Queen Faces Sacking

The Queen was last night facing calls for her abdication after referring to a Labour politician as a "dreadful little oik" on her Facebook page.

Off With His Head

Her Majesty is believed to have called for the summary execution of Peter White, Labour candidate for Havering council, after a brief show trial for treason against the Crown.

"One cannot have these dreadful little oiks running around calling one a German parasite," said The Queen, 83. "Throw him in the Tower and make an example of him. Let's have him hung, drawn and quartered, like that Guy Fawkes chap, then hold a public holiday to celebrate the event. That would cheer one up immensely."

All Sound and Fury

Mr C. Windsor, a resident of Clarence House, London, described Her Majesty's attitude as "totally unacceptable", insisting that "Mumsy, er, that is The Queen, should stand down and let me, er, someone more in touch with one's subjects, take his rightful place on the throne. And Camilla agrees."

Flying Colours

At last the Red Arrows flying team have acquired a female member, hurrah!

It's tempting to say she's there to make the tea, or to pass a comment about women drivers, but honestly, I'm very impressed.

You go, girl!

Priceless

So. After the burglary, we found the bedroom strewn with the contents of the filing cabinet, which we hastily threw into a couple of boxes for later sorting. Which is what I've been doing today.

What a load of junk.

Receipts dating back to 1998, guarantees long since expired, instructions for a Soda Stream FFS. Any amount of old credit card statements going back to the dawn of time (and yes, aware of identity fraud, I had the cards cancelled on Sunday night).

And then I found this letter. I don't normally put my name up in lights on the interwebs, but in this case I'll make an exception.



Opening it, I found this beautiful picture.


And turning it over, this important document.


Some thing are irreplaceable. Thank FSM he didn't get this.

Keep Your Shed Secure

Those of you not on Twitter may not have been aware that Farty Towers was burgled over the weekend, hence the not-keeping-up-with NaBloPoMo. Sorry.

Yes, they caught him and no, it was too late, he'd already sold our stuff. Jewellery, camera, ice axe (really), baby clothes (WTF?), booze. Weird thing was he'd picked up and moved, unopened, a bag labelled "Barclays Diamonds" containing LMF and DB's wedding rings. Those are now in a bank vault.

Anyway, the Crime Prevention Officer was here today and as part of his security advice, mentioned that garden forks and that are handy tools for breaking into a house, so you need to keep your shed secure too.

On the leaflet he left with us it says, "Recommend hostile/aggressive plants around perimeter fences and boundary walls".

What do you reckon?

Farty's Friday Chart

Haven't done this for a while. Look at the picture and...



...name that tune.

Mouse over the picture if you're really stuck.

Off Their Crusts

So on the one hand Threshers are to close hundreds of stores and on the other, proper scienticians like Professor David Nutt saying that cannabis and LSD are less harmful than tobacco and alcohol and should therefore be decriminalised.

Is it just me or are the off-licence retailers missing a trick here? The phrase, "I'm just nipping down to the shops for some tabs" could take on a whole new meaning. Think of all the new tax revenue the government could raise, without worrying about cirrhosis, lung cancer, heart disease and all the shit that goes with fags and booze eating up hospital budgets.

But don't send the kids to get your skunk, just in case they come back with the wrong thing.

Paved With Good Inventions

It says here that the best scientific invention of all time was the X-Ray machine. And the TV and mobile phone never even made the top ten? Sure...

More interestingly, No. 5 on the list is the V2 rocket. You know, the successor to the Doodlebug. The one that killed thousands in London during the Blitz and thousands more prisoners of war during its manufacture. Great invention, that. Who made up the shortlist, Adolf Hitler?

Also, hands up who's even heard of the Pilot Ace Computer? Exactly. I call shenanigans.

My own top five inventions for their "impact on the past, present and future"?

1. The Time Machine. Because I wanna fight Morlocks.


2. The Faster-Than-Light Drive. Saves all that hassle of waiting years to get to your destination.


3. The Anisokinetic Punch. Transmits force through a 90° angle. Pretty cool.


4. Soylent Green. Tasty and nutritious, yum!


5. Multivac. The greatest computer ever, except for maybe Deep Thought.

Who said they had to be real?

The Oldest Face in Scotchland

Scienticians recently unearthed what is described as The Oldest Face in Scotchland.

The 5000-year-old stone carving was found in Orkney, which is that bunch of islands up at the top of Scotchland. Somebody must have had really sharp eyes to spot it: it's fooking tiny.

It went on display in Embra Castle and loads of people paid a fortune to come and see it. They could have saved themselves the trouble - you can see Ming Campbell at his Fife constituency any time you like (except when he's fiddling his expenses in London). He's richt auld. Heh.

Oldest Face

Ming Campbell

Anyway, it's gone on tour with Rod Stewart or something. More details here.

Living In The Future

Busted - The Year 3000.

So I went to the future but it wasn't so great. All of the chicks, although pretty fine, turned out to be my own great-great-great-grand-daughters. Which kinda sucked.

The Earth had had its axis straightened so that we could have BST all year round, but that had melted what was left of the polar ice caps and put all the ski instructors out of a job.

The Earth was, of course, flooded, but that was ok because the scienticians had worked out how to give everybody gills so they could live underwater. Oh, and since people were pretty bored with eating fish every day, they'd bio-engineered squid to taste like chicken.

Oh and Jedward's seventh album had gone multi-platinum, so it was just as well that ears had been done away with. Innit?

Xtraordinary

So it's that time of year again, when the clocks go back and we need something entertaining to brighten up our long winter evenings. Sadly, we're stuck with Strictly Come Dancing¹ and The X Factor².

On the one hand we have well-loved tunes being mauled by some half-wit who thinks it's a good idea to randomly cut out half the lines to fit the song into half the time and on the other hand, yep, exactly the same thing.

Strictly isn't terrible, with the exception of Brucie's jokes, but oh, deary me, what is it with Jedward on The X Factor? Instead of gradually improving week by week, under the careful supervision of their mentor, like any normal contestant, they seem to revel in sinking further and further into the mire of publicity-happy mediocrity. Like Jade Goody, Kerry Katona and Barrack O'Bama(sp?), they are famous simply for being famous.

I'll admit that at the start, I said I'd stop watching if the terrible twins made it onto the live show, but now there's a morbid fascination with the anticipation of which classic they're going to murder next. And last night they hit a new nadir with Queen's "We Will Rock You".

I'm not saying we should form vigilante squads armed with duct tape and ball gags. No, wait. That's exactly what I'm saying. We could replace them with a pair of shaving brushes and no-one would be the wiser. Well, Simon might comment on the massive improvement in their performance, but that's about it.

Boydrone and Westlifeless have a natural successor.

¹ Merkans read "Dancing With The Stars".
² Merkans read "American Idol".