Do Merkans Get Irony?

It's been said that Merkans don't get irony. I beg to differ, but let's put it to the test.

Every Sunday, the new Hit 40 UK is announced on the wireless steam radio. Since literally several people tune in each week to listen to their favourite modern beat combo or troubadour, this is a Big Thing. Sometimes a top artist is even invited onto the show so that we can see hear their reaction to becoming/failing to reach #1.

Rewind...

Last weekend saw the Televised Live Final of Britain's Got The Pop Factor And Possibly A New Celebrity Jesus Christ Soapstar Superstar Strictly On Ice, the culmination of a fifteen-week series on Channel 4, hosted by Cat "I'd never swear on live TV" Deeley.

The Winner's Song, imaginatively titled "The Winner's Song", was released on Monday October 13th 2008 by Irish transsexual Geraldine McQueen. As was LeoLeon lazyitis Jackson's first single since winning last year's Z Factor. So guess who was number one in today's UK charts?

Pink, of course. But Geraldine was #2 ahead of Leo Leon at #3. Simon Cowell, Leo Leon's boss, was reported to be spitting feathers. Leo Leon himself certainly was...I'll see if I can find/post the relevant part of the Hit40 show, but in the meantime, watch this:



Do any Merkans out there "get" the irony?

P.S. I am totally buying her followup Once Upon a Christmas Song, just to see the look on Cowell's face when his new protegé is trumped at Ecksmas.

P.P.S. Did I mention that Britain's Got... is a spoof? Just so that's understood. I'd hate anyone to think we were taking this seriously.

P.P.P.S. And there was no 15-week series.

P.P.P.P.S. But the hit single is real, and it really kept Jackson's piece of crap away from the top spot.

P.P.P.P.P.S. And Cat Deeley really did scream "Fucking Shut Up!" on national TV. Our free speech beats your free speech hands down.

Winter Draws On

The nights, as they say, are fair drawing in, and Scotchmen and Scotchwomen across, er, Scotchland have taken to wandering around with their heads tilted back and mouths hanging eagerly open. Aye, there's a nip in the air...


In the run-up to Halloween, police have been warning ordinary folks that "young people" are evil monsters and will be arrested if found in possession of flour or eggs. "We do not want to be seen as killjoys", said a killjoy yesterday, "but would you like it if some young-un were to bake you a sponge cake? Why, the chloresterol could kill you in twenty or thirty years!"


If they can avoid getting arrested while they're at the shops getting kitted up for trickle-treating, the kids will of course be buying the usual bag of nuts - "and no' too many coconuts!" I still love that one.

Good news for nerds this week. Apparently, boffins have declared that love and sex with robots are inevitable. Given the choice, which of these would you rather have?

Happy Halloween!

Three In A Bed

Tagged by Kissme. I've never been kissed tagged before, so I'm quite nervous. Not. I saw one tag last week that ran to 150 items, feck that. But this is quite short. Except that I'm making it unnecessarily longer by yammering on about it.

Three Things That Scare Me:

1. Ghosts.
2. George W Bush.
3. Bungee Jumping.

Three People Who Make Me Laugh:

1. Phil Kay.
2. George W Bush.
3. Non-Working Monkey.

Three Things I Love:

1. Farting.
2. Mrs Farty.
3. Choclit.

Three Things I Hate:

1. Them green things, wossname? Vegetables.
2. George W Bush.
3. ICBMs.

Three Things I Don't Understand:

1. The Inflationary Theory Of Cosmology.
2. QED.
3. Women.

Three Things On My Desk:

1. Cuppa tea.
2. Shortbread crumbs.
3. Speakers.

Three Things I'm Doing Right Now:

1. Writing this fecking post.
2. Listening to The Beautiful Corrs.
3. Farting.

Three Things I Want To Do Before I Die:

1. Swim with dolphins. I've watched them surf. Wow!
2. Dance on George W Bush's grave. Or Margaret Thatcher's.
3. Discover the secret of immortality.

Three Things I Can Do:

1. Can you guess?
2. Play Go. Badly.
3. Make people laugh. Knickers!

Three Things I Can't Do:

1. Stop farting.
2. Learn To Stop Worrying and Love The Bomb.
3. Put up with intolerance.

Three Things I Think You Should Listen To:

1. Music. Any music except rap.
2. Your heart.
3. Me farting. Ahhhh!

Three Things I'd Like To Learn:

1. To fart The Flight Of The Bumblebee.
2. SCUBA diving. See dolphins above.
3. HTML, so I can pimp my blog. Getting there.

Three Favourite Foods:

1. Banoffee Pie.
2. Choclit.
3. Pasta.

Three Shows I Watched As A Kid:

1. Captain Pugwash. Arrrggghh!
2. Dr Who. William Hartnell was my favourite right up until David Tennant arrived.
3. That one with the two numpties with the idiotic expressions, the jerky, drunkard's walk and the unintelligible flob-a-dob speech, flanking the pretty-but-shy one in the middle. No, this one.

Three Things You Should Never Listen To:

1. Rap music.
2. George W Bush.
3. People who tell you it can't be done.

Three Wonderful People To Inflict My Meme On:

1. Non-Working Monkey.
2. Apos-itivepessimist.
3. Cheerful One.

Aye Thang Yew.

Merkan-English Dictionary - Addendum

Alright, enough already. Due to overwhelming demand, for your delectation and delight may I introduce the very Best of British felinity, with a slight Merkan flavour.

UK: Pussy

Cat Deeley off So You Think You Can Dance?