Every Time I Sit Down To Write A New Blog Post, I Get Distracted By The Bloggess

Not that this post is about Jenny; it's actually about something I saw in the news today - and I've just remembered what it was.

The UK has a census coming up and in that census, there is precisely one question that's voluntary - "What's your religion"?

The last time around, 390,000 people put "Jedi".

This year, I'm joining them. *You must do the same.

It's not as much of a protest as sitting in Tahrir Square chanting, "Mubarak must go", but it's a start.

What are they going to do - blow up a planet to bring us into line?

Or perhaps they'll offer us a choice between death and something else.



* Old Jedi mind trick.

Do You Believe In Fête?

If so, you really need to get baking with those toothpicks, paperclips and etceteras. Especially the etceteras¹. Belgian Waffle is holding a very special Village Fête and the closing date is August 31st.

I think it's all a clever ruse to get around EU rules about having to destroy your fucking cake after exhibiting it at a cake exhibition-type-place. Such as a fête.

In your face, Brussels!

Still can't think of a suitable entry, dammit...

¹ Such as carved vegetables.

LOLCAKE

Original photo found on Cake Wrecks. Thanks to Julie S.

Update: I just searched in Google Images for Olympics Free Logo - guess who's the number one (1) hit in 1,590,000? Help Ma Boab!

Mr Farty's World-Famous Banoffee Pie Recipe - Illustrated

I get more hits on this blog for my Banoffee Pie recipe than anything else, so it's only fair that I should update it with step-by-step photos and that.

This is absolutely the bestest thing to eat in the world.

Your taste buds will love you forever.

Your arteries...well, you only live once.

Enjoy!

Ingredients:

1 tin sweetened condensed milk. Not pre-cooked caramel, it's too runny.
12-15 digestive biscuits, McVities if you can get them.
3 oz. butter. Not margarine, not "I can't believe...", not "Spreadable", but BUTTER.
½ tsp freshly ground ginger (optional).
1 pint (600ml) whipping cream aka double cream. Not that low-fat crap either.
3 large green bananas. More if they're smaller.
1-2 Cadbury's Flakes.
1 fresh (cough) lemon.
1 large dash of Amarula (optional).


Method:
Crush the biscuits into a large bowl, not forgetting to add the ginger. Like I did.


Nuke the butter for 10 seconds on full power.




Make a well in the crushed biscuits and pour in the melted butter


and a measure of Amarula


and mix thoroughly.

Spread over the base of a flan dish, tamp down flat
and pop into the freezer.





Set the TARDIS controls for yesterday. Put the unopened tin/s in a deep pan and cover with water. ¹


Bring to the boil, turn down the heat and simmer for 4 hours, topping up regularly. Return to the present day.



Only when it has cooled enough to pick up barehanded, open the tin of what-has-now-magically-become-toffee and spread over the biscuit base before returning it to the freezer.




Slice the bananas into a bowl with some freshly squeezed
lemon juice, then arrange over the base in layers.
Put 6-7 slices in a separate bowl for decoration.

Rather than washing out the bowl, pour the excess lemon juice into a glass, then hand-whisk the cream until it forms soft peaks. Gently fold in the remaining lemon juice to thicken the mixture.


Smother the bananas in cream.


Smooth over with a palette knife or back of a spoon.


Decorate with the remaining slices of banana and crumble the Flake/s over the top, being careful not to obscure the banana with the crumbled...meh.

Et Violá!


Serves 8-12. Or two teenagers.






Notes:
Preparation time about an hour plus four hours keeping half an eye on the cooking tins.
Wash your hands, a lot, unless you like sticky cameras.
Use the base of a glass tumbler to crush the Flake/s before unwrapping.
Use a glass flan dish, otherwise you might score it getting the slices out.
If you insist on opening the tin while it is still piping hot, don't come running to me when it sprays hot toffee in your face. You have been warned.
I like to cook 2-3 tins of toffee at once. Write "TOFFEE" on the tops of all cooked tins before returning them to the cupboard, so you don't cook them again.
If you prepare the base overnight, allow 30 mins after adding the topping to allow the base to thaw before serving.
Can be frozen, but I wouldn't.
I was going to calculate the calories but then I realised if you were worried about your weight, you wouldn't be here.
If you're wondering "banoffee pie is it ok to cook condensed milk overnight?" No. Just no.
¹ WARNING WARNING WARNING
The makers say you should never boil an unopened can as it might explode. Here is the correct way:
How to caramelize condensed milk.

Winter Draws On

The nights, as they say, are fair drawing in, and Scotchmen and Scotchwomen across, er, Scotchland have taken to wandering around with their heads tilted back and mouths hanging eagerly open. Aye, there's a nip in the air...


In the run-up to Halloween, police have been warning ordinary folks that "young people" are evil monsters and will be arrested if found in possession of flour or eggs. "We do not want to be seen as killjoys", said a killjoy yesterday, "but would you like it if some young-un were to bake you a sponge cake? Why, the chloresterol could kill you in twenty or thirty years!"


If they can avoid getting arrested while they're at the shops getting kitted up for trickle-treating, the kids will of course be buying the usual bag of nuts - "and no' too many coconuts!" I still love that one.

Good news for nerds this week. Apparently, boffins have declared that love and sex with robots are inevitable. Given the choice, which of these would you rather have?

Happy Halloween!

Adventures in the Canada - Addendum

Not strictly - or at all - our adventures this time, but I just had to share this.

At a party the other night, we mentioned where we'd been and S piped up, "Oh, we went to Vancouver in the Spring a couple of years ago! And Whistler - there was proper snow there and that. And Grouse Mountain¹."

Being good Scotchmen/women, they'd tagged onto a Merkan tour without paying and went to see some orphaned Grizzly Bears, Cari and Boo. Trouble was, despite wheedling and coaxing from the Merkans, the bears didn't feel like coming out of their cave for the cameras.

"Come on, Bubba!" yelled one hopeful fucktard, "come to Mama!"

Six-month-old Bubba stayed resolutely where he/she was.

"Christ, I'm starving," declared Mama eventually, taking a paper bag from her handbag and unwrapping a cake. Then a thought struck her. Quickly, before it could escape or die of lonliness, she snatched it from the air.

Waving the cake in front of the cave, she cooed, "Hey, Bubba, can you smell my muffin?"

Cue howls of laughter from the Scotch and blank looks from the rest of the Merkans.


¹ When we were there, we were told: "You haven't been to Canada until you've been up Grouse Mountain." So it turns out we haven't been to Canada after all. Fuck me, where have we been?

Party Time!

Non-Working Monkey's Blog Birthday is on July 10th. Get over there now and start whooping it up!

That is all.

Perfect Day

The early morning sun quickly burned off the fog, leaving wall-to-wall blue sky over Embra. We were up at the crack of 9:00, which for a Saturday is almost unheard-of, and put on the radio while we had breakfast, opened the 50^th birthday cards and that. I heard Mrs Farty talking on the phone in the bedroom and wondered what that was all about, until the music ended and the DJ replayed this exchange:
Mrs F (for it was she): Can you play a record for my husband Farty's 50^th birthday?
DJ: I'm sorry, we don't do birthday requests on this show.
Mrs F: Well, can you wish him a happy 50^th birthday?
DJ: What's his name?
Mrs F: Mr Farty.
DJ: And how old is he?
Mrs F: 50.
DJ: So it's Mr Farty's 50^th birthday today?
Mrs F: Yes.
DJ: Nope, sorry, we don't do birthdays on this show.
Mrs F: Oh, please!
DJ: Well, there is one exception...
Mrs F: Yes?
DJ: You'll have to sing Happy Birthday yourself. I'll count you in: 1,2,3 -
Mrs F: Happy birthday to you -
DJ: Farty!
Mrs F: Happy birthday to you -
DJ: Farty!
Mrs F: Happy birthday dear Farty, happy birthday to you!

Off for the weekend shop. Bumped into some old friends at the Gyle, then LMF called to wish me a happy 50^th birthday. Later, she came over from the Magic Kingdom to give me a hug and a 50^th birthday card. And a webcam. Oh, goody!

Then into town to catch a bit of the Embra Science Festival: Pixar are doing an exhibition at the National Museum of Scotchland; everything there is to know about computer animation, with examples from Luxor Jr. through Toy Story to Ratatouille. They even had a real 3D animation, viewable from any angle, which knocked my socks off. Even when I saw how it was done.

Stopped off at Forbidden Planet to pick up a Sonic Screwdriver, then home for a spot of gardening before Eldest Daughter, Son-in-Law and Youngest Grandson called from South Africa to wish me happy 50^th birthday. Nothing like rubbing it in. We discussed getting a webcam in SA so we could do face-to-face chats without the 12,000 mile round trip, carbon emissions, global warming etc., but the set-up costs out there are prohibitive and the running expenses are treble those in the UK. Which leaves...



Settled down to watch Dr Who, followed by Graham Norton and Any Dream Will ...Dr Who?



There was John "Captain Jack" Barrowman, shooting his weapon...



Denise van Outen taking on an alien cucumber...

And Andrew Lloyd Webber (above) as The Face of Boe (right).

Then a bit of blogging before bed. Perfick!

Three In A Bed

Tagged by Kissme. I've never been kissed tagged before, so I'm quite nervous. Not. I saw one tag last week that ran to 150 items, feck that. But this is quite short. Except that I'm making it unnecessarily longer by yammering on about it.

Three Things That Scare Me:

1. Ghosts.
2. George W Bush.
3. Bungee Jumping.

Three People Who Make Me Laugh:

1. Phil Kay.
2. George W Bush.
3. Non-Working Monkey.

Three Things I Love:

1. Farting.
2. Mrs Farty.
3. Choclit.

Three Things I Hate:

1. Them green things, wossname? Vegetables.
2. George W Bush.
3. ICBMs.

Three Things I Don't Understand:

1. The Inflationary Theory Of Cosmology.
2. QED.
3. Women.

Three Things On My Desk:

1. Cuppa tea.
2. Shortbread crumbs.
3. Speakers.

Three Things I'm Doing Right Now:

1. Writing this fecking post.
2. Listening to The Beautiful Corrs.
3. Farting.

Three Things I Want To Do Before I Die:

1. Swim with dolphins. I've watched them surf. Wow!
2. Dance on George W Bush's grave. Or Margaret Thatcher's.
3. Discover the secret of immortality.

Three Things I Can Do:

1. Can you guess?
2. Play Go. Badly.
3. Make people laugh. Knickers!

Three Things I Can't Do:

1. Stop farting.
2. Learn To Stop Worrying and Love The Bomb.
3. Put up with intolerance.

Three Things I Think You Should Listen To:

1. Music. Any music except rap.
2. Your heart.
3. Me farting. Ahhhh!

Three Things I'd Like To Learn:

1. To fart The Flight Of The Bumblebee.
2. SCUBA diving. See dolphins above.
3. HTML, so I can pimp my blog. Getting there.

Three Favourite Foods:

1. Banoffee Pie.
2. Choclit.
3. Pasta.

Three Shows I Watched As A Kid:

1. Captain Pugwash. Arrrggghh!
2. Dr Who. William Hartnell was my favourite right up until David Tennant arrived.
3. That one with the two numpties with the idiotic expressions, the jerky, drunkard's walk and the unintelligible flob-a-dob speech, flanking the pretty-but-shy one in the middle. No, this one.

Three Things You Should Never Listen To:

1. Rap music.
2. George W Bush.
3. People who tell you it can't be done.

Three Wonderful People To Inflict My Meme On:

1. Non-Working Monkey.
2. Apos-itivepessimist.
3. Cheerful One.

Aye Thang Yew.

Quiet Day in Embra

Not much going on at Farty Towels this weekend. Silver Wedding party went without a hitch. I think I may have accidentally brushed my hand against Favourite Niece's bum every time she sashayed past, but in fairness it took a massive detour to pass our table on the way from FN's chair to either the bar or the dancefloor. And she was up and down a lot. Mmmm. And the cake was nice.







Elsewhere on the planet, Steve and Damion should be reaching the summit of Mount Kilimanjaro on their charidee trek about...now. I'm half-hoping one of them will have wee accident so that I can conclude my wee trilogy with "Return in a Sling." Break a leg, guys!

But Shock! Horror! I play back last night's semi-final of Dancing On Ice to find that the gorgeous Louise off Emerdale, I mean Marilyn off Home and Away, er, actress Emily Symons and her professional skating partner Daniel Whiston have been bumped from the competition by the judges. How could anyone find fault with that lovely couple? :'(

Hit Gossip

Daughter C came traipsing in on Saturday and asked who was on The Friday Night Project? Why, Gossip, I replied. Who? Only the sexiest woman on earth, said I, playing it back for her*. Man, that lady must be the world champion cake eater! Hot or what? And then on Sunday, my new fave popular beat combo rocketed 7 places up the Hit Parade to the giddy heights of...number 31! You go, girl!

I was going to post something about Britney Spears and her "don't look at me, I'm shy" act, but everyone else will be doing that anyway, so I shan't bother.

* omg, I'm hipper than my daughter.