Robot, Fix Thyself!

According to JotZoom, material scientists at AkzoNobel have developed a self-mending plastic. This wondrous substance can repair damage to itself without the aid of glue, tape or any other stickum.

Supra B (catchy name, huh?) can be used in toys, spectacles, automobiles, computers or other devices. So if you sit on your specs, no need to buy a new pair, just hold the broken parts together and hey, presto! They're as good as new.

The boffins reckon Supra B would be ideal for putting scratch-proof coatings on laptops and that, but I can't help wondering if it couldn't be incorporated into a self-repairing robot. I bet nobody's ever thought of that before. Oh.

Well, what could possibly go wrong?

Gaining A Son

So. Little Miss Farty is no more; now it's Mrs Drummer.

The service went very well, flower girls strew petals down the aisle as I led my daughter to meet her new husband. She didn't recoil in shock when she saw his face, which I took as a good sign.

The minister said a few words: when it came to the "any lawful impediment" part, he didn't even pause to draw breath; you don't want to take any chances with these things.

Rings were exchanged and the deed was done.

A quick pause outside for photos and then Mr & Mrs D headed down to Arthur's Seat for the scenic shots while the hoi polloi were carted off in a coach. Meanwhile the ladies and I climbed into the stretch limo and relaxed as we were transported in comfort and luxury to a classy hotel just outside the city.

Spacious grounds, sunny weather, hardly a breath of wind - hard to believe a week ago it was snowing here. A leisurely drink before the bride and groom arrived, then a blitz of photos. To everyone who asked, "But where's your own camera?", I replied that I had absolute trust in the professional photographer. Which left me free to get pissed.

The hotel staff were friendly and efficient, showing us all the way to our room. A bicycle would have helped: getting there involved negotiating a maze of twisty little passages, all different.

With the meeting and greeting out of the way, a kilted piper serenaded the happy couple into the wedding breakfast. Butternut soup, roast lamb or chicken, followed by sticky toffee pudding were all on the menu but first! The speeches.

Yes, I did do the bit about rising from a warm seat with a bit of paper in my hand (thanks to Non-Working Monkey for that), right through to my daughter being the reigning SE Scotchland Farmville Champion, which got a laugh from everyone under thirty and puzzled looks from everyone else.

And then got totally outclassed by the Best Man speech with accompanying slideshow. Grr!

Missed the first dance as Mrs F and I were up in our room trying to get our granddaughter, Princess Farty, settled. Not. Going. To. Happen. Eventually mum and dad arrived, picked her up and took her down to show her off to the guests. They were suitably impressed that at eight months she was dancing to All The Single Ladies, even though she can't walk yet.

There was a special request from Mr & Mrs D just for me - Westlife singing Amazing. Which was quite thoughtful, considering that they know full well I can't stand the talentless Irish coverband. I'm already plotting my revenge. Patience.

Three little old ladies turned up - I didn't see them arrive, but surmised that they had come by broomstick. I swear I heard one say, "When will we three meet again?"

And once we'd said goodbye to the last of the guests, and made our way back to our room, we found that we'd forgotten to pack Mrs F's underwear, my pajamas, her nightie, my jeans, any toothbrushes...as you do.

Slept soundly, then up at the crack of ten o'clock just in time for a quick shower before a fab breakfast with the folks who had stayed the night. Still wearing the kilt (see above), but combined with a t-shirt because I'm classy.

Cadged a lift home, opened the door to a bombsite. "Oh, my God, we've been burgled again!" wailed Mrs F. "No, wait. This is how we left it yesterday. Oh, lordy!"

Fast forward to Monday, where just as I was about to return my kilt to the hire shop, daughter-in-law dropped off her sons' outfits with an abject, "Sorry about the vomit." Lovely.

Oh, and if you were wondering if anything is worn under the kilt? See the labels below.

Whale Meat Again*

So. It looks like there was a wee contretemps in the Southern Ocean today. See how you do in my impromptu quiz.

1. The Japanese warship hit the Adi Gil because:
a) The powerboat was using advanced stealth technology, making it invisible.
b) The Japanese crew were busy looking for whales.
c) The powerboat accelerated directly into the path of the warship.

2. At the time of the collision, the Adi Gil was:
a) Completely stationery, honest.
b) Sailing directly away from the whaling fleet.
c) Steering towards the bow of the Japanese ship. As you do.

3. The conservation group's boat was:
a) Utterly destroyed, killing all aboard her.
b) Sunk without trace, drowning all the crew.
c) Holed, but otherwise still floating.

4. The Japanese are carrying out "scientific" whaling. They are trying to find:
a) Whether the whale population is at a sustainable size for commercial whaling to resume.
b) Any way around IWC rules on catching whales.
c) The tastiest recipe for whalemeat, yum!

* I had a better title, but forgot it. Sorry.

Flying Colours

At last the Red Arrows flying team have acquired a female member, hurrah!

It's tempting to say she's there to make the tea, or to pass a comment about women drivers, but honestly, I'm very impressed.

You go, girl!

Killing Two Birds

Remember me? I used to have a blog that I cared about. Then I got hooked on Twitter and let it all go to pot. Yeah, sorry about that. I'd promise a swift return to normal service, except I never did figure out what was normal for this blog in the first place.

So what has Farty been doing, I hear you ask?

[Reader: So what has Farty been doing?]

I'm glad you asked that. Helping Mrs F to babysit our new grand-daughter quite a bit, if you must know, but in between that, I was at a wedding Oop North three weeks ago as "Official Photographer", and have been weeding out the crap, balancing colour, straightening things up etc. to try and achieve something more-or-less presentable for the happy couple. Who are now back from their honeymoon and asking awkward questions, e.g. why is the sky blue, will the universe expand forever and does anyone still watch Ellen?

Any road up, at one point we were at the beach and Mr & Mrs M decided to make this pose:
I think they're expecting me to add some sort of witty caption, but my mind has gone blank blanker than usual. Can you help?

P.S. Lesley, stop drooling, he's spoken for.

No Lyrics

Radio ad: blah blah 2 Unlimited coming to Embra...

Little Miss Farty: That would be hard.

Me: How so?

LMF: One of them died ten years ago.

Me: Oh rly? Which one?

LMF: The girl.

Me: What, the girl that played to a sell-out crowd in Brazil last year?

LMF: Er...

Me: Not that I'm a big fan of Anita Doth or that.



I love it when I know more about the pop scene than my daughter. I am so hep.

Computer Terms Illustrated #20 - Burns Special

Apparently it's some sort of anniversary today. But how to commemorate this momentous occasion?

How else?

Spywear

A Series of Pipes

Hidden features

Interlock

Bit, Byte

System Flags

Hardware Clash

Float:Right

Cache

Bloatware

Wetware

Technical Support

Jings, crivvens and help ma boab the noo, it's a braw bricht moonlicht nicht the nicht, lang may yer lum reek wi' ither folks' coal, up yer kilt, is that a skean dhu in yer sporran or are ye jist pleased tae see me, och aye, ye ken, etc.

Travel Fail

Build Your Own Stab-o-mizer TM

Have you ever had the misfortune to phone one of those call centres in India and waste several minutes of your life talking to some inarticulate moron on the other end of the line?

Have you ever had the misfortune to work in one of those call centres in India and waste several minutes of your life talking to some inarticulate moron on the other end of the line?

Have you ever felt like stabbing someone, if only you were face to face with the idiotic fucktard instead of several thousand miles away?

Well, now you can stab someone in the face over the internet, thanks to the patented Stab-o-mizer ^TM!

Previously only available to the security services, the Stab-o-mizer ^TM has now been optimized for home use. Cheap, 100% reliable and easily assembled from off-the-shelf components, this handy little device can be operated with no technical knowledge whatsoever!

All you need is the IP or email address of your intended victim, a steady hand and a cast-iron alibi. On second thoughts, scratch the alibi, you won't need it since you'll be thousands of miles away!

You will need:

• USB cable


• Joystick or PS2 control pad


• Webcam


• Servo motor from a Segway


• Hypodermic needle


• Live rabies virus (optional)


• Large roll of gaffer tape


• Soldering iron

Then follow the simple step-by-step instructions in this video tutorial.



Good luck!

<sup>Disclaimer: This tutorial is provided for information purposes only. No claim is made as to the accuracy or authenticity of the content of the tutorial. The author does not accept any liability to any person for the information or advice (or the use of such information or advice) which is provided in this tutorial or incorporated into it by reference. The information in the Stab-o-mizer tutorial is provided on the basis that all persons accessing the tutorial undertake responsibility for assessing the relevance and accuracy of its content.

No kittens were harmed in the making of this tutorial.</sup>

The Appliance Of Science

So Mrs F now has a funky new washing machine. Crikey, it's certainly got enough knobs, switches, flashing lights and shit. Still, even I have to admit the "Specials" make it worth every penny.



So. If the slapheads that design your appliances could design anything at all, what "extra features" would you look for?

Just A Quicky

Don't tell a soul, ok? But L***** M*** F**** is with c****.

Yep. That's totally secret.

Laters!

Man Crush

Funny how you can see a new word or phrase and instantly know what it means, innit?

By the time whoever it was on telly had finished explaining it for the lumpen masses, I had my list written out and annotated. So here goes:

• John Barrowman Captain Jack off Dr Who and Torchwood, arrr!




• Johnny Depp Maybe I've got a thing about characters called Captain Jack?




• Orlando Bloom Or pirates? He can rescue me any day, sigh.




• Bruno Tortellini(sp?) Off Strickly Come Dancing With The Stars, he's a sexy, sexy man! Ciao! Pronto! Pizza Margarita!



But if anybody could turn me off women for life, it has to be...

• Sarah Palin Seriously, dude.

Falling With Style

What do you do if your airline goes bust, you don't fancy getting stuck in the Channel Tunnel behind some twat having a barbecue and you're in a hurry to get the fuck out of France?

That's right - you strap a wing to your back and fly across the English Channel in just over ten minutes. If you believe in yourself, the sky's the limit.

Buzz Lightyear

Fusion Man


I should send that second picture in to Viz.

At the Edge of Knowledge Itself

"We're at the end of the universe, right at the edge of knowledge itself, and you're busy blogging!"

Apparently boffins are planning to destroy the Earth next week in a search for winos and that. Bit of wasted effort, innit? They could have visited any city centre in Scotchland on a Saturday night. Not that they really expect to find anything without a Unified Field Theory to properly tie together gravity and quantum physics.

Be that as it may, if I stay at rest much longer, I won't get my blog up to date before we're all killed to death by an artificial black hole. I'd hate to arrive at FSM Heaven with that on my conscience, I wouldn't enjoy the beer volcano or the strippers.

Logic - You're Doing It Wrong


Favourite Niece slapped her doctor's face after he told her she had a serious heart problem. His exact words? "You have acute angina." Did I mention she also suffers from partial deafness? (btw, he was wrong.)

My notes are getting ridiculously abstruse. One here simply says "wasps PETA". As if anyone could find it objectionable to kill wasps. Oh. Wrong again. FFS.

"My lover's got no money, he got his trampolines."

Damn, should have left that till Friday. Meh.

Jack Spratt could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean. They were vegetarians.

Oh, hurrah! Little Miss Farty's former abode is to be demolished on September 21. Assuming the world hasn't ended by then, of course. I'd better go and join the protest, I wouldn't want to miss that big bang.

Toot toot!

Wheel of Falkirk Part 2

So where were we? Oh, yes. At the end of the yellow brick road. But the wizard of Oz was out, so on we went...

Suddenly, everything went dark.


It turned out that the light at the end of the tunnel was an oncoming boat.


When we emerged from the other end, it appeared that we weren't in Kansas anymore.


At first glance, it looked as if we'd run out of canal.


In a sense, we had. For we had reached [cue dramatic music] The Wheel Of Falkirk!!!


Better known as The Falkirk Wheel.


"Well, that was nice", said Mrs Farty. "Now where's the café?"

Just as we were sitting down with our tea and scones, I glanced out of the window.

"Holy crap, a flying boat!!!"


"The brochure said something about gondolas," said Mrs Farty without batting an eyelid, as another behemoth dropped past us.


<science bit>
"Yes, apparently that's what they call the buckets that carry the boats. As one gondola goes up with its cargo, another comes down. It's all so finely balanced that it only takes the power of an electric kettle to drive it. And at five minutes from start to finish, it's much faster than the eleven locks that used to connect the Union Canal to the Forth and Clyde Canal, which leads to nothing of interest except maybe Glasgow."
</science bit>

What do you want, a 25-second video? *sigh* Very well...


Then we went for a poke around the shop before heading home. Luckily, we didn't get caught in a traffic jam.

Wheel of Falkirk Part 1

Mr Farty has been on a field trip carrying out some basic research for his blog. Or perhaps he just had a day out with Mrs Farty. And his S5000.

At first there was nothing to see but scenery.


Thankfully, before long they chanced upon...more scenery.


Just when they felt they couldn't bear the excitement for another moment, they stumbled upon a pair of kids, engrossed in the thrill of fishing.


Glancing down, Mrs Farty exclaimed: "Jings! Thistles!"


Glancing up, Mr Farty remarked: "Crivvens! Raspberries!"


As they reached a canal lock, Mr Farty wondered where they kept the key?


"Perhaps it's in that little house," replied Mrs Farty.


(to be continued)

If At First You Don't Succeed...

So who remembers Little Miss Farty's birthday present to her fiancé, which went a bit toilet?

Weeeellllll, after a couple of false starts, he finally got off the ground.








He might technically be back on terra firma, but I don't think he's come down yet.