New Animal Cruelty Outrage as Sickening Video Reveals Bloodthirsty Mounted Thugs Killing Baby Fox to Death with Devil Dogs

In a not-very-new twist to the woman-puts-cat-in-bin story, morons were furious today to learn that upper-class thugs on horseback had posted videos on the internet some years ago of themselves hunting down and killing foxes before it was outlawed in the UK.

Tally-Ho!

The videos clearly show dozens of "huntsmen", as they like to call themselves, dressed in garish outfits and blowing a variant of deafening vuvuzelas while riding their bloodthirsty steeds over fences and across farmers' crops in pursuit of helpless baby foxes.

Their devil dog beagles then go in for the kill, ripping the victims to pieces in a bloodbath of blood and guts. To see the full video in high definition, visit payperview.morons.com.

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Self-styled animal rights campaigners had already formed several Facebook vigilante groups before learning that the videos were shot before fox hunting was outlawed in England in 2004. "But that's not going to stop us," ranted Frank Mental of Bermondsey in Essex. "We will do whatever we can to bring these monsters to justice!"

One of the huntsmen tracked down by our intrepid reporters, Sir William Fitztightly, explained, "That was all a very long time ago in a different day and age. Everyone was doing it then, so of course we just followed along like sheep. Of course we would never do something as cruel and heartless nowadays. At least not until the fox hunting ban is repealed."

A local farmer then advised us to "Get off my land" before levelling a shotgun at us, so we made our excuses and left.

The Tale of the Missionary and the Black Sheep

A missionary gets sent into deepest, darkest Africa. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read and write, and about the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin, "Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!"

One day the wife of the Village Chief gives birth to a white child.

The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk to the missionary.

"You taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here is a black women who gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!"

The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a rare, but natural occurrence. It's called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See there a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black sheep. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief pauses for a moment and then says, "Tell you what, my friend, you say nothing about the black sheep, and I'll say nothing about the white child!"

A Watched Pot Never Boils - The Mythbusters Test

Did I ever mention I'm an award-winning animator? I am, but this isn't an animation. Sorry.

How Embarrassing Is That?

I forgot my own 3rd blogoversary. *hangs head in shame*

I guess that makes it official - I suck at blogging.

If you want to keep up with me - which I promise won't be hard, cos I am really slow on the uptake - follow me on Twitter.

kthxbai

Internet Driving Test

So Microsoft's chief strategy officer, Craig Mundie, reckons we should only be allowed on the intertubes if we have an internet driving licence.

I believe this is an absolutely brainless brilliant idea. We can use it to stop those pesky kids from getting online to download free music, play their Mafia World, Café Wars, Farmville and crap so that we can get on with the important business of Twittering.

Er...

Anyway, obviously, to obtain such a licence you'll need to pass some kind of test to prove your suitability to surf. Perhaps it would look something like this:

Internet Driving Test - Theory

Which of the following may cause loss of concentration in a long browsing session?

Mark three answers.

• Engaging in a flamewar with trolls


• Playing Farmville


• Putting a cassette tape in the CD drive


• Stopping regularly to reboot


• Two girls, one cup

Anti-spam filters prevent your inbox from overflowing. This means the users are less likely to

Mark one answer.

• See their browser freeze up


• Get their PC infected with a trojan


• Catch a virus


• Get followed by a p0rnbot


• See too much enough p0rn

Before starting an internet session it is wise to plan which sites to visit. How can you do this?

Mark one answer.

• Look at Google Maps


• Switch on your GPS


• Look in an atlas


• Type "p0rn" in the search box and hit "I Feel Lucky"

What percentage of all internet traffic does p0rn account for?

Mark one answer.

• 10%


• 15%


• 20%


• 99%

The fluid level in your coffee cup is low. What should you top it up with?

Mark one answer.

• Warm milk


• Distilled water


• Coffee


• Two girls, one cup

How can you tell if your PC is infected with a virus?

Mark two answers.

• The hard drive make a rumbling noise


• The hard drive make hardly any noise


• The hard drive stops and goes into reverse


• You get a popup offering free anti-virus software


• Your PC starts opening multiple windows with links to p0rn sites

What is the most common cause of crashing?

Mark one answer.

• Spam


• User error


• Other users


• Internet Explorer


• P0rn

An End User Licence Agreement is normally valid for

Mark one answer.

• Three days after the date you accept it


• 10Mb of browsing


• One year after the date you accept it


• 300Gb of browsing


• Surfing p0rn sites

Antivirus packages are fitted to make the

Mark two answers.

• Computer slow down


• Antivirus vendors richer


• Browsers run smoothly


• Viruses install more easily

What is the most likely cause of high disk activity?

Mark one answer.

• Bloatware


• Internet Explorer


• Antivirus software


• BitTorrent


• Trojan viruses


• P0rn

While on live TV, you receive an email from a co-worker with pictures of an Australian p0rn star. You should

Mark one answer.

• Try not to react


• Let them know how you feel


• Smile for the cameras, you're going to be on YouTube!


• Send them flame emails for the rest of your career/the day, whichever is longer


• Stab them in the face over the internet

Whale Meat Again*

So. It looks like there was a wee contretemps in the Southern Ocean today. See how you do in my impromptu quiz.

1. The Japanese warship hit the Adi Gil because:
a) The powerboat was using advanced stealth technology, making it invisible.
b) The Japanese crew were busy looking for whales.
c) The powerboat accelerated directly into the path of the warship.

2. At the time of the collision, the Adi Gil was:
a) Completely stationery, honest.
b) Sailing directly away from the whaling fleet.
c) Steering towards the bow of the Japanese ship. As you do.

3. The conservation group's boat was:
a) Utterly destroyed, killing all aboard her.
b) Sunk without trace, drowning all the crew.
c) Holed, but otherwise still floating.

4. The Japanese are carrying out "scientific" whaling. They are trying to find:
a) Whether the whale population is at a sustainable size for commercial whaling to resume.
b) Any way around IWC rules on catching whales.
c) The tastiest recipe for whalemeat, yum!

* I had a better title, but forgot it. Sorry.

No Representation Without Taxation

So Hillary Clinton thinks it would be absolutely wrong to release Libyan Abdelbaset Ali Mohmed Al Megrahi from prison over his alleged involvement in the Lockerbie bombing.

As a US citizen, Clinton pays no UK taxes. And this is perfectly right and proper, but it cuts both ways. As a non-taxpayer in this country, it would be absolutely wrong for her to dictate how our judicial system should operate.

All the more so since the US government has consistently withheld evidence all the way from the initial investigation to the trial and subsequent appeal.

To summarize: Dear Hillary, Fuck off. Yours, Scotland.

Just my twopence worth.

Airline Price War Escalates

In the latest twist to the price war between rival low-cost airlines, EasyJet has announced that passengers will henceforth be asked to fly the aircraft themselves.

This is seen by many as a response to RyanAir's cost-cutting plans to make passengers carry on their own luggage, on top of paying to use the toilet and sick bags.

Market analyst Paul Madeupname said, "This is a response to RyanAir's cost-cutting plans to make passengers carry on their own luggage, on top of paying to use the toilet and sick bags.

"Airline pilots earn significantly more than baggage handlers, so cutting them out of the equation should save the airline hundreds of pounds."

EasyJet boss Stelios Haji-Ioannou explained, "We've seen in the movies time and time again that when one or both pilots are incapacitated by food poisoning, terrorists or motherfucking snakes, there is always someone on board with no flying experience whatsoever who is able to land the plane safely, albeit with help from a retired alcoholic Air Force pilot drafted in to the control tower and sobered up with strong black coffee. This is simply extending that principle to cover takeoff and cruising, where an autopilot does most of the work anyway.

"Of course this begs the question of who is going to shag the stewardesses, but I'm sure our male passengers will be glad to fill the gap, as it were."

RyanAir is expected to confirm in the next few days that it will retaliate by requesting passengers to bring their own allocation of airplane fuel to the airport with them. And pay to have it checked in.

British Airways has denied suggestions that it plans to remove all the seats from its 2000-strong fleet and pack the passengers in like sardines "until August at the earliest".

Air France is said to be reviewing its own procedures after hitting "teething troubles" with a similar policy to EasyJet's this week, where passengers were offered the chance to "have a go" at the controls for $50 per 20 minutes while the pilots slept off a hangover.

I'm An Asshole

The clue, mes amis, is in the name.

I've got visitors coming and the place is a 'king mess. 'King hell, there's no time, I'll just sweep the worst of it under the carpet and hope they're too polite to mention it.

But first...

When is L smaller than M but bigger than XL? No cheating.

A recent autopsy on King Henry VIII showed that he had brain damage from a jousting fall, plus syphilis. Was he mad? Well, he wisnae very pleased.

Scotchland is on the brink of seceding from the union with Englandland, taking her cue from Texas. All hail 'King Mel!


How can you guarantee re-election without rigging the vote? Apparently you could do worse than dropping dead of a heart attack after rescuing your town from the great muskrat crisis of '08. I love you Merkans. So much blog fodder just sitting there...

My new motto: Any solution that depends on people not being lazy morons will never work. So true...

New government health and safety initiative: Children to be put to death "for their own good". That'll keep the pedos at bay. Except the necrophiliacs, I suppose. Feck, this blog is going to get a lot of hits for all the wrong reasons.

Coming soon: Farty's Fuckit List. Are you on tenterhooks yet?


How about now?

St Jade of Bermondsey

Idea for a Viz-style cartoon strip to be published shortly after the highly publicised death of reality tv sleb Jade Goody Tweed. Or possibly before. Meh.

On arriving in Purgatory, Jade is told by St Peter that they can't decide whether she should be sent to Heaven or Hell. On the one hand, she's a well-known racialist, having insulted Shilpa Shetty on Sleb Big Brother, but on the other, her televised battle for survival has raised wareness [sic] of the need for young women to get themselves screened for cervical cancer.

Eventually St Peter makes up his mind and clips a pair of wings onto Jade's back, telling her that even though she's not from East Angular, he's decided to make her an angel and allow her to sit up with the baby Jesus and that. But he warns her to watch her language or she'll be evicted from Heaven.

Up she flies through the Pearly Gates and lands between St Diana and Mother Theresa. Baby Jesus is there with a halo and beard. Yeah. After sitting playing harps, chatting and such, they feel a bit peckish, so they pick up a menu and phone the Heavenly takeaway. St Diana orders the roast unicorn, Mother Theresa only wants chick pea soup (which arrives with real baby chicks swimming in it) and Jade settles on the Passenger Pigeon and chips.

Just then, Jade spots Mahatma Ghandi fasting in the corner and asks, "Who ordered the Indian?"

At this point, her wings abruptly fall off and she plummets through the clouds and down into Hell. Landing with a splash, she finds herself waist deep in lava, flanked by Saddam Hussein and Margaret Thatcher ¹, whilst demons prod her with burning pitchforks. Glumly, she starts picking at a plate of food before her.

Reader's voice: What are you eating now, Jade?

Jade: Rats' cocks.

¹ Still alive at time of writing, but I can wish, can't I?