Farty's Fortunes

Wednesday, 29 April 2009

Farty's Fuckit List

Tagged for this about a gazillion years ago; in fact, so long ago I forget who tagged me now, sorry whoever you are.

A Fuckit List is the opposite of a Bucket List: a list of things you don't care about doing before you die instead of things you do want to do.

  • Write That Novel. Let's face it, I have trouble maintaining my concentration for more than - oh, look, shiny! Um, yeah. So what chance do I have of stringing together enough coherent thoughts to fill a book? And I don't think this really counts.

  • Scuba Diving off/on/through the Great Barrier Reef. Not that I'm afraid of getting eaten by a Great White Shark or that, it's just that I prefer my fish with tomato sauce, cheese, jalapeno peppers, onions, ground beef, green peppers and garlic dip. Clue: rhymes with banchovies.

  • Catch up on Google Reader. Like that's ever going to happen, sigh. 325 and climbing.

  • Climb the Eiffel Tower/Empire State Building/other tall thing. Tall buildings are overrated and planes go far higher anyway. Well, except Air Force One, obv.

  • Go on the Weakest Link. It's far more fun shouting the answers at the telly and then if you're wrong you only get embarrassed in front of your family, not half the nation.

  • Do that interview for The Pakistani Spectator. No, wait...can I redact that last one?

Your go. If ye can be bothered, like.

Tuesday, 28 April 2009

I'm An Asshole

The clue, mes amis, is in the name.

I've got visitors coming and the place is a 'king mess. 'King hell, there's no time, I'll just sweep the worst of it under the carpet and hope they're too polite to mention it.

But first...

When is L smaller than M but bigger than XL? No cheating.

A recent autopsy on King Henry VIII showed that he had brain damage from a jousting fall, plus syphilis. Was he mad? Well, he wisnae very pleased.

Scotchland is on the brink of seceding from the union with Englandland, taking her cue from Texas. All hail 'King Mel!

How can you guarantee re-election without rigging the vote? Apparently you could do worse than dropping dead of a heart attack after rescuing your town from the great muskrat crisis of '08. I love you Merkans. So much blog fodder just sitting there...

My new motto: Any solution that depends on people not being lazy morons will never work. So true...

New government health and safety initiative: Children to be put to death "for their own good". That'll keep the pedos at bay. Except the necrophiliacs, I suppose. Feck, this blog is going to get a lot of hits for all the wrong reasons.

Coming soon: Farty's Fuckit List. Are you on tenterhooks yet?

How about now?

Saturday, 25 April 2009

I Do Not Fucking Believe It

You might need to click for a better look.

Sunday, 19 April 2009

Computer Terms Illustrated - Photoshop Special

Not that I've ever used Photoshop or that...


BlurOr possibly Oasis, I can never remember which is which. All these boy bands look alike.


Red Eye

Burned Edges
Burned_EdgesI used to be able to read this. Seriously.

ZoomI ♥ Chris Foss.



ScanAlien life form detected, Captain. No, wait...that's me.

Flood Fill


Princes Street, Embra. Great here, innit?

Monday, 13 April 2009

No Lyrics

Radio ad: blah blah 2 Unlimited coming to Embra...

Little Miss Farty: That would be hard.

Me: How so?

LMF: One of them died ten years ago.

Me: Oh rly? Which one?

LMF: The girl.

Me: What, the girl that played to a sell-out crowd in Brazil last year?

LMF: Er...

Me: Not that I'm a big fan of Anita Doth or that.


I love it when I know more about the pop scene than my daughter. I am so hep.

Saturday, 11 April 2009

I Couldn't Go To BlogHer '08 Because I Don't Have A Vagina

But based on eyewitness reports, transcripts, live blogging, some rather shaky video footage, hearsay, gossip, rumour and guesswork, I have finally managed to assemble fabricate the following docu-drama.

Bloggess vs Dooce

I am totally going to get sued for this.

Thursday, 9 April 2009

Computer Terms Illustrated #26

Floating Point



Down Time



Feed Burner

Address Space


Yeah, like I'd do anything PC...Happy Holiday!

Tuesday, 7 April 2009

I'm Too Grown Up To Be Playing With Toys

Think I need more practice with this Tiltshift thingy.




Nuvver Helicopter

Sunday, 5 April 2009

Exactly Who Thought It Would Be A Good Idea To Let All The King's Horses Go First?

I've been thinking about some popular nursery rhymes and frankly? It's pretty scary what we've been teaching our kids.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water;
Jack fell down and broke his crown,
And Jill came tumbling after.

Up Jack got, and home did trot,
As fast as he could caper1,
To old Dame Dob2, who patched his nob
With vinegar3 and brown paper4.

Then Jill came in, and she did grin,
To see Jack’s paper plaster;
Her mother whipped her5 across her knee,
For laughing at Jack’s disaster.

1. In the event of a head injury, the NHS strongly discourages any capering for at least the first 24 hours.
2. Is Dame Dob even a qualified first aider?
3. On the use of acetic acid as an antiseptic/disinfectant, the general consensus is that this should be seen as a last resort. Plus, it stings like fuck.
4. Brown paper vs crêpe bandages? What would Florence Nightingale say?
5. Child abuse! Call Social Services, stat!

There was an old lady who swallowed a fly,
I don't know why she swallowed a fly.
Perhaps she'll die!

The ingestion of Drosophila melanogaster is seen by the Health and Safety Executive as a relatively low-risk activity. Death by asphyxiation or other serious trauma only occurred in 0.01% of recorded cases in 2006. However, because of its perception as a "gateway" to more hard-core fauna consumption, e.g. dogs, goats, or in extreme cases, horses, HM Government has chosen to crack down and rate fly-swallowing as a class B recreational activity punishable by up to three months imprisonment or being forced to watch old Dancing With The Stars repeats.

Hey Diddle Diddle!
The cat played the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon.

The little dog laughed
To see such fun,
And the dish ran away with the spoon.

Lacking opposable thumbs, cats tend to find fiddle-playing a particularly difficult form of musicianship. So full marks to puss for his/her achievement!

Likewise, bovine moon-jumping. This is why farmyard animals have been systematically excluded from participating in Olympic events. They would just show up human athletes for the weaklings they are. An ant can lift 200 times its own body weight. Fact.1

Dog-laughing? Dogs are stupid easily amused.

Dish-Spoon liaisons? No on 8!

1. And by "fact" I mean I just made up that figure. But I bet it's more than a human could do.2

2. Unless that human was Jack Bauer off 24. Apparently.

Old Mother Hubbard
She went to the cupboard
To get her poor doggy a bone;
But when she got there
The cupboard was bare,
And so the poor doggy had none.

She went to the baker’s
To buy him some bread,
But when she came back
The poor doggy was dead.

She went to the joiner’s
To buy him a coffin,
But when she came back
The dog he was laughing.

She took a clean dish
To get him some tripe,
But when she came back
He was smoking his pipe.

She went to the fishmonger’s
To buy him some fish,
But when she came back
He was licking the dish.

She went to the ale-house
To get him some beer,
But when she came back
The dog sat in a chair.

She went to the tavern
For white wine and red,
But when she came back
The dog stood on his head.

She went to the barber’s
To buy him a wig,
But when she came back
He was dancing a jig.

She went to the tailor’s
To buy him a coat,
But when she came back
He was riding a goat.

She went to the cobbler’s
To buy him some shoes,
But when she came back
He was reading the news.

She went to the hatter’s
to buy him a hat,
But when she came back
He was feeding the cat.

She went to the fruiterer’s
To buy him some fruit,
But when she came back
He was playing the flute.

She went to the sempster’s
To buy him some linen,
But when she came back
The dog he was spinning.

She went to the hosier’s
To buy him some hose,
But when she came back
He was dressed in his clothes.

The dame made a curtsey,
The dog made a bow;
The dame said, "Your servant,"
The dog said, "Bow-wow!"

Old Mother Hubbard was on crack.

Saturday, 4 April 2009

Totally Awesome Post



It says here that you should write about your own experiences, that always goes down well.

So, yes, this one time I was on holiday in Majorca and the Germans were all up at 6am and put their towels on the sun loungers to "book" them, then disappeared again. Then at 7am the hotel staff came along and threw all the towels in the swimming pool.


Well, it made me laugh.

Another thing? It seems that people who spend 20% of their time at work surfing the net for fun are 9% more productive than those who don't. I need to spend more time surfing.

I should change the title of this post to "Crappiest Post Ever".

Normal service will resume as soon as I find my blogging mojo.

Wednesday, 1 April 2009

Is It Just Me?

Shaun of the Dead

G20 Protest