Psychiatrists 'Worse Than Useless', Psychiatric Study Shows

A new study in The Lancet has proven what many of us have suspected for years: criminally insane nutjobs have been blagging their way back out of secure units into 'scare in the community' programs by 'telling lies' to their psychiatrists.

Typical phrases seen over and over in the psychiatric evaluation reports include: "I feel fine now, doctor", "No, really, it was just that one episode" and "I hardly ever get the urge nowadays to run amok with a meat cleaver in the local shopping centre".

Closer examination of the data leads to the earth-shattering conclusion that out of 2500 violent lunatics who went on the rampage after their release, all of them without exception would, if locked up indefinitely, have only been able to harm themselves or other schizos. Who don't count.

Shrinks have been quick to defend their profession, claiming that they never expected loons to be able to string more than a few words together, never mind come up with a coherent argument for why they should be allowed near sharp objects.

"So tell me again," said leading trick-cyclist Albrecht Schadenfroher, "what's this thing you call a 'lie'? I can't quite get my head around it."

Outrage Over Charlatanry Claims

Charlatans were outraged today over claims that Charlatanry might actually be an effective treatment for something.

"I went to see a charlatan after conventional medicine failed to cure my baldness," explained Major Buffy Cohen (retired). "The quack made me lie face-down on a couch while he played a tape of whale song, or possibly Rolf Harris playing a didgeridoo, then he waved a crystal over me for a bit and muttered some mumbo jumbo. Didn't make a blind bit of difference, of course, but when I saw the size of the bill a couple of weeks later, it completely cured my hiccups."

The British Association of Charlatans, Quacks and Snake-Oil Representatives in Europe (BACQSORE) have already issued a writ for damage caused to their reputation as complete fraudsters, even although they are not yet sure whether the alleged treatment was for a recognised phony medical condition like restless leg syndrome, having a sloping forehead or pregnancy.

"These allegations are as scurrilous as they are true," said an outraged spokesman for BACQSORE. "Our remedies are world-famous for being proven to be totally ineffective in controlled double-blind clinical trials and we are prepared to stand up in court if need be to refute these unsubstantiated claims of effectiveness using the highest-powered liars, er, lawyers that money can buy. If we could stand up. Which we can't. Bit of a bad back just now. You don't happen to have any painkillers on you, do you? I think I've pulled something. Could you call a doctor? While we're waiting, can I interest you in a couple of gallons of 100% natural snake-oil, er, bio-diesel? Sourced from free-range Guatemalan rock-pythons, guaranteed to stall your engine within 100 yards. Or bring you out in a rash. Whatever."

Simon Singh was unavailable for comment.

Major Misunderstanding

Glimpsed an article on CNN today, something about barristers wearing bikinis? Apparently the people of Washington are up in arms about it, and quite right too.

How is a jury supposed to concentrate on the case in hand when there's a scantily-clad chick prancing around the courtroom shaking her booty? Or is that the idea?

"Your honour, my client is innocent, as I'm sure these twelve good men and true will agree." Shimmy-shimmy. "The fourteen stab wounds in the back of the unfortunate so-called victim are evidence only of the worst case of suicide in legal history." Flutter-flutter, wiggle-wiggle.

"How does the jury find?"

"Er, what? Yeah, whatever she said." Slobber-slobber. Drool.

"Acquitted. Next!"

It would certainly speed up the legal process.