Farty's Fortunes

Wednesday, 16 October 2013

The Return

The Earth shivered.

Long had this day been foretold by the prophets. And long had the people made fun of them, saying, "Mock us not with your children's stories. This shall never come to pass."

The shivering slowly grew to a rumbling.

Spake the prophets: "They roamed the Earth long before our time and yea! They shall come again!"

The rumbling became a steady, full-throated roar.

"But times have changed", countered the people. "And their time is long gone. Let the dead past bury its dead."

A glint of silver appeared on the horizon. A few moments later, it was joined by another, then a third. Soon they would be here. Children hugged their mothers' skirts, whimpering with fear.

Glistening in the dawn light, the giant, sightless beasts came snaking across the plains, unerringly following the scent of humans into the city.

Gathering their strength, they leapt together across the fire trench and pounced upon the citizens like cats upon mice, ripping flesh from bones in a blood-soaked frenzy of long-abated hunger.

The trams were back.

Monday, 20 February 2012

She's A Juanita


Monday, 6 February 2012

Let’s Pretend This Never Happened

Those of you with very long memories may remember my second-shortest post ever.

Well, guess what? Despite constant interruptions from Hailey, Victor and her menagerie of pets, not to mention her adoring readers, Jenny finally finished writing her book.


Let’s Pretend This Never Happened is available for pre-order from all good bookstores. And Amazon.

It. Is. Awesome.


I've ordered mine. How about you?

Monday, 2 January 2012

I Learned Something Today

I've been catching up with reruns of The Big Bang Theory and after hearing the theme song half a dozen times in a row I looked up autotroph and it turns out they are the organisms at the bottom of the food chain pyramid which live off of inorganic matter and convert it into organic molecules using photosynthesis and that.

Which totally screws up my post on Inorganic Food.


Also, I had been led to believe that energy and matter are different forms of each other, in the same way that space and time are inextricably linked, and that all of these are basic building blocks in the universe; that they can neither be created nor destroyed, merely changed from one form to another.

So imagine my astonishment when the lady on another telly show said that some DIY enthusiasts had managed to create both space and light simply by knocking through a wall in an old house.

Wonders will never cease.

Tuesday, 20 December 2011

Farty's Ecksmas Quiz 2011

Let's have an Ecksmas Quiz!

1. Easy one to start with. Name that choon.

2. Pick the odd one out.
a) The Great Scottish Haggis Hunt.
b) Loch Ness Monster sightings.
c) The Edinburgh Trams.
d) UFOs over Bonnybridge.

Sorry, I got distracted by shiny. Continuing...

3. What famous quote from Independence Day was appropriated by Disney's Tangled? (Clue: You won't find it in IMDB, I just checked.)

4. At what age is it appropriate to ask someone if they still believe in Jesus?

5. What nationality is Andy Murray...
(a) When he wins?
(b) When he loses?

6. What is wrong with this picture? (click to embiggen)
Proving Atheists Wrong With Science #1

7. Better question: What's right with it?

To be continued. Maybe.

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

Bear With Me

This seems to be International Bear Week or something. First, poor Sir David Attenborough gets slated for using zoo pictures of baby polar bears in his Frozen Planet series. Shocking stuff. Did Professor Brian Cox film his Wonders of the Solar System while in orbit around Jupiter? No? Now I feel cheated.

Then Jenny the Bloggess posts a link to a French film producer who looks a bit on the hairy side.

And now there are rumours that Edinburgh's very own Panda Bears may not be all they're cracked up to be. Where will it all end?

Monday, 28 November 2011

Doctor Who Pass Notes (contains spoilers)

Name: The Doctor

Age: Circa 1100 years, although he existed at the birth of the Earth and the end of time.

Appearance: Old/young/middle-aged/young again/truly ancient/young white male. Long/short dark/white/fair hair. Prefers to wear long coats, hats and scarves.

Background: Born on Gallifrey, fairly normal upbringing, then got a bit rebellious and stole borrowed rescued a decommissioned type 40 TARDIS from a scrapyard to explore the universe. Currently has arrest warrants out on ~5000 planets for interfering with causality.

TARDIS? Time And Relative Dimension In Space. A time machine, if you will. Also spaceship. Looks like a 1960s London police call box.

Is he a real doctor? He is a qualified medical practitioner, but has also carried out extensive studies in philosophy, language, physics, mathematics, chemistry, intergalactic law, robotics, vulcanology and cricket. Likes to consider himself a good all-rounder, but still has trouble with basic navigation. Rarely lands the TARDIS on target.

Any friends? Usually has one or more companions, generally human or humanoid but has also been known to carry a tin dog on board. Most companions end up dead or lost in a parallel universe.

Tin dog? K9. A talking mechanical dog, carrying basic armaments and possessing limited intelligence. Almost as lovable as Jar-Jar Binks.

And enemies? Cybermen, Shansheeth, Slitheen, Silence, Gelth, Nestene, Daleks -

Daleks? Giant pepper-pots with a single eye on a stalk. Lacking any depth perception, they tend to bump into things a lot. Perpetually cross as a result.

How does the Doctor deal with his enemies? The Doctor always attempts to talk his way out of trouble by way of peaceful negotiations. When that fails, he usually resorts to genocide. He has utterly destroyed the Daleks on at least four separate occasions, one of which destroyed his own homeworld. Worst. Pest controller. Ever.

What weapons does the Doctor carry? None, although he does own a sonic screwdriver. This is quite handy for turning sonic screws and not much else.

So the Doctor is the last of his kind? The Doctor's home planet was sealed off from the rest of the universe in the Time War with the Daleks. Although his own race, the Time Lords, are essentially extinct, he has a daughter, at least one wife and has dealt with other time-travellers.

He appears human. Only on the outside. On the inside, Time Lords have two hearts. Also, on the frequent occasions on which he gets killed, he is reincarnated or "regenerated" on the spot. Technically, this makes the Doctor a zombie.

Why does the TARDIS resemble a police box? The TARDIS has a chameleon circuit to allow it to blend in with its environment. When we first saw it, it was in 1960s London, so this camouflage worked perfectly. Then the chameleon circuit broke.

Isn't it a bit poky? Like the wardrobe in Narnia and the travelling luggage in Discworld, the TARDIS is bigger on the inside. Be sure to check out the swimming pool, the library, the spiral staircase, the alternate control room and the laundry room.

How does the Doctor communicate with aliens? He just speaks normally. The TARDIS is telepathic and performs automatic translation between all known languages and most unknown ones.

Not to be confused with: Harry Potter.

Do say: "Dock-torrrr!"

Don't say: "Pleased to meet you, Doctor Who!"