More of the White Stuff

Edinburgh Botanical Gardens. In the snow.

To the Caff!

Spot the squirrel

Edinburgh skyline

Gap in the trees

That squirrel again.

Snow, Snow, Thick Thick Snow

As the title of this blog says, it's better oot than in. So on New Year's Day I took my brand new camera out for it's first field test. The only processing I've done on these is cropping a couple to size. Click to embiggen and feel free to use as wallpaper etc. as long as it's not for commercial purposes.

Winter Wood

So we finally got some snow this week and I was quick enough to get out there with the, er, camera phone, sorry, and get these snaps just a few minutes' walk from Embra's city centre. Enjoy.

Random News

Salt.

We're all out of it, apparently. I blame the burglars. They must have sneaked in through an open window when we were off to that burglary summit with Jacqui Smith yesterday. Now what the feck are we supposed to put on our fish and chips?

There is no shoe.

President-baiting seems to be the new fashion, with shoes flying thick and fast when they're around. Unless you happen to be reading Chinese newspapers, which oddly failed to mention when their own premier was shooed off (me so funny) mid-speech at Cambridge University.

If you can't blind them with science...

Scienticians have developed a technique to make Gummi Bears out of cancer cells. And make them glow in the dark. Cool. Chocolate-flavoured semen can only be days away.

A question of sport.

If you're watching your favourite game, would you rather it was interrupted by porn or adverts? Personally, I couldn't care less, unless it's something really important, like ITV's coverage of the O.J. Verdict.

Beavers returning to Scotchland.

They're cute, they're furry, they're wet and they smell of fish. What's not to love? Also, some wild animals that were hunted to extinction four hundred years ago have been reintroduced to Scotch habitats. I can't wait to get my binoculars out and go for a bit of beaver spotting at the shower block of Embra University's female halls of residence.

Restraining order permitting.

Toot toot!

British Summer Time

So where's the summer then?



Oh, right. British Summer Time.

*Sigh*

Spot The Difference

Forecast: Up to 10cm of snow in Embra over Easter.

Actuality:
And I needed a fast shutter speed to catch even that much.

Forecast: The baggage handling system at Heathrow Terminal 5 will handle both intra-terminal and inter-terminal luggage and will actually process 70,000 bags a day.

Actuality: 33 flights cancelled (so far) on day one and three flights took off with no baggage at all after the entire baggage system crashed.

Andrew Lloyd Webber:

Andrew Lloyd Weber:

Embra In Winter

Embra has been caught in the worst blizzard this century, it was horrendous man, etc.

Er...

Anyway, I dashed out quickly before it had a chance to melt and captured these pictures of Embra Castle in the snow. Fab.

As usual, click to enlarge and feel free to take a copy for your screensaver.

Five Things

This meme came from Misssy over at The Misssy M Misssives. Looks like a lot more than five to me, but I never was too good at sums and that, so here goes...

What were you doing ten years ago?

1. 1997 was the first time, except for a very brief trip to Glenshee, that I went skiing on proper snow. There was a works outing to Andorra, so I took Little Miss Farty along for the ride. It's the first - and last - time I skiied on a black run. I know it was 1997, cos I saw observed comet Hale-Bopp at its closest approach from the top of the Pyrenees. With binoculars wot my bruvva had gave me.



2. I met the girl who broke my heart for the very.last.time. She was up in Scotchland to pick up a fridge, as you do, and stopped off in Embra for a visit. We just sat and chatted, in a bar, for an hour, about nothing in particular, but by the time she left, the empty place inside of me, which had been aching for ever so long, had been healed. Which was nice.



3. I discovered the Slippery Nipple, which despite what it says in the Urban Dictionary is Baileys and Sambuca, in the same glass but not mixed.


4. I learned something about flash photography. Take a glass of Sambuca, set light to it, then dip your middle finger in the glass and hold your flaming finger up while someone photographs it. Try it, that's all I'm saying.



5. And didn't Princess What's-her-face decide to drop out of public view that year? Mrs Farty and I left flowers at the Scotch Monument, since everybody else was doing it. And had a wee greet. Shut up.

What were you doing one year ago?

1. Working my butt off on a certain merger. 12-hour shifts, sometimes 7 days a week, hence not much else.



2. I got sick with that winter vomiting bug, probly related to the above, and took a week off work. I would have been climbing the walls with boredom, except that...



3. I found that my new works laptop had full internet access.



4. So I spent my time off work reading Non-Working Monkey's blog from Day One to present day. Is that what they call cyber-stalking?



5. But back in January, I spent the New Year drinking Amarula beside the braai while the kids splashed in the outdoor swimming pool. Guess where? Not Embra, oddly enough.

Five Songs you know the lyrics to:

Oh, now that's hard, I just like to hum along...

1. American Pie by Don McLean. My sister-in-law brought the album (vinyl!!!) back from the USA for me in, feck, a while ago. 1974?



2. Leaving On A Jet Plane by Peter, Paul and Mary. Long before I ever heard of John Denver.



3. Even In The Quietest Moments by Supertramp. (You might want to fast-forward the first couple of minutes.) A good friend of mine was in a band that played a superb instrumental version of this, but they had trouble memorising the lyrics. So I bought it, learned it and, er, oh yes, I forgot that I can't sing. Bummer.



4. Mr Blue Sky by ELO. Trivia note - the girl with the magic smile in this video is the late, great Rosie Vela.



5. Hollaback Girl by Gwen Stefani. What? A bloke can't be hep with the modern groove? Man.

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:

1. Give a big chunk to Greenpeace.



2. Emigrate. Abroad, probly. Somewhere warm. Like. You know. SA or NZ.



3. But not before buying a walk-on part in Doctor Who. How cool would that be? Way cool.



4. Take up blogging full time.



5. You think I'm kidding with 4. I'm not.

Five bad habits:

Only five?

1. Picking my nose. I love a good root around. Surely it's no coincidence that the human nostril is exactly the same size as the Pinky?



2. Snoring, apparently. Mrs Farty accuses me of it, but I've stayed awake all night to check and never once heard myself snore.



3. Hitting the snooze button too many times, then being in a mad dash to get up for work.



4. Speaking before I think.



5. Spending way too much time busy blogging.

Five things you like to do:

1. Blogging. Well, that's a given, innit?



2. Playing Go.



3. Reading Science Fiction. The Good Stuff, like this.



4. Take nice photographs. Not many people know this, but I now have a Flikr(sp?) account. I promise I'll put some more pix up real soon now.



5. Make banoffee pie. Gosh, I haven't done that since, erm, Sunday.

Five things you will never wear again:

1. My cowboy boots. I bought them on my first trip to Merka. Oh yeah, I visit Merka all the time. Four times in fifty years, if you count that weekend in June. Anyway, they were too tight on my poor toes even then. But I do still sometimes wear the cowboy hat (when I think nobody's looking). Gen. You. Wine. Leather.



2. Old Spice. wtf was I thinking?



3. Ribbons in my hair. *sob*



4. A bungee harness. It's like this. One year, Mrs Farty and I went to Blackpool with her siblings, spouses (spice?) and that. We went on nearly every ride. We nearly went on the dodgems (bumper cars); we nearly went on the water slide; we nearly went on the roller-coaster; we never actually went on anything. Everyone was like, "oh, yes, I'll go on if you do". Yeah, right. So the next time we went, I decided to have a go anyway. Not one of those scaredy-cats would go on with me, so it was just me. I went on the Slingshot ride. Gosh, it was such fun! I had to go on the Pepsi Max Rollercoaster just to calm my nerves afterwards.



5. Any kind of leather jacket. No reason, I just don't like them very much.

Five favourite toys:

1. My wee moby.



2. My hand blender. See banoffee pie. Whipped cream in 30 seconds flat.



3. Wumpy, my toy rabbit from when I was, like, wee. Long since disintegrated, but I still remember when he had two eyes. And one ear. And a tail.



4. My Sonic Screwdriver. Really.



5. My blog. Does that count? I play with it enough.

Five things you hate to do:

1. Stop to change batteries. I was thinking of my camera, but you can read what you like into this one, eh girls?



2. Say goodbye to friends.



3. Get up on cold, dark mornings. Boo!



4. Work night shift. Thought I'd gotten away from that one 16 years ago, but I still get roped into it now and then.



5. Diet? Exercise? Hmmm...I'll go for a long walk quite happily. Diet, then. I couldn't forego chocolate.

I'm not tagging anyone in particular, but if you do decide to pick this one up, drop me a line. Ta.

White Christmas

Reading Misssy's post about Xmas made me go all misty-eyed. Not for the shite Xmasses we get in Scotchland, where you have to light the fire two hours before you get up in order to avoid getting hypothermia whilst preparing Xmas lunch; where you have to shine a torch on the clock face to tell when it's time to turn on the telly for the Queen's Speech, cos it's so frigging dark at three o'clock in the fecking afternoon; where the best present you can hope for is a lump of coal.

No, I'm talking about South Africa, home of Eldest Daughter, Son-In-Law and Youngest Grandson. Ah, black Santas in full costume in the baking hot malls, sweating their arses off because the aircond's on the blink again. Beaches thronging with bathers who need to take a dip in the sea to cool off in the forty-degree heat. Going for a day-trip to see the animals, and I don't mean the in-laws fighting over the turkey. Just being able to go outside without your sporran icing up.

I'd love to go back there. All donations gratefully accepted.

It could be worse, we could be living in the Scottish Highlands.

Adventures In The Canada Part 5

Where did I get to? Oh, yes, staying in a "static caravan", as LMF calls it. Well, it's definitely static, and I'm assured it can be hitched to a truck and towed off, so yep, that's what it must be. A static caravan. With two bedrooms, a kitchen larger than ours, wide-screen tv, bath, shower, broadband internet in the computer room, separate living room and dining room, porch, the only thing it's missing is the flashing blue light on top and Billie Piper.

Cousin P took the truck and drove us over to Vancouver Island on Tuesday. Hang on, does not compute. Drove us to the ferry terminal. There was a bit of a queue, so we looked in the shop. Holy cow, even more fudge! This time I resisted buying any, or rather my arteries warned me to "step away from the counter and nobody gets hurt".

The sea was calm as a millpond on the way over, although a breeze picked up and kept us from cooking. Lovely view of the tree-covered smaller islands, with snow-capped mountains in the background. Apparently Pamela Anderson was born on the main island, and is planning to open a marina here. Good luck Pammy, you should do well.

Coming off the ferry, P spotted a logging truck and yelled, "That's my son's truck!" We pulled alongside and gave a wave, then we both pulled in to the side and stopped for a natter. Vancouver Island is huge, look it up, what are the chances of running into your son there by chance? Even though he does live there? P was so pleased.

We stopped at Victoria for lunch and a spot of shopping, then headed up to Duncan in the middle of nowhere. P's semi-cousin made us welcome and showed us around her two-storey log cabin, where we watched the humming-birds feed before settling down for the night.

In the morning I topped up the feeder with sugar/water, fighting off the humming-birds while I hung it up. They're not shy around here, I tells ya. Then over to Chamainus where we saw a cat up a tree cougar carved into a tree. And some murals painted onto the sides of the buildings depicting the place's history. And wow, chocolate hedgehogs!

Next stop, Coombs, where we dined to the sound of goats walking on the roof. As you do. Oh, and they had chocolate and fudge and that as well, no wonder heart disease is the biggest killer in the western world. Probly. And a selection of incense sticks, including cannabis, wtf? I think it was round aboot here that I took a picture of Mrs Farty with a bear behind. So to speak.

Finally, up to Tofino. Why's it called that? "'T if I know!" Wandered around again, although it's a bit hilly, and no fecking restaurant would just serve us coffee, they all wanted to give us the full meal. Saw some nice-looking birds. No, eagles as it happens. And more amazing views. Canada is just wall-to-wall scenery.

Oops, it's a six-hour drive back to Duncan. And it's 7pm. Stopped at Long Beach on the way back down anyway, so that Aunty B could dip her toes in the Pacific Ocean. Stayed for an hour, since Greenpeace kept dragging her back into the water. J took over the driving, as a British driving licence gives you authority to drive anywhere in the world. Allegedly. Out of deference to local customs, he drove the whole way on the wrong side of the road, i.e. the right side of the road. Made the six-hour trip in five hours. Oh, and we saw two (separate) black bears by the roadside, but for some reason they ran off when Aunty B shouted "Oh, look! Bears!"

Next: Farty does Merka.

Snow Joke

Not that it ever snows in Embra, but couldn't resist exhuming this oldie in response to Hot Coffee Girl's gripe about the weather in Cleveland (Ohio).

THE DIARY OF AN ENGLISHMAN LIVING IN SCOTLAND ENTITLED "OUR FIRST WINTER"

DEC 20TH Its starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It is so beautiful and peaceful.

DEC 24TH We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white, glistening snow, covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a snow-plough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car, so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.

DEC 26th It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snow plough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish-gray.

JAN 1st Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice when the temerature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars. Fell on my arse in the driveway. Went to a physio but nothing was broken.

JAN 5th Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4x4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing. Had another 8 inches of white shite last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush. That bastard snow-plough came by twice today. Where's that bloody shovel.

JAN 9th More Fucking snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater, which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car hit a Fucking deer on the way to casualty and was written off.

JAN 13th Fucking bastard white shite just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little shits next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back. I'll shove that carrot so far up the little prick's arse it'll take a good surgeon hours to find it. If I ever catch the arsehole that drives the snow-plough I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the bastard hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael Fucking Schumacher and buries the Fucking driveway again.

JAN 17th 16 more sodding inches of Fucking snow and Fucking ice and Fucking sleet and god know what other white shite fell last night. I am in court in 3 months time for assualting the snow-plough driver with an ice pick. Can't move my fucking toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20 and more f-ing snow is forecast.

FUCK THIS I'M MOVING BACK TO LONDON.