Farty's Fortunes

Sunday, 25 May 2008

Merkan-English Dictionary #12

Cor blimey, guv/Golly gee! Is he still writing that tosh/crap? Yes indeed/Yo, dude!


VetIn the UK, a vet is someone who looks after sick animals. If the poor beast is beyond help, he/she puts the creature to sleep, then charges an extortionate fee.

e.g. A man takes his dead dog to the vet. The vet tells him his dog is dead. The man asks if the vet is sure? So the vet fetches a tom cat, which walks around the dead mutt, peering closely at it, then strolls off with its tail in the air. The vet repeats that the dog is dead. Still not convinced, the man requests further confirmation, so the vet calls on his labrador. The labrador sniffs at the dead dog, barks once and leaves. The vet says that this proves the dog is dead, and the man finally accepts this.
Two weeks later, the man phones the vet to query the £255 bill, so the vet explains: "Five pounds for telling you your dog's dead; fifty for the cat scan and two hundred for the lab test."

In Merka, vets hardly ever treat sick animals. This is thought to be because Merkan vets are more used to working with heavy artillery than scalpels, syringes and that, what with being former soldiers.

Interestingly, Zimbabwean vets have no idea how to look after animals and have no experience of warfare either. Which hasn't stopped President Robert Mugabe from taking arable farmland away from white farmers and handing it over to black vets, leading to crop failure, desertification and famine. Anyone who knows what a Zimbabwean vet actually does should contact the Zimbabwean government urgently.


MagnumA Magnum is something cold that you put in your mouth, where it gives you a good feeling. Unless you're a Merkan, in which case this is not recommended. Seriously.


Fish & ChipsServed on their own, British chips are delicious. But when a nice portion of battered cod is added to make a "fish supper", this makes a tasty and nutritious "meal".

CHiPsMerkans - well, some Merkans - also think chips are tasty, but seem to prefer USiNg MIxEd CAsE WHeN WrItiNG ThE wORd dOWn.

There's also something called "French fries", or possibly "Freedom fries", but since the French insist on calling potatoes "Apples of the ground", I think we can safely discount that one.


Laurie said...

I work about two blocks from CHiPs Headquarters. Motorcycles - bah. I prefer my CHiPs on horseback (see my May 10th post).

That Magnum looks as though it's closely related to a Haagen-Dazs.

#Debi said...

Funny, when I saw "Magnum" I immediately thought of "P.I.", which brings a whole new dimension. Or champagne.

Perhaps you can answer a nagging question for me--what is the fascination that Brits have for peas? When I ordered fish and chips in a pub in London, the automatic following question from the bartender was, "Would you like regular peas or mushy peas with that?" Not a fan of peas, I requested "no peas", which earned me that look which means, "Ah. An American."

john.g. said...

Where's the fish'n'chip picture?

I love mushy peas 'parp'.

Mr Farty said...

Laurie - Lucky you. And nice post, couldn't think of anything to add.
Magnums are luverly.

#Debi - Bugger, wish I'd thought of the moustache bloke. Although I think I did a post on Ironside last year.

Mushy peas are (unless anyone can correct me) a purely English phenomenon. I don't understand it either.

John - Feck's sake, it was there last night. <clicky> Try now.

Giggle! said...

LOL!!! Stop making me hungry with all these yummy foods ffs! I'm a pregnant woman godammit!! I have no control! *GiGGLeS* :-P xx

RAT GiRL! said...

Check out My Bloppers ya FLAMIN MUNGRAL!!!

john.g. said...

It's there. I lurv them!

rilly super said...

ah, mr farty, eric estrada, be still my beating heart, sigh. Oh to have swapped places with the saddle of his harley davison...

Mr Farty said...

Giggle - Pepper-flavoured ice-cream? Not so grate akshully.

Rat Girl - Phwoar! I love your bloppers!!!

John - The picture I had before was Harry Ramsden's - best in the world dont'cha know?

Rilly (or is it Hinge & Brackett?) - Glad to see you're still around.

Brom said...

There's a chippie in Anstruther that claims to be the best. I suggest you pop over and sample them when you get a chance.

Interestingly USians understand that "Fish and Chips" on a menu in the States means fish and fries and not fish and Golden Wonder.

#Debi said...

Yes, Brom, ever since Long John Silver's, we get that. However, tell us you're eating a plate of chips, and we don't quite make the connection for some reason...

Jacki said...

Oh how I love the Scottish Fish and Chips. We lived in Edzell and there was this one particular restaurant that sold the BEST fish and chips, wrapped in newspaper and dripping with grease. Now I am hungry.....think you could express mail me some???

john.g. said...

When I worked in the construction industry we glazed the Harry Ramsdens restaurant on Cardiff dock front, and had free meals when we wanted. ACE!

VE said...

Apples of the ground? Those damn French...

Mr Farty said...

Brom/#Debi - Beats me too.

Jacki - That's just how Mrs F likes her fish and chips too.

John - Cool.

VE - Grr! *shakes fist*