Farty's Fortunes

Wednesday, 14 January 2009

I Prefer To Think Of Them As "Coworkers"

Apparently anyone who drinks more than seven cups of coffee a day is three times more likely to have hallucinations, i.e. "seeing things that were not there, hearing voices, and sensing the presence of dead people". I need at least that much just to wake up. And the voices are usually saying, "Why does that guy have to pee in a bucket? Is the men's toilet blocked again?"

Graham Stringer, MP says that dyslexia doesn't exist and is merely a creul fcition invented to cover up pore teeching. He also claims that theirs no Santa, there never was any weapon's of mass destrucshun in Irack and piracy is not responsible for keeping global warming in cheque. Wotevs, Graeme!

Hands up who didn't laugh when they heard that five pirates drowned while making their getaway with a $3 million ransom? Now there's kaaaarrrrma!

And shock, horror! New research shows that three days of normal human farts cause the same amount of damage to the planet as a Google search. Unless we capture the farts, light them and use the energy to boil a kettle for a nice cup of coffee while we surf the interwebs.

Finally, take a look at this and say: "Awwwwwwwwwwww!"


Now go to your documents and post the 6th picture in your 6th file.

Toot toot!


Grit said...

at first, i couldn't quite believe the perfect shakespearean full circle of that moment of pirate watery fate. i reckon there was conspiratorial work done under their boats.

Mr Farty said...

Grit - I'd like to think their boat capsized under the weight of the ransom money, but it washed ashore with at one of the pirate's bodies. His family are busy drying it out. Class.

I've Been Mugged said...

I thought it sunk because of the massive weight of his doubloons? I'm guessing the family may be attempting to locate, and dry them out too! Probly shriveled up by now I would imagine.

Lesley said...

Coffee, peeing in a bucket, drowned pirates and three days of farts?? All in the same post? My god, THIS BLOG IS A DREAM COME TRUE.


P.S.S. Awwww. Little red-haird boop.

Liz said...

If three days of normal farting damage the atmosphere, I hate to think what mine are doing to it!

I work in an FE college and there is a young lady studying in the curriculum centre that I support whose dyslexia assessment was "off the scale" according to her tutor. She has the world's pushiest parents. I'd like to see Graham Stringer have a discussion with Mrs Double-Barrelled shouty mum about whether or not dyslexia exists. In a straight fight, my money would be on shouty mum.

Sir Bruin said...

By my reckoning, globally, that would give 729,600,000,000 Google searches per year. Get a receipt for your botty burps!

Welsh Girl said...

OOh aargh! They should have got a bigger boat.....

Mr Farty said...

IBM - Oh, the aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrony!

Lesley - Eat your heaaarrrrt out!

I miss the little red-head. P.S.

Liz - Yay for shouty mums! Now I remember why I chose not to take up teaching.

Sir B - Zounds! I could power the internets!

Taffeta - LOL! Good one.

Liz said...

I've just seen shouty mum's daughter crying in the corridor. This can only mean trouble ...

I wonder how much energy could be generated if we wired shouty mum's jaw up to the national grid?

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

6th picture in 6th file, starting from where?

Now then, redheads. Stick any other accent on them and they're nerds. But if they open their mouth and a Scots accent comes oot .... gorgeous. A wee heartbreaker in the making there.

Mr Farty said...

Liz - Just wire it shut FFS!

Daffers - I had to shuffle my files, the first time I tried this I only had three pictures in the 6th file.

Grandson #3 there has a mostly South African accent with a hint of Scotch. And lives in NZ. He'll do fine.