Let’s Pretend This Never Happened

Those of you with very long memories may remember my second-shortest post ever.

Well, guess what? Despite constant interruptions from Hailey, Victor and her menagerie of pets, not to mention her adoring readers, Jenny finally finished writing her book.



Let’s Pretend This Never Happened is available for pre-order from all good bookstores. And Amazon.

It. Is. Awesome.

Probably.

I've ordered mine. How about you?

I Have A Terrible Feeling Of Déjà Vu

Jenny the Bloggess has retired to her chambers to concentrate on her magnum opus.

Again.

I can picture her now: seated at her writing desk with a goose quill in her hand, her faithful hound Barnaby Jones Pickles seated at her feet (artistic licence), a huge powdered wig perched atop her head with bottles of Xanax and vodka secreted away in its hidden depths. A sheet of parchment gradually filling with elegant curlicued copperplate as she channels the spirit of Nancy W. Kappes, paralegal.

You go, girl!

Feeling the Heat

The fine city of Edinburgh hasn't always been the pristine jewel in Scotchland's crown that you see today. Situated slap bang on top of a coal seam, it's perfectly sited to take advantage of Nature's bounty with a roaring fire in every house, sometimes every room, for centuries. Not for nothing is the town still affectionately *cough* known as Auld Reekie.

Well, until the Clean Air Act and all that, when coal fires were banned in the city and we were all forced onto gas or that new-fangled "electricity". Some of us got quite a shock when the sand-blasters started their decades-long clean-up program on our buildings and we discovered that the natural colour of sandstone isn't black, as we'd assumed, but sandy. So what follows must have happened sometime before the switch.

There I am, sitting by the fire in the living room reading a book that I have bought with my own money. In walks my brother. Perhaps he's just been stung by a bee, or maybe he's on his period. Whatever the reason for his bad temper, he walks up to me, snatches the book from my hands, rips out the last several pages and throws them on the fire!

Well, it was all a long time ago and I've forgotten not only what that book was called, let alone who wrote it, but it still irks me that I was prevented from finding out how it ended by a selfish, insensitive twat. However, with any luck I'll come across another copy one day so no spoilers please. I'd like to find out for myself if his Merrie Men managed to spring Jesus from jail.

I Receive An Electromail

...from some bloke plugging his new book, Venn That Tune, to be published on November 13th. As he puts it, "It’s a book of classic song titles portrayed as Venn diagrams and graphs – what’s not to love?"

Frankly, it looks like a complete ripoff of that genius Salvadore Vincent, whose own excellent series of Venn diagrams illustrating song titles was the inspiration for my own Friday Charts (except that I tend to avoid using Venn diagrams because they're too fecking hard to compose artistically restrictive).

I immediately challenge the imposter, and receive the following cryptic response: "To be honest, Salvadore is a bit overrated and I end up doing most of the work."

How hard can it be? <clicky>



I'm outclassed. Go buy his book. You won't regret it. * thinks - how to illustrate that Walker Brothers hit as a Venn diagram? It's probly in the book *

You Can't Judge A Book

...by the blurb. Especially if the copywriter is some halfwit who hasn't even bothered to read the book they're supposed to be promoting. Well do I remember reading a book review that mentioned "the dragon Sauron" as if Sauron were indeed a dragon. In fact a small note in the appendix to The Lord of the Rings says something like "Smaug was the dragon Sauron wanted to use in the War of the Ring", and the reviewer had just snatched a few words at random instead of actually reading the book. Lazy git.

Anyway.

For the more graphically talented among you - and John - can you come up with a completely misleading cover illustration for a popular book? Or film or whatever. Post it in your own blog and leave a comment here to let me know.

Everyone else - any ideas? Drop me a line and I'll see what I can knock together.

Manic Monday

So much to blog about, so little time.

First things first. Sarah Peach has put together a bloggy book in support of the Warchild charity. And here it is:

You're Not The Only One - Charity Book for Warchild

It's got over a hundred articles in it, culled from some of the best minds in the blogosphere...which explains why I'm not in it. But it does have Anna off Little Red Boat. And Cat in the Cathouse. And Mike off Troubled Diva who did Shaggy Blog Stories last year. Miss Tickle, who sold me the word "sparkling". I could go on.

Tired Dad, Unreliable, enidd, Ariel, Léonie, Misssy, Angela-la-la, even Johnny B. Plus loads who I've never heard of till now.

You get the picture. Now get the book.

The rest of this post can only pale by comparison, but I'm good at shallow, so I'll persevere.

This was one of the first cassette tapes I ever bought. And then I wore it out by playing it on my Walkman all day every day. Oh Patti - Scritti Politti.



IBM have come up with a Roadrunner that can go faster than the one in the cartoons. Actually it's a super-dooper computer, running at petaflops speed. And it's made from spares off a Sony PS3. Now that it's been tested, it's to be disassembled and moved to New Mexico, where it will monitor the US nuclear stockpile.

Three reasons why you should be worried by this development:

1. No disassemble!

2. I'm afraid, Dave.

3. Let's play Global Thermonuclear War.

Oh, crap!

Innernet Buk

Postin over ther 2day

A Novel Idea

I think it's fair to say that everyone has a great novel inside them - it's just that, if they're anything like me, they're probly far to lazy busy to write more than one chapter before giving up.

Fear not, for the solution is now at hand!

I give you...(rat te-tat-tat-tat ta-TAH!)

The All-New Twenty-First-Century Online Collaborative Internet Novel!!!

I don't think I've ever used three exclamation marks before, I may have to go and have a little lie down...

I'm quite sure no-one in the history of mankind has ever had such a brilliant, original idea. And anyone who uses Google to verify that fact will be tracked down and shot for insubordination. La-la-la can't hear you anyway.

The Rules

• Prospective authors can join by emailing me. Only the crème de la crème¹ will be accepted, of course.


• Each chapter should end on a cliff-hanger and solve acknowledge the previous chapter ending.


• There will be a weekly vote for the style in which the next chapter should be written.
  e.g.
  
  
  
  • Tabloid: Cat in Mat-Sitting Shock – House Prices set to Crash
  
  
  • Sci-fi: The space-cat wrapped its tentacles around the mat and snarled, “What are mew looking at?”
  
  
  • Horror: With its stainless steel claws, the cat slashed John’s guts open before it lost interest and fell asleep on the mat.
  
  
  • Western: A mean, old, scarred tom-cat curled up on the rush mat outside the saloon.
  
  
  • Romance: “Oh, Tiddles,” exclaimed Betsy, as the pampered puss lolled on the mat, “do you think he even knows I’m alive?”
  
  
  • Chaucer: Ye catte satte upon ye matte. For sooth.
  
  
  • Technical Manual: Attach cat to mouse-mat using bonding resin #3b before applying sticking plasters to exposed skin.
  
  
  • Agony Aunt: Er...
  
  
  • Legal Document: Um...
  
  
  • Manga Comic: Well...
  
  
  • Fantasy: You get the idea.

Who's up for it?

¹ Anyone who can spell "novel" using nine letters or less.