Farty's Fortunes

Saturday, 11 October 2008

100 Things About Me

Apparently you're supposed to use your 100th blog post to share 100 things about yourself with your readers. I must have missed that tweet. Whatever a tweet is. Ah well, better late - 304 posts late - than never. Now the question is: who will get bored and give up first - you or me?

1. I love Nadine Coyle off Girls Aloud.

2. Except her speaking voice.

3. I always think that Irish people sound too whiny.

4. Except if they're from the Southern end.

5. Like Lisa Burke off Sky News weather.

6. That's the only thing I miss about not getting the Sky channels with cable any more.

7. I never watched Lost anyway.

8. Another thing I don't like is Brussels Sprouts.

9. I use to dislike apricots, because the fuzzy skin gave me the creeps.

10. Which is odd, because I always loved peaches.

11. But then, for years the only peaches I ever ate came from a tin.

12. Yes, I am that old.

13. I love apricots now, the skin doesn't bother me any more.

14. I still hate sprouts.

15. Does 14 count as a different thing from 8?

16. Do I care?

17. Yes, a bit. I'm way too analytic about trivia.

18. Haha. I said anal.

19. Did I mention I have a very short attention span?

20. Apparently not.

21. Also, did I mention I have a very short attention span?

22. Must resist temptation to click away and play that Aha song again.

23. Too late. *clicky*

24. That's better.

25. Crikey, a quarter of the way through already.

26. What can I nick off of Blissfully Caffeinated?

27. I could read by the age of five.

28. On my first week at school, I so astonished the teacher that she thought I must be reciting the reading book from memory.

29. So she fetched today's paper and got me to read that to the primary 7 (12 year old) class, just to embarrass them.

30. Never mind that it embarrassed me too.

31. Thankfully, I remember nothing of that episode, and only have my mum's word for it now.

32. And she's dead, so really you just have my word for it.

33. I wonder if she made it up or if I just imagined that she told me?

34. She also told me she was a witch, which I totally believed.

35. So you'd better not question the authenticity of 29, or you'll turn into a slug.

36. I'm an Aries.

37. But we're naturally sceptical, so I don't go in for that astrology crap.

38. Kind of negates 35, doesn't it?

39. The only kind of braces I've worn were to keep my trousers up.

40. I'm surprised I got this far through the list before resorting to html.

41. Oh. I forgot about 261. Told you I had a short attention span.

42. Right. I need a cup of tea...

43. I like Assam best.

44. Oh! Oh! Something slightly less boring. When I was 12, my class went on a school cruise on the Nevasa, which was so fooking huge it bumped into Leith docks on the way out and made a huge dent in our cabin. A bench which had been bolted to the wall inner hull snapped right off.

45. On the crossing from Embra to Norway I was sick as a dog.

46. Which is really not pleasant.

47. The only choice of drinks available to 12-year-olds was tea or coffee.

48. The tea was abominable.

49. The coffee? Slightly less so.

50. It was two years before I could look another cup of tea in the face.

51. Teacups don't generally have faces. I know.

52. Woot! Past the halfway mark already, and there's still plenty stuff I can steal off BC.

53. I have no idea why I used the word "woot" there. AFAIK it means "want one of those". Meh.

54. I get the feeling I'm being drawn into another culture, with its own language.

55. Like woot, AFAIK, Meh and awesome.

56. This is not how I was brought up.

57. I was told off at school for saying: "Ah ken!" when the teacher asked the class a question.

58. She said the correct phrase was: "I know".

59. But she kent what Ah meant.

60. Standards appear to have slipped somewhat in the past 45 years, I may have to write in to the Daily Telegraph and lodge a complaint.

61. I have never written in to any newspaper.

62. I did write in to radio stations a couple of times.

63. The first time was to BBC Radio 2. In green ink. For some reason I didn't put any address on the postcard. I think I may have thought the Post Office was clever enough to work it out for themselves from the text.

64. They didn't read it out.

65. I may have been stoned at the time.

66. Actually? Almost definitely.

67. After hearing Nick Drake sing the very short song Place To Be, late one night on the radio, I went out the next day and bought The Complete Recorded Works.

68. The other time (see 62) was to Radio Forth, as it was then known.

69. That one did get read out on air, but it was totally misinterpreted.

70. How it came out was: Modern marriages never last; we've been married six months; so play us a song before she chucks me out.

71. What I meant was: Even though modern marriages never seem to last, we've been married a whole six months already and we're still going strong, so nyah nyah nyah. Now play us a fooking record.

72. Maybe I should have used that exact wording, just to be totally unambiguous.

73. Shouldn't the opposite of ambiguous be monoguous?

74. This is harder than it looks. I'm off to steal another one. BRB.

75. Before that, BRB means "be right back". I should have looked that one up a long time before I did.

76. LOL.

77. I have three brothers, but my sister has four. I don't think that's weird.

78. Time travel is weird, OTOH. But I've blogged about that before.

79. Well, now I have.

80. And whatever happened to "I before E except after C"? Eh? Eh?

81. I'm a big fan of science. I love the idea that at any moment some amazing discovery will completely change our whole perception of reality.

82. Or destroy the universe.

83. Science is pretty scary, actually.

84. There was this science fiction story once about someone who invented a machine that allowed you to view any event at any point in space or time, but because of some stupid quantum effect like Heisenberg uncertainty the further you went back in time (or presumably the further away from here), the fuzzier the picture became, so people ended up spying on their neighbours in real time. I would buy one of those.

85. Also, computers? I've loved them since as long as I can remember. Which is about three minutes, but anyway.

86. In 1977 I read a report by the AAAS which predicted that within ten years scientists would have figured out how to implant tiny computer chips into our brains to make us all into super-geniuses. Yeah, way to go, youse boffins! You don't look so smart now!

87. Of course maybe all the scientists are super-geniuses now and they're keeping the technology to themselves. Selfish super-genius bastards.

88. You're not still reading this crap, are you?

89. This is post number 404. I was originally going to title it "Post 404 Not Found" and leave the text completely blank.

90. When I took my first "proper" job as a computer operator, it was a stop-gap thing until I learned my way around computers, then I would become a programmer.

91. I stayed in that job for fourteen years.

92. In that time, programmers went way down in my estimation.

93. All the good programmers are super-geniuses living with their scientist chums on a secret invisible island in the mid-Pacific.

94. With robot fembot servants.

95. And weather control, so they never get hit by hurricanes or that.

96. We get left with the dregs. Point. Click. Oops.

97. If they could do their jobs properly, I wouldn't have one.

98. So I suppose I shouldn't complain.

99. But man, I'd love to be on that Pacific island right now.

100. Oh. Finished. I win.

1 I inserted the Aha link after reaching 100, so that doesn't count.

20 comments:

blissfullycaffeinated said...

Mr. Farty-

On some level I feel that I should be offended that you have essentially ripped off my entire blog post. I mean, some of your entries were just cut and pasted from my site onto yours. And then spruced up with words like "fook" and "ken" and "mum."

But then you linked to me, and used that cute Scottish jargon of yours, and my cold little heart melted. I just couldn't stay mad. Not at you, dear Mr. Farty.

Also, I too enjoy Nick Drake.

Sincerely,
Blissfully Caffeinated

Mr Farty said...

BC - Aw, bless. I'm totally putting you on my blogroll right now.

blissfullycaffeinated said...

Also, what the frick is a parp?

Mr Farty said...

*sigh* Look it up.

If I had a penny for every time someone asked me that, I'd have twopence by now.

blissfullycaffeinated said...

More of that crazy, scottish jargon.

Haggis!!

Mr Farty said...

Jings! Crivvens! Help ma boab!

(I've never yet met anyone who uses any of those popular Scottish expressions, except ironically.)

Laurie said...

Tsk. Another Brussel sprout bigot. I hope you're not biased against all Brassicas...

Funny post. You and blissfullycaffeinated both.

#Debi said...

re:
#26--You could have used some of those Airplane! pictures...I like Airplane!...

#78--Did I mention to you that the books I'm reading that have Jacobites in them also have time travel in them? And, get this, they are trashy romance novels! With Jacobites! :)

Middle Aged Woman said...

Ah dinnae ken wha tha teacher was on aboot.

Laurie said...

@Debi - I hope you're reading Diana Gabaldon's Outlander series, because if not, someone is plagiarizing her stories!

VE said...

The USA did implant those computer chips...but didn't tell us. They're gathering data...

AtomicLaura said...

I am that nerdy girl who lingers in the fringes...
I read all this just to see if 'Farty Towers' was an ode to Fawlty Towers, and some clue as to why you go by Mr. Farty.
a good read, nonetheless

Mr Farty said...

Laurie - Cabbage, broccoli, cauliflower, barf!

#Debi - Airplane! was pretty cool, I'll admit.
Oh, books about time travel, hurrah! But trashy romance, not so much. Even with Jacobites.

There was a Jacobite character in Doctor Who for a while.

MAW - No bad fer a Merkan!

Laurie - Noted. I'll look it up.

*clicky*

What an amazing coincidence, he has the same first name and home time as Doctor Who's former companion. Ah.
"Best selling author Diana Gabaldon, author of the Outlander series, admits that her character Jamie Fraser was inspired by Doctor Who's Jamie."
Now who's plagiarising?

VE - Time to don the tinfoil hats!

Laura - Yes. And someone calls me Farty in real life.

#Debi said...

@Laurie: Yes, that's them...

john.g. said...

You're mad mon! Fooking mad!

Jacki said...

Congrats on reaching 300+ posts!

Mr Farty said...

John - Your point?

Jacki - 400+ ackshully. And thanks.

Middle Aged Woman said...

I'm practicing for when I can finally come to the auld ancestral haim (Thirlestane). Grandmaither was a Maitland, though we found out that 300 years earlier, they were Matalano! Bloody Italians!

But really, husband's family and mine are both Scots and someday we'll visit! I love pickin' up accents.

Sewmouse said...

"Cabbage, broccoli, cauliflower, barf!"

But Farty dear... all those cruciferous contain goitrogens and nitriles. While some say that these substances inhibit iodine in the system - the truth of the matter is that while they do, in fact, do that, they also fuel some of the most dangerous, aromatic and vouminous "parps" you can imagine.

Think of them as a "flame-thrower Enhancer".

Mr Farty said...

MAW - That's braw! And it means "Maw" is an entirely appropriate nickname.

Sew - Mrs Farty would have to sleep with a clothes-peg on her nose to help her make it through the night!