Do As We Say, Not As We Do, Urges UK Government

So the House of Commons has just voted to flout the law as laid down by the European Court of Human Rights. The vote was 234 to 22 in favour - a 99% majority according to innumerate Tory MP David Davis.

With such fine, upstanding citizens as these telling us that it's ok to pick and choose which laws we can ignore, is it any wonder there are so many prisoners behind bars in the first place?

Now excuse me, I'm just nipping off to burgle my MP's second home while he's down in London - assuming he's not simply fiddling his expenses. Again.

If Anybody's Going To Show Underage Girls With Their Tits Out, It Should Be Us, Rants Murdoch Empire

Rabid Murdoch mouthpiece Fox News was in paroxysms of rage after it transpired that MTV had set itself up in direct competition with Sky Filth by broadcasting a mediocre US remake of the British award-winning E4 series Skins.

The show, which airs after the 9pm watershed, aims to explore the trials and tribulations of a typical group of hot, young, randy teenagers in modern-day USA, featuring such diverse topics as sex, drugs, sex, pop music, sex, drugs and sex (sub - please check, I've never seen it).

Some interfering parents' group which doesn't know what an "off" switch is for has branded Skins as "the most dangerous show for children on television - unless you count that dodgy Icelandic show where the adult male lead gets way too up-close-and-personal with the cute kid. You know the one I mean."

The Dirty Digger's other major organ, The Sun, a national daily "newspaper" which prides itself on its long-running tradition of printing topless pictures of teenage girls, was unavailable for comment, as all of its "investigative journalists" were busy snorting coke off hookers' tits.

FO Condemns "Despicable Cult"

The Foreign Office has described as "despicable" a cult led by a former member of the Hitler Youth, according to a memo seen by Newsarse.

Nazi Piece of Work

German-born Joe Ratzinger, who leads a cult calling itself the Catholic Church, is reported to have turned down several offers to make his sect appear more tolerant and forgiving by carrying out some specially planned activities during his next visit to the UK.

One proposal suggested that the "Pontiff" could open an abortion clinic, a move which would undoubtedly have reduced the number of unwanted pregnancies in the country and indeed around the world.

Another idea put forward in the same vein would have seen the launch of "Benedict condoms", which were also intended to reduce the spread of "Bad AIDS". These would have been of crucial importance to leading members of his own establishment, known as "priests" and "bishops", whose duties include bumming choirboys and orphans.

A Joke Too Far

A Foreign Office spokesman who wished to remain anonymous said of the declined offer, "We invite someone into our country - a person like the Pope - and then he treats us in this way. I think it's appalling manners more than anything else.

"The whole idea of a church that rejects giving aid to people who suffer from AIDS is, quite simply, a joke that has gone too far".

The Bishop of Nottingham said he did not think Catholics would be upset by the memo as they "are used to getting a bad press".

"Just look at that whole Torquemada business," added Bishop McMahon. "He used to strike fear and terror into the hearts of the unfaithful, but you can't even mention the Spanish Inquisition these days without some wag yelling, 'Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!'"

Pope Should FO

Many leading mandarins in the Foreign Office have privately expressed the view that instead of wasting £20million on the proposed visit, their own bonuses and pensions should be topped up while the old Nazi fucks off back to Italy.

Off Their Crusts

So on the one hand Threshers are to close hundreds of stores and on the other, proper scienticians like Professor David Nutt saying that cannabis and LSD are less harmful than tobacco and alcohol and should therefore be decriminalised.

Is it just me or are the off-licence retailers missing a trick here? The phrase, "I'm just nipping down to the shops for some tabs" could take on a whole new meaning. Think of all the new tax revenue the government could raise, without worrying about cirrhosis, lung cancer, heart disease and all the shit that goes with fags and booze eating up hospital budgets.

But don't send the kids to get your skunk, just in case they come back with the wrong thing.

World Mourns IRA Backer

The world was in mourning last night for the notorious killer and terrorist fundraiser Edward "Ted" Kennedy, who died after his own revolted body turned against him in disgust.

Best known for the 1969 killing of political campaigner Mary Jo Kopechne at Chappaquiddick, Kennedy was also heavily involved in financing terrorist organisation the Irish Republican Army (IRA), holding innumerable fundraising parties in order to pay for guns, ammunition, training, bomb-making materials, etc.

Sinn Féin mastermind Gerry Adams said, "If it hadn't been for Ted's relentless fundraising activities, we, er, I mean the IRA would have run out of money to buy guns back in the 1970s, but thanks to his help, we, um, they were able to kill British soldiers, policemen and the hated Protestants right through the '80s, '90s and on into the 21st century. For that, terrorists everywhere owe him an undying debt of gratitude."

In 2004, airline agents acting on the advice of the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) attempted to block the known terrorist backer from boarding five separate flights, but on each occasion the silver-tongued killer was able to con officials into believing that he was in fact a respected US Senator and allowed to proceed with his campaign of terror.

Finally, however, Kennedy's own brain turned against him and successfully finished him off on Tuesday, August 25, 2009. He will be missed only by supporters of terrorism.

No Representation Without Taxation

So Hillary Clinton thinks it would be absolutely wrong to release Libyan Abdelbaset Ali Mohmed Al Megrahi from prison over his alleged involvement in the Lockerbie bombing.

As a US citizen, Clinton pays no UK taxes. And this is perfectly right and proper, but it cuts both ways. As a non-taxpayer in this country, it would be absolutely wrong for her to dictate how our judicial system should operate.

All the more so since the US government has consistently withheld evidence all the way from the initial investigation to the trial and subsequent appeal.

To summarize: Dear Hillary, Fuck off. Yours, Scotland.

Just my twopence worth.

Somalia sends food parcels to House of Commons to supplement MPs' rations

Somalians have dug deep in their pockets after hearing of the plight of British MPs, who are being treated like shit and have to live on rations, according to Shadow Commons leader Alan Duncan.

"This is absolutely scandalous," said Mogadishu resident Saeed Abdallah. "Here we are, living in the lap of luxury with not a care in the world, except for the occasional suicide bombing or random beheading, while hardworking British lawmakers have to scrape by on as little as £64,766 pa. Plus expenses.

"When the Somali people learned of the MPs' plight through a wind-up radio tuned into the BBC World Service, we immediately agreed to club together and collect every grain of rice we could pry from between the floorboards, along with the leftover bones from a stray dog we caught and ate a couple of weeks ago.

"We hope that this offering, though small, will help sustain the starving MPs through these times of hardship until after the next election, when it is sincerely hoped that their freeloading snouts will be back in the trough before you can say duck house."

Pope Criticises Pursuit of Wealth

This news snippet caught my eye today in between watching global share prices plummet.

"The only solid reality is the word of God," said the world's most pious man, welcoming 253 bishops to his humble abode in the Vatican City.

When questioned about the Vatican's investments in General Motors, General Electric, Shell, Gulf Oil, Bethlehem Steel, IBM, etc., his Holiness replied: "Sure, that money was just, er, resting in my account."

A Vatican Yesterday





As if that weren't proof enough that the Catholic Church has a sense of humour, click here for an ecumenical discussion on whether dogs go to Heaven (praise be to the Bloggess).

Scotch Roundup

Boffins have discovered that the world's oldest joke is about my favourite subject. Phew knew?

In China, web censorship remains in place despite promises to the international media that all restrictions would be lifted. I wonder exactly how many hacks will storm off back home in protest? I won't be holding my breath.

A fourteen-year-old schoolgirl has won the right in court to wear religious jewellery to school, as it's part of her faith. Good for her. I wonder if I can get away with wearing a pirate fish pendant to work on Fridays? Arrrgh!

I was hoping that Tony Hawks would be visiting Embra for this year's book festival, but nae joy. In case you think I've spelt his name wrong, visit the skateboarding section of his website. But not while drinking coffee.

Prince Jug-ears has extended his green credentials by converting his Aston Martin to run on leftover wine. Oxymoron, anyone?

I have yet to be convinced that there's any intelligent life on Earth. Apollo astronaut Ed Mitchell claims that aliens have visited us. Allegedly NASA experts have described them as 'little people who look strange to us' with 'a small frame, large eyes and head.'

Hellooooooo?


Lastly, the gorgeous, pouting Carole Vorderman has kindly written a small post over here for a very reasonable fee. Do pay her a visit and leave some kind comments, please.

Toot toot!

Hitting A Bum Note

Meryl Streep has landed a bummer of a rôle in Mamma Mia the Movie. I bet she wishes that film had gone MIA.



Did you ever have one of those days/weeks/decades? There's bound to be something to perfectly reflect your mood at Despair, Inc. Trust me, someone's put a lot of effort into the search for the ultimate item of pessimistic demotivation. He didn't find it, so he made it and put it up for sale. Don't enjoy!



Speaking of bummers, poor Cristiano Ronaldo complains that he's been sold into slavery by, er, himself when he signed a legally binding five-year contract with Manchester United football club. Shocked children working in Bangalore clothing factories for the princely sum of 16p per hour are said to be clubbing together to help pay the £120,000 per week spoilt bastard's transfer fee.



The global economy seems to be going down the toilet with Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae being hit especially hard.


Haha! Dubya said "fanny"! I'm so shallow.

Tickle Me Tuesday

So Wendy Alexander has been resigned as leader of the Scotch Labour Party. Who could have seen that coming? Apparently not the Scotch Labour Party. Her decision to quit "came as a shock to her colleagues", who nevertheless wasted no time queuing up to take her place.

EUrocrats have banned a market trader from selling Kiwi fruits because they are 1mm too small. He can't even give them away, so he'll have to pay to have 5,000 of them destroyed. Can someone remind me why the Lisbon Treaty is supposed to be a "good thing"?

The English Football Association (motto: "we know FA about football") has conceded that Engerland is never going to win the World Cup again, and consequently banned competitive football matches for children. Might as well start as you mean to go on.

Plans are also afoot to take away pointy sticks from javelin throwers, force prospective Olympic swimmers to wear armbands and replace real horses with hobby horses at Ascot - can't have those big beasts giving the wee jockeys a nasty kick.

Thank goodness there's still Wimbledon, that's what I say. (Click to enlarge)

Toot toot!

P.S. Click HERE for more Tickle Me Tuesday stuff.

If People Behaved Like Governments...

...you'd call the cops.

Even although the Irish electorate has voted overwhelmingly against the EU Constitution Treaty, the scumbags in Brussels (no, not you Zoe/Goth/Daffers/DQ) have decided to press ahead anyway and pretend it never happened.

What part of "No" do you think they didn't understand?

No Lisbon - 2 Unlimited

What Have You Done Today To Make You Feel Proud?

While reading an article on Slashdot about a cheap NASA spaceship this week, I learned to my surprise that Dr Alan Weston invented bungee jumping in 1979. Unless you count ignorant savages and that, who were doing it 1500 years ago.

Now, as we all know, Al Gore invented the Internet, John Keogh invented the wheel and I invented fire. Just now. How about you? What amazing invention have you come up with that everyone's been using since the dawn of time no-one has ever thought of before?

Desktop

I fully support my company's clear desk policy.



In principle.

*cough*

Politics

Pol·i·tics, n. pl.: The science or art of political government.
From the Greek poly, meaning many and tics, or blood-sucking parasites.

Scotchland's fourth First Minister Alex Salmond today won approval for his budget proposals by the narrowest of margins (64 to one, and even the one was a mistake) after threatening to resign if he was blocked.

He's no daft, is he? The Scotch still hate the Tories after Thatcher road-tested the Poll Tax on us a year before unleashing it on her own country, and Labour are on the ropes with their own glorious leader Wendy Alexander up before the Procurator Fiscal after "neglecting" to declare political donations.

So if he did keep his word (some politician!) and resign, the ruling SNP could easily win a snap election by a comfortable margin. Very comfortable, with Big Fat Al out of the picture. So naturally, they all caved in and either supported him or kept schtum.

How I wish our politicians had some principles, like the Merkans! No, wait...

Everything You've Always Wanted To Know About Super Tuesday But Were Afraid To Ask

I've been conducting some serious, in-depth, extensive research¹ on the American Presidential Primaries and have decided to share my knowledge for the benefit of mankind. Er. And womankind and that.

Super Tuesday is when all the hopefuls still in the race to be The Most Powerful Man² In The Universe (aka the stooge for Big Oil, Big Business and Big Guns) get to dress up as their favourite superheroes/superheroines and prance around trying to grab as many nominations as possible. And here's a sneak preview, especially for you...

Hillary Goddam Clinton has chosen this snappy little Wonder Woman outfit. Very fetching, I think you'll agree. And stain-resistant, as Bill will no doubt attest.



Barack O'Bama has decided to renounce his Irish roots and pose as his boytime hero, He-Man. "I Have The Power!" Or will have, soon enough.



Senator Jor-El McCain says he is prepared to lead the Republicans into defeat in November. With a Super inside-out roll-neck like that, he gets my vote!



Bringing up the rear, but gaining fast, we have Six-Million Dollar Man Mickey Rooney Mitt Romney. He says he believes in evolution, and who can blame him when we have the evidence in his own party?




¹ I fell asleep during the cartoons and woke up half-way through the news.
² Or woman. But let's face it, it'll be a man. There's more chance of the Merkans electing a black president than a - oh. Riiiight.

Ringtones

There is a Dilbert cartoon strip: A cube-dweller returns to ask, "Anyone seen my cell phone?" Alice replies, "Was it small, metallic and flushable?

You know that choon Für Elise? Yeah, that one. I used to love it. I loved it so much that I went around whistling it - badly - at work. Over and over, day after day.

Until eventually my boss called me over and said, "Farty, will you please stop whistling that fecking choon!"

"But I love it!" I replied in all innocence.

"So did I, until you ruined it for me. Now I can never hear it again without your horrible rendition going through my brain."

This was a bit like me and Help Me Make It Through The Night. Once I'd heard the Billy Connelly version, there was no way I could hear anyone sing it without cracking up. Apparently this is very bad form at a wake.

Anyway, I did as I was told and stopped whistling it.

The Present Day.

One of our neighbours has a new ringtone on his/her phone. Guess what it is? Guess how fecking annoying it is? I can't even tell which neighbour it is, the sound seems to come from a different direction every time I hear it through the window.

Guess that's what's called karma.

btw, my own ringtone is very restrained and not at all annoying. To me.

Trust No-One

Nowadays, it's best to take anything you see on the telly with a large pinch of salt. What with rigged phone votes, invented arguments between Brenda and some foreign snapper, and now ITV faking the death of an Alzheimer's patient, next thing you know NASA will be admitting that the Apollo Moon Landings were filmed in Hollywood. Thank goodness we have t'internet, which is well known for its truthfulness and honesty.

*cough*

Anyway, what's in the news this week? Animals, that's what.

First we have Shipman, the tabby who lives in a Rhode Island nursing home. Once he's given you the cat-scan of death, you'd better start scribbling your will.





Then there's the Doctor Who Woo won a million dollar prize after successfully creating the first human-porcine hybrid.













And now we have the Oxford Goose creating a flap. As it were.


Right. That's me. Off to read Gordon Brown's blog now. You can always trust a Scotchman.

Drugs Are Bad, M'kay?

Feck me, I decided to waffle about the guvmint's drugs policy today and found this snippet stuffed down the back of the virtual couch, dated Feb 16th.

"So David Cameron used to do drugs. And that's going to damage his political career how? He's up against Tony Poodle Blair and Ming The Merciless."

Now it's hep to jump on the drugs bandwagon, they're all at it.



Well, nearly all.

But answer me this: if all these politicians admit that they took cannabis when it was still listed as Class B, does that mean they are now prepared to spend up to five years behind bars for their heinous crimes? After all, there's no such thing as a Statute of Limitations in the UK.

Still, it's never done them any harm, innit?