X Factor Drops Singing From Show

In a move that has shocked absolutely no-one, X Factor producers have announced that contestants will no longer be required to sing on the show. Not even miming like the celebrity guests plugging their new singles.

It is widely believed that the reason behind the move is to make more time available for Simon Cowell to pontificate about Louis Walsh's absolute and total lack of any musical taste whatsoever. Not to mention his rapidly-darkening hair colour, whiny voice and propensity to go off on one at the slightest provocation.

Insiders on the show have also pointed out the potential savings to be made by not having to pay any royalties to copyright holders, but since Cowell's record company, Sony BMG, already owns every song ever written, past, present and future, this theory has been widely discounted.

Former Pop Idol winner and Girls Aloud member Cheryl Cole, who has previously mimed live on the show herself, is said to be delighted at the news, as it gives her the opportunity to spend even more time fighting with the other judges and verbally abusing the contestants in front of the cameras.

Irish judge Louis Walsh, who manages Westlife, Boyzone and some pop groups, is understood to be disappointed that he will no longer be able to pull out his rulebook and claim that Cher's song wasn't actually a Beatles number as it was a solo hit for John Lennon.

Critics were quick to point out that the change will allow people with the musical ability of a dead sheepdog to win the show, but hurriedly withdrew their objections when they noticed that karate expert Wagner was standing staring at them.

Do Merkans Get Irony?

It's been said that Merkans don't get irony. I beg to differ, but let's put it to the test.

Every Sunday, the new Hit 40 UK is announced on the wireless steam radio. Since literally several people tune in each week to listen to their favourite modern beat combo or troubadour, this is a Big Thing. Sometimes a top artist is even invited onto the show so that we can see hear their reaction to becoming/failing to reach #1.

Rewind...

Last weekend saw the Televised Live Final of Britain's Got The Pop Factor And Possibly A New Celebrity Jesus Christ Soapstar Superstar Strictly On Ice, the culmination of a fifteen-week series on Channel 4, hosted by Cat "I'd never swear on live TV" Deeley.

The Winner's Song, imaginatively titled "The Winner's Song", was released on Monday October 13th 2008 by Irish transsexual Geraldine McQueen. As was LeoLeon lazyitis Jackson's first single since winning last year's Z Factor. So guess who was number one in today's UK charts?

Pink, of course. But Geraldine was #2 ahead of Leo Leon at #3. Simon Cowell, Leo Leon's boss, was reported to be spitting feathers. Leo Leon himself certainly was...I'll see if I can find/post the relevant part of the Hit40 show, but in the meantime, watch this:



Do any Merkans out there "get" the irony?

P.S. I am totally buying her followup Once Upon a Christmas Song, just to see the look on Cowell's face when his new protegé is trumped at Ecksmas.

P.P.S. Did I mention that Britain's Got... is a spoof? Just so that's understood. I'd hate anyone to think we were taking this seriously.

P.P.P.S. And there was no 15-week series.

P.P.P.P.S. But the hit single is real, and it really kept Jackson's piece of crap away from the top spot.

P.P.P.P.P.S. And Cat Deeley really did scream "Fucking Shut Up!" on national TV. Our free speech beats your free speech hands down.

Art For Art's Sake

Picked this up from Mike, who got it from Betty. Gah! I haven't read Betty's blog in ages. But it started here at Kid Shirt. Pretty simple, just post your 10 favourite 10cc songs in your blog and tell Kid about it. Even if you've never heard of 10cc! There doesn't even have to be ten songs in it. This guy is a genius. Or deranged.

Feck. I don't have a single solitary 10cc record, my youngest brother was the 10cc fan and took all his singles and albums with him when he moved out. Oh well, from memory then...

1. I'm Not In Love. My music teacher, Gigantor, was pretty liberal-minded and let us bring our own records in to play in class. I suppose it broadened our tastes and kept us interested. And we got to play this one full blast in the main hall while we were building the set and rehearsing for the school play. Along with Space Oddity.

2. I'm Mandy, Fly Me. 1976, first time I ever flew (Raleigh, NC). If this doesn't cure your fear of flying, nothing will.

3. Art For Art's Sake. You can't just say, "Today we will produce a work of art." You have to let the muse take you when it will. Sometimes it doesn't.

4. One Night In Paris. This track appeared long before Ms Hilton was even born. Still a favourite despite its current connotations.

5. Life Is A Minestrone. Minestrone, Crêpe Suzette, Lasagne, Cheese, what's not to love?

6. The Things We Do For Love. Innocent times, eh?

7. Don't Hang Up. Ok, I'd forgotten about this one until it came up in the YouTube listing. Don't Hang Up - final song by the original quartet, it says here.

8. Five O'Clock In The Morning. Still remember the first time I ever heard this, on the radio, no memory-jogging needed for that.

9. Donna. They don't make them like that any more. Sigh.

10. Dreadlock Holiday. I don't like Reggae. But this song became the exception.

Your turn, if you can be arsed. You've got about a week starting now.

Huggies or Pampers?

That's the question facing Britney Spears this week. Not for her kids, whom she seems to have lost in a Wildean manner, but for herself. For in the latest twist to this modern saga, it looks as if Ms Spears is fighting to retain control of her Chihuahua.


That's a euphemism for ladygarden, right? After my gran lost control of hers, she had to wear a nappy for the rest of her life. I blame the drink and drugs; gran always was a bit of a wild one.

As long as it means we don't have to put up with pictures of her shaven bits. Who wants to see someone's unmentionables?

Oh, you do? Ok.

Caution - Parental Guidance Suggested

Young children - very young children - should only be allowed to read this blog under grown-up supervision.

It says so right here:



2 x gay + 1 x slap = PG

I am such a potty-mouth.

(Thanks to M1nx for this one)

Doing the Hokey Pokey

Well it made me laugh.

As Good As It Gets

Oh looky, Doctor Who, Billie Piper, Daleks and The Stupid French all rolled into one.

Yes, ok, this is just a filler while I think of something deep and meaningful to write. But it's a laugh, innit?

(Not Safe For Coffee)

Hit Gossip

Daughter C came traipsing in on Saturday and asked who was on The Friday Night Project? Why, Gossip, I replied. Who? Only the sexiest woman on earth, said I, playing it back for her*. Man, that lady must be the world champion cake eater! Hot or what? And then on Sunday, my new fave popular beat combo rocketed 7 places up the Hit Parade to the giddy heights of...number 31! You go, girl!

I was going to post something about Britney Spears and her "don't look at me, I'm shy" act, but everyone else will be doing that anyway, so I shan't bother.

* omg, I'm hipper than my daughter.

Paris Hilton Full Frontal

Well, I've had this PC for a full month and still not been inclined to download any filthy interweb porn, what kind of sicko am I? But this made me laugh.