I Prefer To Think Of Them As "Coworkers"

Apparently anyone who drinks more than seven cups of coffee a day is three times more likely to have hallucinations, i.e. "seeing things that were not there, hearing voices, and sensing the presence of dead people". I need at least that much just to wake up. And the voices are usually saying, "Why does that guy have to pee in a bucket? Is the men's toilet blocked again?"

Graham Stringer, MP says that dyslexia doesn't exist and is merely a creul fcition invented to cover up pore teeching. He also claims that theirs no Santa, there never was any weapon's of mass destrucshun in Irack and piracy is not responsible for keeping global warming in cheque. Wotevs, Graeme!

Hands up who didn't laugh when they heard that five pirates drowned while making their getaway with a $3 million ransom? Now there's kaaaarrrrma!

And shock, horror! New research shows that three days of normal human farts cause the same amount of damage to the planet as a Google search. Unless we capture the farts, light them and use the energy to boil a kettle for a nice cup of coffee while we surf the interwebs.

Finally, take a look at this and say: "Awwwwwwwwwwww!"



Now go to your documents and post the 6th picture in your 6th file.

Toot toot!

Man Crush

Funny how you can see a new word or phrase and instantly know what it means, innit?

By the time whoever it was on telly had finished explaining it for the lumpen masses, I had my list written out and annotated. So here goes:

• John Barrowman Captain Jack off Dr Who and Torchwood, arrr!




• Johnny Depp Maybe I've got a thing about characters called Captain Jack?




• Orlando Bloom Or pirates? He can rescue me any day, sigh.




• Bruno Tortellini(sp?) Off Strickly Come Dancing With The Stars, he's a sexy, sexy man! Ciao! Pronto! Pizza Margarita!



But if anybody could turn me off women for life, it has to be...

• Sarah Palin Seriously, dude.

Today Be International Talk Like A Pirate Day!

A vast behind! Arrgh, it be a good day to be out on the ocean waves and that! Unless ye be gettin' seasick easily, ye scurvy landlubbers! Then ye might be better off just knockin' back the grog wi' yer mates, arr!

Here be a good place fer translatin' words, phrases or even yer full blog inter pirate speak: Pirate Speak. And here be the official ITLAPD site.

I be off t' a weddin' today, my niece be gettin' wed t' a landlubber, arr, arr, etc.

I be wonderin' if it be a themed affair? I'd hate to be the only one to show up in top hat and tails at a pirate wedding, they'd keelhaul me fer sure! Arrr!



Be havin' a nice day now, ye hear?

International Talk Like A Pirate Day

Feck. I been drinkin' grog all day. Hic! Wazzup? Will someone shut that feckin' parrot UP?

Right. Now. Where was I? Where be I? Shouldn't blog after grog. Remember not to post this, Farts.

Right. First up - a Martian Meteorite has crashed in Peru. Well, they say it's a meteorite. So far, it's released some noxious fumes into the environment and made the locals feel pretty sick. If you ask me, it's either the Martian counterpart of yours truly, or the first wave of the invasion fleet. I'm just saying.

Next. Britney's been dropped by her record label, her lawyer and her manager.
Sorry, Britney who?

Oh, another space one. Hurrah! Britain should set up its own Moonbase, according to space boffins. Now, I saw the following quote in the Sun, but for some reason can't find it anywhere on t'internet. I wonder why? Good thing I wrote it down, innit, me fartys? Arrr.
"The Moon could be the greatest archaeological site in the solar system," said Professor Monica Grady.
Um. Archaeology is the study of human cultures, shurely, matey? Finding anything of archaeological significance on the Moon, apart from six (6) Apollo landers and various pieces of assorted tat, including a WWII bomber, certainly would be a great achievement. I won't be holdin' me breath, though.

Czech biker Matej Kus had an accident where his head got run over and woke up speaking perfect English. Well, of course he would, everyone knows English is wired into the human brain. He just gorgot how to speak Czech. Gorgot?

Boffins working on the shed Cloak of Invisibility have almost managed it. All that can be seen is a thin line of light where the object ought to be.

Cool! I can't see him at all.

Did I be mentioning it be International Talk Like A Pirate Day? Arrrr, ye scurvy sea-dogs! I'll lash ye to the mizzen-mast and keel-haul yer miserable bones!

Yarr!

I Am Aghast

I was reading up on Boltzmann Brains, Matrioshka Brains and that today, as you do, when I came across a reference to one of my favourite bloggers. Yes, it turns out that Bossy is in fact a cybernetic brain or supercomputer. No wonder she's so prolific - she doesn't need to eat or sleep. I definitely need to get an upgrade; thinking about one of these...



A stolen bronze statue of Olympic Gold medallist Steve Ovett has been found in pieces on a bonfire. Insert your own punchline here.

More animals in the moos - the recent outbreak of Foot and Mouth Disease has been traced to a government laboratory next door to the affected farms. Bear found to be Catholic, Pope shits in woods, research causes cancer in rats, etc.

Rich bitch Leona Helmsley left her dog $12 million in her will, and now - you've guessed it - the dog is being sued by a former housekeeper for biting her. As the lady's son put it, "That dog got money. That money is going to be taken away from that dog." Sounds like that dog is nothing but Trouble.

Only 12 days to ITLAPD. How will you be joining in the fun, maties? Arrr!

Update: Late breaking animal news - Gorilla Bananas has released a video. Who knew gorillas could play drums?

Political Correctness Gone Differently Sane

• Ramadana Ding-Dong
  Embra hospital workers have been told not to eat at their desks to avoid offending Muslim colleagues during Ramadan. And Muslim doctors have been requested not to drive burning jeeps into Scotch airport lounges during the summer holiday period.


• Walking Two Short Planks
  Insurers threatened to pull the plug on the annual Plank-Walking Championships in Kent unless entrance forms were amended to warn contestants that "plank-walking may make you wet". Visitors to the Vatican have also been warned to look out for Catholic Popes and hikers planning on taking a stroll in the woods should mind their step.


• Rubbish Flowers
  Paul Newman - who appears to have eschewed Hollywood for Bedshampton in Hampshire - has been snubbed by garbage disposal operatives after leaving a bunch of dead flowers in his household waste. They'd prefer that he puts the lilies in the back of his truck and drives the twenty-mile round trip to the dump to dispose of them in an environmentally-friendly way. With the emphasis on "mental".


• Barking Mad
  Feliciana P. Harrell was arrested in Wisconsin after she "barked at and agitated a K-9 dog". How do you agitate a tin dog?


• Losing The Plot
  June Turnbull, whose gardening skills at the entrance to the high street helped win Urchfont the Best Kept Village Of The Year award, has been given a cease-and-desist order for failing to wear a fluorescent jacket, place women-at-work warning signs or have a second person standing by whenever she wanted to go along and do a bit of weeding. The order comes from Wiltshire County Council, whose county seat lies in Salisbury. Sour grapes or what?

Gothamated!

Sounds like something from a Batman film. A really baaaaad Batman film.

In fact, a certain Welshman, who claims to be Spanish, living in Belgium, my head hurts already, has tagged me. For those who can't be arsed reading the original tag, here it is in full.

I nominate the following, for the Thinking Goth Award, which will expire in about 2 days or when I get bored shitless of the concept.

GOTHIC RULES
- Nominate 5 sites that only make sense after several drinks or spliffs
- Do NOT send me links to them, I don't care
- Feel free to nominate yourself as many times as you want
- If you nominate yourself less than zero, you are shit at maths
- You have explain why you ended up there, or even read it
- There will be no voting or any of that meaningless crap
- You have to explain why you are Gothimating the site

GOTHIMATIONS

My Thinking Spot - because she makes me cry with her honesty and I cannot pollute her comments with my inane bullshit

Boob Pencil - anyone collecting pencils under her tits must have something really interesting to do.... or not [and she's a real author and that, so she knows how to write proper]

Mr Farty - anyone that delights in the ignition of their own emissions is always handy in a dark tunnel [who he?]

This Old Broad - anyone that old who still wants to be a groupie must be SO good in bed

Princess Diaries - anyone that cute who is not getting sex on a regular basis must be, well, missing something

See HERE for more details

So. I love rules, me. Especially the tinkling sound they make as they shatter into a gazillion pieces. Think I shall nominate five sites, but they will be ones that I consider fartworthy.

And I've done a badge and all.

First up is Chaucer's Bitch, not least for this post, but also because she is a good egg. CB is a keen rower, and it broke my heart when she did her back in. Working back to full health one step at a time, with the help of The Pirate. Oh and she's a Pastafarian wench. Feck alone knows how I found her, but she is one of the few bloggers who can write long, long posts that don't make me get bored and - hey, wake up at the back there! And there's nooky.

Second has to be Done A Poo. Someone done a poo in my comments box and that was it. I'm hooked. Not as good as farting, but hey ho.

Next we have BOSSY. Not too strong on the farting, but definitely full of shit. At least according to some reviewer who couldn't write a decent blog post if their life depended on it.

In penultimate position (second last) comes Mr Brom of The Windsor Castle Hot Air Balloon Festival, purely because of this little gem.

And finally, way over in Australia Kentucky, is the delectable, dimpled, downright gorgeous, feck who am I kidding, she's as funny as a fart in a nunnery, Apos! I think I found her in a review by Hot Coffee Girl. Gone a bit quiet since she finally made it Stateside, but worth dipping into her archives for a sniff while you wait for a new emission.

Toot toot!

Political Correctness Gone Out The Window

Sometimes I struggle for ages trying to think of something deep, meaningful and profound to write about. Then I give up and do some blogging instead.

But sometimes a subject presents itself, as it were, on a plate. With spaghetti and meatballs. And pasta sauce. Aaaaahhhh! Or even, Aaaaarrrrggghhh!

No, it's not that Russell Brand has threatened to pull out of Big Brother's Big Mouth - Eeeuw! - although that would mean that the dandy fop is available for other work; say, a figurehead for some new-fangled religion.

No, far better than that, schoolboy Bryan Killian has been suspended from the yardarm school for, woodja believe it, turning up for class dressed in Full Pirate Regalia. He claims that his Constitutional rights to freedom of religion are being violated, while the school claims he's an arsehole. His mummy says, “I think Bryan should be able to voice his opinion, but he kind of got carried away.”

Me? I think the more pirates there are, the better prepared we are to combat Global Warming and that. Or perhaps it's just the thought of all those Pirate Wenches. Aaarrr!

Three In A Bed

Tagged by Kissme. I've never been kissed tagged before, so I'm quite nervous. Not. I saw one tag last week that ran to 150 items, feck that. But this is quite short. Except that I'm making it unnecessarily longer by yammering on about it.

Three Things That Scare Me:

1. Ghosts.
2. George W Bush.
3. Bungee Jumping.

Three People Who Make Me Laugh:

1. Phil Kay.
2. George W Bush.
3. Non-Working Monkey.

Three Things I Love:

1. Farting.
2. Mrs Farty.
3. Choclit.

Three Things I Hate:

1. Them green things, wossname? Vegetables.
2. George W Bush.
3. ICBMs.

Three Things I Don't Understand:

1. The Inflationary Theory Of Cosmology.
2. QED.
3. Women.

Three Things On My Desk:

1. Cuppa tea.
2. Shortbread crumbs.
3. Speakers.

Three Things I'm Doing Right Now:

1. Writing this fecking post.
2. Listening to The Beautiful Corrs.
3. Farting.

Three Things I Want To Do Before I Die:

1. Swim with dolphins. I've watched them surf. Wow!
2. Dance on George W Bush's grave. Or Margaret Thatcher's.
3. Discover the secret of immortality.

Three Things I Can Do:

1. Can you guess?
2. Play Go. Badly.
3. Make people laugh. Knickers!

Three Things I Can't Do:

1. Stop farting.
2. Learn To Stop Worrying and Love The Bomb.
3. Put up with intolerance.

Three Things I Think You Should Listen To:

1. Music. Any music except rap.
2. Your heart.
3. Me farting. Ahhhh!

Three Things I'd Like To Learn:

1. To fart The Flight Of The Bumblebee.
2. SCUBA diving. See dolphins above.
3. HTML, so I can pimp my blog. Getting there.

Three Favourite Foods:

1. Banoffee Pie.
2. Choclit.
3. Pasta.

Three Shows I Watched As A Kid:

1. Captain Pugwash. Arrrggghh!
2. Dr Who. William Hartnell was my favourite right up until David Tennant arrived.
3. That one with the two numpties with the idiotic expressions, the jerky, drunkard's walk and the unintelligible flob-a-dob speech, flanking the pretty-but-shy one in the middle. No, this one.

Three Things You Should Never Listen To:

1. Rap music.
2. George W Bush.
3. People who tell you it can't be done.

Three Wonderful People To Inflict My Meme On:

1. Non-Working Monkey.
2. Apos-itivepessimist.
3. Cheerful One.

Aye Thang Yew.

International Talk Like A Pirate Day

It be only six months until International Talk Like A Pirate Day, so I be thinkin' I'd better be startin' to getting ready^*. So here be somethin' to educate yez, with the three four five R's.

It all be startin' with the Flying Spaghetti Monstaaarr!


His chosen people be pirates. Arrr!

Mrs Farty and I always be takin' it in turns to walk the plank. Ah-harr!

Then there be the lovely wench Tasha Yarrrrr...


And A Vast Behind were just a bonus. Aaaarrrrrgggghhh!

Now keel-haul the mainsail, belay the demon rum and buckle that swash^**!

^*If the Christians can start preparing for X-mas in August, for FSM's sake, why shouldn't we start early too?

^**Erm, anyone know where I can get a decent swash?

Serious Post

Where do I start? At the beginning, I suppose...

Forty years ago, I remember my closest brother sticking pins in my mum's cigarettes to make it harder for her to poison herself. She must have got through twenty a day, easily. 'Cancerettes', he called them. And 'coffin nails'. This was in the days when the killers were still blithely claiming that fags were good for you, but everyone with half a brain knew the truth. Still, she claimed, she'd rather lose five years off her life than spend those years missing the joy of fags.

Fair enough, Mum, I thought, it's your choice and your funeral. And yes, it was her choice. Of course, had I known about passive smoking in those days, I might have made more of an effort to persuade her to give up. Or at least open a window. We had to paint our living room ceiling twice as often as the kids' bedroom, to hide the smoke stains.

Well, Mum's funeral was five years ago. But there's a parallel going on on a much larger scale right now.

Thirty years ago, during the "energy shortage" of the mid-70s, James Burke had a tv show where he asked members of the public to try to predict the future. One prediction, generally agreed upon, was that the private car would be a thing of the past by 1982, an unaffordable luxury. Even then, it was recognised that cars cost a lot to make, a lot to run and a lot to maintain. And they contribute to atmospheric pollution.

Twenty years ago, climate scientists announced that they were a bit worried about global warming and perhaps we should, you know, do something about it? So the oil companies trotted out their own scientists who said that there was no such thing as global warming. There may not have been as many naysayers as doom-mongers, but they were far better financed and people like a positive message.

Ten years ago, it really looked serious. All the major players got together in a city called Kyoto and signed an agreement to cut their carbon emissions to below 1990 levels by 2008. Except that the US and Australian governments refused - and still refuse - to ratify the treaty. Their own published reports showed that although global warming does indeed exist, it's mostly due to circumstances beyond our control and there's nothing we can do about it.

Now, it turns out that Dubya has been in the pocket of the big oil companies all along. Who would have thought it? A major government forging official reports to make it appear that all was well? Shock and indeed, horror.

Of course, it's what comes next that worries me. Climatologists are saying that we're rapidly approaching a tipping point, beyond which no power on Earth will be able to prevent the tundra from thawing, the polar ice caps from melting and the oceanic conveyor belt from shutting down, plunging Europe into a new ice age while Atlanta becomes the new Atlantis; small islands will disappear forever; Waterworld, blah blah blah.

Any bets on how long it takes Big Oil to come to the conclusion that: "We've already passed the tipping point, so we might as well eat, drink, drive, fly and be merry, for tomorrow we shall die"?

There is still one hope, if we act now. It has been proven that there is a link between global warming and the number of pirates on the seven seas. As pirate numbers have fallen, so average global temperatures have risen. Bobby Henderson is trying to negotiate the purchase of a ship which his Pastafarians can use as official missionary transportation to spread the word and boost pirate numbers. Please lend your wholehearted support to this worthy cause.

I love messing about in boats, me.