Simply Redilculous

Following disappointing ticket sales for his current farewell tour, Mick Hucknall has apologised to the 1,000 women he's slept with.

In related news, Victoria Beckham has apologised for all the amazing records she's released over the years and Justin Bieber has said sorry for being so butch.

In an outburst of ginger solidarity, Danny Alexander MP, better known by his stage name of Beaker off the Muppets, has jumped on the bandwagon and apologised for sleeping with Princess Leia, Wonder Woman, Xena Warrior Princess and celebrity vagina Katie Price.

When asked to comment, Miss Price said, "Who? Really? If anyone should apologise, it must be me. My only excuse is that I must have been completely off my tits to sleep with a ginger."

Tony Blair is expected to apologise for winning the Nobel Peace Prize any day now. Oh, wait.

Outrage Over Health Claims For Water

Medical professionals were outraged today over claims that water might be "good for you".

In an article posted last week on the highly-regarded medical journal The Internet, it was claimed that the chemical compound H₂O, commonly known as "water", could confer miraculous health benefits, including thirst relief, moisturising and even a reduction in the amount of skin bacteria.

"I'm outraged," said Dr. Malik Singh of Harley Street, London. "These claims are totally spurious and unsupported by any big-pharma financed, long-term, double-blind, highly lucrative clinical trial. This substance must be regarded as potentially dangerous until proper doctors have been paid a fortune to conduct and publish a peer-reviewed study that no-one will bother to read."

The author of the article, Joe Mumble, was unrepentant, claiming that H₂O was perfectly safe when diluted repeatedly with itself to the point where less than one molecule of the original substance remained per litre of water. "Furthermore, when just one glass of this is taken with a handful of antiviral drugs, it can definitely help reduce the symptoms of both HIV and AIDS. On its own, not so much."

An NHS administrator who wished to remain anonymous explained, "While this substance has admittedly been in use in NHS hospitals for decades, its primary function has always been seen as an industrial solvent. It's also used in small, carefully-controlled quantities as a sterilizing agent for surgical instruments, but our clinicians are always very careful to remove all traces of it with a greasy cloth before use in the theatre. I certainly wouldn't recommend drinking the stuff, I'd rather pour raw bleach down my throat."

Psychiatrists 'Worse Than Useless', Psychiatric Study Shows

A new study in The Lancet has proven what many of us have suspected for years: criminally insane nutjobs have been blagging their way back out of secure units into 'scare in the community' programs by 'telling lies' to their psychiatrists.

Typical phrases seen over and over in the psychiatric evaluation reports include: "I feel fine now, doctor", "No, really, it was just that one episode" and "I hardly ever get the urge nowadays to run amok with a meat cleaver in the local shopping centre".

Closer examination of the data leads to the earth-shattering conclusion that out of 2500 violent lunatics who went on the rampage after their release, all of them without exception would, if locked up indefinitely, have only been able to harm themselves or other schizos. Who don't count.

Shrinks have been quick to defend their profession, claiming that they never expected loons to be able to string more than a few words together, never mind come up with a coherent argument for why they should be allowed near sharp objects.

"So tell me again," said leading trick-cyclist Albrecht Schadenfroher, "what's this thing you call a 'lie'? I can't quite get my head around it."

Whale Meat Again*

So. It looks like there was a wee contretemps in the Southern Ocean today. See how you do in my impromptu quiz.

1. The Japanese warship hit the Adi Gil because:
a) The powerboat was using advanced stealth technology, making it invisible.
b) The Japanese crew were busy looking for whales.
c) The powerboat accelerated directly into the path of the warship.

2. At the time of the collision, the Adi Gil was:
a) Completely stationery, honest.
b) Sailing directly away from the whaling fleet.
c) Steering towards the bow of the Japanese ship. As you do.

3. The conservation group's boat was:
a) Utterly destroyed, killing all aboard her.
b) Sunk without trace, drowning all the crew.
c) Holed, but otherwise still floating.

4. The Japanese are carrying out "scientific" whaling. They are trying to find:
a) Whether the whale population is at a sustainable size for commercial whaling to resume.
b) Any way around IWC rules on catching whales.
c) The tastiest recipe for whalemeat, yum!

* I had a better title, but forgot it. Sorry.

No Representation Without Taxation

So Hillary Clinton thinks it would be absolutely wrong to release Libyan Abdelbaset Ali Mohmed Al Megrahi from prison over his alleged involvement in the Lockerbie bombing.

As a US citizen, Clinton pays no UK taxes. And this is perfectly right and proper, but it cuts both ways. As a non-taxpayer in this country, it would be absolutely wrong for her to dictate how our judicial system should operate.

All the more so since the US government has consistently withheld evidence all the way from the initial investigation to the trial and subsequent appeal.

To summarize: Dear Hillary, Fuck off. Yours, Scotland.

Just my twopence worth.

Somalia sends food parcels to House of Commons to supplement MPs' rations

Somalians have dug deep in their pockets after hearing of the plight of British MPs, who are being treated like shit and have to live on rations, according to Shadow Commons leader Alan Duncan.

"This is absolutely scandalous," said Mogadishu resident Saeed Abdallah. "Here we are, living in the lap of luxury with not a care in the world, except for the occasional suicide bombing or random beheading, while hardworking British lawmakers have to scrape by on as little as £64,766 pa. Plus expenses.

"When the Somali people learned of the MPs' plight through a wind-up radio tuned into the BBC World Service, we immediately agreed to club together and collect every grain of rice we could pry from between the floorboards, along with the leftover bones from a stray dog we caught and ate a couple of weeks ago.

"We hope that this offering, though small, will help sustain the starving MPs through these times of hardship until after the next election, when it is sincerely hoped that their freeloading snouts will be back in the trough before you can say duck house."

Outrage Over Charlatanry Claims

Charlatans were outraged today over claims that Charlatanry might actually be an effective treatment for something.

"I went to see a charlatan after conventional medicine failed to cure my baldness," explained Major Buffy Cohen (retired). "The quack made me lie face-down on a couch while he played a tape of whale song, or possibly Rolf Harris playing a didgeridoo, then he waved a crystal over me for a bit and muttered some mumbo jumbo. Didn't make a blind bit of difference, of course, but when I saw the size of the bill a couple of weeks later, it completely cured my hiccups."

The British Association of Charlatans, Quacks and Snake-Oil Representatives in Europe (BACQSORE) have already issued a writ for damage caused to their reputation as complete fraudsters, even although they are not yet sure whether the alleged treatment was for a recognised phony medical condition like restless leg syndrome, having a sloping forehead or pregnancy.

"These allegations are as scurrilous as they are true," said an outraged spokesman for BACQSORE. "Our remedies are world-famous for being proven to be totally ineffective in controlled double-blind clinical trials and we are prepared to stand up in court if need be to refute these unsubstantiated claims of effectiveness using the highest-powered liars, er, lawyers that money can buy. If we could stand up. Which we can't. Bit of a bad back just now. You don't happen to have any painkillers on you, do you? I think I've pulled something. Could you call a doctor? While we're waiting, can I interest you in a couple of gallons of 100% natural snake-oil, er, bio-diesel? Sourced from free-range Guatemalan rock-pythons, guaranteed to stall your engine within 100 yards. Or bring you out in a rash. Whatever."

Simon Singh was unavailable for comment.

Merkan-English Dictionary

The great thing about having all these Merkan bloggers in my reader is the rich variety of incomprehensible crap new and exciting terminology that they use. Which I then have to go and research so that I can update my dictionary for your elucidation (Brits) or education (y'all ignorant rednecks). So without further ado:

Polo Mints. Round, minty, white, with a hole in the middle.

How anyone could confuse these with Lifesavers is beyond me.

Bloody copycats! *cough*

Those people who tell you that a battered shoebox in the middle of a slum is a "delightful fixer-upper situated in a quiet neighbo[u]rhood"? Merkans argue over whether the correct pronunciation is REAL-tors or re-AL-tors, while Brits prefer "esTATE agents". I prefer "lying scum".

What they say: This house has lots of potential.
What they mean: Potential energy.

Pound. What could be simpler than the standard unit of British currency?


So it's confusing when Merkans call this a pound.

Because we Brits call it a hash.

Not to be confused with a quarter.


No wait, I meant the other kind of quarter.


Although a quarter pounder is a quarter pounder.


Now I've got the munchies.

Objection!

Here's a question for anyone who's ever been involved in a court case, whether as a juror (me), a witness (Mrs F), a policeman (one nephew) or whatever (hi, J-Dub!).

Have you ever seen a lawyer become so incensed with his/her opposite number's line of questioning that he/she's leapt to their feet and yelled: "Objection!!!"

Or even just said it in a normal voice?

Or shouted at a witness?

Or dramatically produced a vital piece of evidence out of thin air on the last day of the trial?

Or forced the defendant to break down in tears and change their plea to guilty?

No, me neither.

That's why I don't watch those court dramas like Law and Order, Boston Legal, Special Victims Unit, LA Law, Perry Mason, I could go on.

Mrs F loves them, naturally.

I prefer something with at least a touch of realism.

But maybe that's just me?

None So Deaf

"Nobody is talking about printing money."
- Alistair Darling, Chancellor of the Exchequer.

"The Monetary Policy Committee will need to go the whole hog and cut rates to zero. And once it has done that, it will have to resort to other measures designed to boost the quantity of money in the economy"
- Roger Bootle, Deloitte.

"The only path left is for quantitative easing, where the Bank effectively prints money."
- Stephen Gifford, Grant Thornton.

"It seems ever more likely that the Bank of England will engage in some form of quantitative easing over the coming months."
- Howard Archer, IHS Global Insight.

"Listen carefully and you can almost hear the printing presses being cranked up."
- Stuart Porteous, RBS.

"The MPC will be tempted to follow the US Federal Reserve’s example and pursue quantitative easing.”
- Edward Menashy, Charles Stanley.

You couldn't make it up.

Moving Pictures

So last night I was banished from Farty Towers for the evening, as Mrs F had a medium coming over to fleece her and her girlfriends hold a séance. Not the world's best psychic, I must point out, as she was due to bring her weegie board last weekend but had to cancel at the last minute due to unforeseen circumstances. Way to go, Derek Acorah! I think the reason I was expelled had something to due with malign influences aka uncontrollable laughter, which can understandably be a bit of a distraction when you're trying to summon the devil. Or whatever.

So I went to the cinema. The first one I visited had naff all on that I even remotely wanted to see, so I stormed out in a huff and went to the Odeon. While I was in the lobby deciding what to watch, my attention was caught by a poster for the upcoming Keanu Reeves remake of The Day The Earth Stood Still. I won't spoil it for you, in case you haven't seen the original 500 times already, but I'm pretty sure the Earth doesn't literally stand still, cos that would make everything fly off into space which would be expensive to shoot. And a bit sad.

Anyway, with both John Cleese and Kathy Bates in the cast, this film can't help but be totally awesome. Or crud, I can't decide. It depends which of them plays Gort the giant killer robot. I suppose Bates is a bit on the chubby side for the part, but then I saw Cleese in a wheelchair last week at Prince Jugears' birthday bash, so that kind of rules him out too. Although he may have been hamming it up. Hmmm.

I hope it is Cleese; I'd love to see him do his silly giant killer robot walk while shooting laser beams out of his eyes because that would, I think you'll agree, be totally awesome ¹.

Then I watched Avi And Britt Make A Porno, which was kind of weird, but very, very funny. Go see it.



¹ Sorry for overusing the word "awesome" in this post, but if you'd ever had kittens pee in your suitcase, you'd understand ².

² And if you still don't understand, you need to get out more.

Lies, Damned Lies and Wetherspoons

I wonder why I get so many visits from perverts? It's not as if I'm forever banging on about pounding, drilling, asian babes, hardcore and that.





It's like you can't believe anything you read on the intertubes anymore. Why, just today as our bus circled the Lizzie Brice roundabout in Livingston, I wondered WTF is/was Lizzie Brice? So I googled her and found that she was burned at the stake as the last witch in Scotchland. She died of old age in 1865 aged 89, so there wouldn't have been much to burn.

Oh, but hang on. The last witch in Scotland was burned at the stake in 1722. Or possibly in 1657. Or in 1727. Or what about Helen Duncan, who was convicted of witchcraft in 1944? That's the thing about witches, they won't stay dead.

The reason we were in Livingston was to visit our Eldest Grandson. Had a nice meal, went for a wander round the shops. Nipped into Wetherspoons to get a cup of tea, a capperchi capuch another cup of tea and a Coke. Well, I went inside while Mrs F sat outside with EG. "Is one of your party under 18?" asked the snooty barman.

"Er, yes, but what's that got to do with it? I'm not buying alcohol after all."

"Doesn't matter, the law says that because these are licensed premises, if one of you is under 18 then I can only serve you if you're buying at least one meal."

Aye, right. So we went next door to the licensed Chicago Rock Cafe, with EG in tow, walked up to the bar and bought our drinks with no trouble whatsoever.

Funny, that.

Stay tuned for Farty's Friday Chart, coming your way in just over half an hour. I'm off to watch Charlotte Church.

Toot toot!