When Aliens Attack

According to that bastion for accurate reporting, Fox News, top NASA scientists have predicted an imminent alien attack on mankind. These aliens, who inhabit the planet Algoria, have decided that humans have done enough damage to our own planet via Anthropic Global Warming (AGW) and should be stopped before we melt all the comets in the Oort Cloud or something [sub - please check].



The only way to prevent such an onslaught is for engineers to construct a Humungous Orbital Geostationary Wide Autonomous Shield for Humanity (HOGWASH) to make the Earth appear invisible to outside observers, say these boffins. They estimate that if Congress approves an immediate grant for one billion dollars, that should be enough to fund a proposal to investigate a feasibility study into whether such a shield could be built in time to fend off the attack which could happen ANY DAY NOW!!!

When pressed for details, team leader Professor Huge Grant licked his finger, stuck in the air and announced that it would cost on the order of one trillion dollars per year to keep the shield operational, but on the plus side it would appear completely transparent from Earth. It would also need a constant supply of hookers and blow, for reasons which the team are still working out the details. Oh, yes it will.

Harry Potter was unavailable for comment.

A Watched Pot Never Boils - The Mythbusters Test

Did I ever mention I'm an award-winning animator? I am, but this isn't an animation. Sorry.

Scientists Hate Cats

It's true and I can prove it.

• Schrödinger's Cat
Erwin Schrödinger devised an experiment to explain how Quantum Uncertainty works. In essence, you put a cat in a box with some radioactive Caesium, a Geiger counter, a hammer and a vial of Prussic acid. After a suitable length of time has passed, there's a 50% chance that the Caesium has fissioned and the Gieger counter has detected it, causing the hammer to strike the vial, releasing the Prussic acid and killing the cat. But the only way to tell whether this has indeed happened, whether the cat is dead or alive, is to open the box, risking getting a faceful of claw. And serves you right.

• Einstein's Cat
Albert Einstein described how radio works by grabbing a cat and stretching it from New York to Los Angeles, then pulling its tail. No, wait, that's telegraph. In radio, you take away the cat. But what did he do with the cat?

• The Bloggess's Buttered Cat
Jenny the Bloggess took a cat and strapped a slice of buttered toast to its back, butter side up. Then she threw it off the roof to see whether she had invented perpetual motion. Surprisingly, the cat landed on its side. But thats' why we do science, because sometimes the results aren't what we expected.

Anyway, scientists - proper scientists - always use cats in their experiments and the reason for this is that scientists hate cats. Probably because cats keep destroying their laboratories with their laser eyes.
Pew! Pew!

Q.E.D.

Internet Driving Test

So Microsoft's chief strategy officer, Craig Mundie, reckons we should only be allowed on the intertubes if we have an internet driving licence.

I believe this is an absolutely brainless brilliant idea. We can use it to stop those pesky kids from getting online to download free music, play their Mafia World, Café Wars, Farmville and crap so that we can get on with the important business of Twittering.

Er...

Anyway, obviously, to obtain such a licence you'll need to pass some kind of test to prove your suitability to surf. Perhaps it would look something like this:

Internet Driving Test - Theory

Which of the following may cause loss of concentration in a long browsing session?

Mark three answers.

• Engaging in a flamewar with trolls


• Playing Farmville


• Putting a cassette tape in the CD drive


• Stopping regularly to reboot


• Two girls, one cup

Anti-spam filters prevent your inbox from overflowing. This means the users are less likely to

Mark one answer.

• See their browser freeze up


• Get their PC infected with a trojan


• Catch a virus


• Get followed by a p0rnbot


• See too much enough p0rn

Before starting an internet session it is wise to plan which sites to visit. How can you do this?

Mark one answer.

• Look at Google Maps


• Switch on your GPS


• Look in an atlas


• Type "p0rn" in the search box and hit "I Feel Lucky"

What percentage of all internet traffic does p0rn account for?

Mark one answer.

• 10%


• 15%


• 20%


• 99%

The fluid level in your coffee cup is low. What should you top it up with?

Mark one answer.

• Warm milk


• Distilled water


• Coffee


• Two girls, one cup

How can you tell if your PC is infected with a virus?

Mark two answers.

• The hard drive make a rumbling noise


• The hard drive make hardly any noise


• The hard drive stops and goes into reverse


• You get a popup offering free anti-virus software


• Your PC starts opening multiple windows with links to p0rn sites

What is the most common cause of crashing?

Mark one answer.

• Spam


• User error


• Other users


• Internet Explorer


• P0rn

An End User Licence Agreement is normally valid for

Mark one answer.

• Three days after the date you accept it


• 10Mb of browsing


• One year after the date you accept it


• 300Gb of browsing


• Surfing p0rn sites

Antivirus packages are fitted to make the

Mark two answers.

• Computer slow down


• Antivirus vendors richer


• Browsers run smoothly


• Viruses install more easily

What is the most likely cause of high disk activity?

Mark one answer.

• Bloatware


• Internet Explorer


• Antivirus software


• BitTorrent


• Trojan viruses


• P0rn

While on live TV, you receive an email from a co-worker with pictures of an Australian p0rn star. You should

Mark one answer.

• Try not to react


• Let them know how you feel


• Smile for the cameras, you're going to be on YouTube!


• Send them flame emails for the rest of your career/the day, whichever is longer


• Stab them in the face over the internet

Sky is Falling, Say Boffins

Climatologists at the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) claim in their latest report that the sky is falling and everyone should run for cover before it comes crashing down.

This latest shock news comes hard on the heels of a warning from the same august body that Himalayan glaciers could disappear by 2035, based on an email interview with Indian glaciologist Syed Hasnain, published in New Scientist back in 1999.

However, this time the Nobel Prize-winning authors assert that they have "got it dead right this time", quoting from the highly respected scientific journal the Oxford Storybook, in a peer-reviewed article published by Ian Beck and colleagues titled "Chicken Licken".

In this nightmare scenario, Professor Beck describes in graphic detail with illustrations and everything how the Earth's atmosphere will suffer catastrophic collapse, bringing clouds, planes, weather balloons and birds down with it. Property damage alone is estimated to run into trillions of dollars. Smaller species of wildlife are expected to be wiped out in a mass extinction. Or eaten by wily foxes.

Critics are already describing the latest revelations as "alarmist", "wildly inaccurate", "hare-brained" and "can I have some of what he's smoking?"

Paved With Good Inventions

It says here that the best scientific invention of all time was the X-Ray machine. And the TV and mobile phone never even made the top ten? Sure...

More interestingly, No. 5 on the list is the V2 rocket. You know, the successor to the Doodlebug. The one that killed thousands in London during the Blitz and thousands more prisoners of war during its manufacture. Great invention, that. Who made up the shortlist, Adolf Hitler?

Also, hands up who's even heard of the Pilot Ace Computer? Exactly. I call shenanigans.

My own top five inventions for their "impact on the past, present and future"?

1. The Time Machine. Because I wanna fight Morlocks.


2. The Faster-Than-Light Drive. Saves all that hassle of waiting years to get to your destination.


3. The Anisokinetic Punch. Transmits force through a 90° angle. Pretty cool.


4. Soylent Green. Tasty and nutritious, yum!


5. Multivac. The greatest computer ever, except for maybe Deep Thought.

Who said they had to be real?

Updated: Ezee-Keyzee

I've been thinking. Shut up, it can happen. You know how mobile keypads are all small and fidgety and hard to operate when you're drunk? Well, I've invented a keyboard like on a mobile phone but - and here's the clever part - instead of having all the letters of the alphabet, plus numbers and shit it's got a small, simple set of symbols pre-programmed to enter entire words and phrases at a single keypress! Yeah. So you can have LOL, ROFLMAO, WTF, "your retarded", "yo momma", ect.

I was going to post a Photoshopped picture to go with but I was rudely interrupted and now it's midnight, so you'll just have to use your imagination.

"You're welcome"

Updated: It coliary looks like this:

Geoengineering may be it, Royal Society says

From a search on "global warming" in Google News today:

Life may depend on giant sunshade

Boffins: Give up on CO 2 cuts, only geoengineering can work

World must plan for climate emergency - report

Royal Society warns climate engineering 'could cause disaster'

The most radical ideas on Earth might just save it

Climate may need emergency fix: report

Hopes dashed for geo-engineering solutions

Risky 'geoengineering' measures may be needed to save climate: Report

Investment in geo-engineering needed immediately, says Royal Society
‎
All clear as mud? Try this:

Shooting sulphate aerosols into the stratosphere would work well, said the Royal Society, as previous volcanic eruptions have shown in the past. When Mount Pinatubo in the Philippines erupted in 1991, for example, global temperatures dropped by 0.5C the following year.

Doug Parr, chief scientitian at Greenpeace UK, said: "The most promising option is to detonate all the world's nuclear bombs in Yellowstone Park, triggering the dormant supervolcano and launching dust and gases high into the stratosphere to block out the sun for decades, allowing the world to cool down to its natural temperature, whatever that is. This would also get rid of those pesky atomic warheads, so you know, win/win."

I might be paraphrasing that last bit, but I think it conveys the gist of the report. We're doomed.

Fathers of Invention

We all know that Fleming invented Penicillin in between writing his James Bond novels and building the first flying car, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, but what about the not-so-famous inventors and their creations?

In the beginning there was nothing except maybe some Hawking Radiation. Then Davy said, "Let there be Lamp. I love lamp." And there was lamp.

But there was nowhere for the lamplight to go, so Hilbert created Space, but it was still very hard to see what was going on with everything happening at once, so Hammer invented Time to break it up a bit.

Then Piltdown created Man out of bits of monkey and that. Newton designed a Cradle for him to sleep in. Man got hungry, so St Elmo invented Fire and Forman built the Grill so he could cook some of Darwin's Finches.

Man was lonely on his own, so Pavlov invented Dogs and Schrödinger invented Cats (or did he?) to keep him company. Still, Man was bored so Tarmac *cough* invented the Road for him to travel on and Shanks invented the Pony for him to ride.

After a while, Man came across Woman. She had been trapped in Faraday's Cage by Maxwell's Demons. "Help me!" cried Woman. Man refused, until she performed a Möbius Strip for him. Glimpsing her Pascal's Triangle, Man decided to rescue her, so Damocles invented a Sword for Man to cut the cage open and free Woman.

Meanwhile Ferris was busy inventing the Wheel, so Man attached some wheels to Constable's Haywain with Archimedes' Screws using a Phillips Screwdriver, which had been sitting around useless for the past few paragraphs.

The Öort Clouds were gathering as, crossing Wheatstone's Bridge, they rounded Sierpinski's Curve. Offering Woman a swig from his Klein Bottle, Man asked Woman her name. "Pandora," she replied. "And will you please stop looking down my Cassini Division, my eyes are up here."

"Her Box could do with a trim from Occam's Razor," he thought to himself as he tightened his Van Allen Belt and offered her a cookie from his Leyden Jar.
But she noticed his Nelson's Column and fended him off with Cleopatra's Needle, right in the Elgin Marbles.

Then Stephenson invented a Rocket which they flew to Barnard's Star before Higgs could create a Boson to destroy the Earth. The end.

Science Alert

Scienticians in California have announced that they have developed a working invisibility cloak, just in time for the latest Star Trek movie. Previous attempts used metals which absorb some of the light and so reveal the location of the cloaked object, but the current meta-materials are totally state-of-the-art.

"The cloak's design cancels out the distortion produced by the bulge of the object underneath, bending light around it - like water around a rock - and giving the illusion of a flattened surface," says the blurb on the BBC website.

See if you can guess what the hidden object is, then click on the image to see if you were right.

Vapourware

So the Merkan military-industrial complex are refurbishing their Trident nucular weapons for our UK nucular submarines (once the damage has been repaired) but they have hit a tiny snag.



They've got plenty of plutonium.



They've managed to source a DeLorean DMC-12 that can still just about reach 88mph.



But they've totally lost the plans for one vital component.



It's a mysterious but very hazardous material codenamed Fogbank.



Better known as a Flux Capacitor.



Without it, their nucular missiles are nothing more than fancy doorstops.



Or worse.



All the scienticians involved in the original design have either died, retired or "moved on".



Where's Marty McFly when you need him?

Random News

Salt.

We're all out of it, apparently. I blame the burglars. They must have sneaked in through an open window when we were off to that burglary summit with Jacqui Smith yesterday. Now what the feck are we supposed to put on our fish and chips?

There is no shoe.

President-baiting seems to be the new fashion, with shoes flying thick and fast when they're around. Unless you happen to be reading Chinese newspapers, which oddly failed to mention when their own premier was shooed off (me so funny) mid-speech at Cambridge University.

If you can't blind them with science...

Scienticians have developed a technique to make Gummi Bears out of cancer cells. And make them glow in the dark. Cool. Chocolate-flavoured semen can only be days away.

A question of sport.

If you're watching your favourite game, would you rather it was interrupted by porn or adverts? Personally, I couldn't care less, unless it's something really important, like ITV's coverage of the O.J. Verdict.

Beavers returning to Scotchland.

They're cute, they're furry, they're wet and they smell of fish. What's not to love? Also, some wild animals that were hunted to extinction four hundred years ago have been reintroduced to Scotch habitats. I can't wait to get my binoculars out and go for a bit of beaver spotting at the shower block of Embra University's female halls of residence.

Restraining order permitting.

Toot toot!

I Prefer To Think Of Them As "Coworkers"

Apparently anyone who drinks more than seven cups of coffee a day is three times more likely to have hallucinations, i.e. "seeing things that were not there, hearing voices, and sensing the presence of dead people". I need at least that much just to wake up. And the voices are usually saying, "Why does that guy have to pee in a bucket? Is the men's toilet blocked again?"

Graham Stringer, MP says that dyslexia doesn't exist and is merely a creul fcition invented to cover up pore teeching. He also claims that theirs no Santa, there never was any weapon's of mass destrucshun in Irack and piracy is not responsible for keeping global warming in cheque. Wotevs, Graeme!

Hands up who didn't laugh when they heard that five pirates drowned while making their getaway with a $3 million ransom? Now there's kaaaarrrrma!

And shock, horror! New research shows that three days of normal human farts cause the same amount of damage to the planet as a Google search. Unless we capture the farts, light them and use the energy to boil a kettle for a nice cup of coffee while we surf the interwebs.

Finally, take a look at this and say: "Awwwwwwwwwwww!"



Now go to your documents and post the 6th picture in your 6th file.

Toot toot!

News Update

Anyway, 84 unread blog-related emails in my inbox notwithstanding, I've decided to post first, read later. That can be another resolution. What have we got?

Some police drivers have been given a ticking-off for parking in disabled spaces while they spend a penny. Talk about taking the piss. (I'm here all night, folks!)

The same source reports that Canadian boffins have discovered too much thinking can make you fat. This explains Kate Moss but not Eamonn Holmes.

Meanwhile just around the corner from me in Inverleith, Embra, the Norse God of Thunder, Thor, disturbed an intruder in his Valhallah flat (apartment). A couple of well-placed thunderbolts soon saw the ne'er-do-well leaping from a first (second) floor window. I'm not one to point fingers or that, but maybe Lothian and Borders Police should check out Loki's underwear for flash burns.

Lazyitis sufferer Leo Jackson actually turned up this year at Embra Castle for the New Year's celebrations. Despite pleas from hundreds of screaming girls, Jackson insisted on finishing his set before lifting the portcullis to let them out.

And now it turns out that throwing a stick can kill your dog. Depending on the sharpness of the stick and how good your aim is (I kid, I kid). In order not to choke the poor beast, an expert encourages the use of an over-sized article, such as Eamonn Holmes.

Air New Zealand has just completed a two-hour passenger flight powered by vegetable oil, which causes fewer emissions than ethanol. Or in my case, cheese. Ahhhh, Wensleydale!

After a two-year hiatus (wait), Sleb Big Brother is back. I only know this, obviously, because I was passing through the living room on my way to the kitchen and spotted a gorgeous chick nice-looking girl on the telly and asked Mrs F, "Who's that girl?"
Without a moment's hesitation, she replied, "Michelle Heaton."
"What, off Hears'ay?"
"No, Liberty X."
"Same difference ¹. I never would have recognised her." Checks TV listings. "In fact, no wonder. That's Lucy Pinder."
"Who?"
"Exactly. I thought this was Celebrity Big Brother? And WTF is Tommy Fucking Sheridan doing on it?"
"That's not the worst of it," replied Mrs F. "They've got Latoya Jackson in there too. Look! There she is."
"Looks more like Michael Jackson, to tell the truth. Haven't you noticed you never see them together? I wonder..."

And then, joy of joys. "Oh, look at the funny wee man! Hahahahaha! Wait a minute, that's midget porn star Bullet McCoy! Holy crap! He's like, mega-famous! I hope they don't let him near the booze, that's all I'm saying. That Golden Autograph of his is legendary."

There were probly some other hangers-on and Z-listers there, but my night was made.

Bullet McCoy

¹ See what I did there?

Dying Of Man Flu

*cough* *cough* *cough*

Feck. I hate it when I don't feel well. Seriously, I'd rather be back at work but somehow I don't think they'd thank me for coughing all their germs that they infected me with FFS! back over them. At least, the last time I tried that, they gave me evil eyes, there's gratitude for you.

Anyway.

Am I the only one who's noticed that you never see Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana in the same room at the same time? Not that I'm suspicious or that, but...

Miley Cyrus
Hannah Montana

There's an old joke about the ambassador's wife at a big function in Hong Kong showing up with a fancy brooch on her dress with pretty Chinese characters on it, which then totally gives her a red face because it turns out the symbols translate as "Official Badge, City of Hong Kong, Registered Prostitute #324" (I may have got the number wrong). Thank feck that sort of thing's never happened in real life. In a scientific journal. Like the journal of the Max Planck Institute in Germany. On the front cover. Horny housewives? Really?

Talking of boffins, that work they're doing on their invisibility cloak is moving along nicely. Although, if it were me, the one place I would want to be fully visible would be when I'm halfway across the road on a zebra crossing.



I was planning to do an Ecksmas-themed Friday Chart post with a bar of gold to symbolise Spandau Ballet's classic 80's hit Gold!, but I couldn't find any songs called Frankincense and Myrrh to complete the trio. Meh. WTF is myrrh anyway? Sounds like a happy cat. Another great idea down the drain.





Only a Merkan would think to make handguns available on prescription for the elderly and disabled. As it says in Slashdot, what could possibly go wrong? Hey, I wonder if I could get one of those off the NHS in my present state? *hack* *cough* Those pesky kids are making way too much noise outside. 'Scuse I...

The Appliance Of Science

So Mrs F now has a funky new washing machine. Crikey, it's certainly got enough knobs, switches, flashing lights and shit. Still, even I have to admit the "Specials" make it worth every penny.



So. If the slapheads that design your appliances could design anything at all, what "extra features" would you look for?

Science Lesson Update

I never know when to update an existing post or just write a new one, it's not as if anybody reads this stuff anyway, but...

The UK Science Minister has echoed the fears of the RSC ¹ that science teaching in schools has been dumbed down, leading to ignoramuses and creationists finding their way into the scientific community.

In other news, scienticians at the Large Hardon Collider on the border between Switzerland and Australia have published a report identifying the cause of the recent explosion there thusly: "A flock of penguins must have flown into the intake valve. Probly. That or kids messing about with laser pens. Yeah. Definately not some new interns using the 17-kilometer tunnel to secretly test a new Formula 1 car and crashing it. No sirree!"

¹ Royal Society of Chemistry - what did you think, Royal Shakespeare Society?

Science Lesson

Apparently standards in teaching science in schools is are falling. Also English.

According to the Royal Society of Chemistry, schoolkids nowadays seem to know little or nothing of phlogiston, necromancy, dihydrogen monoxide, the epicyclic theory of geocentrism or even the steady-state universe. Nope, anything they don't understand is explained by the simple expedient of "Intelligent Design". And no wonder, with the state of education the way it is.

Claim: Carelessness causes fire.

Wrong. Fire is a self-sustaining exothermic reaction between a combustible material and an oxidizer, caused by an initial input of heat.

Claim: Invisibility Cloaks can be applied from a distance, so that the person rendered invisible can still "see out".

Nonsense. As any Harry Potter fan knows, anyone wearing an invisibility cloak can see perfectly well without any outside help.

Claim: Using a chaotic design, boffins can create chameleon circuits that change their behaviour according to the task at hand.

Chameleon circuit? Why does that expression ring a bell? Click on image to find out.

And now we're being told that lemmings are being driven to the brink of extinction by the wrong kind of snow.
Pur-lease! Everyone knows what kills lemmings.


I weep for the younger generation, le sigh.

Ig Nobel Contender

Cutting-edge research from the Royal Society of Chemistry, where boffins have finally discovered the formula for the perfect Yorkshire Pudding. Thank fook they're not wasting taxpayers' money on something frivolous like chocolate-flavoured semen.

Did I mention the time Aunty B set fire to the oven trying to show off her, er, cooking skills by demonstrating her own Yorkshire Pudding recipe? Bwahahaha!

Me, I just turn the oven to gas 7, open the packet, pop them on a tray and cook for 20 mins. Sorted.