Opposable Thumbs

So I was reading about polydactyl kittens and I got to thinking about what it must have been like when the first ever human baby was born with opposable thumbs. All the other mothers must have been like, "Ew! That's disgusting! You should get those funny-looking fingers removed right away, they make your kid look like some kind of mutant!" And the baby's mum would be all, "I know, right? But I don't know any really good surgeons, first of all because we're in the stone age or whatever and surgery hasn't been invented yet, but more importantly none of them seem to able to wield a scalpel properly and I'm not letting any unqualified half-assed dinosaur butcher anywhere near my kid's hands - OMG! My son could be a doctor! I'm going to enroll him in medical school just as soon as I can figure out how to hold a pen to fill in the form. I'm so proud of little Johnny Two-Thumbs. He won't need to write with his mouth or his toes or whatever we're using right now, he can wrap his thumb right around the pen and hold it in his hand. Get me Fox News, we're gonna be rich!"

I'm pretty sure that's almost exactly how it went. Assuming pens had been invented.

Technoranti

Updated: Welcome, BOSSY's readers!

It's this blog's second birthday, yay!!!

My loyal readers reader has suggested that in accordance with the rules for two-year-olds, I should throw a tantrum, so here goes...

I took a look at this Technorati thing after hearing that Jenny the Bloggess is in the top 2,500 and it says this blog is right up there in the top five.Million. Sigh.

But apparently by "claiming my blog" I can get access to lots of cool¹ Technorati gadgets that'll help me improve my rating. No problem...

<clicky> Register with Technorati.

<clicky> Confirm you're the owner.

<clicky> Claim that blog!

Oh.

It seems that my blog has been "flagged", WTF that means...

<clicky> blah blah Sploggers? blah blah...DOs and DON'Ts blah blah

• Do not republish content from other sites without adding your original commentary or reaction.

Hells, I live to add my own commentary or reaction!


• Do not tag exessively [sic] ...over-use of tags in your posts...blah blah blah

btw, have you noticed my new tag cloud? Over on the right and down a bit...yep...stop. There. I had to tweak it a bit to show just the tags that occur seven times or more in my blog, otherwise the tag cloud would be bigger than the page. That's not excessive...is it?


• Do not publish posts with nonsense text.

*cough*


• Do not be overly repetitive.

Which is why I've given up my Friday Chart. That and boredom.


• Do not use links that take the reader to completely different content than what is expected.

Would I do that? Oh, you mean the Stab-O-Mizer video tutorial? Sorry 'bout that.


• Do not promote ... objectionable content.

What, and lose most of my blogroll and half one of my readers? Fook off.

But just to add insult to injury, when I went to claim my other blog² it turns out that that one has a higher rating than this one.

Just a few million higher, admittedly, but still. That stings. Especially since I haven't posted anything there in months.

I'd post something over there right now, but now I'd be worried that I might pull down its blog ranking, sigh.

No, wait. Is 4,978,471 better bigger than 1? Hey, I'm a GREAT blogger! Yay me! Maybe I will do that nude photoshoot after all!


Brrr!

¹ But are they as cool as my patented Stab-O-Mizer??? Hells no!

² You do know I have another blog, right? Well, I say mine. Actually, it has lots of authors. Most of them can even do joined-up writing. I just forget it's there administer it. Wanna join in?

Random Crap

Ok. Whenever a thought strikes me, I note it down in my moby; just a couple of words or so, an aide-mémoire so that when I sit down here I can write it up in a post.

Somehow, this has run up to 48 points, many of which make no sense at all. Maybe I should sign up to Twatter and send them off as soon as they happen? Oh. Too late. Oh, well...

Jade Goody has got cancer. Now I feel bad, as if my calling her a fat ugly bitch somehow contributed to her present condition. No, wait. I didn't call her ugly. So that's alright then. But she is ugly. Damn. Now I have said it. I feel bad. Forgive me?

So who remembers Red Hat Lady from last months wedding? I was asked to email my most excellent photos to one of the bridesmaids. Who sent them on to her dad. Who forwarded them to his best mate. Who is Red Hat Lady's dad. Did I mention that I left the captions on the pictures? And that her dad is the one ogling her boobs? The dirty old pervert!

The Olympics are over for another four years, thank FSM. I only got around to watching ten minutes of Women's Beach Volleyball, after Mrs Farty went to bed. You need plenty of stamina, good hand-eye co-ordination and strong wrists for that game. And a box of tissues.

Apparently an Embra bloke called Chris Hoy has won some medals for pedalling really fast. Really, really fast. He trained at Scotchland's only velodrome, at Meadowbank stadium in Embra. And the cooncil are commemorating his achievement by naming the brand new velodrome after him. The new velodrome in Glasgow, where the 2014 Commonwealth Games will be held. And Meadowbank? Will be demolished and sold off to the highest briber, so that yet more flats/apartments can be built. Cunts.

Oh! Oh! Esmée Denters is releasing her first album soon! Squeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Shoelace burglar. Need I say more? Ok. Twat shoelace burglar.


Feminine logic. Mrs Farty took the kitchen clock down to clean it, turned it around and declared that we'd need to get a new one.
"Why?"
"Because the back is filthy."
"But no-one can see the back, so no-one will know."
"I'll know."

Some poor author (and former Children's Laureate) has had her book pulled from the shelves after three (3) parents complained about the use of the word "twat". But not until 150,000 copies had been sold. Now the publishers are changing the word to "twit". Fucksake! Oh, for goodness' sake! It's political correctness gone mad differently sane, I tell you!

Trapper keeper. WTF is that?

Pensioners are demanding that the road sign for old people crossing, a pair of hunched figures hobbling on walking sticks, is changed because it's too condescending. As it says in the Telegraph article, "A spokesman for the Department for Transport said that the sign was not intended to depict elderly people, but those who were frail." I must be getting old, I could swear that sign says "Elderly People".

Anyhoo, old people are much more mobile these days than we give them credit for. Vide:


Calling ugly ducklings everywhere! (Does that include Ms. Goody?) The mayor of Mount Isa is looking for ugly women to redress the gender imbalance in his town, where men outnumber women by five to one. The local ladies are, predictably, up in arms and calling for the mayor's resignation. "It paints the women here as second rate and suggests that men will settle for anything. He has put everyone down," said Rikki Loccisano, who unaccountably refused to be photographed.

Now. Who can tell the difference between this:


...and this?


Anybody? No? You at the back? That's right. The first one is a cute, cuddly otter and the second one is a vicious, hungry, brutal crocodile. Or is it vice-versa? And just how drunk would you have to be to get them confused? Two words: Darwin Awards.

Phew! That's brought it right down to 39. Sigh.

Farty's Friday Chart

Jade & Piggy


Bush & Chimp


Revolting & a bird


Name That Tune

What's In A Name?

First it was Champagne, then Gorgonzola. Now it seems that if the Greeks get their way, then ladies who like other ladies (NTTAWWT) will no longer be allowed to call themselves Lesbians. Henceforth, only people who actually live on the island of Lesbos will have that right.

This test case is being keenly watched by the residents of several neighbouring islands. The courts are expected to make a decision within the next couple of months. If Lesbos succeeds, it is expected that Dyke, Butch and Rugmunch will quickly follow suit.

Major Misunderstanding

Glimpsed an article on CNN today, something about barristers wearing bikinis? Apparently the people of Washington are up in arms about it, and quite right too.

How is a jury supposed to concentrate on the case in hand when there's a scantily-clad chick prancing around the courtroom shaking her booty? Or is that the idea?

"Your honour, my client is innocent, as I'm sure these twelve good men and true will agree." Shimmy-shimmy. "The fourteen stab wounds in the back of the unfortunate so-called victim are evidence only of the worst case of suicide in legal history." Flutter-flutter, wiggle-wiggle.

"How does the jury find?"

"Er, what? Yeah, whatever she said." Slobber-slobber. Drool.

"Acquitted. Next!"

It would certainly speed up the legal process.