Tagged for this about a gazillion years ago; in fact, so long ago I forget who tagged me now, sorry whoever you are.
A Fuckit List is the opposite of a Bucket List: a list of things you don't care about doing before you die instead of things you do want to do.
Write That Novel. Let's face it, I have trouble maintaining my concentration for more than - oh, look, shiny! Um, yeah. So what chance do I have of stringing together enough coherent thoughts to fill a book? And I don't think this really counts.
Scuba Diving off/on/through the Great Barrier Reef. Not that I'm afraid of getting eaten by a Great White Shark or that, it's just that I prefer my fish with tomato sauce, cheese, jalapeno peppers, onions, ground beef, green peppers and garlic dip. Clue: rhymes with banchovies.
Catch up on Google Reader. Like that's ever going to happen, sigh. 325 and climbing.
Climb the Eiffel Tower/Empire State Building/other tall thing. Tall buildings are overrated and planes go far higher anyway. Well, except Air Force One, obv.
Go on the Weakest Link. It's far more fun shouting the answers at the telly and then if you're wrong you only get embarrassed in front of your family, not half the nation.
My loyal readersreader has suggested that in accordance with the rules for two-year-olds, I should throw a tantrum, so here goes...
I took a look at this Technorati thing after hearing that Jenny the Bloggess is in the top 2,500 and it says this blog is right up there in the top five.Million. Sigh.
But apparently by "claiming my blog" I can get access to lots of cool1 Technorati gadgets that'll help me improve my rating. No problem...
<clicky> Register with Technorati.
<clicky> Confirm you're the owner.
<clicky> Claim that blog!
Oh.
It seems that my blog has been "flagged", WTF that means...
<clicky> blah blah Sploggers? blah blah...DOs and DON'Ts blah blah
Do not republish content from other sites without adding your original commentary or reaction.
Hells, I live to add my own commentary or reaction!
Do not tag exessively [sic] ...over-use of tags in your posts...blah blah blah
btw, have you noticed my new tag cloud? Over on the right and down a bit...yep...stop. There. I had to tweak it a bit to show just the tags that occur seven times or more in my blog, otherwise the tag cloud would be bigger than the page. That's not excessive...is it?
Do not publish posts with nonsense text.
*cough*
Do not be overly repetitive.
Which is why I've given up my Friday Chart. That and boredom.
Do not use links that take the reader to completely different content than what is expected.
Would I do that? Oh, you mean the Stab-O-Mizer video tutorial? Sorry 'bout that.
Do not promote ... objectionable content.
What, and lose most of my blogroll and halfone of my readers? Fook off.
But just to add insult to injury, when I went to claim my other blog2 it turns out that that one has a higher rating than this one.
Just a few million higher, admittedly, but still. That stings. Especially since I haven't posted anything there in months.
I'd post something over there right now, but now I'd be worried that I might pull down its blog ranking, sigh.
No, wait. Is 4,978,471 better bigger than 1? Hey, I'm a GREAT blogger! Yay me! Maybe I will do that nude photoshoot after all!
Brrr!
1 But are they as cool as my patented Stab-O-Mizer??? Hells no!
2 You do know I have another blog, right? Well, I say mine. Actually, it has lots of authors. Most of them can even do joined-up writing. I just forget it's there administer it. Wanna join in?
So. Yet another award. (Yes, GiGGLe, I know I still haven't posted up yours. Be patient, and feed that baby FFS!) This one's from TaffetaWelsh Girl and it comes with strings attached. I have to tell you ten honest things about myself and then pass it on to some other bloggers who will be totally delighted to follow suit. *cough*
I worked in a stationery shop (John Menzies) as a "summer" job just after leaving school, to make some money to get the hell out of Scotchland for a sunny summer holiday for a change. If a customer asked whether we had any product x, I'd never bother to check, I'd just tell them to try our competitor round the corner. They must have loved me at Waterstones.
Summer in Embra
I actually quite like Simon Cowell. Louis Walsh? Not so much.
One time at school I heard this really funny joke 1, so I told it to one of my school friends. He said it was a great joke, but he didn't personally find it all that funny since his dad had died of cancer. He should have explained that to me before I told him the joke.
I spent many a happy schoolday afternoon perfecting my artistic skills by repeatedly drawing Snoopy atop his kennel, when I should have been studying Physics. Physics is the only subject where I scored an 'A'. Go figure. Yep. Still crap.
I am so tech-savvy. Mrs F bought me a new mobile phone as a late Xmas present just over a year ago and I like to use it as an FM radio. I found the volume control last Saturday. I wonder if it can get Radio 1?
Despite living in the UK, I visited New York years before ever setting eyes on London. Both times I was just passing through - NYC on my way to Raleigh, NC in 1976 for that long, hot summer holiday and London on my way to Seacon '79 in Brighton. My overriding memory of both cities? Dirty.
I didn't cry at M's funeral (five years ago this week). At first I thought perhaps it was because I was being the strong one for Mrs F, but maybe my brain just doesn't work that way.
You know how there are people who think they're the life and soul of the party, and there are those who really are? I prefer the second type.
Although bad grammar makes me [sic], I still like to misspell some words deliberately. Probly something to do with being a Scotchman from Embra.
I've never literally pissed myself laughing, or rolled on the floor laughing, but this really did make me laugh out loud.
1 An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotchman were fighting in the First World War. Sick of trench life, they were desperate to return home. All three were due for a medical check-up and were waiting outside the medical officer's quarters. The Englishman entered. A few minutes later he came out and shouted, "Yes!, I'm going home, I've got BB". The Scotchman thought for a while and then said, "Don't tell me, Bad Back". The Englishman nodded. Next, the Scotchman entered and returned after a few seconds, screaming, "FF, FF, I've got FF!". The Englishman smiled at him and said, "That must be Flat Feet. You're going home as well ". Then came the Irishman's turn. He reappeared a few minutes later shouting, "Yes, Yes, Yes, I've got TC !, I'm going home". The Scotchman and the Englishman both gave him a puzzled look. "What's TC?", asked the Scotchman. The Irishman replied, "Terminal Cancer, isn't it great?".
Apparently anyone who drinks more than seven cups of coffee a day is three times more likely to have hallucinations, i.e. "seeing things that were not there, hearing voices, and sensing the presence of dead people". I need at least that much just to wake up. And the voices are usually saying, "Why does that guy have to pee in a bucket? Is the men's toilet blocked again?"
Graham Stringer, MP says that dyslexia doesn't exist and is merely a creul fcition invented to cover up pore teeching. He also claims that theirs no Santa, there never was any weapon's of mass destrucshun in Irack and piracy is not responsible for keeping global warming in cheque. Wotevs, Graeme!
Easy rule: Just read through this list of 99 things and highlight everything you have done.
Jacki asked us what things we'd done that she hadn't and I ran out of fingers, so I thought I'd better do my own...
1. Started your own blog - hellooooo? 2. Slept under the stars - in a tent counts, right? 3. Played in a band 4. Visited Hawaii 5. Watched a meteor shower 6. Given more than you can afford to charity 7. Been to Disneyland/world 8. Climbed a mountain 9. Held a praying mantis 10. Sang a solo 11. Bungee jumped - "Slingshot" at Blackpool 12. Visited Paris - N.B. Paris sucks. 13. Watched a lightning storm at seaflown through a lightning storm. 14. Taught yourself an art from scratch 15. Adopted a child - if you count a stepson. 16. Had food poisoning 17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty Scott Monument. 18. Grown your own vegetables - potatoes, yum! 19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France 20. Slept on an overnight train 21. Had a pillow fight - who hasn't? 22. Hitch hiked 23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill 24. Built a snow fort 25. Held a lamb - how about leg of lamb? Yum. 26. Gone skinny dipping 27. Run a Marathon 28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice 29. Seen a total eclipse 30. Watched a sunrise or sunset - both on the same night 31. Hit a home run - wtf is a home run anyway? 32. Been on a cruise - Åndalsnes, Bergen, Copenhagen 33. Seen Niagara Falls in person 34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors - North Berwick 35. Seen an Amish community 36. Taught yourself a new language - html 37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied 38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person 39. Gone rock climbing 40. Seen Michelangelo’s David 41. Sung karaoke 42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt 43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant 44. Visited Africa - sigh 45. Walked on a beach by moonlight 46. Been transported in an ambulance - only with various family members 47. Had your portrait painted 48. Gone deep sea fishing 49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person 50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris 51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling 52. Kissed in the rain 53. Played in the mud 54. Gone to a drive-in theatre 55. Been in a movie 56. Visited the Great Wall of China 57. Started a business 58. Taken a martial arts class - Go is a martial art. Yes it is! 59. Visited Russia 60. Served at a soup kitchen 61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies 62. Gone whale watching 63. Got flowers for no reason 64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma - they wouldn't take my platelets. 65. Gone sky diving 66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp 67. Bounced a check 68. Flown in a helicopter 69. Saved a favourite childhood toy 70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial 71. Eaten caviar 72. Pieced a quilt 73. Stood in Times Square 74. Toured the Everglades 75. Been fired from a job 76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London 77. Broken a bone 78. Been on a speeding motorcycle - 20mph in a 10 zone is speeding, ok? 79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person 80. Published a book 81. Visited the Vatican 82. Bought a brand new car 83. Walked in Jerusalem 84. Had your picture in the newspaper 85. Read the entire Bible 86. Visited the White House 87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating 88. Had chickenpox 89. Saved someone’s life - probably, see 64. 90. Sat on a jury 91. Met someone famous - Christopher Reeve 92. Joined a book club 93. Lost a loved one - see 15. 94. Had a baby - that would be a good trick! 95. Seen the Alamo in person 96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake 97. Been involved in a law suit 98. Owned a cell phone 99. Been stung by a bee hornet.
By my reckoning, thirteen of these can only be achieved in the USA, compared to one each in Africa, China, Russia and the Middle East. Cultural bias, anyone?
Tagged by Helena. I'm supposed to tell you seven random things about me and since everything about me is random, you'd think that shouldn't be hard...
1. I do like getting tagged with memes and that. Just click on the "tags" label down there and you'll see what I mean.
2. But sometimes I forget I've been tagged.
3. For instance, I got an award off GiGGLe months ago and still haven't put it up or nominated anyone else. My bad. Farty, put up that award FFS!!
4. You see, if I do this meme straight away (Oct 21st), I just tend to copy the person who tagged me, because that's what's freshest in my memory. See 100 Things About Me for a good example. I totally ripped off Blissfully Decaffeinated. Still feeling guilty about that...
5. But if I leave a meme for too long, it just sneaks off and hides under the bed.
6. This isn't going too well, is it?
7. Bugger.
8. I like discovering new bloggers, it's a pain in the arse trying to keep up with them all but the really really good ones make it so worthwhile.
9. And if I don't always leave a comment, well, my excuse is that I read your blogs on my moby and it won't let me leave comments on most blogs. Stoopid moby! Then when I get home I forget. [Yeah, they'll swallow that.]
10. I'm rubbish at sums and anybody from my Applied Maths and Statistics class at uni who says otherwise is a liar (confidence level 95%).
It has come to my attention that some of my hordesdozens my other fan is having problems with long load times when stalking reading this blog. Being a total blog-whore Ever keen to please my readers, I feel I'm going to lose some both of you if I don't do something about it.
But first I need to determine the scope of the problem. If it's just one reader, screw them, they should get broadband perhaps they can disable images or something. There's nothing pornographic interesting to see here after all.
So what's it like for you? I realise if you're reading this, you've already loaded this page and not clicked away out of boredom, but meh - I gotta seem to make an effort.
Should I use smaller images? How about if I put my blogroll on a separate page, or take the graphics out of it altogether? Lose the wallpaper? Reduce the number of blog entries per page?
Misssy has had this brilliant, totally original idea, not in any way like BlogDay, which I knew was coming up but then forgot to do anything about, sigh. Seems I can't avoid it this time.
The Rules of Kick Your Blogroll Up the Arse
(Hint: This is the cut out bit for you to post)
What you do is you go to four of your favourite blogs and pick a blog from their blogroll that you’ve never visited or commented on. You then add them to your blogroll or feed, read them for at least a month (by which time there should be no turning back) and give them a chance to invade your life.
Then you duplicate the main part of this post with a note on whose blog you got it from. Stick the four new blogs you are going to read up , tell us briefly why you chose them and whose blogroll they came from. And if you want, coerce others mercilessly into joining in. Then start reading.
I have chosen these:
From I Am Bossy's blogroll, Miss Britt because she leaves witty comments. And she has a radio show with Avitable. I would have cheated and just said Avitable, but I've been dipping my toe in there for over a year.
And finally, from Anna's Little Red Boat, Katy Newton at Everything Is Electic. Again. I admit I did read her original blog. Exactly once. Then she deleted it. Wonder if it was something I said? FSM, I hope not!
Like Misssy, I am passing the meme onto ALL readers of this blog, all commenters, everyone in my current blogroll and even those pesky lurkers in the skirting boards. But I officially want to pass it onto everyone whose blog is linked in this post.
Oh and if you do decide to take on the challenge, let me know so that I can toddle on over and have a peek.
Picked this up from Mike, who got it from Betty. Gah! I haven't read Betty's blog in ages. But it started here at Kid Shirt. Pretty simple, just post your 10 favourite 10cc songs in your blog and tell Kid about it. Even if you've never heard of 10cc! There doesn't even have to be ten songs in it. This guy is a genius. Or deranged.
Feck. I don't have a single solitary 10cc record, my youngest brother was the 10cc fan and took all his singles and albums with him when he moved out. Oh well, from memory then...
1. I'm Not In Love. My music teacher, Gigantor, was pretty liberal-minded and let us bring our own records in to play in class. I suppose it broadened our tastes and kept us interested. And we got to play this one full blast in the main hall while we were building the set and rehearsing for the school play. Along with Space Oddity.
2. I'm Mandy, Fly Me. 1976, first time I ever flew (Raleigh, NC). If this doesn't cure your fear of flying, nothing will.
3. Art For Art's Sake. You can't just say, "Today we will produce a work of art." You have to let the muse take you when it will. Sometimes it doesn't.
4. One Night In Paris. This track appeared long before Ms Hilton was even born. Still a favourite despite its current connotations.
5. Life Is A Minestrone. Minestrone, Crêpe Suzette, Lasagne, Cheese, what's not to love?
6. The Things We Do For Love. Innocent times, eh?
7. Don't Hang Up. Ok, I'd forgotten about this one until it came up in the YouTube listing. Don't Hang Up - final song by the original quartet, it says here.
8. Five O'Clock In The Morning. Still remember the first time I ever heard this, on the radio, no memory-jogging needed for that.
9. Donna. They don't make them like that any more. Sigh.
10. Dreadlock Holiday. I don't like Reggae. But this song became the exception.
Your turn, if you can be arsed. You've got about a week starting now.
1. The rules of the game get posted on the beginning. 2. Each player answers the rules about him or herself. 3. At the end of the post, the player tags five people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they’ve been tagged and asking them to read his [or her] blog.
What I was doing ten years ago:
Ten years? I can't remember what I was doing ten minutes ago.
Oh, I remember now. This very May Bank Holiday weekend. I'd been begging the boss for years to let me go to a major user conference, but because it was overseas I'd always been knocked back in the past. But this time, because it was subsidised up to the hilt by a large software vendor and included two days' free training courses, I'd managed to wheedle a place. Booked the overseas flights and the hotel in New Orleans. Sorted.
Then, two weeks before I was due to leave, the boss turned around and said that because some other greedy sod had blown the entire annual departmental budget on contractors (this was April FFS), our supposedly ring-fenced training budget had been cut back and I couldn't go. So I spent my time updating my CV and sent it to three agencies on the Friday.
I remember Monday was a holiday because it wasn't until Tuesday that I received the first invitation to a job interview. I actually turned that first one down, but my self-confidence went into overdrive. Long story short, next year saw me in NO. Same company, different boss, better pay.
Five things on my To-Do list today:
Fit a new shower pull-cord.
Pay off and close VISA account.
Come up with a witty music-related diagram.
Figure out Google reader.
Chat to step-daughter in New Zealand on webcam.
Things I would do if I were a billionaire: I'll let you know when it happens.
Three of my bad habits: Just three?
Picking my nose in public. At least I don't eat it nowadays. I save it up for later.
Procrastinating.
I'll finish this section later.
Five places I’ve lived:
The house I was born in, less than a mile from where I'm sitting.
The place we moved to when I was sixteen, half a mile in the opposite direction.
The flat I shared with soon-to-be Mrs Farty for a couple of months, in Embra city centre, until we bought...
Here.
Sorry.
Five jobs I’ve had: I did four of these in a previous tag. 5. Does being a student count as a job?
Five books I’ve recently read:
Thud! - Terry Pratchett. Must catch up.
So Me - Graham Norton. A good read.
Eats, Shoots and Leaves - Lynne Truss.
The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster - Bobby Henderson.
Saw this one in Jami's blog. Feel free to pick it up.
4 jobs I have had: Dishwasher in a Chinese restaurant in North Berwick (will wash dishes for Chinese food); Retail clerk in a stationary store (that job went nowhere); Computer Operator (with tapes whizzing around and boxes of punched cards and that - really); Automation Analyst (well, they call it a job: don't tell them I'd happily do it for free).
4 TV shows I actually watch: The Weakest Link (aka Don't Watch Alone: Mrs Farty and I love to mock the halfwits, esp. when we get the right answers; and we keep schtum when we get them wrong too); Torchwood (Captain Jack is hawt); Doctor Who (Captain Jack is hawt); Flight of the Conchords (those crazy Kiwis!).
4 places I have been: Åndalsnes in Norway (before I even went to England); New Orleans (pre-Flood: such a beautiful place); Paris, France (smelly; and French: avoid); Cape Town (sorry, just drifted off...I'd love to go back).
4 foods I like: Chocolate (bet you didn't expect that!); Sweet-and-sour chicken (see above); Mrs Farty's sausage casserole (nuff said); Mr Farty's World-Famous Banoffee Pie. (who knew?)
Jings, has it been a year already? I suppose I'd better come up with some witty and erudite blogoversary post...hmmm...here's one. Can I remember, without going back to check, who my first ten commenters were? No. (OK - How many did you get? That's not the comp. Read on.)
Pierre L - Because he was the first. Didn't seem to have his own blog at the time. Still doesn't, apparently, but still seen lurking in the blogosphere this week. I have my ways.
Pat - The first blogger to comment here. Also John G's second mum. I still dip in from time to time, but that comment moderation thing is a regular PITA. Grr!
Monkey Mother - Another non-blogger, although I'd love to read her musings. Best known for her non-working daughter...
Er...
That's it. I drew a blank after that.
I was quite surprised to be reminded who the other seven were:
Anxious - An anonymous blogger; I had just figured out after about a year's detective work where she lived, when she pulled up sticks and moved. Boo! Now I'll have to start all over...oh. That was easy. Anxious is still recovering from Total Kidney Failure. The drug therapy sounds familiar.
Zoe whose boyfriend is a twat - Her blog took its one millionth hit the same day that I started blogging. Popular or what? Hmmm, I see that The Twat is blog-sitting for her as I write - and we all know what that means! (Sheds, in case you didn't.)
John Greenwood - Crivvens, I knew I'd been reading his blog for a while, but had forgotten that he'd been reading mine since day one! That reminds me, today is Joke Tuesday - <clicky> - chortle!
Cat - A Scotch blogger from even further north than Embra. Also a big fan of Morrissey, just like me:
Kissme - I used to read her blog a lot before I started my own. Oops, haven't visited in months...then again, she doesn't post all that often nowadays. That's still no excuse, my bad.
- Bossy?Bossy Who? Name rings a bell...Canadian, apparently. Has a small horse called Stella. And a big heart. Still, that's what Inderal is for.
Cheerful One - My favourite little red-headed schoolteacher. No horse, but - get this - the number one Google search result for 'ukulele knitting' (unless you count eBay). I've always wanted a knitted uke.
I see I'm no. 1 for 'farty banoffee', but that doesn't really count, cos Farty is my blogger name. And Non-Working Monkey is no. 6 even though she hates banoffee pie.
Thinks...here's the competition idea.
'banoffee fuckers' - Yayyy, I'm top out of 227!!! Not that I would ever fuck a pie, banoffee or otherwise. That would just be wrong. What a waste of pie.
Your challenge: Pick exactly two words, not in your name or your blog's name, that score you as no. 1 hit in Google. Out of how many? The more the better. I shall award a prize to the best, or the funniest. Or both. Competition closes on Feb 10th, for reasons.
...I think of Agar-Agar jelly. However, I've been tagged by Misssy Martin to come up with answers to these three questions, so here goes.
What am I reading at the moment?
Thus Spake Zarathustra by the German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche. Although written in the late nineteenth century, this work had a major impact on twentieth-century thinking and even today inpires numerous books, movies and television documentaries.
Nietzsche posits that God is dead, and that mankind must learn to reach within itself to find the strength of spirit formerly provided by the crutch of religion. Only by pitting his own indomitable will against the weaknesses of the flesh can man strive to transform himself into the Übermensch or Superman.
Adolf Hitler misinterpreted this to mean that mankind would eventually be replaced, through an evolutionary process, by homo superior, the Master Race, and consequently he set in motion a program to breed such a race of Aryans, whilst simultaneously attempting to eradicate the "racially inferior" Jews in Nazi Germany's notorious concentration camps.
Meanwhile, across the Atlantic, the Merkans took a slightly different tack.
"No, Kal-el, I am your father."
What am I listening to at the moment?
Put Yourself In My Place by the late-twentieth century artist Kylie Minogue. According to the blurb, the video for this song "recreates the opening sequence of the classic Jane Fonda movie, 'Barbarella'". Mm-hm. Whatever.
What am I watching at the moment?
Well, I was planning to watch the new series of Primeval, about a team of dinosaur hunters, but Mr and Mrs Dishwater rather outstayed their welcome yesterday and I forgot all about it.
I'll be sure to record the rest of the series, so that I can play it back at my leisure. When Mrs Farty is out. With the sound muted. And a box of tissues. Say what you like about Hannah Spearritt, at least she has the professional integrity to keep her kit on unless it's absolutely essential to the ratings.
So I like SF and women. You already knew that from my profile. Meh.
I was feeling really down and depressed after my one and only experience of LSD. Bad bad bad trip. Even the waccy baccy gave me flashbacks, so I had to quit that too. Anyway, just when I thought I couldn't get any lower, I remembered this scene in Young Frankenstein, where the good doctor (Gene Wilder) and his faithful assistant Igor (Marty Feldman) (who wore no makeup in this film) are hard at work. Dr F. laments the terrible predicament they find themselves in - knee deep in dirt, in a cemetery, at midnight, digging up a fresh corpse in order to reanimate it. "It could be worse," chirps the ever-cheerful Igor. "HOW??!!" "It could be raining." At which point there is a flash of lightning, a crash of thunder and the heavens open.
It brought me out of the doldrums then, and still makes me smile now.
I've just had this brilliant and totally original idea. And anyone who says otherwise can sue me.
Keep it short. Or at least interesting. Nobody wants to hear about your 1,000 favourite cheeses, trust me on this.
Never blog while pissed. Or pissed off. There's this "save as draft" option, I never remember to use it till it's too late.
Oh, but never, ever delete a post. That is so annoying.
Keep it funny. This is my advice to you. I am naturally funny, but you should work on it. Except, well, you know who you are.
Don't take yourself too seriously.
Comments are indeed bliss. Sometimes they're better than the original post (don't even think about it, John).
A picture paints a thousand words. Choose them carefully.
Don't worry that you've got "nothing to write about". That's what memes are for. I mean this in a good way.
Don't take everything personally. Bollocks. It's your blog. Web-log. Online journal. Diary. How much more personal can it get, FFS? If you're posting comments in someone else's blog, remember what goes around, comes around. So be nice.
Window dressing. It's up to you. Tired Dad is just as funny as BOSSY; they just look different. It's content that matters.
This meme came from Misssy over at The Misssy M Misssives. Looks like a lot more than five to me, but I never was too good at sums and that, so here goes...
What were you doing ten years ago?
1997 was the first time, except for a very brief trip to Glenshee, that I went skiing on proper snow. There was a works outing to Andorra, so I took Little Miss Farty along for the ride. It's the first - and last - time I skiied on a black run. I know it was 1997, cos I saw observed comet Hale-Bopp at its closest approach from the top of the Pyrenees. With binoculars wot my bruvva had gave me.
I met the girl who broke my heart for the very.last.time. She was up in Scotchland to pick up a fridge, as you do, and stopped off in Embra for a visit. We just sat and chatted, in a bar, for an hour, about nothing in particular, but by the time she left, the empty place inside of me, which had been aching for ever so long, had been healed. Which was nice.
I discovered the Slippery Nipple, which despite what it says in the Urban Dictionary is Baileys and Sambuca, in the same glass but not mixed.
I learned something about flash photography. Take a glass of Sambuca, set light to it, then dip your middle finger in the glass and hold your flaming finger up while someone photographs it. Try it, that's all I'm saying.
And didn't Princess What's-her-face decide to drop out of public view that year? Mrs Farty and I left flowers at the Scotch Monument, since everybody else was doing it. And had a wee greet. Shut up.
What were you doing one year ago?
Working my butt off on a certain merger. 12-hour shifts, sometimes 7 days a week, hence not much else.
I got sick with that winter vomiting bug, probly related to the above, and took a week off work. I would have been climbing the walls with boredom, except that...
I found that my new works laptop had full internet access.
So I spent my time off work reading Non-Working Monkey's blog from Day One to present day. Is that what they call cyber-stalking?
But back in January, I spent the New Year drinking Amarula beside the braai while the kids splashed in the outdoor swimming pool. Guess where? Not Embra, oddly enough.
Five Songs you know the lyrics to:
Oh, now that's hard, I just like to hum along...
American Pie by Don McLean. My sister-in-law brought the album (vinyl!!!) back from the USA for me in, feck, a while ago. 1974?
Leaving On A Jet Plane by Peter, Paul and Mary. Long before I ever heard of John Denver.
Even In The Quietest Moments by Supertramp. (You might want to fast-forward the first couple of minutes.) A good friend of mine was in a band that played a superb instrumental version of this, but they had trouble memorising the lyrics. So I bought it, learned it and, er, oh yes, I forgot that I can't sing. Bummer.
Mr Blue Sky by ELO. Trivia note - the girl with the magic smile in this video is the late, great Rosie Vela.
Hollaback Girl by Gwen Stefani. What? A bloke can't be hep with the modern groove? Man.
Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
Reading Science Fiction. The Good Stuff, like this.
Take nice photographs. Not many people know this, but I now have a Flikr(sp?) account. I promise I'll put some more pix up real soon now.
Make banoffee pie. Gosh, I haven't done that since, erm, Sunday.
Five things you will never wear again:
My cowboy boots. I bought them on my first trip to Merka. Oh yeah, I visit Merka all the time. Four times in fifty years, if you count that weekend in June. Anyway, they were too tight on my poor toes even then. But I do still sometimes wear the cowboy hat (when I think nobody's looking). Gen. You. Wine. Leather.
Old Spice. wtf was I thinking?
Ribbons in my hair. *sob*
A bungee harness. It's like this. One year, Mrs Farty and I went to Blackpool with her siblings, spouses (spice?) and that. We went on nearly every ride. We nearly went on the dodgems (bumper cars); we nearly went on the water slide; we nearly went on the roller-coaster; we never actually went on anything. Everyone was like, "oh, yes, I'll go on if you do". Yeah, right. So the next time we went, I decided to have a go anyway. Not one of those scaredy-cats would go on with me, so it was just me. I went on the Slingshot ride. Gosh, it was such fun! I had to go on the Pepsi Max Rollercoaster just to calm my nerves afterwards.
Any kind of leather jacket. No reason, I just don't like them very much.
Five favourite toys:
My wee moby.
My hand blender. See banoffee pie. Whipped cream in 30 seconds flat.
Wumpy, my toy rabbit from when I was, like, wee. Long since disintegrated, but I still remember when he had two eyes. And one ear. And a tail.
This traditional, fruity cheese has lots of holes where people have poked it with their fingers to see if it's ready yet. At least I hope it's their fingers. Do you like my burnt-edge effect? No expense spent at Farty's.
Cheddar
Surprisingly adaptable, this cheese is frequently pumped full of chemicals to make it turn bright orange.
Or indeed any other colour you fancy.
Wensleydale
A bit crumbly, this one, but its slightly bitter taste makes a good contrast on hot, buttered toast.
Gruyere
Two words: Foreign muck.
Ok, what's the most boring thing you've ever been tagged with? (Apart from this one, John.)
Now where's my eye-patch? No, wait. Is that for pirates? Meh. Just click of the damned picture already. Arrr!
Venn That Tune
The perfect stocking filler. Or, you know, whenever. Birthday, Valentine's Day. Ok, maybe not Valentine's Day. Unless your beloved is a geek like you. Then it would be pretty cool, I guess.
No good can come of an emptied out finger - Lesley
My God I need a Stab-O-Mizer. Also, I need to remember to use the word "fucktard" more often - Blissfully Caffeinated
Farty, the Queen Mother of the Blogosphere - Daphne Wayne-Bough
Ha! That's hyster...waitafuckingminute - Jenny, the Bloggess
How did you get that photo of me dressed up as a pirate? - Honey
I hereby nominate you for the Nobel Prize in Explaining Stuff to the InterWeb - Memarie
I think my brain just farted! - GiGGLe
Mr Farty, you are totally filthy. It is great - Miss Tickle
Better than "The New Scientist" - Brom
Mines' a beat up old thing full of crap - John Greenwood
I'm always watching - Misssy M
You are a brilliant and weird man - Lady MacLeod
Are you in fact Stephen Fry? - Rilly Super
I fart in your general direction - Minx
Shit - you made me blow Wodka out of my nose - Spanish Goth
Bossy can see you're a real Kitchen Prize - BOSSY
Love your blog, especially the tartan borders - Babzy
And I though I was the drama queen - Drama Queen
We are distressed to see that you were less than positively impacted by your visit to our country. Unfortunately, we just can't do anything about Utah at this time - Sewmouse
Wot? No Billy Piper? - Lettuce
50 flavours of fudge get my vote - Cat
I would have said Hugh Grant was more of a twat than a fanny - Kissme
I Am Bossy
Buy it! Now!
