Return of the King

Yes, Steve has returned triumphant after conquering Mount Kilimanjaro. A little short of breath, but he made it all the way to the summit. Hurrah! The final push began at midnight, so he arrived at the top of the world in the wee small hours. For some inscrutable reason, he didn't wait around for dawn but headed straight back down, picked up Damion (who had only made it part-way up on account of a mild case of pulmonary embolism and fluid in the lungs) and hit the sweltering jungle a few hours later. Where else can you get frostbite in the morning and malaria in the afternoon?

Well done, chaps!

Quiet Day in Embra

Not much going on at Farty Towels this weekend. Silver Wedding party went without a hitch. I think I may have accidentally brushed my hand against Favourite Niece's bum every time she sashayed past, but in fairness it took a massive detour to pass our table on the way from FN's chair to either the bar or the dancefloor. And she was up and down a lot. Mmmm. And the cake was nice.







Elsewhere on the planet, Steve and Damion should be reaching the summit of Mount Kilimanjaro on their charidee trek about...now. I'm half-hoping one of them will have wee accident so that I can conclude my wee trilogy with "Return in a Sling." Break a leg, guys!

But Shock! Horror! I play back last night's semi-final of Dancing On Ice to find that the gorgeous Louise off Emerdale, I mean Marilyn off Home and Away, er, actress Emily Symons and her professional skating partner Daniel Whiston have been bumped from the competition by the judges. How could anyone find fault with that lovely couple? :'(

The Two Twats

Journey to the Crossroads

Dam: Oh, master Stevo, I'm so tired. We've been stumbling along for hours and we've gone no further than when we set out.
Stevo: Yes, it feels like we've been going round in circles. Let's ask that kindly-looking stranger over there for directions.
Security Guard: Could you step down from the carousel, please? You're damaging the other passengers' luggage. Now, you need to make your way through that dark and mysterious portal. No, that's the Ladies'. Over there to the left; the one marked "Exit".

***
Dam: Wow! Oliphants! I've never seen Oliphants before! They're amazing!
Stevo: If you've never seen them before, how do you know they're Oliphants? Anyway, those are giraffes, you idiot. You can tell by the stripes.
Dam: Oi'm so glad you're here to keep me straight, master Stevo.
Stevo: Think nothing of it. Anyway, we'll take two stuffed giraffes and four of those Amusing Monkeys. With the Fez and the Small Clay Pipe. And CAN! YOU! DIRECT! US! TO! MOUNT! KILIMANJARO?
Shop Assistant: No worries, mate. You take a left as you leave the airport terminal, two blocks along and you come to the bus station. There's an hourly service, tickets are twenny bucks each. You wanna coupla tinnies of FourEx to wet your whistle?
Stevo: Er, no thanks, but do you have any canned lager?

***

Wiilob's Lair

Wiilob waits patiently in the gathering darkness. Wiilob has waited a long time. She can wait a while longer. She hears footsteps approaching. Soon there will be a tasty snack.

***

Dam: The sun sets really fast in these parts, master Stevo; it's almost pitch black and there's still no sign of a Travelodge. We'd better pitch camp for the night while we can still see what we're doing.
Stevo: Fair enough, Dam. Hey, Tembe! Can you tell your boys to set us down here and put up the tents and that? We're off to scout around for totty; I remember seeing a group of Kiwis up ahead of us; they might be worth investigating.
Tembe: Sure thing, Bwana. {turning to the team of porters carrying the sedan chairs} Kiri-Te-Ka-na-wa!*

* Translation: "Wait until these idiots are out of sight, then leg it with their gear. This lot should fetch at least thirty bucks on eBay."

***

Closer come the footsteps and closer yet. Wiilob can hardly contain her excitement. Just a few more moments and then she can plunge her sting deep into the soft, yielding flesh of her unsuspecting prey. She would salivate at the thought if she had saliva glands. But she doesn't; so she won't. Just a few...moments...more...

Squelch!

"What was that squelching noise?" asks Dam.
Stevo replies: "I think I've just trodden in something." He fumbles around in his cloak, then proudly holds aloft the Light of Vidor that is Ever Ready. "Ew!"
"Is it edible?" asks Dam, pragmatic as ever.
"Kind of depends how hungry you are, I suppose."

***

The Fellowship on the Wing

The Fellowship Sets Out

Even before the stars had begun to fade from the night sky, Stevo and his trusty sidekick Dam had already packed their supplies for the trip into a handful of Tupperware boxes, grabbed a quick bite to eat from the magic white cabinet, prepared their steeds, thought "feck it" and phoned for a taxi. Dawn's early light found them gazing out over the silvery wing of flight LF552 bound for Schiphol.
"Tell me again, Dam" said Stevo. "How did you come to break your toe last week?"
"'T'were like this, master Stevo," replied his companion, tugging furiously at an imaginary forelock. "There I were, pruning back the hollyhocks and generally mindin' me own business, when this great black beast swooped down from the sky, its foul breath wilting all me lovely nasturtiums and - "
"Only the way I heard it, you cracked it with a number two iron at Gullane."
"Well, yes, if you want to get technical."
"This is going to be one tricky climb with your gammy foot. It's a good thing we've got my superior intelligence to rely on."
"Yessir, master Stevo. You're sure there's a Pizza Hut on Mount Kilimanjaro?"
"Of course there is. You worry so, Dam!" laughed Stevo. "And even if there isn't, I can always phone for a delivery. And you know it's free if it's not delivered in 30 minutes!"

***

At the Sign of the Non-Working Monkey

And so it was that, tired and weary after a 90-minute flight in first class, they came to the wondrous Land of Holl, known to the locals as the Lands of Nether. Although the language spoken in this country was Double Dutch, our travellers were lucky to find that the Common Tongue was well-understood, if they spoke clearly. And shouted.
"Just enough time to stock up on Longbottom Leaf," commented Dam, tamping down his pipe.
"Bugger that," said Stevo. "I'm going on another kind of trip altogether. Here, into this Coffee Shop."
Two hours later, suitably refreshed, they staggered out into the broad light of day and headed back to the airport, ready to face the longest stretch of their journey so far.
"Whit d'you reckon, Dam? Think they'll be showing Blood Diamond on ra flight?"
"Aw, bound tae, man. That or Hot Fuzz. Mebbe both."
"Quali'y, man."

Kilimanjaro Challenge

My mate Stephen and his mate Damion recently decided it would be a spiffing idea to climb Mount Kilimanjaro. For charidee. Next month. As you do.

When they sobered up, it still seemed like a good idea, so they started watching Ray Mears, er, I mean putting in some serious training. Walking five miles to work daily, swimming 24 lengths at lunchtime and that.

The lengths people will go to to get out of coming to our Silver Anniversary party ;-)

Can't wait to see the video diary...