeps her clothes on. I'll bet she sends someone here within the next few minutes...

I generally reply to all comments and visit the blogs of my commenters; it's only good manners. I've only ever deleted one spam comment. So far.

How about you?

Wednesday, 19 September 2007

International Talk Like A Pirate Day

Feck. I been drinkin' grog all day. Hic! Wazzup? Will someone shut that feckin' parrot UP?

Right. Now. Where was I? Where be I? Shouldn't blog after grog. Remember not to post this, Farts.

Right. First up - a Martian Meteorite has crashed in Peru. Well, they say it's a meteorite. So far, it's released some noxious fumes into the environment and made the locals feel pretty sick. If you ask me, it's either the Martian counterpart of yours truly, or the first wave of the invasion fleet. I'm just saying.

Martian Fighting Machine

Next. Britney's been dropped by her record label, her lawyer and her manager.
Sorry, Britney who?

Oh, another space one. Hurrah! Britain should set up its own Moonbase, according to space boffins. Now, I saw the following quote in the Sun, but for some reason can't find it anywhere on t'internet. I wonder why? Good thing I wrote it down, innit, me fartys? Arrr.
"The Moon could be the greatest archaeological site in the solar system," said Professor Monica Grady.
Um. Archaeology is the study of human cultures, shurely, matey? Finding anything of archaeological significance on the Moon, apart from six (6) Apollo landers and various pieces of assorted tat, including a WWII bomber, certainly would be a great achievement. I won't be holdin' me breath, though.

Czech biker Matej Kus had an accident where his head got run over and woke up speaking perfect English. Well, of course he would, everyone knows English is wired into the human brain. He just gorgot how to speak Czech. Gorgot?

Boffins working on the shed Cloak of Invisibility have almost managed it. All that can be seen is a thin line of light where the object ought to be.


Cool! I can't see him at all.

Did I be mentioning it be International Talk Like A Pirate Day? Arrrr, ye scurvy sea-dogs! I'll lash ye to the mizzen-mast and keel-haul yer miserable bones!


Denise Crosby

New England Rugby Jersey

Tuesday, 18 September 2007

Sincere Apologies To All

Over the past few months I have posted funny pictures and jokes for the benefit of imaginary friends who I thought shared the same sense of humour. Unfortunately this wasn’t the case and I seem to have upset quite a few people who have accused me of being sexist and shallow. If you were one of these people, please accept my humblest apologies.

From now on I will only post entries with a cultural or educational content such as old monuments, nature and other interesting structures.

Below is a picture of the Pont Neuf Bridge in Paris.

P.S. For those of you who are interested, Pont Neuf is the oldest bridge in Paris and took 26 years to build. Construction began in 1578 and ended in 1604. "Le Pont Neuf" is actually made of 2 independent bridges, one with seven arches and the other with five arches.
Pont Neuf BridgePont Neuf Bridge

Friday, 14 September 2007


They had been trained. Coached. Some would even say brainwashed into believing that they could, nay would succeed in their attack. They had recorded their videos - just their names and a few words from each about their role in the imminent massacre. Something to justify their actions and encourage those who would undoubtedly follow in their footsteps.

The poor, misguided fools.

Of course, in the event they were stopped in their tracks. Rather than destroying their foes, they were the ones who were beaten to a pulp by the very people they had set out to annihilate. It was embarrassing to watch. I almost felt sorry for them.

Almost, but not quite.


England 0 - 36 South Africa

Tuesday, 11 September 2007

White Christmas

Reading Misssy's post about Xmas made me go all misty-eyed. Not for the shite Xmasses we get in Scotchland, where you have to light the fire two hours before you get up in order to avoid getting hypothermia whilst preparing Xmas lunch; where you have to shine a torch on the clock face to tell when it's time to turn on the telly for the Queen's Speech, cos it's so frigging dark at three o'clock in the fecking afternoon; where the best present you can hope for is a lump of coal.

No, I'm talking about South Africa, home of Eldest Daughter, Son-In-Law and Youngest Grandson. Ah, black Santas in full costume in the baking hot malls, sweating their arses off because the aircond's on the blink again. Beaches thronging with bathers who need to take a dip in the sea to cool off in the forty-degree heat. Going for a day-trip to see the animals, and I don't mean the in-laws fighting over the turkey. Just being able to go outside without your sporran icing up.

I'd love to go back there. All donations gratefully accepted.

It could be worse, we could be living in the Scottish Highlands.

Sunday, 9 September 2007

The Female Of The Species

A female acquaintance recently revealed that although she doesn't know much about Star Trek, when her colleagues told her that she looks like a Romulan, she didn't take it as a compliment. I am, of course, the soul of tact and discretion, so I couldn't possibly name names (but take a look at my bogroll and see if you can pick her out).

Any road up, I thought I'd better put her - and you, gentle reader - straight on what alien females (in particular, those from Star Trek) look like. Then you can draw your own conclusions about whether you are being complimented or insulted when comparisons are made.

Sela. Daughter of Tasha.
Urgh! That high neckline doesn't suit her at all.

Technically, Romulans and Vulcans are the same species.
Note to me: get a life.

Jadzia Dax
Looks nice enough on the outside, but carries a symbiont in her tummy.

Pretty damn hot - to a male Horta.

Salt Monster
Salt Monster
Thankfully, this species uses a form of hypnosis to make it appear more attractive to humans. Click on image to see how well this works for you.

Orion Slave Girl
Green skin, red lips - interesting combination. I wonder what her blood type is?

Duras Sisters
Now they ugly!


Yes, yes, I know that the Borg Collective isn't strictly a species, and that Seven of Nine isn't an alien, but man, she's sexy!

Female Of The Species - Space

Friday, 7 September 2007

I Am Aghast

I was reading up on Boltzmann Brains, Matrioshka Brains and that today, as you do, when I came across a reference to one of my favourite bloggers. Yes, it turns out that Bossy is in fact a cybernetic brain or supercomputer. No wonder she's so prolific - she doesn't need to eat or sleep. I definitely need to get an upgrade; thinking about one of these...

A stolen bronze statue of Olympic Gold medallist Steve Ovett has been found in pieces on a bonfire. Insert your own punchline here.

More animals in the moos - the recent outbreak of Foot and Mouth Disease has been traced to a government laboratory next door to the affected farms. Bear found to be Catholic, Pope shits in woods, research causes cancer in rats, etc.

Rich bitch Leona Helmsley left her dog $12 million in her will, and now - you've guessed it - the dog is being sued by a former housekeeper for biting her. As the lady's son put it, "That dog got money. That money is going to be taken away from that dog." Sounds like that dog is nothing but Trouble.

Only 12 days to ITLAPD. How will you be joining in the fun, maties? Arrr!

Update: Late breaking animal news - Gorilla Bananas has released a video. Who knew gorillas could play drums?

Wednesday, 5 September 2007

Serpentes on a Shippe!

Just read this: Serpentes on a Shippe!

Thanks to Lucy WithaY.

Tuesday, 4 September 2007

You Don't Say

Ever wonder about those words that are obviously antonyms (opposites for something), but where the original word seems to be no longer funct?

Have you been paraged for your kempt hair or your hevelled appearance?

Ok, perhaps you've been a bit maculate, but you're finitely rageous. They should all be appointed with you. You're a couth, agonistic 'er-do-well.

You've never been hibited, but hey, that just means you're both scrutable and spicable.

And the way you mantled that frigerator was vastatingly ept!

Sunday, 2 September 2007

I'm Not Being Funny, Right...

...but Thursday night's Eight Out of Ten Cats was the funniest ever! When Mouthy opened her gob to make a comment, the first words to emerge were: "I'm not being funny, right -" and Jimmy Carr agreed. After that, whenever she tried to speak, which was roughly every five seconds, she seemed to be stuck on that one phrase. Well, it made me laugh, but I'm just shallow.

I can do deep and profound too. Italian cosmologist Sabino Matarrese of the University of Padova claims, in support of recent observations that the universe contains voids up to a milliard light years across, that dark energy may not exist after all, and that the accelerating expansion of the universe might be explained by the existence of large-scale spherical holes, somewhat like Swiss Cheese. Don't believe me? Look at Google Moon, then zoom in to maximum magnification. You SEE? You SEE?

Here's one that, well, it's a bit hard to classify. A friend was asked to babysit his nephew while mum & dad went out on the ran dan. All went well until bed-time. Uncle got the little 'un into bed and started reading him a story. He chose the one about the Three Little Pigs and the Big Bad Wolf. At the point where "He huffed, and he puffed, and he bleeeeeeeeeeew the house down!", the nephew piped up, in all innocence, "What a fucking bastard!" As you do.

Anybody ever wondered what it means when the computer prompts you to "press any key to continue"?
Now you know.
Any Key