Farty's Fortunes

Tuesday, 31 August 2010

New Animal Cruelty Outrage as Sickening Video Reveals Bloodthirsty Mounted Thugs Killing Baby Fox to Death with Devil Dogs

In a not-very-new twist to the woman-puts-cat-in-bin story, morons were furious today to learn that upper-class thugs on horseback had posted videos on the internet some years ago of themselves hunting down and killing foxes before it was outlawed in the UK.


The videos clearly show dozens of "huntsmen", as they like to call themselves, dressed in garish outfits and blowing a variant of deafening vuvuzelas while riding their bloodthirsty steeds over fences and across farmers' crops in pursuit of helpless baby foxes.

Their devil dog beagles then go in for the kill, ripping the victims to pieces in a bloodbath of blood and guts. To see the full video in high definition, visit payperview.morons.com.


Self-styled animal rights campaigners had already formed several Facebook vigilante groups before learning that the videos were shot before fox hunting was outlawed in England in 2004. "But that's not going to stop us," ranted Frank Mental of Bermondsey in Essex. "We will do whatever we can to bring these monsters to justice!"

One of the huntsmen tracked down by our intrepid reporters, Sir William Fitztightly, explained, "That was all a very long time ago in a different day and age. Everyone was doing it then, so of course we just followed along like sheep. Of course we would never do something as cruel and heartless nowadays. At least not until the fox hunting ban is repealed."

A local farmer then advised us to "Get off my land" before levelling a shotgun at us, so we made our excuses and left.

Wednesday, 18 August 2010

Outrage Over Health Claims For Water

A glass of water yesterdayMedical professionals were outraged today over claims that water might be "good for you".

In an article posted last week on the highly-regarded medical journal The Internet, it was claimed that the chemical compound H2O, commonly known as "water", could confer miraculous health benefits, including thirst relief, moisturising and even a reduction in the amount of skin bacteria.

"I'm outraged," said Dr. Malik Singh of Harley Street, London. "These claims are totally spurious and unsupported by any big-pharma financed, long-term, double-blind, highly lucrative clinical trial. This substance must be regarded as potentially dangerous until proper doctors have been paid a fortune to conduct and publish a peer-reviewed study that no-one will bother to read."

The author of the article, Joe Mumble, was unrepentant, claiming that H2O was perfectly safe when diluted repeatedly with itself to the point where less than one molecule of the original substance remained per litre of water. "Furthermore, when just one glass of this is taken with a handful of antiviral drugs, it can definitely help reduce the symptoms of both HIV and AIDS. On its own, not so much."

An NHS administrator who wished to remain anonymous explained, "While this substance has admittedly been in use in NHS hospitals for decades, its primary function has always been seen as an industrial solvent. It's also used in small, carefully-controlled quantities as a sterilizing agent for surgical instruments, but our clinicians are always very careful to remove all traces of it with a greasy cloth before use in the theatre. I certainly wouldn't recommend drinking the stuff, I'd rather pour raw bleach down my throat."

Sunday, 1 August 2010

X Factor Winner Joe McElderry Comes Out As Geordie

Gay singing sensation Joe McElderry has left the showbiz world stunned with the shock revelation that he is a Geordie.

"Why, man," said Joe yesterday, "it's never reely occurred to me befoah, like, but I were just thinking aboot it when I were standing in G.A.Y. with me boyfriend supping a pint of Newky Brown. I heupe it doesn't affect me relationship with me fans, y'knaa."

Until now, Joe has steadfastly denied being a Geordie, claiming that he was born in Outer Mongolia, "Where everyone smoke tabs aal the time, man pet man." But after his Twitter account was hacked by pranksters, he was forced to come clean. He said that he found his decision to come out "reet liberating, like" and that he could now "be Northern".

He revealed he once went out without a coat before going on the X Factor but says he never thought more about it until recently.

The 19-year-old X Factor winner came out just a week after telling his mentor, Cheryl Cole. "Why, I were gutted, at forst, like," admitted the former Girls Aloud member. "I felt betrayed and humiliated, like when wor fans found oot tha' Nadine were the only one in our group who could actually sing live. The bitch."

Fans of the gurning teenager have expressed their full support. 16-year-old Tracy Sherman of Chelmsford explained, "When you've heard some of the godawful shit coming out of the mouths of the other X Factor finalists, a Geordie accent is the least of your worries. After all, it's not as if he's Scottish. Er, he's not, is he?"

Leading X Factor judge Simon Cowell said, "I'm going to be honest. I'll do absolutely anything to get a new record to the top of the charts, but having to back another fucking Northerner makes me sick in my mouth." This slip of the tongue has led to frenzied speculation about which of Cowell's other protégées may have been from the Newcastle area. So far, Fleet Street's finest have drawn a complete blank.

Joe's debut album is due to be released this October, after which everyone will promptly forget he ever existed.