Farty's Friday Chart

Jade & Piggy


Bush & Chimp


Revolting & a bird


Name That Tune

Flying Killer Monkeys From Hell

I've had to put my first movie script on hold for the moment, as Orlando Bloom has been too busy to return any of my 200 phone calls. Never mind; I've already had an idea for a sequel, and eagle-eyed readers will have noticed that this time I've come up with the title first!

We rejoin the tale one year after the first film ends. In a devastated Earth, the tattered remnants of humanity try to rebuild civilisation, but there are too few
survivors left after the mayhem caused by those pesky brain-eating zombies.

Working feverishly in a lab based in Hawaii (to get away from the zombies), with sweat from the tropical heat (and global warming, obv.) dripping down her front, Doctor Salma Hayek has genetically engineered a troop of flying monkeys¹.

These airborne anthropods (so I used a thesaurus, so sue me) have been trained to perform all the menial tasks so that the scientists can get on with the real work of destroying the zombies and putting the world to rights; simple-minded jobs like fruit-pickers, street-sweepers, taxi-drivers, database programmers, drummers and England rugby players (*ducks*).

At first, the results look promising - the new working class is literally prepared to work for peanuts. But then disaster strikes! El Nino brings an early monsoon, the world peanut harvest is decimated and starving monkeys run fly amok.

In a desperate effort to save the world, bigger, more ferocious langurs are trained to attack the original, smaller macaques and keep them under control...

Nah, come on, who would swallow a story as far-fetched as killer monkeys? That's just preposterous!

¹ You may ask why they need to be flying monkeys - the reason is, of course, that the title would make no sense otherwise. It's too late to change it now: deal with it.

Neologisms

I hate dictionaries. Do you know how many pages I had to read to find a word that meant "A new word, expression, or usage"?

None, of course, I just remembered it. But if I hadn't known it to begin with, it would have taken ages. Dictionaries are only any good if you already know what the word is and how to spell it. Does that make a dictionary tautologically redundant?

Meh.

Anyway, I love it when I first hear a new word or phrase and instantly I know exactly what it means. Like the "Oil Widow Mums" in Aberdeen, or "Fat Coke^TM" as against "Diet Coke^TM". And I got "Ice Mummy" right away.

I admit I was rather taken aback when I first heard the phrase Bouncy Castle. "And you say you can put one of these things in your back garden?"

Of course, Alan Partridge took it to the logical extreme with "Monkey Tennis!"

Who, I wonder, was the first person to try a Coffee Enema? Did it go like this?


But whoever heard of "Corporate Ethics?" Now you're having a laugh.

I Am Aghast

I was reading up on Boltzmann Brains, Matrioshka Brains and that today, as you do, when I came across a reference to one of my favourite bloggers. Yes, it turns out that Bossy is in fact a cybernetic brain or supercomputer. No wonder she's so prolific - she doesn't need to eat or sleep. I definitely need to get an upgrade; thinking about one of these...



A stolen bronze statue of Olympic Gold medallist Steve Ovett has been found in pieces on a bonfire. Insert your own punchline here.

More animals in the moos - the recent outbreak of Foot and Mouth Disease has been traced to a government laboratory next door to the affected farms. Bear found to be Catholic, Pope shits in woods, research causes cancer in rats, etc.

Rich bitch Leona Helmsley left her dog $12 million in her will, and now - you've guessed it - the dog is being sued by a former housekeeper for biting her. As the lady's son put it, "That dog got money. That money is going to be taken away from that dog." Sounds like that dog is nothing but Trouble.

Only 12 days to ITLAPD. How will you be joining in the fun, maties? Arrr!

Update: Late breaking animal news - Gorilla Bananas has released a video. Who knew gorillas could play drums?

Party Time!

Non-Working Monkey's Blog Birthday is on July 10th. Get over there now and start whooping it up!

That is all.