Internet Driving Test

So Microsoft's chief strategy officer, Craig Mundie, reckons we should only be allowed on the intertubes if we have an internet driving licence.

I believe this is an absolutely brainless brilliant idea. We can use it to stop those pesky kids from getting online to download free music, play their Mafia World, Café Wars, Farmville and crap so that we can get on with the important business of Twittering.

Er...

Anyway, obviously, to obtain such a licence you'll need to pass some kind of test to prove your suitability to surf. Perhaps it would look something like this:

Internet Driving Test - Theory

Which of the following may cause loss of concentration in a long browsing session?

Mark three answers.

• Engaging in a flamewar with trolls


• Playing Farmville


• Putting a cassette tape in the CD drive


• Stopping regularly to reboot


• Two girls, one cup

Anti-spam filters prevent your inbox from overflowing. This means the users are less likely to

Mark one answer.

• See their browser freeze up


• Get their PC infected with a trojan


• Catch a virus


• Get followed by a p0rnbot


• See too much enough p0rn

Before starting an internet session it is wise to plan which sites to visit. How can you do this?

Mark one answer.

• Look at Google Maps


• Switch on your GPS


• Look in an atlas


• Type "p0rn" in the search box and hit "I Feel Lucky"

What percentage of all internet traffic does p0rn account for?

Mark one answer.

• 10%


• 15%


• 20%


• 99%

The fluid level in your coffee cup is low. What should you top it up with?

Mark one answer.

• Warm milk


• Distilled water


• Coffee


• Two girls, one cup

How can you tell if your PC is infected with a virus?

Mark two answers.

• The hard drive make a rumbling noise


• The hard drive make hardly any noise


• The hard drive stops and goes into reverse


• You get a popup offering free anti-virus software


• Your PC starts opening multiple windows with links to p0rn sites

What is the most common cause of crashing?

Mark one answer.

• Spam


• User error


• Other users


• Internet Explorer


• P0rn

An End User Licence Agreement is normally valid for

Mark one answer.

• Three days after the date you accept it


• 10Mb of browsing


• One year after the date you accept it


• 300Gb of browsing


• Surfing p0rn sites

Antivirus packages are fitted to make the

Mark two answers.

• Computer slow down


• Antivirus vendors richer


• Browsers run smoothly


• Viruses install more easily

What is the most likely cause of high disk activity?

Mark one answer.

• Bloatware


• Internet Explorer


• Antivirus software


• BitTorrent


• Trojan viruses


• P0rn

While on live TV, you receive an email from a co-worker with pictures of an Australian p0rn star. You should

Mark one answer.

• Try not to react


• Let them know how you feel


• Smile for the cameras, you're going to be on YouTube!


• Send them flame emails for the rest of your career/the day, whichever is longer


• Stab them in the face over the internet

Wordless Wednesday

Sky is Falling, Say Boffins

Climatologists at the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) claim in their latest report that the sky is falling and everyone should run for cover before it comes crashing down.

This latest shock news comes hard on the heels of a warning from the same august body that Himalayan glaciers could disappear by 2035, based on an email interview with Indian glaciologist Syed Hasnain, published in New Scientist back in 1999.

However, this time the Nobel Prize-winning authors assert that they have "got it dead right this time", quoting from the highly respected scientific journal the Oxford Storybook, in a peer-reviewed article published by Ian Beck and colleagues titled "Chicken Licken".

In this nightmare scenario, Professor Beck describes in graphic detail with illustrations and everything how the Earth's atmosphere will suffer catastrophic collapse, bringing clouds, planes, weather balloons and birds down with it. Property damage alone is estimated to run into trillions of dollars. Smaller species of wildlife are expected to be wiped out in a mass extinction. Or eaten by wily foxes.

Critics are already describing the latest revelations as "alarmist", "wildly inaccurate", "hare-brained" and "can I have some of what he's smoking?"

Whale Meat Again*

So. It looks like there was a wee contretemps in the Southern Ocean today. See how you do in my impromptu quiz.

1. The Japanese warship hit the Adi Gil because:
a) The powerboat was using advanced stealth technology, making it invisible.
b) The Japanese crew were busy looking for whales.
c) The powerboat accelerated directly into the path of the warship.

2. At the time of the collision, the Adi Gil was:
a) Completely stationery, honest.
b) Sailing directly away from the whaling fleet.
c) Steering towards the bow of the Japanese ship. As you do.

3. The conservation group's boat was:
a) Utterly destroyed, killing all aboard her.
b) Sunk without trace, drowning all the crew.
c) Holed, but otherwise still floating.

4. The Japanese are carrying out "scientific" whaling. They are trying to find:
a) Whether the whale population is at a sustainable size for commercial whaling to resume.
b) Any way around IWC rules on catching whales.
c) The tastiest recipe for whalemeat, yum!

* I had a better title, but forgot it. Sorry.

More of the White Stuff

Edinburgh Botanical Gardens. In the snow.

To the Caff!

Spot the squirrel

Edinburgh skyline

Gap in the trees

That squirrel again.

Snow, Snow, Thick Thick Snow

As the title of this blog says, it's better oot than in. So on New Year's Day I took my brand new camera out for it's first field test. The only processing I've done on these is cropping a couple to size. Click to embiggen and feel free to use as wallpaper etc. as long as it's not for commercial purposes.

Resolutions Revisited

So, I just checked out my new year's resolutions from this time last year and guess what? Oh crap.

Last week I caught up on last year's Sunday Night Xmas Project. Still got months of other stuff still to see, including Pirates of the Caribbean 2 - yes, I've just seen 3, so I can guess who wins.

Still haven't used the digital photo frame - anybody want one? I really don't see the point.

Doctor Who gets to fight an old enemy tomorrow, so no change there then.

I now have a printer/scanner, which I've used more for printing than scanning. Sorry.

Blogroll. Oops. Just look at who I'm following on Twitter, it's far easier.

My resolution for 2010? 1152×864. I am such a geek.

Happy New Year!