Farty's Fortunes

Thursday, 7 June 2007

Merkan-English Dictionary #5

As if from thin air, a whole new slew of words and phrases have suggested themselves to me. Anyone who says this is in any way related to the recent cross-border visit to Merka is a liar.

  • First floor, Mezzanine, Ground floor, Cellar, Basement

  • This gave me no end of grief a a young 'un when I used to read Merkan SF novels (I still do, but with less confusion nowadays). "Hang on, he jumped out of the first floor window and didn't break his neck? Is he wearing a gravity belt or is he a superhero?"
    Look. The Ground Floor is on the ground. The First Floor is the first one above the Ground Floor. Mezzanine isn't even a proper word, but if it was, it would be where midgits lived, in the space between the Ground Floor and the First Floor.
    You might think, as I do, that cellar and basement were synonymous terms for the underground floor of a house. Maybe it's just in the Canada that the cellar can sometimes be on the ground floor, below the normal living quarters. Now my brain is starting to hurt.

  • Scarf, Muffler, Exhaust

  • A Scarf is something that a lady (or gentleman) wears around her/his neck. A lady sometimes calls this a Muffler. Not to be confused with a muff, although both are good for keeping one's ears warm. An Exhaust is the part of a car that the engine's exhaust fumes are expelled from.

  • Clamp, Boot, Trunk, Bonnet, Hood

  • A Clamp is the thing that the Pedestrian's Friend attaches to a car to let the fuckwit know that it is in breach of local bylaws to double-park, with or without hazard warning lights, in front of Harvey Nicks whilst picking up a couple of bottles of Bolly. A Car Boot, by contrast, is the bit in the back (unless you drive a VW Beetle, in which case it's the front) where the jack, spare wheel etc. are kept. Car Boots can easily be obtained at specialist Car Boot Sales. A Bonnet is a pretty hat worn by ladies and young girls at Easter time. A Hood is what will get you thrown out of Asda/Walmart.

  • Pissed vs Pissed Off

  • Pissed, or Fished as a Part, refers to the condition of having had one too many Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters. Pissed Off is what your friends are after you execute a Technicolor Yawn over their shoes.

  • Corn, Maize, Mealies

  • A Corn is a sore bit on your toe caused by thickened skin. Apparently Merkans eat Flaked Corns. Maize (Mealies in South Africa) is that foodstuff that comes in tins and passes, undigested, straight through your intestinal tract.


BOSSY said...

Car Boots? Do they come in Ladies' size 40?

PI said...

In my understanding - and i refuse to consult a dictionary in this instance - there are ear-muffs of course, but a muff used to dangle on a cord round one's neck so one could rest ones hands inside and keep them warm. One being a lady of course.

lady macleod said...

excellent. thank you for clearing that up. that muff comment was quite cheeky....

Mr Farty said...

Bossy - What is it with you, always with the shoes?

Pi - As a lady, I hope you keep a tidy garden.

Lady M - Cheeky? Moi?

rilly super said...

divided by a common language and all that Mr farty. The world 'fanny' springs to mind on reading this, will you be touching on this?

Virginia Lee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mr Farty said...

Rilly - I refer you to my first post on this subject.

Cat said...

As a child I loved all the Sweet Valley High books and later the works of Judy Blume. I was constantly confused, but especially by the fact that Merkans had a den in their homes. In my experience, a den is a sort of camp made by kids in the woods.

Brom said...

Once on the good ole US of A I was given a room on the first floor of a Hotel. I spent three "Journeys" in the lift, sorry elevator, punching the button for floor 1 wondering why the bloody hell the doors would close but no elevation was happening.

Mr Farty said...

Cat - And I thought it was where a fox lived.

Brom - I can see how that might leave you really pissed. Off.