Banned from the Co-op – Didn’t like shopping there anyway!

Yesterday I was at my local Co-op buying a large bag Pedigree Chum dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Pedigree Chum Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Chum nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from the Co-op!

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends - it will be
their laugh for the day...

(Thanks to Jennifer for this tale)

The Oldest Face in Scotchland

Scienticians recently unearthed what is described as The Oldest Face in Scotchland.

The 5000-year-old stone carving was found in Orkney, which is that bunch of islands up at the top of Scotchland. Somebody must have had really sharp eyes to spot it: it's fooking tiny.

It went on display in Embra Castle and loads of people paid a fortune to come and see it. They could have saved themselves the trouble - you can see Ming Campbell at his Fife constituency any time you like (except when he's fiddling his expenses in London). He's richt auld. Heh.

Oldest Face

Ming Campbell

Anyway, it's gone on tour with Rod Stewart or something. More details here.

Nothing To See Here, Move Along

It's been a pretty quiet day, all in all.

You might want to pop over there though. If you can be bothered, like.

Loue Doth Bleede

Fro romaunce cut off
Ich ye peyne smert suffreth nat
Onis or tweye tymes ynogh was
And vainlye was it al
Tyme wendeth onn
Ere ye knowest it ye be freezen

But som thynge chanced
Wyth thee initiallye
Myne heorte vnto ye very soile doth melte
Som thynge trve descouvert
Eek everich oon ys castynge aboote
Weneth Ich am becom as Heather de Mills

But Ich rekketh nat what they speake
Ich dost loue thee sikerly
To pewlle me awaye they doth try
Yet they noot sooth
Mine herte ys y-cripped by ye veine
That Ich dost shutten ayen
Thou bvtchereth me & Ich

Kepe y-bleedyng
Kepe, kepe y-bleedyng loue
Ich kepe y-bleedyng
Ich kepe, kepe y-bleedyng loue


Wyth apollogys to Geoffrey Chaucer and Leona le Wys.

Naked Singularities and the Grandfather Paradox

According to New Scientist, it's theoretically possible, if you can find a naked singularity, to build a time machine. Apparently, naked singularities are an embarrassment to physicists, prancing about with no clothes on and that.

"I don't know why people immediately think that time travellers will be overcome with a desire to commit murder," says boffin Fernando de Felice, referring to the grandfather paradox. This states that you can't go back in time because you might kill your grandfather and thus prevent your own birth.

I think he's got it back to front.

Alex has a rich and powerful grandfather and can't wait for the old miser to keel over and pass on his riches. So he borrows capital against his inheritance and builds a time machine to take him back to the years of his grandfather's youth, neatly sidestepping the security guards in the process.

He murders the defenseless youth, then realises that Grandad hadn't yet made his fortune as the time machine promptly disappears.

But wait! Alex knows a bit about the stock market, so he's able to buy low and sell high when there are large, "unpredictable" swings in the market - which he remembers from his history lessons.

He makes his fortune, marries a nice girl, and gradually comes to realise that his wife is Grandma. Which make Alex his own grandfather. How to prevent his own grandson from going back in time and killing himself?

I hate naked singularities. They give you a sore head.

I See Stupid People

According to author Arthur C. Clarke, "If a scientist tells you that something can be done, he is probably right. If a scientist tells you that something can't be done, he is probably wrong."

I have an addendum to that one: If he tells you that people with dark skin are not as bright as Caucasians, he can expect to get blasted in the media.

Dr James Watson, who shared the Nobel Prize for his work on revealing the secret of DNA, has made the rather startling pronouncement that black people are less intelligent than white people.

This is on a par with claiming that women are more temperamental than men, or that old fools are more likely to make sweeping generalisations than young post-graduates making grant applications.

All in all, it just doesn't sound like the kind of thing I'd expect a proper scientist to say. Usually any scientific statement is tempered with a heavy dose of "ifs" and "buts". In fact, the most reliable way to tell if someone is a scientist is to ask for a straight answer to a straight question.

The genuine scientist will always reply: "It depends. We need more funding - I mean we need to do more research."

Other Nobel laureates include:

• Kofi Annan (Ghana)


• Derek Walcott (Jamaica)


• Wole Soyinka (Nigeria)


• Albert Lutuli (South Africa)


• Nelson Mandela (South Africa)


• Desmond Tutu (South Africa)


• V. S. Naipaul (Trinidad and Tobago)

You may not need to be a rocket scientist to win a Nobel Prize, but neither do you have to have white skin.

And that's a scientific fact.

Scunnered

Ming The Jobless

Getting Senile Dimensions

Princess Beatrice off the Royal Family has landed a part in a movie about, er, a royal family.

Footballing leg end Wayne Rooney turned down the chance to appear in Nickelback's latest video because he thought it wasn't cool enough.



Two million hits on Youtube and climbing.

I had a brilliant idea to link these two stories, but it's gone. Ho-hum.

Sincere Apologies To All

Over the past few months I have posted funny pictures and jokes for the benefit of imaginary friends who I thought shared the same sense of humour. Unfortunately this wasn’t the case and I seem to have upset quite a few people who have accused me of being sexist and shallow. If you were one of these people, please accept my humblest apologies.

From now on I will only post entries with a cultural or educational content such as old monuments, nature and other interesting structures.

Below is a picture of the Pont Neuf Bridge in Paris.

P.S. For those of you who are interested, Pont Neuf is the oldest bridge in Paris and took 26 years to build. Construction began in 1578 and ended in 1604. "Le Pont Neuf" is actually made of 2 independent bridges, one with seven arches and the other with five arches.
Pont Neuf Bridge

Serpentes on a Shippe!

Just read this: Serpentes on a Shippe!

Thanks to Lucy WithaY.

Cool, Clear Water

I am on a training course, learning about the most exciting development in IT since the last one. Struggling to stay awake, I stand up, cross the room and start to pour myself some bottled water. The label on the bottle, being somewhat more interesting than the course material, engages my attention. It is a piece of copywriting gold.

The cool, clear, natural mineral water sourced from the Caledonian spring on the Eastern edge of the Campsie Fells is one of Scotland's purest mineral waters. For centuries the Campsie fault has guided and filtered the Scottish rains through layers of volcanic rock to create an underground source of purified natural mineral water. Caledonian mineral water is exclusively bottled on a protected estate owned by one family since 1508.

Let's just check that...
Natural - check
Filtered - check
Pure - check

Sounds perfect. All I have to do is raise it to my lips and - wait, what's this?

Best before June 2009.

Um. Excuse me? Could you just run that by me again?

The cool, clear, natural mineral water -

No, the bit at the end.

Best before June 2009.

Oh, right. Because after centuries of filtering through volcanic rock, and then being stored in a hermetically sealed bottle, it might go off within the the next two years?

No, after the next two years. Well, one year and ten months now. Come on, drink up.

Ah, that's all right then. Mmmm, tastes really, er, tasteless. What did you say was in it again?

Calcium, Magnesium, Potassium, Sodium, Bicarbonate, Sulphate, Nitrate, Fluoride, Chloride, Silicate.

Can't get much purer than that.

How To Be Popular On t'Internet

Farty's five-step foolproof guide to getting gazillions of good, um, feedback.

1. Publish a post with the word "competition" in the title.
Bloggers are fiercely competitive and will climb over each other to become the winner.

2. Put a funny picture in your post.
Everyone likes a good laugh.

3. Mention some sort of prize.
Mmmm choclit.

4. Er...


5. That's it.

Smiple really.