Farty's Fortunes

Sunday, 30 November 2008

A Brief History Of Scotchland - Part 6

Today is St Andrew's Day, but how much do we really know about the man himself? Quite a lot, as it turns out.

Saint Andrew, patron saint of Scotchland, was one of the busier saints. In between sainting and that, he single-handedly built the Scotch town of St Andrews in the kingdom of Fife.

St Andrews
St Andrews

A keen amateur chemist, he invented Andrews Liver Salts, a popular remedy for a hangover in the days before Irn Bru.


When he heard that St Patrick had outdone him by driving all the snakes out of Oireland, this made St Andrew cross.

St Andrew Cross
Scotch flag

So he went to Elgin, thirty miles from Inverness, for a game of marbles to help him relax.

Elgin Marbles
Elgin Marbles

But he decided that marbles were too small to play with, so he invented golf - well, we all make mistakes. And it was while out practising his swing that he accidentally sliced his shot (whatever that means, I wouldn't know, golf is a stupid game) and killed a haggis.

Wild Haggis

"Waste not, want not," thought the resourceful saint, so he peeled, cooked and ate the tasty little creature. Which is why we Scotch celebrate St Andrew's Day by eating haggis, QED. Om nom nom nom!

Not So Wild Haggis
Cooked haggis

Friday, 28 November 2008

Farty's Friday Chart

Yes, yes, I know it's late. I forgot I've been extremely busy lately.

Anyway, with St Andrew's Day just around the corner, this one seems appropriate.

Lofty Peak

Also, check out this educational video on How It's Made.

If ye'r no' fae roond heer, ye'll probly no' get it. The noo.

Caun ye name thon choon?

Thursday, 27 November 2008

And I Thought I Was The Only Freak Around Here

So I'm browsing the intertubes reading about these attacks in Bombay Mumbai and I ask in all innocence, "How would you deal with an Indian uprising?"

"Form the wagons into a circle," answers coworker D without even looking up.

I've never felt so much at home.


Wednesday, 26 November 2008

IT Security

Hello IT Support have you tried turning it off and on again?

Hi, it's me.

Hello me.

Can you tell me your password?

Let me think about thatno.

But I can't get onto the internets from my own account!

The account your bf used to infect my PC with a virus last month?

Er, yes. Sorry about that.

So you want me to give you my password to my account so you can infect my PC with another virus?

Yes ple- I mean, I really need to get onto the internets!

No you don't. Bye.

Smiple really.

Monday, 24 November 2008

Just A Quicky

Don't tell a soul, ok? But L***** M*** F**** is with c****.

Yep. That's totally secret.


Computer Terms Illustrated Xmas Special

I thought I'd have trouble coming up with an Xmas-themed one of these...until I started taking notes.

Relative Addressing
Relative Addressing

Short Message Service




External Storage
External Storage



Did I mention my Xmas competition is still open? It won't be for long, I need to get those prizes mailed out in time for Xmas. Well, New Year, come to think of it.

Sunday, 23 November 2008

Moving Pictures

So last night I was banished from Farty Towers for the evening, as Mrs F had a medium coming over to fleece her and her girlfriends hold a séance. Not the world's best psychic, I must point out, as she was due to bring her weegie board last weekend but had to cancel at the last minute due to unforeseen circumstances. Way to go, Derek Acorah! I think the reason I was expelled had something to due with malign influences aka uncontrollable laughter, which can understandably be a bit of a distraction when you're trying to summon the devil. Or whatever.

So I went to the cinema. The first one I visited had naff all on that I even remotely wanted to see, so I stormed out in a huff and went to the Odeon. While I was in the lobby deciding what to watch, my attention was caught by a poster for the upcoming Keanu Reeves remake of The Day The Earth Stood Still. I won't spoil it for you, in case you haven't seen the original 500 times already, but I'm pretty sure the Earth doesn't literally stand still, cos that would make everything fly off into space which would be expensive to shoot. And a bit sad.

Anyway, with both John Cleese and Kathy Bates in the cast, this film can't help but be totally awesome. Or crud, I can't decide. It depends which of them plays Gort the giant killer robot. I suppose Bates is a bit on the chubby side for the part, but then I saw Cleese in a wheelchair last week at Prince Jugears' birthday bash, so that kind of rules him out too. Although he may have been hamming it up. Hmmm.

I hope it is Cleese; I'd love to see him do his silly giant killer robot walk while shooting laser beams out of his eyes because that would, I think you'll agree, be totally awesome 1.

Then I watched Avi And Britt Make A Porno, which was kind of weird, but very, very funny. Go see it.

Avi & Britt Make A Porno

1 Sorry for overusing the word "awesome" in this post, but if you'd ever had kittens pee in your suitcase, you'd understand 2.

2 And if you still don't understand, you need to get out more.

Friday, 21 November 2008

Man Crush

Funny how you can see a new word or phrase and instantly know what it means, innit?

By the time whoever it was on telly had finished explaining it for the lumpen masses, I had my list written out and annotated. So here goes:

  • John BarrowmanJohn Barrowman Captain Jack off Dr Who and Torchwood, arrr!

  • Captain Jack SparrowJohnny Depp Maybe I've got a thing about characters called Captain Jack?

  • Bloomin 'eckOrlando Bloom Or pirates? He can rescue me any day, sigh.

  • Dancing BearBruno Tortellini(sp?) Off Strickly Come Dancing With The Stars, he's a sexy, sexy man! Ciao! Pronto! Pizza Margarita!

  • But if anybody could turn me off women for life, it has to be...
  • PalinSarah Palin Seriously, dude.

Farty's Friday Chart

Bloody hell, 10pm on Thursday night and I still haven't come up with a thingy. How come I'm busier when I'm on holiday than when I'm at work?

*scratches head*

I ♥ it when the magic music box is on random. This just started playing.

3D Graph

What do I want to hear?

Thursday, 20 November 2008

Computer Terms Illustrated #12


Outlook Express
Outlook Express



Screen Scraper
Screen Scraper

Dr Watson
Dr Watson

Slide Show
Slide Show

Cookies 1



Technical Support
Technical Support

Drag and Drop

1 Yes, I know these are Sweary Fairy Cakes, not cookies, but aren't they brilliant?

Wednesday, 19 November 2008

Dream Time

I really should post my own shit before wandering off to read everyone else's blogs. No wonder I never get anything done around here. Be that as it may, I read something about a dream somewhere yesterday and since I myself had a dream that I actually remembered this week, I'll ignore Jenny's advice and share it with you, gentle reader.

So, I was out walking with grandson #2, which, come to think of it, I haven't done since he was in his buggy and he's twelve now, so I should have been on my guard right away, when something caught my attention and I looked up...and up...and up. And there, towering above me, a huge column of thick, black smoke was rising from somewhere not far ahead, spreading out as it rose until it filled half the sky with roiling, churning darkness. I would normally include a photo at this point but wouldn't you know it, I didn't have my camera with me and did I mention that this was a dream?

Anyway. Obviously there was a fire burning at the base of this pillar of smoke, and it must have been growing hotter and hotter all this time because finally it became so intense that it ignited the entire cloud, bright red and yellow flames racing upward at a phenomenal rate as a wave of heat blasted me in the face and chest. Crowds of frightened passers-by fled past me as they tried to escape the growing number of fires - did I mention that there were three or four by now? Well there were, trust me on this, I was there. But I had to press ahead towards the fires, into the blistering heat, to find my errant grandson. Presumably he had gone on ahead while I was blogging about all these fires, the little tyke.

Just then, thankfully, he appeared up ahead, running around the corner towards me. Well I rushed up and grabbed his hand and we raced for safety. Unfortunately the alarm clock chose that exact moment to go off, so I totally missed out on the burning skombie cats, dammit.

PS. Does anyone know how to transfer dream photos onto a blog because that would be all kinds of awesome?

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Ninety-Nine Things

So. I saw this meme thing on Jacki's blog Moving At The Speed Of Life.

Easy rule: Just read through this list of 99 things and highlight everything you have done.

Jacki asked us what things we'd done that she hadn't and I ran out of fingers, so I thought I'd better do my own...

1. Started your own blog - hellooooo?
2. Slept under the stars - in a tent counts, right?
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped - "Slingshot" at Blackpool
12. Visited Paris - N.B. Paris sucks.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea flown through a lightning storm.
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child - if you count a stepson.
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty Scott Monument.
18. Grown your own vegetables - potatoes, yum!
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight - who hasn't?
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb - how about leg of lamb? Yum.
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset - both on the same night
31. Hit a home run - wtf is a home run anyway?
32. Been on a cruise - Åndalsnes, Bergen, Copenhagen
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors - North Berwick
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language - html
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa - sigh
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance - only with various family members
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theatre
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class - Go is a martial art. Yes it is!
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma - they wouldn't take my platelets.
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favourite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle - 20mph in a 10 zone is speeding, ok?
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life - probably, see 64.
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous - Christopher Reeve
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one - see 15.
94. Had a baby - that would be a good trick!
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee hornet.

By my reckoning, thirteen of these can only be achieved in the USA, compared to one each in Africa, China, Russia and the Middle East. Cultural bias, anyone?

Saturday, 15 November 2008

Dumb Question

Someone asked me today, "Have you always had a beard?"

"Oh, yes," I replied, "at least I think so. You'd really have to ask my mum."

Baldy Beardy

So what's the dumbest question you've (been) asked?

Friday, 14 November 2008

Farty's Friday Chart


A bit rushed, I know. Can you name that tune?

Thursday, 13 November 2008

Ig Nobel Contender

Cutting-edge research from the Royal Society of Chemistry, where boffins have finally discovered the formula for the perfect Yorkshire Pudding. Thank fook they're not wasting taxpayers' money on something frivolous like chocolate-flavoured semen.

Did I mention the time Aunty B set fire to the oven trying to show off her, er, cooking skills by demonstrating her own Yorkshire Pudding recipe? Bwahahaha!

Me, I just turn the oven to gas 7, open the packet, pop them on a tray and cook for 20 mins. Sorted.

Wednesday, 12 November 2008

Computer Terms Illustrated #11

Yes, really, these are all proper computer words. And yes, there are a hell heck of a lot of them. Can you think of any more?


Pretty Good Privacy

Second Life
Second Life






Card Reader
Card Reader

Wizard Creator
Wizard Creator



Monday, 10 November 2008

Autumn Break

Off to the borders for a weekend break. While Mrs F went into town with her sister for some retail therapy, I grabbed my camera and went for a nice refreshing walk to get some of that country air into my lungs and anyone who says that I'm a sad git walking for two fecking miles just to find somewhere in this network-forsaken hell-hole with a strong enough signal to check my site stats on the moby is a liar.


Delightfully isolated rustic hideaway. Right.

Anyway, it was a pleasant change to escape from the perpetual low rumble of city traffic and just take a quiet stroll in the countryside, listening to the wild birds singing to one another, the odd dog barking in the distance and the slow, gentle shush, shush, shush of the wind turbines along the brow of a nearby hill. The rich colours of autumn, the tantalising scent of woodsmoke, blah blah blah here's some pictures. Enjoy.


Wind Farm

Apple Tree

Flocking Birds

Free Range


Tree Stump