Computer Terms Illustrated #16

Blogroll

Firmware

Redundancy

Portrait

Landscape

Guru Meditation (Amiga users click on image)

Scalability

Root

Wishware

Home, page!

Al Gore Rhythm (sp?)

Lots more to come in 2009!

Just Because You're Paranoid Doesn't Mean They're Not Out To Get You

So, what happened was this. Little Miss Farty sent me an email from work last night. Because playing on the internets is so much more rewarding than working she loves me so much. Scroll down to see the picture. I showed it to Mrs F and she said I should send a reply, so I replied "Haha, very funny. Get back to work." Then I hit "send", as you do.

A fraction of a second after releasing the mouse button, I realised that although her email had been addressed to my real name, Outlook had helpfully changed my sender name to "Mr Farty". Thanks, Microsoft. Thanks a fucking bunch.

So the phone rings. "Dad, did you just send me an email as "Mr Farty"?

"Er, yes?"

"Oh. Ok, 'cos I thought my computer had been infected by a virus or something."

"No, no, just my little joke, ha-ha."

"Ok, night-night then, Dad."

"Night-night, sweetheart. Don't work too hard."

And now I'm wondering whether to delete my blog, 'cos how long will it be before she decides, out of curiosity, to google "Mr Farty"?

Update: If my daughter is reading this, remember that there's more than one Mr Farty on t'internets. This one isn't me, it's a complete stranger. Plus, quit slacking and get back to work!

That email...

Always check your child's homework

Keep reading...





That mommy works at Home Depot and this was supposed to be her selling a shovel.

What Farty Got For Ecksmas

Because I'm sure you're just dying to know.

What I got was frankly quite obscene. Cue flashback...

Ecksmas Past:
Four kids to a double bed. Never even heard of central heating, let alone double glazing. Thick frost on the inside of the window panes. One bicycle between the whole family, and that was won with a threepenny raffle ticket. It was adult size, so it would be years before I could sit in the saddle and pedal at the same time, and more years still before I inherited it.

In those days a satsuma, an apple and perhaps a bar of chocolate were literally your stocking fillers. Anything else was a bonus. We were over the moon when my dad produced a sleigh, allegedly hand-made from used orange boxes - but thinking back, it was far too well-constructed and hardy to be anything but from a shop. We did have a real tree, which shed real pine needles on the carpet. And we made at least some of our own decorations.

I seem to recall getting a battery-driven toy something with coloured flashing lights. It moved around a bit on its own, but didn't walk, so I guess it must have been some kind of non-humanoid robot. I still remember the scree-scree sound the motor made, but that's about it. And the humungous batteries. You could push it to drive the wheels faster and make it light up a bit more.

Ecksmas Present:
Bear in mind that I am now in my sixth decade on this earth. Ready?

• Alan Carr's autobiography. He's so funny!


• Terry Pratchett's new book. He once said he was a patron of mine, which only readers who know my real name will get.


• Thorntons chocolate and toffee. *mouths thankyou* I'm scheduled for root canal treatment in February.


• Girls Aloud CD and DVD.


• Adult 3d puzzle. Which is weird considering this comment I left on Belgian Waffle a few days ago.


• Pen and pencil set. Because you can never have too many pens and pencils. Unless you steal stationery.


• Amarula. *sigh*


• Seven fecking pairs of socks.


• Various smellies. Thank feck I never got aftershave again. I have no intentions of ever shaving off my beard.


• Digital photo frame. Which will be truly great as soon as I figure out how to switch it on. Will any kids reading this care to explain it to me?


• T-shirts, sweaters and jeans. Which is the sort of thing I can actually use.


• Coconut tablet. Home-made according to Granny's recipe. My mum passed this on to one of my nieces, who guards the secret like something in one of those Indiana Jones films. One of these days...


• Twenty British pounds worth of Woolworths vouchers. FFS. Woolies has just gone bust. BUT. Today I made it to Woolies on the last day of the closing down sale. They were even selling off the fixtures and fittings. I considered buying a pair of automatic doors and a cash register, but I don't think I could have got them all on the bus. I ended up buying a Christina Aguilera double CD, Destiny's Child #1s, three Terry's chocolate oranges, six Cadbury's Fruit and Nuts, two pairs of cooker hood lights, a set of Doctor Who stickers, er, for my nephew, and still got twelve pounds change. So, not so bad.

Oh. And then when I went to Morrisons for the weekly shop, a boy scout helped me pack the shopping bags. The look of gratitude on his face when I popped a five-pound note in his charity bucket - priceless!

Farty's Friday Chart

I'm back! Merry Eckmas to both my readers and before I forget, here's a rather late Friday Chart. With an Ecksmas theme. And Hollaby Wallabooby off the telly. Bonus!



Name that tune.

I'm off to catch up on my internets. Toot toot!

Computer Terms Illustrated #15

Large Prime

Patch

Disk Compression

Carriage Control

Mac Address

Parity Error

Random Access

Wild Card

Space Bar

Bottom-Up

Non-Disruptive Insertion

Ho ho ho etc. Merry Eckmas, readers!

Stuff and Nonsense

Sooooooooooo... out shopping, I couldn't help but notice this in my trolley:

Original. Improved. Now I'm not saying all marketing types are a bunch of coke-addled suits - no, wait. That's exactly what I'm saying.

Police in Glasgow are threatening to arrest anyone caught singing the Hokey Cokey, since it incites religious hatred. Whereas Uptown Girl just incites hatred of talentless Irish cover bands.

Donald Trump, or Donald Fucking Trump as I like to refer to him, has been nominated for the Scot of the Year Award. The usual requirement that nominees should be born on Scottish soil was apparently met by Trump digging up a million tons of fine Aberdeen coastline and exporting it to his New York birthplace.

It should be a close-run race, as he's up against such luminaries as Andy Torn-Face Murray, Gordon Greetin' Broon, Gordon Christhesugly Ramsay and Fred Loser Goodwin. Oh and David Phwoar Tennant.

Finally (for now) - the credit crunch is really taking its toll at Farty Towers. I arrived home early from work today to find Mrs F sewing a turkey's head onto a fish supper. Picture that if you can.

Toot toot!

Bah. And, Indeed, Humbug.

As you may have seen in the news, the company that I work for has been partly taken over by the government. That makes me a civil servant bwahahahahaha I for one welcome our new political overlords.

As a result, there's a major cost-cutting exercise in progress. Gone are the ridiculously inflated executive bonuses (yay!), gone too all the contractors who did the actual work while we put our feet up (boo!) but worst of all, from the public's perception, sponsorship is being severely trimmed back.

Normally on December 31st, Embra has a big, BIG Hogmanay party. Literally dozens of people flock to Princes Street to get totally rat-arsed, sing, dance and of course, watch the New Year's Fireworks Show courtesy of *cough* *cough*.

But what with the cutbacks and that, all we can afford this year is a handful of sparklers. I don't think this will go down well with the punters.

Farty's Friday Chart

A nice international theme for you this week.





Name that tune.

Our Xmas Tree Is Up

"No need to go out and spend a fortune on a tree", she says.

"Just put one of these magic beans in a pot," she says.

"Don't forget to water it," she says.

*sigh*

Does anyone know a good lumberjack?

Computer Terms Illustrated #14

And thick and fast they came at last...

Platform

Flash Memory

Scanner

Frozen Windows

Top-Down

Pointer

Module

Host

ASCII(sp?)

Grooming

Wellies of Mass Disruption

Finally, Dubya has been given the boot.



That's my best effort. Crap, innit?

Over to you.

Dying Of Man Flu

*cough* *cough* *cough*

Feck. I hate it when I don't feel well. Seriously, I'd rather be back at work but somehow I don't think they'd thank me for coughing all their germs that they infected me with FFS! back over them. At least, the last time I tried that, they gave me evil eyes, there's gratitude for you.

Anyway.

Am I the only one who's noticed that you never see Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana in the same room at the same time? Not that I'm suspicious or that, but...

Miley Cyrus
Hannah Montana

There's an old joke about the ambassador's wife at a big function in Hong Kong showing up with a fancy brooch on her dress with pretty Chinese characters on it, which then totally gives her a red face because it turns out the symbols translate as "Official Badge, City of Hong Kong, Registered Prostitute #324" (I may have got the number wrong). Thank feck that sort of thing's never happened in real life. In a scientific journal. Like the journal of the Max Planck Institute in Germany. On the front cover. Horny housewives? Really?

Talking of boffins, that work they're doing on their invisibility cloak is moving along nicely. Although, if it were me, the one place I would want to be fully visible would be when I'm halfway across the road on a zebra crossing.



I was planning to do an Ecksmas-themed Friday Chart post with a bar of gold to symbolise Spandau Ballet's classic 80's hit Gold!, but I couldn't find any songs called Frankincense and Myrrh to complete the trio. Meh. WTF is myrrh anyway? Sounds like a happy cat. Another great idea down the drain.





Only a Merkan would think to make handguns available on prescription for the elderly and disabled. As it says in Slashdot, what could possibly go wrong? Hey, I wonder if I could get one of those off the NHS in my present state? *hack* *cough* Those pesky kids are making way too much noise outside. 'Scuse I...

Farty's Friday Chart

I've been wondering for months how to work this one in.

Name that tune?

The Appliance Of Science

So Mrs F now has a funky new washing machine. Crikey, it's certainly got enough knobs, switches, flashing lights and shit. Still, even I have to admit the "Specials" make it worth every penny.



So. If the slapheads that design your appliances could design anything at all, what "extra features" would you look for?