Farty's Ecksmas Quiz 2011

Let's have an Ecksmas Quiz!

1. Easy one to start with. Name that choon.


2. Pick the odd one out.
a) The Great Scottish Haggis Hunt.
b) Loch Ness Monster sightings.
c) The Edinburgh Trams.
d) UFOs over Bonnybridge.

Sorry, I got distracted by shiny. Continuing...

3. What famous quote from Independence Day was appropriated by Disney's Tangled? (Clue: You won't find it in IMDB, I just checked.)

4. At what age is it appropriate to ask someone if they still believe in Jesus?

5. What nationality is Andy Murray...
(a) When he wins?
(b) When he loses?

6. What is wrong with this picture? (click to embiggen)
Proving Atheists Wrong With Science #1

7. Better question: What's right with it?

To be continued. Maybe.

And That's Why I Never Insure With Domestic & General

Earlier this month, I received a letter from Domestic & General Insurance.

"Dear Sir," it began, quoting a reference number, "Further to your recent communication regarding the above agreement."

I thought this was a mite odd, considering that I make a point of not using their services, ever, and certainly hadn't communicated with them recently.

The letter went on to explain why the agreement I don't have with them had been cancelled.

Curiouser and curiouser.

Then I checked the Direct Debit mandate which they had helpfully attached, and all became clear.

Clear as mud, to be honest.

The signature didn't even remotely resemble mine.

Come to think of it, neither did the name, address, bank, sort-code or account number.

Although, on closer inspection, the quoted reference number was only one digit different from the one in the letter.

Ah.

At that point I picked up the phone and called their customer support number, which only took a couple of button-presses to put me through to their complaints department, where a very articulate young chap answered immediately, listened attentively to my explanation of why I felt his company was in breach of the Data Protection Act, interjected only to say that my reference number was for a make of appliance I haven't even owned in ten years, then apologised profusely and politely suggested that I score through the letter, write "return to sender" across it, attach a note explaining what I'd just told him, pop it in the enclosed envelope and stick it in the post, which I promptly did.

And I thought that was the end of it.

Until.

This week, I received another letter from Domestic & General.

Oh, how nice, I thought. They've taken the time to send me a written apology. Yay.

As it turned out, not so much.

"Dear Sir," it began, quoting a reference number, "Further to your recent communication regarding the above agreement."

My heart sank.

It was the same letter.

Had it fallen through a wormhole in the space-time continuum?

Well, no, because it was stapled to my letter to them, their original, scored-through letter to me and the same Direct Debit mandate.

Fuckwads.

I quite enjoy a game of ping-pong, so I'm sending the entire set of correspondence back to D&G. Only this time I'm sending a copy to the person named on the Direct Debit mandate so that they know why their appliance isn't insured.

And another copy to the Data Protection Registrar.

Because that's how I roll.

Banned from the Co-op – Didn’t like shopping there anyway!

Yesterday I was at my local Co-op buying a large bag Pedigree Chum dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Pedigree Chum Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Chum nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from the Co-op!

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends - it will be
their laugh for the day...

(Thanks to Jennifer for this tale)

World Trade Centre to Relocate to Scotland

Under ambitious new plans announced to the press today, a new World Trade Centre is to be built in the heart of Bonnie Scotchland. The noo.

The World Trade Centre Association (WTCA) has granted Embra toon cooncil a licence to waste even more money on top of what's already been squandered on the Parliament building and the fecking trams. The cooncil believes the site close to both Embra airport and the global HQ of RBS is an ideal target for terrorists.

Cooncillor Shuggy McNumpty declared that the original licence was to catch crabs in the Water of Leith, but with the aid of a crayon this had been amended to grant full permission to build a bothy close to the site of the Royal Highland Show.

Artist's Impression

It is hoped that the new WTC would rival Great Britain's only other site in Hull.

Ownership of the licence would be reassigned just as soon as someone mental enough to think this plan might work can be found, although last night Donald Trump was unavailable for comment.

Shit My Dad Said

Some time ago.

Dad worked on the top floor of a four-storey telephone exchange. There were no lifts (elevators), but the exercise he got from climbing the stairs every morning was still preferable to the drenching he'd regularly received while fixing junction boxes in the streets of Edinburgh.

Be that as it may.

One day, a uniformed police officer turned up by his desk, puffing and wheezing.

"Good day, my good man," or words to that effect, said the filth. "Would that be your car parked on the pavement downstairs, only it's causing an obstruction?"

"Would that be the silver Bentley?" asked Dad innocuously. Dad never drove in his life.

"Ah, no sir," replied the pig. "It's a blue Ford Escort. Sorry to have disturbed you."

And off he went.

Five minutes later, with much pounding on the stairs, the rozzer was back, gasping for breath this time. "Sir! Sir! There's no silver Bentley down there!"

"Oh, my God, it's been stolen!" Sharp as a pin, was Dad.

So then he made poor PC Plod go back down again, have another look to make sure, come back up and prepare to take a statement before declaring, "Ah, wait, the wife said she would be taking it today to fetch the shopping."

He would have loved Robin Cooper.

Psychiatrists 'Worse Than Useless', Psychiatric Study Shows

A new study in The Lancet has proven what many of us have suspected for years: criminally insane nutjobs have been blagging their way back out of secure units into 'scare in the community' programs by 'telling lies' to their psychiatrists.

Typical phrases seen over and over in the psychiatric evaluation reports include: "I feel fine now, doctor", "No, really, it was just that one episode" and "I hardly ever get the urge nowadays to run amok with a meat cleaver in the local shopping centre".

Closer examination of the data leads to the earth-shattering conclusion that out of 2500 violent lunatics who went on the rampage after their release, all of them without exception would, if locked up indefinitely, have only been able to harm themselves or other schizos. Who don't count.

Shrinks have been quick to defend their profession, claiming that they never expected loons to be able to string more than a few words together, never mind come up with a coherent argument for why they should be allowed near sharp objects.

"So tell me again," said leading trick-cyclist Albrecht Schadenfroher, "what's this thing you call a 'lie'? I can't quite get my head around it."

Internet Driving Test

So Microsoft's chief strategy officer, Craig Mundie, reckons we should only be allowed on the intertubes if we have an internet driving licence.

I believe this is an absolutely brainless brilliant idea. We can use it to stop those pesky kids from getting online to download free music, play their Mafia World, Café Wars, Farmville and crap so that we can get on with the important business of Twittering.

Er...

Anyway, obviously, to obtain such a licence you'll need to pass some kind of test to prove your suitability to surf. Perhaps it would look something like this:

Internet Driving Test - Theory

Which of the following may cause loss of concentration in a long browsing session?

Mark three answers.

• Engaging in a flamewar with trolls


• Playing Farmville


• Putting a cassette tape in the CD drive


• Stopping regularly to reboot


• Two girls, one cup

Anti-spam filters prevent your inbox from overflowing. This means the users are less likely to

Mark one answer.

• See their browser freeze up


• Get their PC infected with a trojan


• Catch a virus


• Get followed by a p0rnbot


• See too much enough p0rn

Before starting an internet session it is wise to plan which sites to visit. How can you do this?

Mark one answer.

• Look at Google Maps


• Switch on your GPS


• Look in an atlas


• Type "p0rn" in the search box and hit "I Feel Lucky"

What percentage of all internet traffic does p0rn account for?

Mark one answer.

• 10%


• 15%


• 20%


• 99%

The fluid level in your coffee cup is low. What should you top it up with?

Mark one answer.

• Warm milk


• Distilled water


• Coffee


• Two girls, one cup

How can you tell if your PC is infected with a virus?

Mark two answers.

• The hard drive make a rumbling noise


• The hard drive make hardly any noise


• The hard drive stops and goes into reverse


• You get a popup offering free anti-virus software


• Your PC starts opening multiple windows with links to p0rn sites

What is the most common cause of crashing?

Mark one answer.

• Spam


• User error


• Other users


• Internet Explorer


• P0rn

An End User Licence Agreement is normally valid for

Mark one answer.

• Three days after the date you accept it


• 10Mb of browsing


• One year after the date you accept it


• 300Gb of browsing


• Surfing p0rn sites

Antivirus packages are fitted to make the

Mark two answers.

• Computer slow down


• Antivirus vendors richer


• Browsers run smoothly


• Viruses install more easily

What is the most likely cause of high disk activity?

Mark one answer.

• Bloatware


• Internet Explorer


• Antivirus software


• BitTorrent


• Trojan viruses


• P0rn

While on live TV, you receive an email from a co-worker with pictures of an Australian p0rn star. You should

Mark one answer.

• Try not to react


• Let them know how you feel


• Smile for the cameras, you're going to be on YouTube!


• Send them flame emails for the rest of your career/the day, whichever is longer


• Stab them in the face over the internet

Sky is Falling, Say Boffins

Climatologists at the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) claim in their latest report that the sky is falling and everyone should run for cover before it comes crashing down.

This latest shock news comes hard on the heels of a warning from the same august body that Himalayan glaciers could disappear by 2035, based on an email interview with Indian glaciologist Syed Hasnain, published in New Scientist back in 1999.

However, this time the Nobel Prize-winning authors assert that they have "got it dead right this time", quoting from the highly respected scientific journal the Oxford Storybook, in a peer-reviewed article published by Ian Beck and colleagues titled "Chicken Licken".

In this nightmare scenario, Professor Beck describes in graphic detail with illustrations and everything how the Earth's atmosphere will suffer catastrophic collapse, bringing clouds, planes, weather balloons and birds down with it. Property damage alone is estimated to run into trillions of dollars. Smaller species of wildlife are expected to be wiped out in a mass extinction. Or eaten by wily foxes.

Critics are already describing the latest revelations as "alarmist", "wildly inaccurate", "hare-brained" and "can I have some of what he's smoking?"

Apparently...

Eating the evidence isn't always the best way to avoid prosecution for shoplifting. Especially if your haul includes a mobile phone.

Motormouth Jeremy Clarkson has accused PM Gordon Brown of being a one-eyed Scottish idiot. As an idiot, I feel insulted.

If you accidentally send an email to everyone in your 177,000-strong organisation, it takes quite a while to clear 26,000 out-of-office replies.

A blogoversary is supposed to be a special occasion. Any suggestions for how I should mark my second one next week?

Give Generously

I give and I give and I give and still you want more. You're like a bunch of zombie vampires or something. Sorry, I've been immersed in another blog and some of it seems to have rubbed off.

So. What have I missed?

Well, for one thing, the fuckwitted city council of Birmingham (not Alabama, the other one) have seen fit to ban apostrophes from their signage. Apparently the cost of reintroducing them would be astronomical. Maybe I can help out. Hey, Brum! Here, have some apostrophes! '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

While were on the subject, whats the correct spelling of the half-street that runs through Embra city centre?
Thats right - Princes Street. Named after the two sons of Mad King George III. No apostrophe needed. Your welcome.

You have no idea how hard it is for me not to go back and punctuate that paragraph.

Mrs F decided we should buy a bassinet for Little Miss Farty's baby, due in August.
Me: So we're going to play it soothing music?
Mrs F: WTF?
Me: I've heard that's good for developing fœtuses.
Mrs F: What exactly do you think a bassinet is?
Me: Er, some kind of musical instrument?
Mrs F: How did you arrive at that conclusion?
Me: It's a cross between a bassoon and a clarinet, innit?



I wonder which part you blow?

Did you know New England isn't actually a US state? I didn't.


An atheist campaign group was cleared to run ads on London buses claiming that there's probably no God. Christians wanted the ads banned on the grounds of substantiation and truthfulness, but the ASA ruled that the ad wasn't misleading, because they used the word 'probably'. Now the backlash - Christians want to place ads saying there is a God. Won't they have to prove it first?


On the subject of invisible flying things, did you hear about the Lincolnshire wind turbine that was hit by a UFO? According to The Sun, "there was no trace of one of the turbine’s three huge 65ft blades." Until it turned up a few feet away. And in order to hit two of the blades, any object must have been about 170 feet long. Er...unless the blades were rotating. Its It's all very mysterious.

I Prefer To Think Of Them As "Coworkers"

Apparently anyone who drinks more than seven cups of coffee a day is three times more likely to have hallucinations, i.e. "seeing things that were not there, hearing voices, and sensing the presence of dead people". I need at least that much just to wake up. And the voices are usually saying, "Why does that guy have to pee in a bucket? Is the men's toilet blocked again?"

Graham Stringer, MP says that dyslexia doesn't exist and is merely a creul fcition invented to cover up pore teeching. He also claims that theirs no Santa, there never was any weapon's of mass destrucshun in Irack and piracy is not responsible for keeping global warming in cheque. Wotevs, Graeme!

Hands up who didn't laugh when they heard that five pirates drowned while making their getaway with a $3 million ransom? Now there's kaaaarrrrma!

And shock, horror! New research shows that three days of normal human farts cause the same amount of damage to the planet as a Google search. Unless we capture the farts, light them and use the energy to boil a kettle for a nice cup of coffee while we surf the interwebs.

Finally, take a look at this and say: "Awwwwwwwwwwww!"



Now go to your documents and post the 6th picture in your 6th file.

Toot toot!

Just Because You're Paranoid Doesn't Mean They're Not Out To Get You

So, what happened was this. Little Miss Farty sent me an email from work last night. Because playing on the internets is so much more rewarding than working she loves me so much. Scroll down to see the picture. I showed it to Mrs F and she said I should send a reply, so I replied "Haha, very funny. Get back to work." Then I hit "send", as you do.

A fraction of a second after releasing the mouse button, I realised that although her email had been addressed to my real name, Outlook had helpfully changed my sender name to "Mr Farty". Thanks, Microsoft. Thanks a fucking bunch.

So the phone rings. "Dad, did you just send me an email as "Mr Farty"?

"Er, yes?"

"Oh. Ok, 'cos I thought my computer had been infected by a virus or something."

"No, no, just my little joke, ha-ha."

"Ok, night-night then, Dad."

"Night-night, sweetheart. Don't work too hard."

And now I'm wondering whether to delete my blog, 'cos how long will it be before she decides, out of curiosity, to google "Mr Farty"?

Update: If my daughter is reading this, remember that there's more than one Mr Farty on t'internets. This one isn't me, it's a complete stranger. Plus, quit slacking and get back to work!

That email...

Always check your child's homework

Keep reading...





That mommy works at Home Depot and this was supposed to be her selling a shovel.

Dying Of Man Flu

*cough* *cough* *cough*

Feck. I hate it when I don't feel well. Seriously, I'd rather be back at work but somehow I don't think they'd thank me for coughing all their germs that they infected me with FFS! back over them. At least, the last time I tried that, they gave me evil eyes, there's gratitude for you.

Anyway.

Am I the only one who's noticed that you never see Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana in the same room at the same time? Not that I'm suspicious or that, but...

Miley Cyrus
Hannah Montana

There's an old joke about the ambassador's wife at a big function in Hong Kong showing up with a fancy brooch on her dress with pretty Chinese characters on it, which then totally gives her a red face because it turns out the symbols translate as "Official Badge, City of Hong Kong, Registered Prostitute #324" (I may have got the number wrong). Thank feck that sort of thing's never happened in real life. In a scientific journal. Like the journal of the Max Planck Institute in Germany. On the front cover. Horny housewives? Really?

Talking of boffins, that work they're doing on their invisibility cloak is moving along nicely. Although, if it were me, the one place I would want to be fully visible would be when I'm halfway across the road on a zebra crossing.



I was planning to do an Ecksmas-themed Friday Chart post with a bar of gold to symbolise Spandau Ballet's classic 80's hit Gold!, but I couldn't find any songs called Frankincense and Myrrh to complete the trio. Meh. WTF is myrrh anyway? Sounds like a happy cat. Another great idea down the drain.





Only a Merkan would think to make handguns available on prescription for the elderly and disabled. As it says in Slashdot, what could possibly go wrong? Hey, I wonder if I could get one of those off the NHS in my present state? *hack* *cough* Those pesky kids are making way too much noise outside. 'Scuse I...

Dumb Question

Someone asked me today, "Have you always had a beard?"

"Oh, yes," I replied, "at least I think so. You'd really have to ask my mum."



So what's the dumbest question you've (been) asked?

Crisis? What Crisis?

Apparently there's a bit of a kerfuffle going on in the financial markets. In fact, one commentator went so far as to say: "The President isn't working properly." That was me, just now. Dubya seems to think the market isn't working, but from what little I can remember about macroeconomic theory the market, being an emergent property of any politico-economic fiscal system, from simple barter to the London Stock Exchange, is working exactly as you'd expect.

A market is where goods and services are exchanged, and the point where supply meets demand is called the "price". Keep the supply short, by for instance neglecting to build any basic council housing and selling off what there is, while the population climbs inexorably higher, and the demand will skyrocket, sending prices into orbit. People will lie, cheat and lie some more to get a foot on the property ladder: "Oh, yes, we can afford to pay twice our annual salary every month, after all we'll be selling this place for a vast profit in the very near future." "That's no problem, I'll get a vast commission by selling you this highly desirable shoebox. Then I'll run away."

One of the reasons for having a government is to govern people's activities. The clue is in the name. I'd argue that the act of government includes protecting the weak from the strong, the poor from the rich and the stupid from the cunning. In this, the Bush and indeed the Blair/Brown administration have clearly failed.

Now we find poor, homeless people sleeping in the street outside expensive, empty houses. Banks and building societies are collapsing right, left and centre. And as long as Bush and his ilk are prepared to bail them out with taxpayers' money - your money, my money - it will continue to worsen until we suddenly find that overnight the US, the UK and the EU have become third world countries like Zimbabwe and the Sudan.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying we should lynch the ringleaders and torch their homes and possessions, after all how could we even be sure who those millionaires and billionaires are? It would be all too easy to organise a flash-mob in every major city and hunt the fuckers down like animals, but that would be wrong. Fun, but wrong.

Perhaps it would be in their own best interests if the law were to make a lasting example of the financial and political leaders who are ultimately responsible for this mess by jailing them for fraud. Because from where I'm sitting, it looks like they've taken people's money and given them nothing back in return except for broken dreams. And none of your "open prison" crap, I'm sure there's plenty of room to spare in Guantanamo Bay.

/rant

And I'd Have Gotten Away With It Too...

...if it wasn't for those pesky non-existent kids.

How can anyone, even in Glasgow, claim benefits for fourteen children she doesn't have for four years and nobody even bother to check? Grr.

She'd probably be claiming still, except that she "got greedy" and started claiming for phantom disabilities that her phantom kids didn't have.

"Er, hello, is that the Social? Aye, it's Mrs Semple. Again. It's aboot oor wee, er, haud on...Tariq. The poor wee thing's got, let's see, Gulf War Syndrome. How much can we get for that? Pardon? Aye, he's three. Well, Ah suppose he must of caught it from his dad. Along with the mesothelioma, cirrhosis and Madonna's Disease. Making it up, what makes you think I'm making it up? The Internet wouldn't lie to me...would it?"

So Much To Do, So Little Time

Since I added those new blogs to my reader, it's getting harder and harder to keep up. Despite which, I've had time to notice:

Bottoms up. Councillors in Perth, Scotchland, have proposed that alcoholics should be provided with a drinking den as a means of keeping them off the streets. We have those in Embra - we call them "pubs".

Touched by His Noodly Appendage. Merkan VP candidate Sarah Palin is pro-Flying Spaghetti Monsterism. When asked about her views on whether only evolution should be taught in schools, she allegedly said: "Teach both. You know, don't be afraid of information. Healthy debate is so important, and it's so valuable in our schools. I am a proponent of teaching both."

Jesus H. On the subject of holy schemoly, have you seen this?

More Here.

Me, I'm just a lawnmower. According to New Scientist, boffins at the Jet Physics Laboratory have worked out how to recognise a terrorist by the way his shadow moves when he walks. "In tests on footage shot from the sixth floor of a building, [Adrian] Stoica says his software was indeed able to extract useful gait data." This would totally work with satellite photos too. Unless the terrorists only went out at noon, or lived in Britain: you don't get shadows when it's raining.

There's your problem! According to a source quoted on Slashdot, the fine structure constant, which governs nookular decay, may vary with the Earth's distance from the Sun. FSM, I'd hate it for the astrologers to be right all along! "Ah, you took your measurements when Virgo was in the ascendant, but if you'd done it when Mars was aligned with Uranus, you'd have got twice the number of alpha particles emitted." Personally, I don't believe a word of it, but then I'm an Aries and we're naturally sceptical.

What a scream. Have you ever noticed that if you stand in the street and start screaming, people just look at you as if you're some kind of weirdo, but if you do the same thing in a plane, they all want to join in? I'm so going to get hate mail for that one.

Nightmare. I have this recurring nightmare. I'm in bed with Beyoncé on one side of me and Rihanna on the other side. I don't know which way to turn.

Click your heels together. There's no place like 127.0.0.1.

Toot toot!

Observation #2

Birmingham


Birmingham


One of these cities is Birmingham, West Midlands, England. Historically important for meh; well-known for the Bull Ring (which seems a bit short on bulls), Spaghetti Junction (I see no pasta sauce) and Cadbury's chocolate; exports include: Ozzy Osbourne (musician), Jasper Carrott (comedian) and Cat Deeley (babe).

The other one is Birmingham, Alabama, USA. Historically important for its civil rights struggle; well-known for its steel production, its high murder rate and the Nascar Nextel Cup; exports include: Spiderman Martin (photographer), Johnny Smith (guitarist), Courteney Cox (actor), Emmylou Harris (singer), Condoleezza Rice (secretary), E.O. Wilson (author), Carl Lewis (runner), Willie Mays (baseball player).

Even a complete and utter numpty could tell them apart.

Especially if they lived there.

And worked on the local council.

And were responsible for printing and distributing 720,000 leaflets to the local residents, with a picture of Birmingham plastered across the middle.

Surely?

Oh, dear.

Abandon The North!

A Tory think-tank says that northern cities such as Liverpool, Sunderland and Hull are beyond revival and that millions of northerners should migrate to London and the southeast of England, following a massive building program to house them all.

Rather than ruin what's left of the southeast landscape with three million new slums, I would respectfully suggest that we could:

- Build a huge, fortified wall north of Oxford to keep them out.
Or move Hadrian's Wall a bit further south.

- Inundate the North of England, drowning the northerners.
Work in hand, have you seen the news?

- Jack up the cities of Liverpool and Hull and drive them south.
Except that the thieving scousers would nick the wheels.

- Abandon the North to the rats and wolves.
There are no wild wolves in the UK, but we're working on that.

Do you have a better idea?

Farty's Ecksmas Competition

Mr Farty has been oot and aboot aroond Embra with his rusty trusty camera, taking snaps (do they still call them snaps?) of the auld toon and the new deckarayshuns. After a quick dab with Paintshop Pro^TM, here are the results.

Your challenge, should you choose to accept it, is to identify which picture has been touched up (adding text doesn't count). Whoever spots which item has been cloned will get a virtual pat on the back. Whoever can correctly identify what has been digitally removed from the same picture will win a prize.

Update: Either Paintshop is so good that nobody can see the join and figure out what I painted over, or nobody can be arsed. Well, I've already bought the prize, so I've decided to make it easier for you. After all, it's Ecksmas.

In the event of a tie, complete this sentence in as many words as you like: "I should win the prize because..."

So what's the prize? A superb, hand-knitted Scotch mouse-mat and matching coasters!!!

Ready...steady...one more thing. Competition closes on Ecksmas Eve. The prize will be delivered in time for Ecksmas Day¹.

Go!

This picture coming up...


Did you see it? You do know you can click to enlarge any photo here?

¹ 2008, obv.