Random News

Salt.

We're all out of it, apparently. I blame the burglars. They must have sneaked in through an open window when we were off to that burglary summit with Jacqui Smith yesterday. Now what the feck are we supposed to put on our fish and chips?

There is no shoe.

President-baiting seems to be the new fashion, with shoes flying thick and fast when they're around. Unless you happen to be reading Chinese newspapers, which oddly failed to mention when their own premier was shooed off (me so funny) mid-speech at Cambridge University.

If you can't blind them with science...

Scienticians have developed a technique to make Gummi Bears out of cancer cells. And make them glow in the dark. Cool. Chocolate-flavoured semen can only be days away.

A question of sport.

If you're watching your favourite game, would you rather it was interrupted by porn or adverts? Personally, I couldn't care less, unless it's something really important, like ITV's coverage of the O.J. Verdict.

Beavers returning to Scotchland.

They're cute, they're furry, they're wet and they smell of fish. What's not to love? Also, some wild animals that were hunted to extinction four hundred years ago have been reintroduced to Scotch habitats. I can't wait to get my binoculars out and go for a bit of beaver spotting at the shower block of Embra University's female halls of residence.

Restraining order permitting.

Toot toot!

News Drought

I was going to write a post about Father Ted being arrested for war crimes, but NewsBiscuit beat me to it, curse them!

And there isn't any other news, really. Except that Glasgow has come top of the Scotch licence dodgers' league. They prefer to splash out on expensive flat-screen TVs than spend money on a mandatory licence. Mind you, that does look impressive, don't you think?

The back view? Not so great.


Princess Camilla of Horseface was slated this month when she was spotted with a Golliwog in her car boot. It's a doll, FFS! I picked up one of these (only far, far better crafted) in Jo'burg airport and gave it to a black lady friend, Rachael Piggot. She adored it.

Chanteuse Amy Whinehouse has been tipped to play the next Dr Who. She's halfway there already, that sure as hell ain't human blood pumping through her veins and feck knows what planet she lives on.


And finally, sport. Celtic football club are looking to sign Romanian defender Gabriela Cheeky. Or was it Monika? All these footballers look the same to me, sigh.

Toot toot!

Getting Senile Dimensions

Princess Beatrice off the Royal Family has landed a part in a movie about, er, a royal family.

Footballing leg end Wayne Rooney turned down the chance to appear in Nickelback's latest video because he thought it wasn't cool enough.



Two million hits on Youtube and climbing.

I had a brilliant idea to link these two stories, but it's gone. Ho-hum.

Merkan-English Dictionary - Football Special

David Beckham began life as a Los Angeles Galaxy player today.

So naturally the first question people are going to ask is, "Who the feck are LA Galaxy?"

Apparently they are a Merkan football team - not to be confused with a Merkan Football team.

Football, for the uninitiated, is a game played all over the world. It mostly involves kicking a ball with the foot - hence the name - although much entertainment can be derived from either kicking the players on the opposing team or better still, pretending to have been kicked by them and rolling around on the pitch. The spherical ball can only be touched with the hands by the goalkeeper (net-minder) or anyone called Maradona.

In the UK, the national team is Engerland. Scotch supporters will support any international team that is playing against Engerland, with the sole exception of France, when we hope both teams will lose. Merkans call football "soccer". Feck knows why.

There is a peculiar thing called the Offside Rule, but it's probly too complicated for Merkans to understand.

Rugby, by comparison, is a contact sport, played with oval balls by real men and real women. Not usually at the same time - that's a different contact sport altogether. I once went out with a Merkan lady rugby player - she knew her balls alright.

Merkan Football isn't football at all. It's played with a rugby ball, but the players dress up for the part in padded suits and motorbike helmets in case they get a nasty bump. Wusses. Merkan Football is played all over the world in the USA.

David Beckham is famous for being married to a twig.

Competition Time!

Or "I Can't Think Of A Funny Caption"

This picture is begging, BEGGING I tells ya, for a funny caption.

Ten British Pounds worth of Thornton's vouchers for the best one submitted by, say, 14th July 2007. If, by a fluke, some Johnny Foreigner comes up with something more amusing than a Brit, I'll have to think of something. Maybe a competition to decide on a prize...no, wait...

Update

Competition closes in 3 hours or thereabouts. Many thanks to Goth for getting the ball rolling. My own best effort (after checking the original story) was "Library gets serious about overdue books".

Nuvver Update

Competition has now closed. Ner ner ne ner ner.

Winners posted here.

Merkan-English Dictionary #3

Time now for another thrilling installment of the excitingly-titled Merkan-English Dictionary, where I explain to our cousins across the Pond what words really mean - and sometimes how they ought to be spelt and pronounced. Like "al-um-IN-ium".

I'm afraid that if you've come here looking for a cute underage chick with a hairy pussy, you'll be sadly disappointed. Unless you're heavily into animals.

Because, as previously explained, a pussy is in fact a Cat.

Never mind, maybe you'll have better luck with an ass in the air?

Sorry, but in Englandland - and Scotchland for that matter - an ass is a four-legged beast of burden. As against the Merkan ass, which is a different kettle of fish altogether.

Here in the UK, we call this an arse.

No, wait. That's an arse-licker. Sorry.

And if a British gentleman declares that he wishes to take his ladyfriend up the arsenal, well I'm afraid that he may well be referring to The Beautiful Game.

And not anal sex after all.

Hope that's cleared up a few misconceptions.