Now I Feel Bad

So last week I was in some foreign country and I didn't take my camera most of the places I went because everybody's already taken a zillion photos of their Spanish holiday resort and honestly who wants to see even more of that crap unless they're planning to go there themselves and want to check it out first? But I did take my phone because now the EU's ordered the mobile phone companies to stop gouging their customers with "roaming charges" for taking their phones abroad when it costs the companies themselves a fucking pittance to interoperate? Not that I use the phone all that much for phone calls but I feel lost without Twitter and guess what? They still charge an arm and a leg for data, so I had to top up twice.

Anyway, I used the phone to take some snaps and post them to Twitpic, but of course this phone doesn't upload Twitpic photos because O2|Sony Ericson|Twitpic are assholes. So I had no way of knowing if the photos which I posted at great expense to Twitpic had actually arrived as sent until I sat down tonight at the PC to review them. Oh, fuck.

Someone did post a comment asking if I'd even checked my snap of Steamboat Willow because it was shit and I just blocked him out of force of habit, but it turns out he wasn't just being nasty. Steamboat Willow. Sorry.

As a special treat, here's another picture I took from the apartment.


Also, I tweeted most of what happened while I was away but there's no signal at 30,000 feet, so here's what you missed if you're on Twitter:


No signal? *Hyperventilates*

Reading Mrs F's magazine. Munter, munter, @ThisIsDavina, munter, @RealLorraine, munter, done. Bored now.

So we're five miles up, held aloft by the latest technology...why do the seat rows go 10, 11, 12, 14?

Seven quid for a baguette? What's on it, unicorn or griffin?

Coming over the Spanish coast now. I wonder if I left the gas on?

Everything on this flight costs extra. I hope if we crash, it's on land. Otherwise they'll be trying to sell us life-jackets.

The cabin crew are friendly but dead behind the eyes. They're speaking Spanish right now. I assume they're saying, "I hate my job".

We're coming in to Malaga. Or Mauritius. Or Morocco. Something beginning with "M". I suck at geography.

Then we had a holiday. Which was nice. And then...

Glad we checked in online, only had to queue 45 mins at the "bag drop" (check-in) desk.

Also? Incredible number of morons here with no grasp of the concept of "excess baggage" or "no bottled nitroglycerin".

Some twat has left their bag unattended. Bit wary to report it in case they evacuate the airport.


Yes, we would go back. As soon as they invent Star Trek type transporters.

We Did Warn You

As has been reported heavily in the press, plane bomber Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab was reported to US authorities a good six months before the attack. Some insight into the Merkans' lack of enthusiasm to follow up the matter at the time can be gleaned from this copy of an email sent by the would-be bomber's father to the CIA:


Lagos, Nigeria.
Attention: The CIA.

Dear Sir,

Confidential Security Proposal

Having consulted with my family and based on the information received from Nigerian Secret Service, I have the privilege to request your assistance to transfer a Verified Member of Al Qaida into your custody. The above request resulted from many years of intelligence gathering, internet Deep Packet Inspection and other means which I cannot discuss in an open forum such as this with your good self in case of Eaves Dropping.

We are now ready to transfer the suspect overseas and that is where you come in. It is important to inform you that as a former Chairman of Nigeria's FirstBank, I and my family are forbidden to operate a foreign Bank Account; that is why we require your assistance. The total reward will be shared as follows: 70% for us, 25% for you and 5% for local and international expenses incidental to the renderition.

If you find this proposal acceptable, we shall require the following documents:

(a) your banker's name, telephone, account and fax numbers.

(b) your private telephone and fax numbers — for confidentiality and easy communication.

(c) your letter-headed paper stamped and signed.

Alternatively we will furnish you with the text of what to type into your letter-headed paper, along with a breakdown explaining, comprehensively what we require of you. The business will take us thirty (30) working days to accomplish.

Please reply urgently.

Best regards
Umaru Mutallab

Keep Your Shed Secure

Those of you not on Twitter may not have been aware that Farty Towers was burgled over the weekend, hence the not-keeping-up-with NaBloPoMo. Sorry.

Yes, they caught him and no, it was too late, he'd already sold our stuff. Jewellery, camera, ice axe (really), baby clothes (WTF?), booze. Weird thing was he'd picked up and moved, unopened, a bag labelled "Barclays Diamonds" containing LMF and DB's wedding rings. Those are now in a bank vault.

Anyway, the Crime Prevention Officer was here today and as part of his security advice, mentioned that garden forks and that are handy tools for breaking into a house, so you need to keep your shed secure too.

On the leaflet he left with us it says, "Recommend hostile/aggressive plants around perimeter fences and boundary walls".

What do you reckon?

Somalia sends food parcels to House of Commons to supplement MPs' rations

Somalians have dug deep in their pockets after hearing of the plight of British MPs, who are being treated like shit and have to live on rations, according to Shadow Commons leader Alan Duncan.

"This is absolutely scandalous," said Mogadishu resident Saeed Abdallah. "Here we are, living in the lap of luxury with not a care in the world, except for the occasional suicide bombing or random beheading, while hardworking British lawmakers have to scrape by on as little as £64,766 pa. Plus expenses.

"When the Somali people learned of the MPs' plight through a wind-up radio tuned into the BBC World Service, we immediately agreed to club together and collect every grain of rice we could pry from between the floorboards, along with the leftover bones from a stray dog we caught and ate a couple of weeks ago.

"We hope that this offering, though small, will help sustain the starving MPs through these times of hardship until after the next election, when it is sincerely hoped that their freeloading snouts will be back in the trough before you can say duck house."

URGENT REPLY NEEDED

Vous êtes invité :: URGENT REPLY NEEDED. My private email address:(blah blah@blah blah)
Par votre hôte: Sule Musa

Date: mardi 3 mars 2009
Heure: 22h 00 - 23h 00 (GMT+00:00)
Rue: I am the manager of auditing and accounting department of BANK OF AFRICA (B.O.A) here in Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso West Africa. In my department l discovered an abandoned sum of Fifteen Million Dollars (US$25M) in an account that belongs to one of the Bank Late foreign customer a native of U.S.A who died along with his entire family in a plane crash.Since Bank of Africa Management got information about his death, they have been expecting his next of kin or relation to come over and claim his money from the Bank and the B.O.A can not release it unless some body applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidlings and laws but unfortunately the bank learnt that all his supposed next of kin died alongside with him at the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim. It is therefore upon this discovery that I now decided to make this business proposal to you, so that l and you will cliam it Because the Board of Directors of this Bank may Decide to Share it Among themselves or Declear it as a Government Tresurer since no body have apply as the next of kin or relation to the Late costumer.The banking law and guidline here stipulates that if such money remained unclaimed after eight years the money will be transfered into the bank treasury as unclaimed dormant fund. The request of foreigner as next of kin in this business is occassioned by the fact that the customer was a foreigner; But a Burkinabe like me can not stand as next of kin to a foreigner that the Reason why l decided to contct you, I agreed that 30% of Total money will be for you as a respect to the provision of a foriegn account ,10% will be set aside for expenses incurred during the business and 60% would be for me.There after, I will visit your country for Sharing and disbursement of my own share according the percentage indicated Therefore, to enable the immediate transfer of this fund to you.must apply first to the bank as relation to the deceased customer with a text of application that i will send to you,but before i send to you the text of application form to Fill and send the Bank of Africa Burkina faso West Africa, I will send to you by fax or email the text of the application form.I will not fail to bring to your notice that this transaction is hitch-free and that you should not entertain any atom of fear as all required arrangements have been made for the transfer. You should contact me immediately as soon as you receive this letter,if only you are intrested and ready to help.Trusting to hear from you.Yours Faithfully,Mr Sule Musa,Please, contact me through my private email address:(blah blah@blah blah)

Viendrez-vous ? Répondre à cette invitation


Hmmmm.
Who abandons Fifteen Million Dollars (US$25M)?
How hard can it be to find some body?
I've been in the finance industry for 32 years and never heard of banking guidlings, cliams or how to Declear anything as a Government Tresurer. Any body?
If a costumer had that much cash in a foriegn bank account, am I in the wrong business?
How does one entertain an atom?
Why is it that when I Google "Bank Of Africa" I get directed to "419 scams"?

News Roundup

Still considering whether to dip my toe into journalism. In the meantime, here's what I've seen going on in and around the webz.

Some little 11-year-old spoiled brat shot and killed his dad's pregnant girlfriend with a gun designed especially for children. What. The. Fuck? No prizes for guessing which country.

PM Gordie Broon has been caught with his troosers in a conflagration, when he claimed that he only found out this week about Fat Cat Freddie's humungous pension. M'lud, may I present in evidence The Daily Telegraph from October 14th, 2008? "Sir Fred Goodwin blah blah blah reportedly stands to benefit from a pension worth more than £500,000 on leaving the group." Perhaps Gordie was reading that article with his blind eye?

It looks like we shan't be saying "Farewell to the Torrents"¹ anytime soon. Liars for the RIAA had the temerity to question the credentials of an expert witness in the Pirate Bay trial, aaaarrrrr, Professor Roger Wallis, PhD, from the Royal Institute of Technology in Stockholm, when he testified that artists who market their own material over the intertubes (e.g. Esmeé Denters) were making the very concept of copyright a thing of the past. Read about it in Wired. I like the bit about the flowers.

Ryanair has decided to start charging customers a pound to spend a penny on their planes. Remind me next time I fly Ryanair to wear a kilt. I plan to make a sit-down protest ².

The spoilsport brigade are up in arms again, this time over the return of the circus elephant. This animal has already been driven to extinction once, during the 20th century, by fuddy-duddy do-gooders, and it has taken a decade of DNA cloning, genetic modification and that to bring it back to life. Returning it to its natural habitat in the centre ring of a big-top circus has been a painstakingly slow business, involving beating the fuckers with sticks and chairs, electric cattle prods and in extreme cases shooting them for their own good.
Basically, they're like wild elephants without the jungle.

WildJust a bit miffed
Yep. No difference.

Twitter ye not. I'm on Twitter. WTF that is. I dunno, techno-something or other. It's a bit like blogging, except there's a limi

¹ © Robert Burns.

² Read Misssy's blog from "So my brother".

Slow News Day In Scotchland

Embra tram passengers reacted with fury today after yet another delay hit the council's plans to mend over 200,000 miles of track in and around the city.

"I'm furious," moaned passenger Jock McTavish, 94, of Niddrie. "I've been sitting here in this tram, patiently waiting to get home for 53 years now and I'm pretty sure my tea will be burnt to a crisp. The driver won't tell us a thing, but that's probably because he's afraid to speak up in case he loses his job."

When approached by reporters, the driver, Mr Angus Bogle, deceased, refused to answer any questions on the grounds of having died of old age 15 years earlier.

It is believed the contractors, Mr T Gypsy & Co, are asking for an extra £100,000,000,000 to cover the cost of spreading low-grade tarmac on the roads and fly-tipping the waste into the nearest garden.

TIE were unavailable for comment. The next tram is due to leave Princes St in 10 minutes. Honest.

More Random Crap

Sorry for not posting sooner, I've had my eyes glued to the TV and it took this long for the solvent to do its thing.

So. How are you? Really? How nice/terrible. Anyway.

I loved this article where the Ozzie PM, Kevin Rudd, reckons excessive pay packages for fat cat bank execs should be outlawed globally, because: "excessive greed by executives in some financial institutions had worsened the current crisis". Yeah. Let that sink in...now, can anyone splain the difference between ordinary common-or-garden greed and excessive greed? 'Cause it's all greed to me.

Some bint from Michigan has driven all the way to Nebraska to dump her thirteen-year-old son on the welfare system. If he's such a handful, why not just wait till he goes out on a shoplifting expedition or whatever, then move house without leaving a forwarding address? It totally worked for my cousin ****** [deleted on legal advice].

Oh. There's this Merkan blogger called Dooce. What an odd name. Apparently she's quite popular, but I've never really "got" her until last week, when she posted this. As she says, turn up your volume and wait for her to smack the pole. Fucking A.



Don't forget to tune in for Farty's Friday Chart. Toot toot!

REQUEST FOR URGENT CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP

Someone's been taking lessons from the Nigerians...

From: Minister of the Treasury Paulson
Subject: REQUEST FOR URGENT CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP

Dear American:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transactin is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully Minister of Treasury Paulson

And Now I Feel Itchy

So, not much in the news this week, really.

A seven-year-old boy has been thrown out of an Australian zoo for feeding the reptiles...to the crocodile. But hey, haven't we all done that? No? Just me then.

Aggie off How Clean Is Your House admits that she used to work for MI6. Who do think did all the cleaning up after those fights and explosions in James Bond?

Mortgage lender Bradford and Bingley has been nationalised after coming a cropper in the credit crunch. Apparently any speculators who bought shedloads of shares in the company when they bottomed out last Friday, in the hope of making a quick buck after they bounced back up, will now lose the lot. Bwahahaha! Not that I know anyone that stupid. *snort*

A couple of planes got stuck in mid-air after a Lesbian air traffic controller overslept. Her bosses were planning to discipline her for her tardiness, but decided she would probly enjoy it too much.

World War One veteran Henry Allingham, 112, has published the first volume of his autobiography. If sales go well and he collects enough material, he plans to release part two in 2108.

And finally, Cyril, this year's Ig Nobel winners have been announced. My favourite is the Biology Prize awarded to the French team who discovered that dog fleas can jump higher than cat fleas. This is stuff we need to know!

Toot toot!

Crisis? What Crisis?

Apparently there's a bit of a kerfuffle going on in the financial markets. In fact, one commentator went so far as to say: "The President isn't working properly." That was me, just now. Dubya seems to think the market isn't working, but from what little I can remember about macroeconomic theory the market, being an emergent property of any politico-economic fiscal system, from simple barter to the London Stock Exchange, is working exactly as you'd expect.

A market is where goods and services are exchanged, and the point where supply meets demand is called the "price". Keep the supply short, by for instance neglecting to build any basic council housing and selling off what there is, while the population climbs inexorably higher, and the demand will skyrocket, sending prices into orbit. People will lie, cheat and lie some more to get a foot on the property ladder: "Oh, yes, we can afford to pay twice our annual salary every month, after all we'll be selling this place for a vast profit in the very near future." "That's no problem, I'll get a vast commission by selling you this highly desirable shoebox. Then I'll run away."

One of the reasons for having a government is to govern people's activities. The clue is in the name. I'd argue that the act of government includes protecting the weak from the strong, the poor from the rich and the stupid from the cunning. In this, the Bush and indeed the Blair/Brown administration have clearly failed.

Now we find poor, homeless people sleeping in the street outside expensive, empty houses. Banks and building societies are collapsing right, left and centre. And as long as Bush and his ilk are prepared to bail them out with taxpayers' money - your money, my money - it will continue to worsen until we suddenly find that overnight the US, the UK and the EU have become third world countries like Zimbabwe and the Sudan.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying we should lynch the ringleaders and torch their homes and possessions, after all how could we even be sure who those millionaires and billionaires are? It would be all too easy to organise a flash-mob in every major city and hunt the fuckers down like animals, but that would be wrong. Fun, but wrong.

Perhaps it would be in their own best interests if the law were to make a lasting example of the financial and political leaders who are ultimately responsible for this mess by jailing them for fraud. Because from where I'm sitting, it looks like they've taken people's money and given them nothing back in return except for broken dreams. And none of your "open prison" crap, I'm sure there's plenty of room to spare in Guantanamo Bay.

/rant

And I'd Have Gotten Away With It Too...

...if it wasn't for those pesky non-existent kids.

How can anyone, even in Glasgow, claim benefits for fourteen children she doesn't have for four years and nobody even bother to check? Grr.

She'd probably be claiming still, except that she "got greedy" and started claiming for phantom disabilities that her phantom kids didn't have.

"Er, hello, is that the Social? Aye, it's Mrs Semple. Again. It's aboot oor wee, er, haud on...Tariq. The poor wee thing's got, let's see, Gulf War Syndrome. How much can we get for that? Pardon? Aye, he's three. Well, Ah suppose he must of caught it from his dad. Along with the mesothelioma, cirrhosis and Madonna's Disease. Making it up, what makes you think I'm making it up? The Internet wouldn't lie to me...would it?"

An Important Notification !

From: Virgin Media Billing Center Centre (Virgin is based in the UK, twatface)
To: mrfarty@blueyonder.co.uk (Mr Farty isn't the account holder)
Subject: An Important Notification ! (Space before a punctuation mark? Come on!)
Date: 23 Aug 2008 10:28
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Customer: (Why so formal? Just call me Mr Farty!)

We apologize apologise (see above) if u you (txt spk in a formal document? I dnt thnk so!) had any trouble accessing our services. In the last month we have worked day and night, (no comma needed) for the improvement of our services. We want to do our best, and make it as simple as possible for us, but especially for you, our valued customer. From the beginning of this year we have had a big number of solicitations (who still uses that word outside the phishing community?) and because of this it was necessary to replace the old database server with a new one, which has the information (what information?) about our new clients, and where some of our clients are going to get moved. Please verify your information in the (Missing definite article) next 48 hours and to (conjunction in place of a preposition) help us avoid the lock-out of your services. We require all old accounts-holders (we're people, people!) to verify their information on file with us. To verify your account details now, please visit our secure server webform (Is that a word?) by clicking on (missing preposition) the hyperlink below :

http://kamiserv.biz/ (disguised as)
https://www.virginmedia.com/update/info/myaccount

If you choose to ignore our request, you leave us no choice but to temporary temporarily (Jeez, Louise, don't tell me you trust a spellchecker!) suspend your account. (I think I'll risk it.) We appreciate your business and hope to keep you as a customer for life.

Virgin Media Online is so easy; no wonder it's number one ! (There's that extra space again)
We apologize apologise (UK, not US) for any inconvenience.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thank You for using Virgin Media^TM

Please note: Virgin Media will Never (Leading Caps In Mid-Sentence) ask for (missing preposition again!!) your credit card ATM pin. Don't give it to anyone. (Don't worry. I won't.)



©2008 Virgin Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved^TM

Lies, Damned Lies and Wetherspoons

I wonder why I get so many visits from perverts? It's not as if I'm forever banging on about pounding, drilling, asian babes, hardcore and that.





It's like you can't believe anything you read on the intertubes anymore. Why, just today as our bus circled the Lizzie Brice roundabout in Livingston, I wondered WTF is/was Lizzie Brice? So I googled her and found that she was burned at the stake as the last witch in Scotchland. She died of old age in 1865 aged 89, so there wouldn't have been much to burn.

Oh, but hang on. The last witch in Scotland was burned at the stake in 1722. Or possibly in 1657. Or in 1727. Or what about Helen Duncan, who was convicted of witchcraft in 1944? That's the thing about witches, they won't stay dead.

The reason we were in Livingston was to visit our Eldest Grandson. Had a nice meal, went for a wander round the shops. Nipped into Wetherspoons to get a cup of tea, a capperchi capuch another cup of tea and a Coke. Well, I went inside while Mrs F sat outside with EG. "Is one of your party under 18?" asked the snooty barman.

"Er, yes, but what's that got to do with it? I'm not buying alcohol after all."

"Doesn't matter, the law says that because these are licensed premises, if one of you is under 18 then I can only serve you if you're buying at least one meal."

Aye, right. So we went next door to the licensed Chicago Rock Cafe, with EG in tow, walked up to the bar and bought our drinks with no trouble whatsoever.

Funny, that.

Stay tuned for Farty's Friday Chart, coming your way in just over half an hour. I'm off to watch Charlotte Church.

Toot toot!

What Have You Done Today To Make You Feel Proud?

While reading an article on Slashdot about a cheap NASA spaceship this week, I learned to my surprise that Dr Alan Weston invented bungee jumping in 1979. Unless you count ignorant savages and that, who were doing it 1500 years ago.

Now, as we all know, Al Gore invented the Internet, John Keogh invented the wheel and I invented fire. Just now. How about you? What amazing invention have you come up with that everyone's been using since the dawn of time no-one has ever thought of before?

Domestic Bliss

Mrs Farty has decided she'd rather have a shower cubicle than a bath - whatever a "bath" is - so we've been shopping around and found just the thing. We've found a reputable plumber, i.e. one we've used before who didn't rip us off, and he set to work today carefully removing the old bath. (We can probly get a few bob for it on on eBay.)

Then he took one look at the floorboards and said, "These are rotten, look!" And ripped one out with his bare hand. Sure enough, we remembered the bathroom flooding a few years ago after the drain pipe worked loose from the bath, but thought we'd managed to dry it out with a dehumidifier running flat out for two weeks. Wrong.

Not only are the floorboards rotten, so are a couple of the joists supporting them. I had a momentary mental image of Mrs Farty, sitting in the bath, crashing through the floor and into our neighbour's living room. "Air hellair, jahst thort Ay'd drope een four a cappa tea, don't-choo-know?" Then I remembered we live on the ground floor.

A quick phone call to the insurers confirmed our worst fears: "If you check the small print in the policy, you'll see that you're not covered for fraud. Nyer nyer nyer."

So we called a joiner, who raced around to Farty Towers toot sweet to assess the damage - about £240 plus labour. Plus parts. Plus callout fee.

Perhaps I should arrange an electrician, glazier and painter while I'm at it?

Olympics-Free-Zone

Having thought long and hard about this, and also because I have trouble spelling Olympics, I have decided to make this blog an Olympics-Free Zone. It's the least I can do. Well, I suppose I could do less, like not mention China's illegal occupation of Tibet at all. Meh.

Anyway. That's it. No more mention of the Olymics¹ here.

Unless they show any beach volleyball.


Or female gymnastics.


There has to be some room for give and take.

¹ I told you so.

Naughty Kitteh

Inspired by an actual letter email sent to a blogger who wishes to remain anonymous, see here.

Extreme Blogging

From: Your Insurance Company
To: Mr Farty
Subject: Additional Premiums

Dear Mr Farty,

It has come to our attention that you are involved in the pursuit popularly known as "blogging". Given the recent reclassification of blogging as a dangerous sport¹, we have reluctantly been obliged to review our pricing structure.

With immediate effect, your premiums will be increased by the amount of one hundred pounds per month. You need take no action; we shall automatically advise your bank to adjust your direct debit accordingly.

If you should decide to relinquish blogging, please contact us immediately to have your premiums readjusted.

Yours Sincerely,
Nigel Goldsmith CDM
Accredited Insurance Adjustor

¹ Thousands Struck Down In Heisenblog Pandemic

Farty's Ten Rules Of Blogging

I've just had this brilliant and totally original idea. And anyone who says otherwise can sue me.

1. Keep it short. Or at least interesting. Nobody wants to hear about your 1,000 favourite cheeses, trust me on this.
   


2. Never blog while pissed. Or pissed off. There's this "save as draft" option, I never remember to use it till it's too late.


3. Oh, but never, ever delete a post. That is so annoying.


4. Keep it funny. This is my advice to you. I am naturally funny, but you should work on it. Except, well, you know who you are.




6. Don't take yourself too seriously.


7. Comments are indeed bliss. Sometimes they're better than the original post (don't even think about it, John).


8. A picture paints a thousand words. Choose them carefully.
   


9. Don't worry that you've got "nothing to write about". That's what memes are for. I mean this in a good way.


10. Don't take everything personally. Bollocks. It's your blog. Web-log. Online journal. Diary. How much more personal can it get, FFS? If you're posting comments in someone else's blog, remember what goes around, comes around. So be nice.


11. Window dressing. It's up to you. Tired Dad is just as funny as BOSSY; they just look different. It's content that matters.


12. Everything is permitted. Nothing is true.