Farty's Fortunes

Monday, 31 March 2008


I fully support my company's clear desk policy.

Clear Desk

In principle.


Saturday, 29 March 2008

Turn Back The Clock

Or is it forward? Thinks...fall forward, springbok. Right. So let's have an old joke.

A patient is lying in his hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask. When the nurse comes in, he waves her over and mumbles something. She gives him a funny look, but obediently pulls down the bedclothes, undoes his jammy bottoms and takes a look. "No, they look a perfectly normal shade of pink."

He pulls off the mask in exasperation and says, "No, nurse, what I wanted to know was if you could see if my test results are back!"

Thursday, 27 March 2008

Spot The Difference

Forecast: Up to 10cm of snow in Embra over Easter.

Actuality: Upto 10cm
And I needed a fast shutter speed to catch even that much.

Forecast: The baggage handling system at Heathrow Terminal 5 will handle both intra-terminal and inter-terminal luggage and will actually process 70,000 bags a day.

Actuality: 33 flights cancelled (so far) on day one and three flights took off with no baggage at all after the entire baggage system crashed.

Andrew Lloyd Webber: Webber

Andrew Lloyd Weber: Weber

Tuesday, 25 March 2008

4 x 4

Saw this one in Jami's blog. Feel free to pick it up.

4 jobs I have had: Dishwasher in a Chinese restaurant in North Berwick (will wash dishes for Chinese food); Retail clerk in a stationary store (that job went nowhere); Computer Operator (with tapes whizzing around and boxes of punched cards and that - really); Automation Analyst (well, they call it a job: don't tell them I'd happily do it for free).

4 TV shows I actually watch: The Weakest Link (aka Don't Watch Alone: Mrs Farty and I love to mock the halfwits, esp. when we get the right answers; and we keep schtum when we get them wrong too); Torchwood (Captain Jack is hawt); Doctor Who (Captain Jack is hawt); Flight of the Conchords (those crazy Kiwis!).

4 places I have been: Åndalsnes in Norway (before I even went to England); New Orleans (pre-Flood: such a beautiful place); Paris, France (smelly; and French: avoid); Cape Town (sorry, just drifted off...I'd love to go back).

4 foods I like: Chocolate (bet you didn't expect that!); Sweet-and-sour chicken (see above); Mrs Farty's sausage casserole (nuff said); Mr Farty's World-Famous Banoffee Pie. (who knew?)

Monday, 24 March 2008

The "E" Word

There's a great new machine down at the gym. I had to stop after half-an-hour because I was feeling sick, but it was absolutely brilliant! It's got everything you could possibly want...

...scroll down...

Kit-Kats, crisps, Twix, Coke...

Sunday, 23 March 2008

Merkan-English Dictionary - BOSSY Special

To commemorate that madwoman's BOSSY's Excellent Road Trip, herewith and heretofore please allow Mr Farty to present a little something to help travellers in their time of need.


Now the astronomers amongst you might be forgiven for believing that Saturn is a planet, but that's just a matter of opinion.
The Merkan view has it that the Saturn looks more like this:
Well, "planet" does mean "wanderer", and BOSSY's itinerararary certainly involves a lot of wandering.


If I was planning to spend 25 hours a day driving, I'd be wearing one of these too. After all, you never know how far it's going to be to the next rest stop.
Are we there yet?
In case you were wondering, 16-28 lbs doesn't mean capacity.


Edamame are green soy beans harvested at 80 percent maturity, high in protein and fibre and low in calories. Apparently you don't eat the husks, just the beans. Who knew?
EdamNot to be confused with Edam, which is high in yummy and low in lead. I know which I'd prefer to snack on to keep me going.

John Cusack

Bossy's husbandJohn Cusack is fiercely protective of his private life, but that won't stop Mrs Cusack from tracking him down eventually. Map? Check. Chloroform? Check. Escape route? Check. List of bloggy friends with basements ready and alibis prepared? Check.


Or gaol in Early Modern English, this is a place best avoided. See above.


ThongsSlightly less comfortable than flats when driving, but at least you don't have to worry about toe cleavage.

Driving on the left

All sensible countries, including Great Britain, Guyana, South Africa, India, Japan, Australia and New Zealand to name but a few (there are 74 in total), drive on the left. The other handful choose to drive on the right, i.e. wrong side of the road.
According to the British Ministry of Transport, “In the interests of safety, you are advised to practise [driving on the left] in your country of origin for a week or two before driving in the UK.”

I can't wait. BOSSY's route does include Scottsdale Scotchland in the UK, after all.

Drive safely, BOSSY!

Saturday, 22 March 2008

Half and Half

The UK government is shortly to vote on the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Bill. This would, if passed, allow scientists to create half-human, half-animal cybrids.

Little MermaidHow cool would that be? We could cross humans with fish (fishes?) to create people who could breathe underwater through gills, feed off krill and plankton and release some of the population pressure on the land surface of the planet. No more worries about global warming inundating the cities - just live under the sea!

Is it in yet?Or we could cross humans with horses to create people that could eat and digest grass. Cut out all the time and effort of beef production. Forget about raising and killing cows for food. That would keep even the vegans happy!

A minotaur yesterdayOr if you just love the taste of steak, at least you could give the creature a fighting chance. I'm astonished nobody has thought of this before!

Or if it's just sport you're after, why not have a human-lion hybrid that's just as interested in hunting you down for lunch?

SatyrThere's also human-goat hybrids (I'm starting to wonder how people got these ideas in the first place).

Trump RugThe possibilities are endless. We could probly even cross a sleazebag with a rug to create a slug. No, wait. That's been done.

Whatever next? I suppose we could even cross humans with trees...

Thursday, 20 March 2008

Educashun News

If the papers are to believed - and everybody knows the meeja never tell lies, one in three (British) kids thinks Churchill was the first man on the Moon, while two thirds don't know how many planets are in the Solar system.

Duh! Everybody knows Churchill's not a man!

And on the latter point, neither do many reporters (see the correction in the Metro article above), or indeed some scientists. It all depends who you ask, and when. Historically, there were five - Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, and Saturn. Earth, being flat, obviously wasn't a planet. Then they kind of growed. Two years ago, there were twelve planets - counting Pluto, Ceres, Charon, and Xena.

Hmmm...had to do a bit of digging to find a decent picture of that heavenly body. You might want to click to enlarge.

Xena - A Heavenly Body

Quick quiz -

What do you put in a toaster?
If a red house is made of red bricks, and a blue house is made of blue bricks, what is a green house made of?
What do cows drink?
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
What's brown and sticky?

Did you get them all right first time?

Wednesday, 19 March 2008

Black Monitor

In Loving Memory

Arthur Charles Clarke

16 December 1917 - 18 March 2008

Monday, 17 March 2008

Merkan-English Dictionary #9

Yet another effort to reduce the confusion that afflicts Pond-crossers. I'll learn youse guys proper English if it kills me.

  • Candyfloss / Cotton Candy

  • Candyfloss is a sweet, sticky confection that goes all over your face and makes a mess when you eat it. Whereas cotton candy is what your kids have at the fair. FSM, you have got such a filthy mind!

  • Full Stop / Period

  • A full stop is that bit what prevents your sentences from flowing on forever. A period, on the other hand, involves quite a lot of flowing. Unless you have some torpedoes or logs to hand.

  • Nappy / Diaper

  • The word "nappy" is of course derived from "napkin", which is a piece of absorbent cloth what you wear around your neck when you're eating posh nosh1. I wouldn't recommend wearing a nappy as a bib, at least not a used one, unless you want to lose weight in a hurry.

    A diaper is described in Wikipedia as "an absorbent garment worn by individuals who are incapable of controlling their bladder or bowel movements, or are unable or unwilling to use a toilet." Like that mental astronaut.

  • Films / Movies

  • Films, or pictures, or flicks if you're really old, are the moving pictures you see at the cinema, viz.:
    "Mum, I want to see the pictures."
    "There's pictures on the wall."
    "But I want to see moving pictures."
    "Well move them."

    Merkan movies are generally about a gazillion times better than British pictures - except in terms of historical accuracy: see Titanic, U-571 and Apollo 13.

  • Kerb / Curb

  • I think define.com says it all:


    noun: an edge between a sidewalk and a roadway consisting of a line of curbstones.

    In other words, I have no fricking idea why we spell it funny in the UK. We even pronounce it exactly the same as Merkans do.

    I'm getting tyred of this now.

  • St. Patrick's Day / St. Patty's Day

  • On St. Patty's Day, Merkans like to celebrate by eating corned beef and cabbage. And parading around Noo Yawk.

    Mr Farty's friend N, from Oirland, hates the expression "St. Patty's Day" and isn't that keen on corned beef. Her views on cabbage are, at this time, a mystery.

You're welcome.

1 Not to be confused with what Victoria Beckham gave David as a birthday present.

Saturday, 15 March 2008

Farty Blowing Off Smoke


Or "What Happens On t'Internet Stays On t'Internet".

Humour me for a moment. This is purely hypothetical, but let's say I were to post something on t'Internet - maybe on Bobo, or Facepoke, or perhaps even right here on Blogwhore. And then I decided, perhaps because of unfavourable feedback, to delete those last three posts. Not that I ever would, you understand, what with it being my blog, my rules, but if I did. That would be them gone for good, right?

Obviously there would still be my own copy on the pooter where I composed them, and the backup copy stored on the Google server out in California or wherever. And any copies that you, my reader, might have downloaded between me posting and deleting them. Oh, and anything that you might have written in your own blog about it, or emailed to your friends, family and passing acquaintances. And the RSS feed and that. But apart from that?

Thank fuck for that. For a minute there I was worried that something might have slipped out.

On a completely unrelated topic, I'm worried that Mrs Farty has been seeing a minor celebrity behind my back. I'm sure it's nothing, just a platonic friendship that I'm blowing out of all proportion. And the photos are probly fakes. But...well, decide for yourself.

Wednesday, 12 March 2008

Happy Anniversary, Baby

Yep, 26 years married to Mrs Farty. Most of them happily, yay! We got to see lots of her relatives, too, but that was largely circumstantial.

Old Uncle Charlie passed away last week, and the funeral was held today down south Up North, in the borders. One of the advantages of having a new bungee manager every few months is that you can bury six grandfathers in five years and nobody bats an eyelid, so I had no trouble getting time off.

We caught the train down last night, even though it meant that I went through blog withdrawl and slept only fitfully, waking abruptly from a nightmare about the Internet being switched off. Brrr!

Anyway, woke up this morning to the sound of sizzling bacon, had some porridge and honey, then T and I went for a walk while the ladies got on with the important business of yakking.

Cheviots today It was largely overcast, with a strong wind blowing off the Cheviot Hills, but nothing unusual there. The fresh air cleared my head while T and I chatted about how, even out here in the country, technology is gradually encroaching, what with GPS-guided tractors and that. T recalled the first time he visited the Big City (Morpeth, I think) when he had seen traffic being stopped and started by magical beams of coloured light1.

When we got back, some more relatives had arrived to pay their condolences, then in the afternoon we made our way to Chatton for the service. This was my first Catholic funeral, and I can see now why there is such friction between the Protestants and the Catholics - they missed at least a dozen words off the end of the Lord's Prayer!!! Heathens. And the incense made my eyes water. There was a bit of levity - when the minister priest was putting up the numbers of the hymns on the board, Uncle B shouted "House!" If looks could kill...

A familiar dirty laugh from behind made me turn around - yup, Favourite Niece had sneaked in late with Aunty B. That pair will be late for their own funerals, with any luck.

Charlie must have been a good Catholic, what with him being Italian I suppose, since the priest not only knew his proper name but his entire history from his youthful first trip to Northumberland during the War (just a flying visit) to his return after falling in love with the place and his eventual settling down to raise a family. (No, neither of his children had provided him with these details. We checked.)

A brief stop at the cemetery for the burial, then into the local eatery for a very nice hot buffet. We would have stayed longer, but we had a train to catch - or so we thought. When we arrived at the station, we found that British Rail (or whatever the fuck it's called these days) had imposed a 50mph speed limit due to the wrong type of wind and all trains were delayed by up to 2 hours. As luck would have it, the train which we would have missed if it had been on time was also late, so we caught that one and were only an hour late home.

1 Ok, I stole that from Lillian Beckwith.

Monday, 10 March 2008

Naughty Kitteh

Inspired by an actual letter email sent to a blogger who wishes to remain anonymous, see here.

Thursday, 6 March 2008

Blog Whore

I am such a sucker for memes and tags and that. Or lazy. Whatever. I liked this one from Marie.

  1. Pick 10 of your favourite films.

  2. Go to IMDB and find a quote from each film.

  3. Post them here for everyone to guess.

  4. Strike it out when someone guesses correctly, and put who guessed it and the film.

  5. GUESSERS: NO GOOGLING/using IMDb search functions. I mean, you can cheat if you want, but is it really that important?

  6. One film guess per commenter.

So here are my film quotes. If you guess one right and I mark it thusly, feel free to guess on another one.

  1. It could be worse - it could be raining. Laurie, Young Frankenstein

  2. No parent should have to bury their child. The Immoral Matriarch, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

  3. I have got to get me one of these! Marie, Independence Day

  4. Well, she turned me into a newt! ... I got better. #Debi, Monty Python and The Holy Grail

  5. Who died and made you fucking king of the zombies? #Debi, Shaun of the Dead

  6. Ok. Leave this to me. I'm British. I know how to queue. Sewmouse, The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy

  7. Negative. There are no restraining harnesses in the cargo area, we'll be much safer in the cockpit. The Freelance Guru, Toy Story

  8. No, I'm from Iowa. I only work in outer space. Laurie, Star Trek Ivy, The Voyage Home

  9. Jesus. Bob, what button did you push? Mr H, Speed

  10. I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way. #Debi, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

And no clicking on my profile!

More clues in the comments. But hurry, there's only one left!

Tuesday, 4 March 2008


funny pictures
moar funny pictures


Thanks to Jacki's story What Is A Geek? for reminding me about this.

A couple of years ago I read this article in Naked Blog which mentioned the magic address, er, Not having my own PC at the time, I couldn't reference this address directly, but I could google it.

And this is what I found. I was absolutely fascinated. Hooked. Until the story abruptly stopped.

Then I forgot about it for two years.

Looks like I've got some catching up to do.

Update: Speaking of geeky, I hear Gary Gygax has died. Small tribute here.

Monday, 3 March 2008

I Love Whales...

Southern Right Whale

Flying Whale

Another Whale. Probly

...but I couldn't eat a whole one.

A Norwegian pro-whaling group, the High North Alliance, have conducted a scientific study proving that in terms of CO2 emissions, the "best thing you can do for the planet is to eat whale meat."

Apparently the carbon footprint per kilo of whalemeat is only 1.9 kilo of greenhouse gases against 15.8 for beef, 6.4 for pork and 4.6 for chicken.

Before I sharpen my trusty harpoon, I want to know: what's the carbon footprint of a Norwegian? Fresh, not frozen.

So Hungry

Sunday, 2 March 2008

Over There

I've been posted Over There today.

So to speak.

Is This A Joke?

Do you ever feel like you're chained to your desk? Promising you'll take some proper exercise just as soon as you can find the time, but the time never comes? Worry not, for help is at hand! With the Hawaii Chair you can exercise at your desk while you work!

Only in Merka.