Sparkling Belongs To Me

So I was reading The Bloggess when I came across a post about someone called Jamie Cullum. Or was it Cullen? Anyway, this Gollum bloke seems to feature in some very popular films¹. And there seems to be a feck of a lot of sparkling going on in them.

Which is a bit odd, because I always thought that when vampires were exposed to direct sunlight, it made them fade like a cheap pair of curtains.

Not that I know very much about vampires; when I first read Dracula, I thought that the description of men and women dancing around in the catacombs, "naked to the waist", meant that their bottom halfs were naked. Be more specific, Stoker! (Shakes fist)

Any road up, my memory was jogged into something I wrote in this very blog a few years back. And guess what? I own the word sparkling! It only cost me a pound at the time, but now it's going to make me a gazillionaire!²

So pony up, Twilight fans. Every time you use the word "sparkling", you owe me, oh, let's not be greedy, how about a penny? (Rubs hands)

Ka-Ching!



1- That's "movies" if you're a Merkan.
2 - Not a real word.

Shit My Dad Said

Some time ago.

Dad worked on the top floor of a four-storey telephone exchange. There were no lifts (elevators), but the exercise he got from climbing the stairs every morning was still preferable to the drenching he'd regularly received while fixing junction boxes in the streets of Edinburgh.

Be that as it may.

One day, a uniformed police officer turned up by his desk, puffing and wheezing.

"Good day, my good man," or words to that effect, said the filth. "Would that be your car parked on the pavement downstairs, only it's causing an obstruction?"

"Would that be the silver Bentley?" asked Dad innocuously. Dad never drove in his life.

"Ah, no sir," replied the pig. "It's a blue Ford Escort. Sorry to have disturbed you."

And off he went.

Five minutes later, with much pounding on the stairs, the rozzer was back, gasping for breath this time. "Sir! Sir! There's no silver Bentley down there!"

"Oh, my God, it's been stolen!" Sharp as a pin, was Dad.

So then he made poor PC Plod go back down again, have another look to make sure, come back up and prepare to take a statement before declaring, "Ah, wait, the wife said she would be taking it today to fetch the shopping."

He would have loved Robin Cooper.

Build Your Own Stab-o-mizer TM

Have you ever had the misfortune to phone one of those call centres in India and waste several minutes of your life talking to some inarticulate moron on the other end of the line?

Have you ever had the misfortune to work in one of those call centres in India and waste several minutes of your life talking to some inarticulate moron on the other end of the line?

Have you ever felt like stabbing someone, if only you were face to face with the idiotic fucktard instead of several thousand miles away?

Well, now you can stab someone in the face over the internet, thanks to the patented Stab-o-mizer ^TM!

Previously only available to the security services, the Stab-o-mizer ^TM has now been optimized for home use. Cheap, 100% reliable and easily assembled from off-the-shelf components, this handy little device can be operated with no technical knowledge whatsoever!

All you need is the IP or email address of your intended victim, a steady hand and a cast-iron alibi. On second thoughts, scratch the alibi, you won't need it since you'll be thousands of miles away!

You will need:

• USB cable


• Joystick or PS2 control pad


• Webcam


• Servo motor from a Segway


• Hypodermic needle


• Live rabies virus (optional)


• Large roll of gaffer tape


• Soldering iron

Then follow the simple step-by-step instructions in this video tutorial.



Good luck!

<sup>Disclaimer: This tutorial is provided for information purposes only. No claim is made as to the accuracy or authenticity of the content of the tutorial. The author does not accept any liability to any person for the information or advice (or the use of such information or advice) which is provided in this tutorial or incorporated into it by reference. The information in the Stab-o-mizer tutorial is provided on the basis that all persons accessing the tutorial undertake responsibility for assessing the relevance and accuracy of its content.

No kittens were harmed in the making of this tutorial.</sup>

At the Edge of Knowledge Itself

"We're at the end of the universe, right at the edge of knowledge itself, and you're busy blogging!"

Apparently boffins are planning to destroy the Earth next week in a search for winos and that. Bit of wasted effort, innit? They could have visited any city centre in Scotchland on a Saturday night. Not that they really expect to find anything without a Unified Field Theory to properly tie together gravity and quantum physics.

Be that as it may, if I stay at rest much longer, I won't get my blog up to date before we're all killed to death by an artificial black hole. I'd hate to arrive at FSM Heaven with that on my conscience, I wouldn't enjoy the beer volcano or the strippers.

Logic - You're Doing It Wrong


Favourite Niece slapped her doctor's face after he told her she had a serious heart problem. His exact words? "You have acute angina." Did I mention she also suffers from partial deafness? (btw, he was wrong.)

My notes are getting ridiculously abstruse. One here simply says "wasps PETA". As if anyone could find it objectionable to kill wasps. Oh. Wrong again. FFS.

"My lover's got no money, he got his trampolines."

Damn, should have left that till Friday. Meh.

Jack Spratt could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean. They were vegetarians.

Oh, hurrah! Little Miss Farty's former abode is to be demolished on September 21. Assuming the world hasn't ended by then, of course. I'd better go and join the protest, I wouldn't want to miss that big bang.

Toot toot!

Spot The Difference

Forecast: Up to 10cm of snow in Embra over Easter.

Actuality:
And I needed a fast shutter speed to catch even that much.

Forecast: The baggage handling system at Heathrow Terminal 5 will handle both intra-terminal and inter-terminal luggage and will actually process 70,000 bags a day.

Actuality: 33 flights cancelled (so far) on day one and three flights took off with no baggage at all after the entire baggage system crashed.

Andrew Lloyd Webber:

Andrew Lloyd Weber:

In The News

Loved this quote today from In The News.

The M/S Explorer was the "world's first custom-built expedition ship" when it began operating in the early 1970s.

Canada-based Gap Adventures claimed it "goes where other ships cannot" on its website, describing its "ice-hardened double hull and a fleet of robust zodiacs" making it a "go-anywhere ship for the go-anywhere traveller".

The firm says the ship's captain, Uli Demel, is "widely regarded as the master of Antarctic navigation".

Excuse me, but I think you'll find quite a lot of ships have already been there, most famously this one in April 1912.