Flying Colours

At last the Red Arrows flying team have acquired a female member, hurrah!

It's tempting to say she's there to make the tea, or to pass a comment about women drivers, but honestly, I'm very impressed.

You go, girl!

No Representation Without Taxation

So Hillary Clinton thinks it would be absolutely wrong to release Libyan Abdelbaset Ali Mohmed Al Megrahi from prison over his alleged involvement in the Lockerbie bombing.

As a US citizen, Clinton pays no UK taxes. And this is perfectly right and proper, but it cuts both ways. As a non-taxpayer in this country, it would be absolutely wrong for her to dictate how our judicial system should operate.

All the more so since the US government has consistently withheld evidence all the way from the initial investigation to the trial and subsequent appeal.

To summarize: Dear Hillary, Fuck off. Yours, Scotland.

Just my twopence worth.

Fathers of Invention

We all know that Fleming invented Penicillin in between writing his James Bond novels and building the first flying car, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, but what about the not-so-famous inventors and their creations?

In the beginning there was nothing except maybe some Hawking Radiation. Then Davy said, "Let there be Lamp. I love lamp." And there was lamp.

But there was nowhere for the lamplight to go, so Hilbert created Space, but it was still very hard to see what was going on with everything happening at once, so Hammer invented Time to break it up a bit.

Then Piltdown created Man out of bits of monkey and that. Newton designed a Cradle for him to sleep in. Man got hungry, so St Elmo invented Fire and Forman built the Grill so he could cook some of Darwin's Finches.

Man was lonely on his own, so Pavlov invented Dogs and Schrödinger invented Cats (or did he?) to keep him company. Still, Man was bored so Tarmac *cough* invented the Road for him to travel on and Shanks invented the Pony for him to ride.

After a while, Man came across Woman. She had been trapped in Faraday's Cage by Maxwell's Demons. "Help me!" cried Woman. Man refused, until she performed a Möbius Strip for him. Glimpsing her Pascal's Triangle, Man decided to rescue her, so Damocles invented a Sword for Man to cut the cage open and free Woman.

Meanwhile Ferris was busy inventing the Wheel, so Man attached some wheels to Constable's Haywain with Archimedes' Screws using a Phillips Screwdriver, which had been sitting around useless for the past few paragraphs.

The Öort Clouds were gathering as, crossing Wheatstone's Bridge, they rounded Sierpinski's Curve. Offering Woman a swig from his Klein Bottle, Man asked Woman her name. "Pandora," she replied. "And will you please stop looking down my Cassini Division, my eyes are up here."

"Her Box could do with a trim from Occam's Razor," he thought to himself as he tightened his Van Allen Belt and offered her a cookie from his Leyden Jar.
But she noticed his Nelson's Column and fended him off with Cleopatra's Needle, right in the Elgin Marbles.

Then Stephenson invented a Rocket which they flew to Barnard's Star before Higgs could create a Boson to destroy the Earth. The end.

Scotch News

So what's in the news today, I hear you ask. (I'm sure there should be a question mark in there somewhere, but can't for the life of me figure out where to put it. Colour me senile.)

The one millionth word to enter the English language is, by an amazing coincidence, Web 2.0 - er, that's not really a word, is it? It's a word plus a number. And even the number is unnecessarily specified to a higher degree of precision than is really warranted. Why not Web 2.00000? I would have picked lolcat. How about you?


There's a Global Pandemic of Swine Flu stories in the meeja. Yes, you know and I know that a pandemic is by definition global, just like Avian Bird Flu affects avian birds, but they still go ahead and use redundant tautologies. Stupid journalists. Oh! There I go doing it myself! Anyway, lock all the doors and windows, tape them up and don't come out until 2013 just in case. Or until you run out of air or food, whatever.

Miss California USA's been fired. There used to be a Miss California Scotland, but we lost her in the fog.


With Armed Forces Day coming up on June 27, celebrations are being planned to give people the chance to thank the RAF, Army, Navy and that for all the hard work they do in fighting off Johnny Foreigner. Scotchland's own Lorraine Kelly was up at Embra's Redford Barracks to reveal her knickers the Scotch events lined up for the big day.


Well, if you're only visiting this blog for upskirt pictures of Lorraine Kelly, why should I disappoint? Did you notice the matching accessories?

Computer Terms Illustrated #27

Electronic Male

Excel

Uninterruptable Power Supply

Kindle

Carrier

Twit Pic

Jagged Array

Bold

Listener

Deep Packet Inspection

I Couldn't Go To BlogHer '08 Because I Don't Have A Vagina

But based on eyewitness reports, transcripts, live blogging, some rather shaky video footage, hearsay, gossip, rumour and guesswork, I have finally managed to assemble fabricate the following docu-drama.

Bloggess vs Dooce


I am totally going to get sued for this.

Random News

Salt.

We're all out of it, apparently. I blame the burglars. They must have sneaked in through an open window when we were off to that burglary summit with Jacqui Smith yesterday. Now what the feck are we supposed to put on our fish and chips?

There is no shoe.

President-baiting seems to be the new fashion, with shoes flying thick and fast when they're around. Unless you happen to be reading Chinese newspapers, which oddly failed to mention when their own premier was shooed off (me so funny) mid-speech at Cambridge University.

If you can't blind them with science...

Scienticians have developed a technique to make Gummi Bears out of cancer cells. And make them glow in the dark. Cool. Chocolate-flavoured semen can only be days away.

A question of sport.

If you're watching your favourite game, would you rather it was interrupted by porn or adverts? Personally, I couldn't care less, unless it's something really important, like ITV's coverage of the O.J. Verdict.

Beavers returning to Scotchland.

They're cute, they're furry, they're wet and they smell of fish. What's not to love? Also, some wild animals that were hunted to extinction four hundred years ago have been reintroduced to Scotch habitats. I can't wait to get my binoculars out and go for a bit of beaver spotting at the shower block of Embra University's female halls of residence.

Restraining order permitting.

Toot toot!