Sparkling Belongs To Me

So I was reading The Bloggess when I came across a post about someone called Jamie Cullum. Or was it Cullen? Anyway, this Gollum bloke seems to feature in some very popular films¹. And there seems to be a feck of a lot of sparkling going on in them.

Which is a bit odd, because I always thought that when vampires were exposed to direct sunlight, it made them fade like a cheap pair of curtains.

Not that I know very much about vampires; when I first read Dracula, I thought that the description of men and women dancing around in the catacombs, "naked to the waist", meant that their bottom halfs were naked. Be more specific, Stoker! (Shakes fist)

Any road up, my memory was jogged into something I wrote in this very blog a few years back. And guess what? I own the word sparkling! It only cost me a pound at the time, but now it's going to make me a gazillionaire!²

So pony up, Twilight fans. Every time you use the word "sparkling", you owe me, oh, let's not be greedy, how about a penny? (Rubs hands)

Ka-Ching!



1- That's "movies" if you're a Merkan.
2 - Not a real word.

Shaun of the Dead on Twitter

ShaunotD:
Listening to The Specials - Ghost Town ♫ http://blip.fm/~8mcy0

ShaunotD:
Sitting @ pub munching hog lumps. @LittlePrincess seems to be upset for some reason. What does exacerbate mean?

answers:
@ShaunotD New A: Go to this URL http://bit.ly/2ClRM

LittlePrincess:
In pub with @ShaunotD @TinyDi @4eyes. Again. #someonekillmenowplease

Email from Twitter to BarbaraMum:
Ed2seconds is now following you on Twitter!

Ed2seconds:
Listening to The Blue Wrath - I Monster http://is.gd/1nviF

Ed2seconds:
Vegetating @ ShaunotD's playing Timesplitters 2 #retrogames

BigPete:
Really pissed with @Ed2seconds. #andidontmeandrunk

NoodleNoel:
d Ed2seconds Got nething? @Eball says u was holding.

Ed2seconds:
d NoodleNoel No man, I've only got an 'enry meself. L8rs!

ShaunotD:
Listening to Kernkraft 400 - Zombie Nation ♫ http://blip.fm/~8rr8y

ShaunotD:
At work. @Ash off sick and made me fucking King of the Zombies

NoodleNoel:
@ShaunotD You've got red on you.

King:
RT @NoodleNoel: @ShaunotD You've got red on you.

Yvonne:
@Shaunotd How are you doing?

ShaunotD:
@Yvonne Surviving.

ShaunotD:
Fuck. Forgot to book anniversary table @ theplacethatdoesallthefish. @LittlePrincess will go apeshit. #hellomynameismud

LittlePrincess:
@ShaunotD Goodbye, Mud!

LittlePrincess has blocked ShaunotD

ShaunotD:
Listening to Chicago - If You Leave Me Now ♫ http://blip.fm/~9dq1i #shuffle

Ed2seconds:
@ShaunotD Lets have @BloodyMary, bite @King's head x2@LittlePrincess stagger back & bang! Back @ bar 4 shots #Howsthatforasliceoffriedgold?

FUCKME:
@ShaunotD Want more followers on twitter? Add more friends the easy way with twadder --> http://bit.ly/e75Ch

Ed2seconds:
RT @BigAl: Dogs can't look up.

ShaunotD:
Singing Grandmaster Flash - White Lines ♫ http://blip.fm/~9a13a

ShaunotD:
Listening to Man Parrish - Hip Hop Be Bop (Don't Stop) ♫ http://blip.fm/~94nyk <- 2nd album I ever bought

BigPete:
@ShaunotD It's fucking Sunday and I've got to go to fucking work in four fucking hours because every other fucker (read more via Twitlonger)

Ed2seconds:
@BigPete Fuck, yeah!

BigPete has blocked Ed2seconds

Ed2seconds:
@Shaunotd Next time I C @BigPete he's dead. #twatcanttellhiphopfromelectro

ShaunotD:
My Daily Twittascope - The cycle of your life seems to be endlessly repeating itself. Set your sights high today. And you've got red on you.

Ed2seconds:
Morning, tweeps! I could murder a Cornetto!

Email from Twitter to ShaunotD:
BloodyMary is now following you on Twitter!

Ed2seconds:
LOL @ShaunotD snogging @BloodyMary http://twitpic.com/9bgvm didn't take him long 2 get over @LittlePrincess!

ShaunotD:
I just wounded @BloodyMary in an assassination attempt. #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy from Spymaster

Ed2seconds:
I just assassinated a one-armed bridegroom. #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy from Spymaster

JeremyThompson:
The attackers can be stopped by removing the head or destroying the brain #notusingthezedword

ShaunotD:
@metpolice Help! Being attacked by really, er, strange people #notusingthezedword

Twitter Status: Problem with All Tweets feed

ShaunotD:
I just assassinated a checkout assistant. #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy from Spymaster

Ed2seconds:
I just assassinated a random fat bloke. #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy from Spymaster

Ed2seconds:
RT @King: RT @NoodleNoel: @ShaunotD You've got red on you.

ShaunotD:
@Ed2seconds I heart @LittlePrincess.

Ed2seconds:
@ShaunotD Gay. #notthattheresanythingwrongwiththat

ShaunotD:
@Ed2seconds TakeCarGo2MumsKillPhilGrabLizGo2tehWinchesterHaveANiceColdPintAndWaitForAllOfThis2BlowOver #Howsthatforasliceoffriedgold?

ShaunotD:
@BigPete We're going to the pub. If you're feeling better later, you're ++welcome to join us.

Twitter has suspended @BigPete's account in response to unusual activity.

Ed2seconds:
Just borrowed @BigPete's car. Oops, just ran over something...or someone. Meh.

BarbaraMum:
RT Ed2seconds: RT @King: RT @NoodleNoel: @ShaunotD You've got red on you.

Ed2seconds:
Seem to have pranged @BigPete's car. He's going to be pissed #andidontmeandrunk Oh, look! A Jag!

King:
@ShaunotD Are we following you? #cluelessabouttwitter

Email from Twitter to ShaunotD:
TinyDi is now following you on Twitter!

4eyes:
d TinyDi I'm not going out there.

TinyDi:
d 4eyes I don't want to be torn to pieces and if you think about it, neither do you.

Email from Twitter to ShaunotD:
LittlePrincess is now following you on Twitter!

Email from Twitter to ShaunotD:
4eyes is now following you on Twitter!

Ed2seconds:
@Niggaz 'sup?

Ed2seconds:
Listening to Eighties Matchbox B-Line Disaster - Mister Mental http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrROZRbeap8

Ed2seconds:
Goin for a spin in @King's Jag, feelin a bit dizzy LOL

ShaunotD:
Don't think @King was too happy having us in his car. Taking a shortcut now. Tweet later.

Twitter Status: There is a problem - don't panic

ShaunotD:
I just attempted to assassinate @DressingGownBloke, but failed. #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy from Spymaster

TinyDi:
Trying to teach my tweeps to act like vegetables #easierthanyouthink

Ed2seconds:
@ShaunotD Who died and made you fucking King of the Zombies?

NoodleNoel:
d Ed2seconds You get nething yet?

Ed2seconds:
d NoodleNoel I got nothing, I'm in the middle of something. It's weird.

ShaunotD:
@Ed2seconds Fuck fucking off! I've spent my entire life sticking up for you and all you ever do is fuck things up (read more via Twitlonger)

ShaunotD has blocked @Ed2seconds

4eyes:
Fuck this for a game of soldiers. Window - say hello to trashcan. #iamsocharltonheston

Trending Topics on Twitter - #twitterfail, #undead, #reanimated, #zombies, #brains, Michael Jackson, #followfriday

ShaunotD:
Going for a run. What did @FUCKME say?

FatZombie:
#followfriday @ShaunotD tasty #brains

Email from Twitter to ShaunotD:
Wheelchairzombie is now following you on Twitter!

Email from Twitter to ShaunotD:
Oldladyzombie is now following you on Twitter!

Email from Twitter to ShaunotD:
Bikerzombie1 is now following you on Twitter!

Email from Twitter to ShaunotD:
Bikerzombie2 is now following you on Twitter!

Email from Twitter to ShaunotD:
MichaelJacksonzombie is now following you on Twitter!

ShaunotD:
Was really pleased to have 200+ new followers till I found they were all robots #notusingthezedword

ShaunotD has unblocked Ed2seconds.

Ed2seconds:
@ShaunotD Might be a bit warm, the cooler's off.

ShaunotD:
@Ed2seconds Thanks, babe!

ShaunotD:
RT @BertrandRussell: The only thing that will redeem mankind is cooperation. <- I think we can all appreciate the relevance of that now.

Ed2seconds:
Listening to Queen - Don't Stop Me Now http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58CJih1iYC0 #shuffle

4eyes:
I just attempted to assassinate @Queen, but failed. #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy from Spymaster

ShaunotD:
I just assassinated @Johnlandlord. #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy from Spymaster

Ed2seconds:
@ShaunotD Why didn't you just shoot him, man?

ShaunotD:
@Ed2seconds for the last time, it's OMFG! #needcleanunderwear But dogs CAN look up!

ShaunotD:
I just assassinated @BarbaraMum. #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy from Spymaster

ZombieNation:
We just assassinated @4eyes. Om nom nom! #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy from Spymaster

TinyDi:
Listening to Average White Band - Pick Up the Pieces ♫ http://blip.fm/~9jf1q

ShaunotD:
#fuckadoodledoo @BigPete finally made it to the pub. He looks pissed. #andidontmeandrunk

Ed2seconds:
@BigPete Don't groan at me, you thick fuck!

ShaunotD:
I just assassinated @BigPete. #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy from Spymaster

ShaunotD:
I just assassinated @CockacidalManiac. #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy from Spymaster

LittlePrincess:
Going down on @ShaunotD

LittlePrincess:
Oops WITH. Going down WITH @ShaunotD and @Ed2seconds. To the cellar #mindlikegirlonetrack

ShaunotD:
@Ed2seconds I love you, man!

Ed2seconds:
@ShaunotD Gay! #someonekillmenowplease

ShaunotD:
Moving up in the world. Not coming back to this pub. #deadheadcentral #notusingthezedword

Yvonne:
I just assassinated @ZombieTwins. #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy from Spymaster

Yvonne:
@ShaunotD @LittlePrincess How are you doing?

Shaunandliz:
@Yvonne Surviving.

ShaunotD:
Listening to Queen - You're My Best Friend http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4vQwrHZWWk

Ed2seconds:
Vegetating @ ShaunotD's playing Timesplitters 2 #retrogames



Thanks to Simon Pegg and Ed Wright for the film, Script-o-rama for the transcript and Madhattermommy for the idea.

Computer Terms Illustrated #18

Every picture tells a story.

Killer Application

Agent

Access Denied

Flow Chart

Launch

Cache

Back Up

Deadly_Embrace

Point and Click

Footprint

Reload

Favourite

Interface

Comment"Shaken, not stirred."

Moving Pictures

So last night I was banished from Farty Towers for the evening, as Mrs F had a medium coming over to fleece her and her girlfriends hold a séance. Not the world's best psychic, I must point out, as she was due to bring her weegie board last weekend but had to cancel at the last minute due to unforeseen circumstances. Way to go, Derek Acorah! I think the reason I was expelled had something to due with malign influences aka uncontrollable laughter, which can understandably be a bit of a distraction when you're trying to summon the devil. Or whatever.

So I went to the cinema. The first one I visited had naff all on that I even remotely wanted to see, so I stormed out in a huff and went to the Odeon. While I was in the lobby deciding what to watch, my attention was caught by a poster for the upcoming Keanu Reeves remake of The Day The Earth Stood Still. I won't spoil it for you, in case you haven't seen the original 500 times already, but I'm pretty sure the Earth doesn't literally stand still, cos that would make everything fly off into space which would be expensive to shoot. And a bit sad.

Anyway, with both John Cleese and Kathy Bates in the cast, this film can't help but be totally awesome. Or crud, I can't decide. It depends which of them plays Gort the giant killer robot. I suppose Bates is a bit on the chubby side for the part, but then I saw Cleese in a wheelchair last week at Prince Jugears' birthday bash, so that kind of rules him out too. Although he may have been hamming it up. Hmmm.

I hope it is Cleese; I'd love to see him do his silly giant killer robot walk while shooting laser beams out of his eyes because that would, I think you'll agree, be totally awesome ¹.

Then I watched Avi And Britt Make A Porno, which was kind of weird, but very, very funny. Go see it.



¹ Sorry for overusing the word "awesome" in this post, but if you'd ever had kittens pee in your suitcase, you'd understand ².

² And if you still don't understand, you need to get out more.

You Can't Judge A Book

...by the blurb. Especially if the copywriter is some halfwit who hasn't even bothered to read the book they're supposed to be promoting. Well do I remember reading a book review that mentioned "the dragon Sauron" as if Sauron were indeed a dragon. In fact a small note in the appendix to The Lord of the Rings says something like "Smaug was the dragon Sauron wanted to use in the War of the Ring", and the reviewer had just snatched a few words at random instead of actually reading the book. Lazy git.

Anyway.

For the more graphically talented among you - and John - can you come up with a completely misleading cover illustration for a popular book? Or film or whatever. Post it in your own blog and leave a comment here to let me know.

Everyone else - any ideas? Drop me a line and I'll see what I can knock together.

Fantasy Film Director

I've just seen that new Harrison Ford effort, Indiana Jones and the Golden Zimmer or whatever it's called. Little Miss Farty's fiancé tagged along as he's into that kind of thing too. He reckoned the

SPOILER ALERT

little flashing tracker devices were cool, but completely anachronistic for 1957. Totally ruined it for him, 'cos everything else was so believable.

This got me reminiscing about my favourite moments in film and tv...

I remembered that X-Files episode where Scully is abducted by aliens who take her in their spaceship and dress her up in a nurse's uniform and then perform experiments to see what happens when they spank her with a table-tennis bat.

What do you mean, you "don't remember that one"? It's an absolute classic.

Or did I just dream it?

<clicky>

Nothing on Youtube or IMDB. *sigh*

Anyway. Imagine that some coke-addled Hollywood film producer has just handed you a blank cheque. You can make any film you like, with your own choice of actors, plot, locations etc. What would your fantasy film/tv series be like?

Sometimes It's The Little Things

Like a bunch of dandelions growing by the roadside.


Or an article in the papers that says most chicks at work don't like being called "love". Although oddly, ten per cent of South East dolls said they would take Babe as a compliment. Presumably the ten percent who haven't seen the film.

Or the news that, after making a detailed series of measurements and observations, boffins have concluded that Victoria Beckham's eyes really are bigger than her belly.

Or the way that women say odd things like: "Take the tablecloth off the table so we can have lunch; I don't want to get it dirty 'cos it's designer." Um, can you run that last one past me again?

Expelled

I've been ordered to write a post debunking some creationist film called Expelled.

Since I haven't seen Expelled, and don't intend to watch Expelled, and don't like being ordered around by a conspiracy of the scientific élite, I don't think I shall write about Expelled.

Feel free not to link to Expelled yourself.

I'm off to see what my fellow worshippers of His Noodly Appendage have to say about this.

Blog Whore

I am such a sucker for memes and tags and that. Or lazy. Whatever. I liked this one from Marie.

1. Pick 10 of your favourite films.


2. Go to IMDB and find a quote from each film.


3. Post them here for everyone to guess.


4. Strike it out when someone guesses correctly, and put who guessed it and the film.


5. GUESSERS: NO GOOGLING/using IMDb search functions. I mean, you can cheat if you want, but is it really that important?


6. One film guess per commenter.

So here are my film quotes. If you guess one right and I mark it thusly, feel free to guess on another one.

1. It could be worse - it could be raining. Laurie, Young Frankenstein


2. No parent should have to bury their child. The Immoral Matriarch, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers


3. I have got to get me one of these! Marie, Independence Day


4. Well, she turned me into a newt! ... I got better. #Debi, Monty Python and The Holy Grail


5. Who died and made you fucking king of the zombies? #Debi, Shaun of the Dead


6. Ok. Leave this to me. I'm British. I know how to queue. Sewmouse, The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy


7. Negative. There are no restraining harnesses in the cargo area, we'll be much safer in the cockpit. The Freelance Guru, Toy Story


8. No, I'm from Iowa. I only work in outer space. Laurie, Star Trek Ivy, The Voyage Home


9. Jesus. Bob, what button did you push? Mr H, Speed


10. I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way. #Debi, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

And no clicking on my profile!

More clues in the comments. But hurry, there's only one left!