If Anybody's Going To Show Underage Girls With Their Tits Out, It Should Be Us, Rants Murdoch Empire

Rabid Murdoch mouthpiece Fox News was in paroxysms of rage after it transpired that MTV had set itself up in direct competition with Sky Filth by broadcasting a mediocre US remake of the British award-winning E4 series Skins.

The show, which airs after the 9pm watershed, aims to explore the trials and tribulations of a typical group of hot, young, randy teenagers in modern-day USA, featuring such diverse topics as sex, drugs, sex, pop music, sex, drugs and sex (sub - please check, I've never seen it).

Some interfering parents' group which doesn't know what an "off" switch is for has branded Skins as "the most dangerous show for children on television - unless you count that dodgy Icelandic show where the adult male lead gets way too up-close-and-personal with the cute kid. You know the one I mean."

The Dirty Digger's other major organ, The Sun, a national daily "newspaper" which prides itself on its long-running tradition of printing topless pictures of teenage girls, was unavailable for comment, as all of its "investigative journalists" were busy snorting coke off hookers' tits.

X Factor Drops Singing From Show

In a move that has shocked absolutely no-one, X Factor producers have announced that contestants will no longer be required to sing on the show. Not even miming like the celebrity guests plugging their new singles.

It is widely believed that the reason behind the move is to make more time available for Simon Cowell to pontificate about Louis Walsh's absolute and total lack of any musical taste whatsoever. Not to mention his rapidly-darkening hair colour, whiny voice and propensity to go off on one at the slightest provocation.

Insiders on the show have also pointed out the potential savings to be made by not having to pay any royalties to copyright holders, but since Cowell's record company, Sony BMG, already owns every song ever written, past, present and future, this theory has been widely discounted.

Former Pop Idol winner and Girls Aloud member Cheryl Cole, who has previously mimed live on the show herself, is said to be delighted at the news, as it gives her the opportunity to spend even more time fighting with the other judges and verbally abusing the contestants in front of the cameras.

Irish judge Louis Walsh, who manages Westlife, Boyzone and some pop groups, is understood to be disappointed that he will no longer be able to pull out his rulebook and claim that Cher's song wasn't actually a Beatles number as it was a solo hit for John Lennon.

Critics were quick to point out that the change will allow people with the musical ability of a dead sheepdog to win the show, but hurriedly withdrew their objections when they noticed that karate expert Wagner was standing staring at them.