Technoranti

Updated: Welcome, BOSSY's readers!

It's this blog's second birthday, yay!!!

My loyal readers reader has suggested that in accordance with the rules for two-year-olds, I should throw a tantrum, so here goes...

I took a look at this Technorati thing after hearing that Jenny the Bloggess is in the top 2,500 and it says this blog is right up there in the top five.Million. Sigh.

But apparently by "claiming my blog" I can get access to lots of cool¹ Technorati gadgets that'll help me improve my rating. No problem...

<clicky> Register with Technorati.

<clicky> Confirm you're the owner.

<clicky> Claim that blog!

Oh.

It seems that my blog has been "flagged", WTF that means...

<clicky> blah blah Sploggers? blah blah...DOs and DON'Ts blah blah

• Do not republish content from other sites without adding your original commentary or reaction.

Hells, I live to add my own commentary or reaction!


• Do not tag exessively [sic] ...over-use of tags in your posts...blah blah blah

btw, have you noticed my new tag cloud? Over on the right and down a bit...yep...stop. There. I had to tweak it a bit to show just the tags that occur seven times or more in my blog, otherwise the tag cloud would be bigger than the page. That's not excessive...is it?


• Do not publish posts with nonsense text.

*cough*


• Do not be overly repetitive.

Which is why I've given up my Friday Chart. That and boredom.


• Do not use links that take the reader to completely different content than what is expected.

Would I do that? Oh, you mean the Stab-O-Mizer video tutorial? Sorry 'bout that.


• Do not promote ... objectionable content.

What, and lose most of my blogroll and half one of my readers? Fook off.

But just to add insult to injury, when I went to claim my other blog² it turns out that that one has a higher rating than this one.

Just a few million higher, admittedly, but still. That stings. Especially since I haven't posted anything there in months.

I'd post something over there right now, but now I'd be worried that I might pull down its blog ranking, sigh.

No, wait. Is 4,978,471 better bigger than 1? Hey, I'm a GREAT blogger! Yay me! Maybe I will do that nude photoshoot after all!


Brrr!

¹ But are they as cool as my patented Stab-O-Mizer??? Hells no!

² You do know I have another blog, right? Well, I say mine. Actually, it has lots of authors. Most of them can even do joined-up writing. I just forget it's there administer it. Wanna join in?

Oh Looky!

A new post in The All-New 21st Century yadeyadeya!

Go on! Read it! Now!

A Commission!

Mr Farty has had a request to "work some magic" on a ladyfriend's photo so that she can pull the blokes in one of them online dating sites. Let's call her Hamster, to protect her anonymity¹.

Ladies, I've said it before and I'll say it again. If you want to catch a man, just show up naked with beer. Laced with Rohypnol.

Anyways, down to business. Fire up PaintShopPro and load Hamster's original photo.

One thing that strikes me right away is the hairstyle. That bowl cut is soooo last week, girl! Let's get out the clone brush and bring it down to your shoulders.

Now for those skin tones. Honey, I'm surprised you don't have rickets, living in perpetual darkness wherever it is you live (*ahem*). Do you have to take vitamin D tablets? Click on the Suntan tool and spread around the face. Use the right mouse button and Alt to adjust the brush size, and zoom in to work around the eyes and that. Or take a trip to a tanning booth.

Hmmm. Now your lips look too pale. Maybe a touch of red lippy, nothing too ostentatious. Use the Lighten tool to add highlights.

You know, that lipstick gives me an idea. How about we make you a redhead? Draw around the hair with the Freehand tool, so that we don't get blood everywhere, then apply an appropriate shade of red paint hair colouring liberally. Don't worry too much about going over the edges, as you can use the clone tool to smooth things out later.

Now pick the Toothbrush tool to bring up those really pearly whites. And maybe just a smidgen of mascara. Remember, less is more.

Finally, we need to pour you into into a killer outfit, something to show off your figure. I've got just the thing in my own wardrobe...hang on...


Et voila! Go knock 'em dead!

Don't thank me. Really.

¹ Actually, it's Cat.

A Quiet Week

'Sup?

Not much here in Embra. Some Philistines have desecrated (oh, that's a good word, must use it some more) the National Gallery of Scotland by wrapping some Campbell's Soup tins around the Doric (or is it Ionic?) columns at the entrance. It looks bloody awful, so I won't assault your eyes with a picture. I don't know much about art, and apparently neither does Andy Warhol.

I was late for work after a kilt shop went on fire in Princes Street on Friday. When buildings in the Weeg go on fire, it's usually an insurance job, but here it's more commonly some developer fed up with trying to get listed building consent to knock it down. Meh.

We had a shark here on a day trip from the West Coast. Maybe it was here for the fire sale? It had better watch out for hungry Japanese tourists.

The Embra Festival starts today, whatever that is. I'm planning to go and watch Jihad The Musical, to gain some insight into how people from other cultures live. *cough*

Which reminds me. There's an excerpt from Bin Liner's blog over at Celebrity Litigation. And another one from Jesus. You should go and read it, it's very funny. I should know.