And The Winner Is...

Password
Spanish Goth by a mile, although I suspect something nefarious: those numbers in the poll don't add up. Dubya wasn't voting this time, was he?

So yeah, runner-up prizes to Debi, Sew, Honey and Mr H. Well done, y'all!

Debi, Sew, Mr H - I still have your details from last time - probly broken some data protection law, meh - so your prizes will be on their way as soon as I can be bothered.

S & J - obviously I have no idea about either of your RL identities *cough* but if you can supply a snail mail address where you'd be able to collect them from, your prizes too will soon be winging their way to
and respectively.

Toot toot!

PS As always, I can be contacted at MrFarty at blueyonder dot co dot uk

Christmas Competition Entries

The waiting is over. A massive number of entries have been collated, sorted, catalogued and prepared. All five six of them. Now, it's up to you.

Which of these worthy contestants deserves an exclusive (cough) prize from the vaults under Farty Towers? Think it over while I try to remember how to post a poll...

Spanish Goth - Pass WordYour name? Pass

#Debi - Downloading

Sir Bruin - Vapourware

Sew - Data Miner


Honey - Blue Screen of Death

Mr H - Vapour Wear

Computer Terms Illustrated #10

Where do these things keep popping up from? Anyone would think I'd spent my entire life immersed in computer technology or something. *cough*

Pooter

Analog

Digital

Symbol Table(sp?)

Cascading Style Sheet

Peer to Peer Network

Malwear

Virus Scan

Minesweeper

Artificial Intelligence

Natural Stupidity(Click on image to see why)

Did I mention there's an Xmas Competition where you can win fabulous prizes, lasting glory and that? Just submit mention any picture idea that you think would might make a good illustration for this series. The winning idea will be published prominently with full accreditation to you in this very blog! Gasp!

So far I've had entries from as far afield as, er, Belgium. All from Spanish Goth. Is there anyone else out there? Hello?

Xmas Competition

So. People have been wondering where I get my ideas for Computer Terms Illustrated. The simple answer is that they just pop into my head fully-formed, and sometimes that answer is true. But more often it's like this: I'll read or hear a word, write it down and then turn it over in my head for a few seconds days until an apt illustration suggests itself.

Like "blade" - you must have seen IBM's TV ads for this piece of electronic wizardry. I still have no.fooking.idea what they mean by that word, but I know exactly what it means to me:

Kate "Babushka" Bush


Lucy "Xena" Lawless


That bloke off Lord of the Rings


However.

There are a few terms whose "true"¹ meaning still eludes me. And that's where you come in, dear reader. All you have to do to win a FANTASTIC PRIZE² is to submit a half-decent picture to illustrate any or all of the following pooter-based expressions:-

• Dark Fibre


• Data Mining


• Vapourware


• Spoofing


• Password


• Blue Screen of Death


• Bit Map³


• Anything I haven't already done, really

Rules
Multiple entries accepted. Pictures can be emailed to MrFarty at blueyonder dot co dot uk or posted on your own blog with a link. Or stolen off the intertubes, in a pinch⁴. In the highly unlikely event that more than three or four entries are received, there will be a fight to the death to decide the winner. Or a poll or something. I haven't thought that far ahead. Closing date November-ish.

Update: Fer feck's sake! Anybody? Christ. Right. If you have an idea but can't draw, take photographs or be arsed to surf the intertubes for a picture, just TELL me your idea. Like the inestimable Señor Goth (thanks S).

¹ For a given value of true.

² Ok, it's a Scottish calendar.

³ Like I say, they just come to me like *click* that! Better hurry up.

Hob-bit Map


⁴ Not that I would ever drop to that level. *cough*

Village Fête

Now that the Embra Festival is drawing to a close once more, the weather has, naturally, taken a turn for the better. In fact it's been downright sweltering. I'd love to be able to strip off my top and do a bit of Naked Blogging, but those pervy neighbours would just totally get off on my beautiful man-boobs. What to do?

Aha! If I hunt around, I can emulate Adam and Eve and cover my modesty with, er, ivy leaves.

Sorted!



Er...

Sorry if you were drinking tea, coffee or wine. Just send me the dry-cleaning bill.

If this doesn't win me a prize at the Village Fête, well, I won't be at all surprised.

What did surprise me is that Anna is moving to San Francisco. Blimey!

Competition Results

So how did it go?

All in google.co.uk with safesearch off:

Diesel with 'Monkeyhands chicken' - 1/68.

Zoe with 'girlfriend daughter' - probly somewhere in the top 100,000/1,080,000.

Sewmouse with 'Schroeder Trundle' - 1/14,400.

wtf is a trundle anyway? Oh.

Laurie with 'zebra elucidation' - 1/41,600.

Cat with 'Lorraine Kelly' - nowhere to be seen in the first several hundred out of 322,000.

...despite six hits on her own site - bi-curious?

Brom with 'nhadau topographic' - 1/37.

Apparently a nhadau is a type of short giraffe, native to the mountains of Norfolk.

Step forward Laurie and collect your prize. Erm. Send a suitable snail-mail address to mrfarty at blueyonder dot co dot uk and I'll stick it in the post. You like spaghetti, right?

Blogoversary Competition

Jings, has it been a year already? I suppose I'd better come up with some witty and erudite blogoversary post...hmmm...here's one. Can I remember, without going back to check, who my first ten commenters were? No.
(OK - How many did you get? That's not the comp. Read on.)

Pierre L - Because he was the first. Didn't seem to have his own blog at the time. Still doesn't, apparently, but still seen lurking in the blogosphere this week. I have my ways.

Pat - The first blogger to comment here. Also John G's second mum. I still dip in from time to time, but that comment moderation thing is a regular PITA. Grr!

Monkey Mother - Another non-blogger, although I'd love to read her musings. Best known for her non-working daughter...

Er...

That's it. I drew a blank after that.

I was quite surprised to be reminded who the other seven were:

Anxious - An anonymous blogger; I had just figured out after about a year's detective work where she lived, when she pulled up sticks and moved. Boo! Now I'll have to start all over...oh. That was easy. Anxious is still recovering from Total Kidney Failure. The drug therapy sounds familiar.

Zoe whose boyfriend is a twat - Her blog took its one millionth hit the same day that I started blogging. Popular or what? Hmmm, I see that The Twat is blog-sitting for her as I write - and we all know what that means! (Sheds, in case you didn't.)

John Greenwood - Crivvens, I knew I'd been reading his blog for a while, but had forgotten that he'd been reading mine since day one! That reminds me, today is Joke Tuesday - <clicky> - chortle!

Cat - A Scotch blogger from even further north than Embra. Also a big fan of Morrissey, just like me:


Kissme - I used to read her blog a lot before I started my own. Oops, haven't visited in months...then again, she doesn't post all that often nowadays. That's still no excuse, my bad.

- Bossy? Bossy Who? Name rings a bell...Canadian, apparently. Has a small horse called Stella. And a big heart. Still, that's what Inderal is for.

Bossy is planning a Road Trip across the USA. Here's an idea for financing it: How To Pay For Bossy's Road Trip. Okay, that's a stupid idea; here's a better one: Send money now.

Cheerful One - My favourite little red-headed schoolteacher. No horse, but - get this - the number one Google search result for 'ukulele knitting' (unless you count eBay). I've always wanted a knitted uke.

I see I'm no. 1 for 'farty banoffee', but that doesn't really count, cos Farty is my blogger name. And Non-Working Monkey is no. 6 even though she hates banoffee pie.

Thinks...here's the competition idea.

'banoffee fuckers' - Yayyy, I'm top out of 227!!! Not that I would ever fuck a pie, banoffee or otherwise. That would just be wrong. What a waste of pie.

Your challenge: Pick exactly two words, not in your name or your blog's name, that score you as no. 1 hit in Google. Out of how many? The more the better. I shall award a prize to the best, or the funniest. Or both. Competition closes on Feb 10th, for reasons.

Farty's Ecksmas Competition

Mr Farty has been oot and aboot aroond Embra with his rusty trusty camera, taking snaps (do they still call them snaps?) of the auld toon and the new deckarayshuns. After a quick dab with Paintshop Pro^TM, here are the results.

Your challenge, should you choose to accept it, is to identify which picture has been touched up (adding text doesn't count). Whoever spots which item has been cloned will get a virtual pat on the back. Whoever can correctly identify what has been digitally removed from the same picture will win a prize.

Update: Either Paintshop is so good that nobody can see the join and figure out what I painted over, or nobody can be arsed. Well, I've already bought the prize, so I've decided to make it easier for you. After all, it's Ecksmas.

In the event of a tie, complete this sentence in as many words as you like: "I should win the prize because..."

So what's the prize? A superb, hand-knitted Scotch mouse-mat and matching coasters!!!

Ready...steady...one more thing. Competition closes on Ecksmas Eve. The prize will be delivered in time for Ecksmas Day¹.

Go!

This picture coming up...


Did you see it? You do know you can click to enlarge any photo here?

¹ 2008, obv.