Merkan-English Dictionary #12

Cor blimey, guv/Golly gee! Is he still writing that tosh/crap? Yes indeed/Yo, dude!

Vets

In the UK, a vet is someone who looks after sick animals. If the poor beast is beyond help, he/she puts the creature to sleep, then charges an extortionate fee.

e.g. A man takes his dead dog to the vet. The vet tells him his dog is dead. The man asks if the vet is sure? So the vet fetches a tom cat, which walks around the dead mutt, peering closely at it, then strolls off with its tail in the air. The vet repeats that the dog is dead. Still not convinced, the man requests further confirmation, so the vet calls on his labrador. The labrador sniffs at the dead dog, barks once and leaves. The vet says that this proves the dog is dead, and the man finally accepts this.
Two weeks later, the man phones the vet to query the £255 bill, so the vet explains: "Five pounds for telling you your dog's dead; fifty for the cat scan and two hundred for the lab test."

In Merka, vets hardly ever treat sick animals. This is thought to be because Merkan vets are more used to working with heavy artillery than scalpels, syringes and that, what with being former soldiers.

Interestingly, Zimbabwean vets have no idea how to look after animals and have no experience of warfare either. Which hasn't stopped President Robert Mugabe from taking arable farmland away from white farmers and handing it over to black vets, leading to crop failure, desertification and famine. Anyone who knows what a Zimbabwean vet actually does should contact the Zimbabwean government urgently.

Magnum

A Magnum is something cold that you put in your mouth, where it gives you a good feeling. Unless you're a Merkan, in which case this is not recommended. Seriously.

Chips

Served on their own, British chips are delicious. But when a nice portion of battered cod is added to make a "fish supper", this makes a tasty and nutritious "meal".

Merkans - well, some Merkans - also think chips are tasty, but seem to prefer USiNg MIxEd CAsE WHeN WrItiNG ThE wORd dOWn.

There's also something called "French fries", or possibly "Freedom fries", but since the French insist on calling potatoes "Apples of the ground", I think we can safely discount that one.