Farty's Fortunes

Sunday, 28 February 2010

How Embarrassing Is That?

I forgot my own 3rd blogoversary. *hangs head in shame*

I guess that makes it official - I suck at blogging.

If you want to keep up with me - which I promise won't be hard, cos I am really slow on the uptake - follow me on Twitter.


Tuesday, 23 February 2010

If you're not into baby photos just move along. kthxbai

Some pictures from Princess Farty's Christening on Sunday in Edinburgh's Canongate Kirk. Where the Queen goes for her churchery when she's in toon, ye ken. Tres posh.

Gran & Grandad
Proud parents
A wee hug from a cousin

Just saw the sun on this clock and took a photo. The light is over the door of the pub where we celebrated afterwards.

Royal Mile

Friday, 12 February 2010

Scientists Hate Cats

It's true and I can prove it.

  • Schrödinger's Cat
  • Erwin Schrödinger devised an experiment to explain how Quantum Uncertainty works. In essence, you put a cat in a box with some radioactive Caesium, a Geiger counter, a hammer and a vial of Prussic acid. After a suitable length of time has passed, there's a 50% chance that the Caesium has fissioned and the Gieger counter has detected it, causing the hammer to strike the vial, releasing the Prussic acid and killing the cat. But the only way to tell whether this has indeed happened, whether the cat is dead or alive, is to open the box, risking getting a faceful of claw. And serves you right.
  • Einstein's Cat
  • Albert Einstein described how radio works by grabbing a cat and stretching it from New York to Los Angeles, then pulling its tail. No, wait, that's telegraph. In radio, you take away the cat. But what did he do with the cat?
  • The Bloggess's Buttered Cat
  • Jenny the Bloggess took a cat and strapped a slice of buttered toast to its back, butter side up. Then she threw it off the roof to see whether she had invented perpetual motion. Surprisingly, the cat landed on its side. But thats' why we do science, because sometimes the results aren't what we expected.

Anyway, scientists - proper scientists - always use cats in their experiments and the reason for this is that scientists hate cats. Probably because cats keep destroying their laboratories with their laser eyes.
Pew! Pew!


Friday, 5 February 2010

Internet Driving Test

So Microsoft's chief strategy officer, Craig Mundie, reckons we should only be allowed on the intertubes if we have an internet driving licence.

I believe this is an absolutely brainless brilliant idea. We can use it to stop those pesky kids from getting online to download free music, play their Mafia World, Café Wars, Farmville and crap so that we can get on with the important business of Twittering.


Anyway, obviously, to obtain such a licence you'll need to pass some kind of test to prove your suitability to surf. Perhaps it would look something like this:

Internet Driving Test - Theory

Which of the following may cause loss of concentration in a long browsing session?

Mark three answers.

  • Engaging in a flamewar with trolls

  • Playing Farmville

  • Putting a cassette tape in the CD drive

  • Stopping regularly to reboot

  • Two girls, one cup

Anti-spam filters prevent your inbox from overflowing. This means the users are less likely to

Mark one answer.

  • See their browser freeze up

  • Get their PC infected with a trojan

  • Catch a virus

  • Get followed by a p0rnbot

  • See too much enough p0rn

Before starting an internet session it is wise to plan which sites to visit. How can you do this?

Mark one answer.

  • Look at Google Maps

  • Switch on your GPS

  • Look in an atlas

  • Type "p0rn" in the search box and hit "I Feel Lucky"

What percentage of all internet traffic does p0rn account for?

Mark one answer.

  • 10%

  • 15%

  • 20%

  • 99%

The fluid level in your coffee cup is low. What should you top it up with?

Mark one answer.

  • Warm milk

  • Distilled water

  • Coffee

  • Two girls, one cup

How can you tell if your PC is infected with a virus?

Mark two answers.

  • The hard drive make a rumbling noise

  • The hard drive make hardly any noise

  • The hard drive stops and goes into reverse

  • You get a popup offering free anti-virus software

  • Your PC starts opening multiple windows with links to p0rn sites

What is the most common cause of crashing?

Mark one answer.

  • Spam

  • User error

  • Other users

  • Internet Explorer

  • P0rn

An End User Licence Agreement is normally valid for

Mark one answer.

  • Three days after the date you accept it

  • 10Mb of browsing

  • One year after the date you accept it

  • 300Gb of browsing

  • Surfing p0rn sites

Antivirus packages are fitted to make the

Mark two answers.

  • Computer slow down

  • Antivirus vendors richer

  • Browsers run smoothly

  • Viruses install more easily

What is the most likely cause of high disk activity?

Mark one answer.

  • Bloatware

  • Internet Explorer

  • Antivirus software

  • BitTorrent

  • Trojan viruses

  • P0rn

While on live TV, you receive an email from a co-worker with pictures of an Australian p0rn star. You should

Mark one answer.

  • Try not to react

  • Let them know how you feel

  • Smile for the cameras, you're going to be on YouTube!

  • Send them flame emails for the rest of your career/the day, whichever is longer

  • Stab them in the face over the internet

Wednesday, 3 February 2010