Farty's Ecksmas Quiz 2011

Let's have an Ecksmas Quiz!

1. Easy one to start with. Name that choon.


2. Pick the odd one out.
a) The Great Scottish Haggis Hunt.
b) Loch Ness Monster sightings.
c) The Edinburgh Trams.
d) UFOs over Bonnybridge.

Sorry, I got distracted by shiny. Continuing...

3. What famous quote from Independence Day was appropriated by Disney's Tangled? (Clue: You won't find it in IMDB, I just checked.)

4. At what age is it appropriate to ask someone if they still believe in Jesus?

5. What nationality is Andy Murray...
(a) When he wins?
(b) When he loses?

6. What is wrong with this picture? (click to embiggen)
Proving Atheists Wrong With Science #1

7. Better question: What's right with it?

To be continued. Maybe.

Doctor Who Pass Notes (contains spoilers)

Name: The Doctor

Age: Circa 1100 years, although he existed at the birth of the Earth and the end of time.

Appearance: Old/young/middle-aged/young again/truly ancient/young white male. Long/short dark/white/fair hair. Prefers to wear long coats, hats and scarves.

Background: Born on Gallifrey, fairly normal upbringing, then got a bit rebellious and stole borrowed rescued a decommissioned type 40 TARDIS from a scrapyard to explore the universe. Currently has arrest warrants out on ~5000 planets for interfering with causality.

TARDIS? Time And Relative Dimension In Space. A time machine, if you will. Also spaceship. Looks like a 1960s London police call box.

Is he a real doctor? He is a qualified medical practitioner, but has also carried out extensive studies in philosophy, language, physics, mathematics, chemistry, intergalactic law, robotics, vulcanology and cricket. Likes to consider himself a good all-rounder, but still has trouble with basic navigation. Rarely lands the TARDIS on target.

Any friends? Usually has one or more companions, generally human or humanoid but has also been known to carry a tin dog on board. Most companions end up dead or lost in a parallel universe.

Tin dog? K9. A talking mechanical dog, carrying basic armaments and possessing limited intelligence. Almost as lovable as Jar-Jar Binks.

And enemies? Cybermen, Shansheeth, Slitheen, Silence, Gelth, Nestene, Daleks -

Daleks? Giant pepper-pots with a single eye on a stalk. Lacking any depth perception, they tend to bump into things a lot. Perpetually cross as a result.

How does the Doctor deal with his enemies? The Doctor always attempts to talk his way out of trouble by way of peaceful negotiations. When that fails, he usually resorts to genocide. He has utterly destroyed the Daleks on at least four separate occasions, one of which destroyed his own homeworld. Worst. Pest controller. Ever.

What weapons does the Doctor carry? None, although he does own a sonic screwdriver. This is quite handy for turning sonic screws and not much else.

So the Doctor is the last of his kind? The Doctor's home planet was sealed off from the rest of the universe in the Time War with the Daleks. Although his own race, the Time Lords, are essentially extinct, he has a daughter, at least one wife and has dealt with other time-travellers.

He appears human. Only on the outside. On the inside, Time Lords have two hearts. Also, on the frequent occasions on which he gets killed, he is reincarnated or "regenerated" on the spot. Technically, this makes the Doctor a zombie.

Why does the TARDIS resemble a police box? The TARDIS has a chameleon circuit to allow it to blend in with its environment. When we first saw it, it was in 1960s London, so this camouflage worked perfectly. Then the chameleon circuit broke.

Isn't it a bit poky? Like the wardrobe in Narnia and the travelling luggage in Discworld, the TARDIS is bigger on the inside. Be sure to check out the swimming pool, the library, the spiral staircase, the alternate control room and the laundry room.

How does the Doctor communicate with aliens? He just speaks normally. The TARDIS is telepathic and performs automatic translation between all known languages and most unknown ones.

Not to be confused with: Harry Potter.

Do say: "Dock-torrrr!"

Don't say: "Pleased to meet you, Doctor Who!"

When Aliens Attack

According to that bastion for accurate reporting, Fox News, top NASA scientists have predicted an imminent alien attack on mankind. These aliens, who inhabit the planet Algoria, have decided that humans have done enough damage to our own planet via Anthropic Global Warming (AGW) and should be stopped before we melt all the comets in the Oort Cloud or something [sub - please check].



The only way to prevent such an onslaught is for engineers to construct a Humungous Orbital Geostationary Wide Autonomous Shield for Humanity (HOGWASH) to make the Earth appear invisible to outside observers, say these boffins. They estimate that if Congress approves an immediate grant for one billion dollars, that should be enough to fund a proposal to investigate a feasibility study into whether such a shield could be built in time to fend off the attack which could happen ANY DAY NOW!!!

When pressed for details, team leader Professor Huge Grant licked his finger, stuck in the air and announced that it would cost on the order of one trillion dollars per year to keep the shield operational, but on the plus side it would appear completely transparent from Earth. It would also need a constant supply of hookers and blow, for reasons which the team are still working out the details. Oh, yes it will.

Harry Potter was unavailable for comment.

Give Generously

I give and I give and I give and still you want more. You're like a bunch of zombie vampires or something. Sorry, I've been immersed in another blog and some of it seems to have rubbed off.

So. What have I missed?

Well, for one thing, the fuckwitted city council of Birmingham (not Alabama, the other one) have seen fit to ban apostrophes from their signage. Apparently the cost of reintroducing them would be astronomical. Maybe I can help out. Hey, Brum! Here, have some apostrophes! '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

While were on the subject, whats the correct spelling of the half-street that runs through Embra city centre?
Thats right - Princes Street. Named after the two sons of Mad King George III. No apostrophe needed. Your welcome.

You have no idea how hard it is for me not to go back and punctuate that paragraph.

Mrs F decided we should buy a bassinet for Little Miss Farty's baby, due in August.
Me: So we're going to play it soothing music?
Mrs F: WTF?
Me: I've heard that's good for developing fœtuses.
Mrs F: What exactly do you think a bassinet is?
Me: Er, some kind of musical instrument?
Mrs F: How did you arrive at that conclusion?
Me: It's a cross between a bassoon and a clarinet, innit?



I wonder which part you blow?

Did you know New England isn't actually a US state? I didn't.


An atheist campaign group was cleared to run ads on London buses claiming that there's probably no God. Christians wanted the ads banned on the grounds of substantiation and truthfulness, but the ASA ruled that the ad wasn't misleading, because they used the word 'probably'. Now the backlash - Christians want to place ads saying there is a God. Won't they have to prove it first?


On the subject of invisible flying things, did you hear about the Lincolnshire wind turbine that was hit by a UFO? According to The Sun, "there was no trace of one of the turbine’s three huge 65ft blades." Until it turned up a few feet away. And in order to hit two of the blades, any object must have been about 170 feet long. Er...unless the blades were rotating. Its It's all very mysterious.

Moving Pictures

So last night I was banished from Farty Towers for the evening, as Mrs F had a medium coming over to fleece her and her girlfriends hold a séance. Not the world's best psychic, I must point out, as she was due to bring her weegie board last weekend but had to cancel at the last minute due to unforeseen circumstances. Way to go, Derek Acorah! I think the reason I was expelled had something to due with malign influences aka uncontrollable laughter, which can understandably be a bit of a distraction when you're trying to summon the devil. Or whatever.

So I went to the cinema. The first one I visited had naff all on that I even remotely wanted to see, so I stormed out in a huff and went to the Odeon. While I was in the lobby deciding what to watch, my attention was caught by a poster for the upcoming Keanu Reeves remake of The Day The Earth Stood Still. I won't spoil it for you, in case you haven't seen the original 500 times already, but I'm pretty sure the Earth doesn't literally stand still, cos that would make everything fly off into space which would be expensive to shoot. And a bit sad.

Anyway, with both John Cleese and Kathy Bates in the cast, this film can't help but be totally awesome. Or crud, I can't decide. It depends which of them plays Gort the giant killer robot. I suppose Bates is a bit on the chubby side for the part, but then I saw Cleese in a wheelchair last week at Prince Jugears' birthday bash, so that kind of rules him out too. Although he may have been hamming it up. Hmmm.

I hope it is Cleese; I'd love to see him do his silly giant killer robot walk while shooting laser beams out of his eyes because that would, I think you'll agree, be totally awesome ¹.

Then I watched Avi And Britt Make A Porno, which was kind of weird, but very, very funny. Go see it.



¹ Sorry for overusing the word "awesome" in this post, but if you'd ever had kittens pee in your suitcase, you'd understand ².

² And if you still don't understand, you need to get out more.

Everybody Is Someone Else's Weirdo

Mummy, there's a man at the door with a bill!
Don't be silly, dear, it must be a duck.

Redneck: What a Scotchman gets when he goes skiing in March, if he thinks the only protection he'll need is a pack crate of condoms.

Jabba the Hutt off Star Wars^TM has a gay uncle Zero. Why not have a gay, purple, tattooed, 500-kilo alien? Maybe people will stop complaining now about Jar-Jar Fucking Binks. But I doubt it.

A woman had to be cut free after impaling herself on a statue of Kali, the Hindu goddess of destruction. Allegedly she "fell onto the statue while staggering around". Is it bad for my karma if I laugh?

Z-list sleb Jade Goody, who created a Big Bother a couple of years ago by referring to a Bollywood icon as a "dog", "The Indian" and "Poppadom", is to appear in "Bigg Boss". This is some kind of Indian TV show where people are locked up in a house together; wonder where they got that idea from? Did I mention it's hosted by Bollywood icon Shilpa Shetty? Can't wait till it's repeated on Dave...

"Day three hundred and twelve, four am. The fat white bitch is in the kitchen with her head in the oven, but we've switched the gas and water pipes. Vote now to choose between blasting loud Indian music into the house and putting curry powder in the milk again. Who goes mad? You decide." Viewing figures should go through the roof.

TV isn't what it used to be, innit?

Scotch Roundup

Boffins have discovered that the world's oldest joke is about my favourite subject. Phew knew?

In China, web censorship remains in place despite promises to the international media that all restrictions would be lifted. I wonder exactly how many hacks will storm off back home in protest? I won't be holding my breath.

A fourteen-year-old schoolgirl has won the right in court to wear religious jewellery to school, as it's part of her faith. Good for her. I wonder if I can get away with wearing a pirate fish pendant to work on Fridays? Arrrgh!

I was hoping that Tony Hawks would be visiting Embra for this year's book festival, but nae joy. In case you think I've spelt his name wrong, visit the skateboarding section of his website. But not while drinking coffee.

Prince Jug-ears has extended his green credentials by converting his Aston Martin to run on leftover wine. Oxymoron, anyone?

I have yet to be convinced that there's any intelligent life on Earth. Apollo astronaut Ed Mitchell claims that aliens have visited us. Allegedly NASA experts have described them as 'little people who look strange to us' with 'a small frame, large eyes and head.'

Hellooooooo?


Lastly, the gorgeous, pouting Carole Vorderman has kindly written a small post over here for a very reasonable fee. Do pay her a visit and leave some kind comments, please.

Toot toot!

Summer Caption Competition

Be it pleaseth yowe, Maistre Geoffrey Chaucer hath inspiredd me with his chronicle ycleped Doctor Hwaet and the Daneleks. It hath been wandering arounde mine head for monthes, lyke unto Marco Polo on his travelles.

Any road uppe, Ich haue effected an peynture depicting an Danelek Shippe, but Ich am at an compleat losse for a suitably sombre title.

Et this ys where yowe, gentil reedere, can make yower owne contributione!

Alle yowe have to doo ys to provide yower suggestiones in ye usual place; Ich shall runne an totallye fayre refferendumme to fynd the moost popular one and poste it yn mine blogge. There shalle be an pryze of an actual moving, talking Danelek. (Paynture not to scale, Companion not included.)
Prize ⇒
Competition ⇓



So putte on yower thynking cappes! Competicioun closeth on Vendredi, Juin 20, 2008. Goode Lucke!

Fantasy Film Director

I've just seen that new Harrison Ford effort, Indiana Jones and the Golden Zimmer or whatever it's called. Little Miss Farty's fiancé tagged along as he's into that kind of thing too. He reckoned the

SPOILER ALERT

little flashing tracker devices were cool, but completely anachronistic for 1957. Totally ruined it for him, 'cos everything else was so believable.

This got me reminiscing about my favourite moments in film and tv...

I remembered that X-Files episode where Scully is abducted by aliens who take her in their spaceship and dress her up in a nurse's uniform and then perform experiments to see what happens when they spank her with a table-tennis bat.

What do you mean, you "don't remember that one"? It's an absolute classic.

Or did I just dream it?

<clicky>

Nothing on Youtube or IMDB. *sigh*

Anyway. Imagine that some coke-addled Hollywood film producer has just handed you a blank cheque. You can make any film you like, with your own choice of actors, plot, locations etc. What would your fantasy film/tv series be like?

I Want To Believe

So the British Government has finally admitted to having its own version of the X-Files. My favourite report was the one of a UFO with red and green flashing lights seen by several pub customers in Tunbridge Wells, last seen heading for , er, Gatwick Airport.

If I was an alien, which I'm not, honest, I'd be giving this particular planet a wide berth until they get their act together and grow up.

At least another century then.

Black Monitor

In Loving Memory
Arthur Charles Clarke
16 December 1917 - 18 March 2008

Mr Farty's Sci-Fi Script Idea

Let me try this on you before I take it to Hollywood. See what you think and no blabbing to Warner Bros!

The world is going to hell in a handcart - too many people, not enough resources, rampant pollution, global warming, people eating endangered animals out of house and home, people eating endangered animals, period. (Did I mention it's set in the present day?) Something Must Be Done.

Then a young, brilliant scientist, who looks remarkably like Orlando Bloom, has an ingenious idea. He does some preparatory work, then takes his proposal to a team of venture capitalists and they are, for a change, wildly enthusiastic.

Here's his pitch:

Everyone knows that computers are doubling in capacity every 18 months. At some time in the not-too-distant future, they will have the equivalent processing power of a human brain. Well, that time has now arrived!

<commercial>

You too can live forever!

Are you feeling old, decrepit, dying from some terrible disease or simply tired of living in this godforsaken hell-hole? (Earth, you dummy! Do try to keep up!)

Sign up now and have your thoughts, your memories, even your feelings stored in cyberspace - for all of eternity!

Free from all shortcomings of the flesh, your mind can race around the world at the speed of light itself!

Give yourself virtual organs that you could never have in "real life". You want a lizard tail? You've got it! Green skin? No problem! Gills? Sure, why not?

All we need to do is scan the contents of your brain and upload your personality into our mainframe - for free*!

*Small print: The scanning process is irreversible and destructive. Clients' brains become the property of New Life, Inc.

</commercial>

Some customers have already joined up. Their worn-out bodies have been recycled as bio-diesel, but their minds are out there on the super-information highway. Friends and families are able to "talk" with their loved ones simply by logging into chat-rooms and typing away. Two-way webcam links are just around the corner, after a few teething troubles have been ironed out.

Like the fact that the whole thing is a scam.

The "uploaded" are in fact nothing but sophisticated chat-bots, set up to tempt the unwary into putting themselves into the clutches of a ruthless cabal, an unholy alliance of mad scientists and businessmen, intent on subjecting as many humans as possible to voluntary euthanasia.

Massive worldwide advertising campaigns show willing victims queuing up to enter the conversion booths, where their brains are extracted, "scanned" and uploaded onto supercomputers (dressed-up PSPs). The corpses are shown being fed into recycling plants (but actually used as landfill), while the brains are secretly puréed and marketed as tasty, nutritious soup. Mmmm, rich in omega-three fatty acids!

It all starts to go horribly wrong when the consumers who drink the soup start turning into brain-eating zombies and run amok...
I'll probly have to throw in a few aliens and that to keep the special effects bods happy, obv. But I think my totally original and not at all stolen from anyone else idea is a winner.





Innit?


Update: WTF am I thinking? I need a title, guys! Help! I'll cut you in on the profits...

International Talk Like A Pirate Day

Feck. I been drinkin' grog all day. Hic! Wazzup? Will someone shut that feckin' parrot UP?

Right. Now. Where was I? Where be I? Shouldn't blog after grog. Remember not to post this, Farts.

Right. First up - a Martian Meteorite has crashed in Peru. Well, they say it's a meteorite. So far, it's released some noxious fumes into the environment and made the locals feel pretty sick. If you ask me, it's either the Martian counterpart of yours truly, or the first wave of the invasion fleet. I'm just saying.

Next. Britney's been dropped by her record label, her lawyer and her manager.
Sorry, Britney who?

Oh, another space one. Hurrah! Britain should set up its own Moonbase, according to space boffins. Now, I saw the following quote in the Sun, but for some reason can't find it anywhere on t'internet. I wonder why? Good thing I wrote it down, innit, me fartys? Arrr.
"The Moon could be the greatest archaeological site in the solar system," said Professor Monica Grady.
Um. Archaeology is the study of human cultures, shurely, matey? Finding anything of archaeological significance on the Moon, apart from six (6) Apollo landers and various pieces of assorted tat, including a WWII bomber, certainly would be a great achievement. I won't be holdin' me breath, though.

Czech biker Matej Kus had an accident where his head got run over and woke up speaking perfect English. Well, of course he would, everyone knows English is wired into the human brain. He just gorgot how to speak Czech. Gorgot?

Boffins working on the shed Cloak of Invisibility have almost managed it. All that can be seen is a thin line of light where the object ought to be.

Cool! I can't see him at all.

Did I be mentioning it be International Talk Like A Pirate Day? Arrrr, ye scurvy sea-dogs! I'll lash ye to the mizzen-mast and keel-haul yer miserable bones!

Yarr!

The Female Of The Species

A female acquaintance recently revealed that although she doesn't know much about Star Trek, when her colleagues told her that she looks like a Romulan, she didn't take it as a compliment. I am, of course, the soul of tact and discretion, so I couldn't possibly name names (but take a look at my bogroll and see if you can pick her out).

Any road up, I thought I'd better put her - and you, gentle reader - straight on what alien females (in particular, those from Star Trek) look like. Then you can draw your own conclusions about whether you are being complimented or insulted when comparisons are made.

Romulan

Urgh! That high neckline doesn't suit her at all.

Vulcan

Technically, Romulans and Vulcans are the same species.
Note to me: get a life.

Trill

Looks nice enough on the outside, but carries a symbiont in her tummy.

Horta

Pretty damn hot - to a male Horta.

Salt Monster

Thankfully, this species uses a form of hypnosis to make it appear more attractive to humans. Click on image to see how well this works for you.

Orion Slave Girl

Green skin, red lips - interesting combination. I wonder what her blood type is?

Klingon

Now they ugly!

Borg

Yes, yes, I know that the Borg Collective isn't strictly a species, and that Seven of Nine isn't an alien, but man, she's sexy!

Female Of The Species - Space

Indistinguishable From Magic

Isn't it marvellous, the way all those ideas that used to be pure fantasy, then science fiction, have been developed into credible scientific theories and built into real, useable technology?

• Crystal balls

Only a hundred years ago, people scoffed at the idea that one day, if would be possible to see major world events, as they took place, on the other side of the planet. Like Paris Hilton being jailed for drink-driving or some cow being given a death sentence. Must...resist...posting...minger...picture...




• Alien planets

Giordano Bruno was burned at the stake in 1600 for even suggesting that there might be other worlds inhabited by other beings. To date, more than 200 alien worlds have been discovered. Probly. It's hard to be sure, all you see is a tiny wobble in a star's motion or a brief dimming in its brightness. But the Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence continues unabated. As scientists say, we just need more money research.




• Teleportation

Just imagine being able to walk into a booth in Sydney, Australia, dial in a code and emerge seconds later in Kentucky, USA. Dream on - so far, they've got as far as teleporting a single atom held at a temperature close to absolute zero. Besides, who in their right mind would want to go to Kinfucky?




• Invisibility Cloak

This story finds its roots way back in Greek mythology. More recently, Frodo, er, Harry made use of a similar device to escape detection. Just last year, scientists developed a working cloak shed of invisibility. Better known to us lesser mortals as a shed.





• Levitation

Who wouldn't give their eye teeth to fly on a magic carpet? Cue A Whole New World and all that Disney shite. Yes, of course it would be amazingly brilliant, in theory. But have you considered the practicalities? Fending off the squeegee brigade while you wait at busy airborne intersections. Spending all your time hoovering up dead flies and that. Still, the high-speed chases would be much more exciting.




• Time Travel

Hop in the Tardis with Dr Who, step back in time and see Kylie Minogue in the bath. I Should Be So Lucky. But Professor Amos Ori now thinks it might just be possible, using an envelope filled with dust. [You're yanking my chain, right? Ed.] No, really.




• Cold Fusion

Limitless energy, virtually for free. All you need is a few million dollars, twenty years and a gullible sponsor. Or you could stick with hot fusion, which costs a gazillion dollars and will deliver commercial results in forty years. Or so they tell us every forty years. Sigh. Looks like we're stuck with the big round yellow thing meantime.

In Space, No-one Can Spill Your Drink

Space, says Douglas Adams, is big. And dangerous. Full of aliens with blaster guns and huge, gaping, slavering maws, if you believe half of the tosh being churned out at the pictures. This is why it's so terribly important to ensure we're sending the right stuff to explore it.

When you're training to be an astronaut, they prepare you for space travel by hurling you around and around in a huge centrifuge to simulate the high G-forces of liftoff. Or so they say.

Then there's that gizmo what Leonardo da Vinci invented (click to enlarge, ladies) to spin you this way and that, allegedly to see how your body reacts to the disorientation of not knowing which way is 'up'.

And finally there's the so-called Vomit Comet. The clue is in the name. This wonderful piece of low technology allows potential astronauts to actually experience zero gravity, even if only for a few seconds at a time. Stephen Hawking swears by it.

What this means in practice is that, once they're spaceborne, our brave ambassadors to the cosmos should be completely inured against losing the contents of their stomachs after getting totally blootered on Buckie¹.

By this point, you may be wondering why a human space traveller would need to be off his (or indeed her) tits in the first place?

Why, to be ready to make first contact with an alien race, of course!



¹ Intoxicated after imbibing a popular brand of tonic wine.

As Good As It Gets

Oh looky, Doctor Who, Billie Piper, Daleks and The Stupid French all rolled into one.

Yes, ok, this is just a filler while I think of something deep and meaningful to write. But it's a laugh, innit?

(Not Safe For Coffee)

I Will Survive

While commenting on Mr Angry's blog today, I managed to confuse Richard Herring with Stewart Lee. It's an easy mistake to make, especially since they used to have their own TV show, Herring and Lee or something like that.

It appears that I am not alone; many people complain that they still can't tell Ant from Dec (Ant's the one on the left), Dick from Dom (pass) or Sonny from Cher (eek!).


I've done a lot worse. There's a work-related one that I can't tell you about, but let's say the bloke didn't take too kindly to being referred to as Judith Chalmers. In fairness, at that time we'd never met face-to-face.

Then there was the time I catalogued a workmate's record collection on the pooter for him and in thanks he taped a few selected albums for me. I thought, "I like that fit bird off Fleetwood Mac. Now is she Lindsey Buckingham or Stevie Nicks?" They'd both joined the band at about the same time and without a copy of Melody Maker to hand, I honestly didn't know which one was which.

Let's see. Lindsay Wagner is definitely a bird
and Stevie Wonder is a bloke.
But he's blind, so he might just think he's a bloke and really be a bird. Hmmm. Well, you can probably guess what happened next, but in order to pad this out a bit, I'll tell you anyway. I asked him to tape that Lindsey Buckingham, who I really fancy. So at a stroke I labelled myself as a rampant homosexualist¹ and wasted several minutes of my life listening to a really crap album.

Changing the subject only slightly, I do know a bloke who is even less conversant with the modern music scene, man, than what I am. He likes Baroque and Vivaldi and crap like that. Just mention crumhorn or lute within his hearing and he goes all wobbly-kneed. Chaucer's Bitch would probably like him. But he claims to know knothing about popular beat combos, so I asked him if he was conversant with the work of:

• Slow Patrol? Nope.
• The Artex Monkeys? Doesn't ring a bell.
• Acorn? Who?
• The Kaiser Chefs? Uh...no.
• Sierra? Sorry.
• Take That? Take What?
• Fergie? Ah, Prince Andrew's ex?

Finally, in desperation, I said, "Surely you've heard of Simon and Garfunkel?"

"Oh, yes, I've heard of him."

Sigh.

¹Maybe I am a gay? After all, I quite like the Hot Lesbian Action in this Janeway/Seven of Nine clip. Yeah, baby, yeah!

Perfect Day

The early morning sun quickly burned off the fog, leaving wall-to-wall blue sky over Embra. We were up at the crack of 9:00, which for a Saturday is almost unheard-of, and put on the radio while we had breakfast, opened the 50^th birthday cards and that. I heard Mrs Farty talking on the phone in the bedroom and wondered what that was all about, until the music ended and the DJ replayed this exchange:
Mrs F (for it was she): Can you play a record for my husband Farty's 50^th birthday?
DJ: I'm sorry, we don't do birthday requests on this show.
Mrs F: Well, can you wish him a happy 50^th birthday?
DJ: What's his name?
Mrs F: Mr Farty.
DJ: And how old is he?
Mrs F: 50.
DJ: So it's Mr Farty's 50^th birthday today?
Mrs F: Yes.
DJ: Nope, sorry, we don't do birthdays on this show.
Mrs F: Oh, please!
DJ: Well, there is one exception...
Mrs F: Yes?
DJ: You'll have to sing Happy Birthday yourself. I'll count you in: 1,2,3 -
Mrs F: Happy birthday to you -
DJ: Farty!
Mrs F: Happy birthday to you -
DJ: Farty!
Mrs F: Happy birthday dear Farty, happy birthday to you!

Off for the weekend shop. Bumped into some old friends at the Gyle, then LMF called to wish me a happy 50^th birthday. Later, she came over from the Magic Kingdom to give me a hug and a 50^th birthday card. And a webcam. Oh, goody!

Then into town to catch a bit of the Embra Science Festival: Pixar are doing an exhibition at the National Museum of Scotchland; everything there is to know about computer animation, with examples from Luxor Jr. through Toy Story to Ratatouille. They even had a real 3D animation, viewable from any angle, which knocked my socks off. Even when I saw how it was done.

Stopped off at Forbidden Planet to pick up a Sonic Screwdriver, then home for a spot of gardening before Eldest Daughter, Son-in-Law and Youngest Grandson called from South Africa to wish me happy 50^th birthday. Nothing like rubbing it in. We discussed getting a webcam in SA so we could do face-to-face chats without the 12,000 mile round trip, carbon emissions, global warming etc., but the set-up costs out there are prohibitive and the running expenses are treble those in the UK. Which leaves...



Settled down to watch Dr Who, followed by Graham Norton and Any Dream Will ...Dr Who?



There was John "Captain Jack" Barrowman, shooting his weapon...



Denise van Outen taking on an alien cucumber...

And Andrew Lloyd Webber (above) as The Face of Boe (right).

Then a bit of blogging before bed. Perfick!