Twitter: Watching William & Kate The Wedding So You Don't Have To

So today the UK's Channel 5 screened William & Kate: The Movie. Sadly, I missed it, but thankfully Twitter came to the rescue and filled me in on all the pertinent details. Which I shall now share with you and, indeed, posterity.

FacePimp
Obligatory Diana reference #solemn

AdeMitchell
This is like a porn film with no porn.

andyb2910
They should show this to the prisoners of Guantanamo Bay - more effective than waterboarding.

millsymoomoomoo
Ooh a london bus on the wrong side of the road

FacePimp
Obligatory Diana reference 2 #insulting

MissWendabella
wow...typical student accomodation...just like mine when I was at college...ha

TallulahMiggins
Could they not have got an English English-speaking person to check the damned script?

BrenUK
He's groping her arse! Nice one Wills. That's what I call Royal protocol.

MrsStephenFry
Stephen and I are watching Will and Kate: the Movie. It's like a fairytale - without a fairy. Or a tale.

FacePimp
Obligatory Diana reference 3 #comparisons

jonanamary
Kate, a tip: keep your knees together when getting out of a sports car.

castiels_angel
I love how an hour & a half after the film started my auntie just piped up "Is that meant to be Kate?". The power of acting.

Ross_Lawson
THEY WERE ON A BREAK!!!!

bilbobaggins2k
She's never cut a cucumber in her life!

emmylouscutt
I keep waiting for Ben Cross to shout 'I was in Chariots of Fire you know!'

DirtyMackem
Is this our generation's Mr Darcy moment?

rahulmansi
'Assuming, Miss Middleton, that you wear undergarments.'

matton79
"I can assure you I wear undergarments."

hooflethroid
I don't wear 'undergarments' #justsaying

keithy73
I love American made shows set in Britain like #williamandkate. Has anyone shouted "wanker" yet?

Yeloop
When is Wikipedia going to be updated with all the new facts we have learned today?

hooflethroid
I've just realised the nice couple in this story have the same names as Prince William and Kate Middleton. How odd.

FacePimp
Obligatory Diana reference/flashback #tragic

Disco_Jesus
I know whenever i go camping in africa, i always take my chaise lounge and silverware with me

gaby_w
Best Green Screen EVER

Yeloop
WHEN DO THEY SING ACUNA MATATA?

Ross_Lawson
I can't believe Kate went back to her home planet.

rastansaga360
and i hear the sequel is being shown next Friday

I can't wait.

Just You Wait And See

So yesterday Norman Wisdom passed away, age 95. Apparently his mental health had been failing for some time, and this was suitably reflected in a number of tributes wrongly attributing him as co-writer of There'll Be Bluebirds Over The White Cliffs of Dover. To be fair, that is what his Wikipedia entry said at the time the lazy journalists looked it up, but to be harsh, they shouldn't believe everything they read on the internets.

For those of you not familiar with Twitter, what's it like in the Stone Age? here are some more Norman Wisdom "facts".


rpcompaneros
#NormanWisdomFacts Norman Wisdom invented toothpaste
»
Mr Farty
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman played Gort in the original movie The Day The Earth Stood Still. His visor was operated by a trained gerbil.
»
TheCockOfJesus
#NormanWisdomFacts He thought Albania was an affliction affecting hair colour and eye sight.
»
TheConnArtist
#NormanWisdomFacts He thought Albania was a shithole.
»
rpcompaneros
#NormanWisdomFacts Wisdom once climbed Everest, Mount Fuji and Ben Nevis. This was collectively known as the Norman Conquests
»
Mr_Neurosceptic
#NormanWisdomFacts Norman's brother Saxon wasn't famous for anything. He did try to invent waterproof cardigans for cats. They failed.
»
RANTINGMALE
#normanwisdomfacts he used the alias of big_norm and won the 2008 UK online poker championship, but gave his purse to a squirrel sanctuary
»
BertSwattermain
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman was 6'3", but he insisted on hiring basketball teams as his entourage.
»
rantyman
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman was runner up in the 1937 series of X-Factor, losing out to a troupe of Morris Dancing gerbils
»
Mr_McChin
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman founded Lidl as he was sick of paying full price for Bratwurst.
»
BertSwattermain
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman was the stunt co-ordinator for the PG Tips chimp adverts.
»
BertSwattermain
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman was the recently fired drummer in Lordi. It broke his heart and he never recovered.
»
Rantyman
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman's famous cap was woven from the carefully collected pubic hairs of his wife
»
MrFarty
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman Wisdom invented cheese.
»
Mr_McChin
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman was the only man to successfully scale Jo Brand.
»
Mr_McChin
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman was known to his mates as 'old green bollock'.
»
MrFarty
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman Wisdom won the 1982 Nobel Prize for ending the war between ghosts and zombies.
»
Mr_Neurosceptic
#normanwisdomfacts "The Sandwich Man" is the only film available on DVD in North Korea.
»
Mr_Neurosceptic
#normanwisdomfacts Norman Wisdom had three ribs removed so he could suck his own Y-fronts.
»
Mr_Neurosceptic
#normanwisdomfacts Norman Wisdom turned down the role of Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver because he only had a license to drive a lawnmower.
»
Mr_Neurosceptic
#normanwisdomfacts Zookeepers used to show chimpanzees Norman Wisdom films to stop them biting their toenails.

You're really not missing much.

Twitterfail

Hmmm. No response from Twitter on mobile, Twitterfox, Firefox, IE8, Tweetdeck - there's some kind of pattern emerging there. I'd better tweet about it and see what my tweeps make of it all. No, wait...

Shaun of the Dead on Twitter

ShaunotD:
Listening to The Specials - Ghost Town ♫ http://blip.fm/~8mcy0

ShaunotD:
Sitting @ pub munching hog lumps. @LittlePrincess seems to be upset for some reason. What does exacerbate mean?

answers:
@ShaunotD New A: Go to this URL http://bit.ly/2ClRM

LittlePrincess:
In pub with @ShaunotD @TinyDi @4eyes. Again. #someonekillmenowplease

Email from Twitter to BarbaraMum:
Ed2seconds is now following you on Twitter!

Ed2seconds:
Listening to The Blue Wrath - I Monster http://is.gd/1nviF

Ed2seconds:
Vegetating @ ShaunotD's playing Timesplitters 2 #retrogames

BigPete:
Really pissed with @Ed2seconds. #andidontmeandrunk

NoodleNoel:
d Ed2seconds Got nething? @Eball says u was holding.

Ed2seconds:
d NoodleNoel No man, I've only got an 'enry meself. L8rs!

ShaunotD:
Listening to Kernkraft 400 - Zombie Nation ♫ http://blip.fm/~8rr8y

ShaunotD:
At work. @Ash off sick and made me fucking King of the Zombies

NoodleNoel:
@ShaunotD You've got red on you.

King:
RT @NoodleNoel: @ShaunotD You've got red on you.

Yvonne:
@Shaunotd How are you doing?

ShaunotD:
@Yvonne Surviving.

ShaunotD:
Fuck. Forgot to book anniversary table @ theplacethatdoesallthefish. @LittlePrincess will go apeshit. #hellomynameismud

LittlePrincess:
@ShaunotD Goodbye, Mud!

LittlePrincess has blocked ShaunotD

ShaunotD:
Listening to Chicago - If You Leave Me Now ♫ http://blip.fm/~9dq1i #shuffle

Ed2seconds:
@ShaunotD Lets have @BloodyMary, bite @King's head x2@LittlePrincess stagger back & bang! Back @ bar 4 shots #Howsthatforasliceoffriedgold?

FUCKME:
@ShaunotD Want more followers on twitter? Add more friends the easy way with twadder --> http://bit.ly/e75Ch

Ed2seconds:
RT @BigAl: Dogs can't look up.

ShaunotD:
Singing Grandmaster Flash - White Lines ♫ http://blip.fm/~9a13a

ShaunotD:
Listening to Man Parrish - Hip Hop Be Bop (Don't Stop) ♫ http://blip.fm/~94nyk <- 2nd album I ever bought

BigPete:
@ShaunotD It's fucking Sunday and I've got to go to fucking work in four fucking hours because every other fucker (read more via Twitlonger)

Ed2seconds:
@BigPete Fuck, yeah!

BigPete has blocked Ed2seconds

Ed2seconds:
@Shaunotd Next time I C @BigPete he's dead. #twatcanttellhiphopfromelectro

ShaunotD:
My Daily Twittascope - The cycle of your life seems to be endlessly repeating itself. Set your sights high today. And you've got red on you.

Ed2seconds:
Morning, tweeps! I could murder a Cornetto!

Email from Twitter to ShaunotD:
BloodyMary is now following you on Twitter!

Ed2seconds:
LOL @ShaunotD snogging @BloodyMary http://twitpic.com/9bgvm didn't take him long 2 get over @LittlePrincess!

ShaunotD:
I just wounded @BloodyMary in an assassination attempt. #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy from Spymaster

Ed2seconds:
I just assassinated a one-armed bridegroom. #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy from Spymaster

JeremyThompson:
The attackers can be stopped by removing the head or destroying the brain #notusingthezedword

ShaunotD:
@metpolice Help! Being attacked by really, er, strange people #notusingthezedword

Twitter Status: Problem with All Tweets feed

ShaunotD:
I just assassinated a checkout assistant. #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy from Spymaster

Ed2seconds:
I just assassinated a random fat bloke. #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy from Spymaster

Ed2seconds:
RT @King: RT @NoodleNoel: @ShaunotD You've got red on you.

ShaunotD:
@Ed2seconds I heart @LittlePrincess.

Ed2seconds:
@ShaunotD Gay. #notthattheresanythingwrongwiththat

ShaunotD:
@Ed2seconds TakeCarGo2MumsKillPhilGrabLizGo2tehWinchesterHaveANiceColdPintAndWaitForAllOfThis2BlowOver #Howsthatforasliceoffriedgold?

ShaunotD:
@BigPete We're going to the pub. If you're feeling better later, you're ++welcome to join us.

Twitter has suspended @BigPete's account in response to unusual activity.

Ed2seconds:
Just borrowed @BigPete's car. Oops, just ran over something...or someone. Meh.

BarbaraMum:
RT Ed2seconds: RT @King: RT @NoodleNoel: @ShaunotD You've got red on you.

Ed2seconds:
Seem to have pranged @BigPete's car. He's going to be pissed #andidontmeandrunk Oh, look! A Jag!

King:
@ShaunotD Are we following you? #cluelessabouttwitter

Email from Twitter to ShaunotD:
TinyDi is now following you on Twitter!

4eyes:
d TinyDi I'm not going out there.

TinyDi:
d 4eyes I don't want to be torn to pieces and if you think about it, neither do you.

Email from Twitter to ShaunotD:
LittlePrincess is now following you on Twitter!

Email from Twitter to ShaunotD:
4eyes is now following you on Twitter!

Ed2seconds:
@Niggaz 'sup?

Ed2seconds:
Listening to Eighties Matchbox B-Line Disaster - Mister Mental http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrROZRbeap8

Ed2seconds:
Goin for a spin in @King's Jag, feelin a bit dizzy LOL

ShaunotD:
Don't think @King was too happy having us in his car. Taking a shortcut now. Tweet later.

Twitter Status: There is a problem - don't panic

ShaunotD:
I just attempted to assassinate @DressingGownBloke, but failed. #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy from Spymaster

TinyDi:
Trying to teach my tweeps to act like vegetables #easierthanyouthink

Ed2seconds:
@ShaunotD Who died and made you fucking King of the Zombies?

NoodleNoel:
d Ed2seconds You get nething yet?

Ed2seconds:
d NoodleNoel I got nothing, I'm in the middle of something. It's weird.

ShaunotD:
@Ed2seconds Fuck fucking off! I've spent my entire life sticking up for you and all you ever do is fuck things up (read more via Twitlonger)

ShaunotD has blocked @Ed2seconds

4eyes:
Fuck this for a game of soldiers. Window - say hello to trashcan. #iamsocharltonheston

Trending Topics on Twitter - #twitterfail, #undead, #reanimated, #zombies, #brains, Michael Jackson, #followfriday

ShaunotD:
Going for a run. What did @FUCKME say?

FatZombie:
#followfriday @ShaunotD tasty #brains

Email from Twitter to ShaunotD:
Wheelchairzombie is now following you on Twitter!

Email from Twitter to ShaunotD:
Oldladyzombie is now following you on Twitter!

Email from Twitter to ShaunotD:
Bikerzombie1 is now following you on Twitter!

Email from Twitter to ShaunotD:
Bikerzombie2 is now following you on Twitter!

Email from Twitter to ShaunotD:
MichaelJacksonzombie is now following you on Twitter!

ShaunotD:
Was really pleased to have 200+ new followers till I found they were all robots #notusingthezedword

ShaunotD has unblocked Ed2seconds.

Ed2seconds:
@ShaunotD Might be a bit warm, the cooler's off.

ShaunotD:
@Ed2seconds Thanks, babe!

ShaunotD:
RT @BertrandRussell: The only thing that will redeem mankind is cooperation. <- I think we can all appreciate the relevance of that now.

Ed2seconds:
Listening to Queen - Don't Stop Me Now http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58CJih1iYC0 #shuffle

4eyes:
I just attempted to assassinate @Queen, but failed. #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy from Spymaster

ShaunotD:
I just assassinated @Johnlandlord. #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy from Spymaster

Ed2seconds:
@ShaunotD Why didn't you just shoot him, man?

ShaunotD:
@Ed2seconds for the last time, it's OMFG! #needcleanunderwear But dogs CAN look up!

ShaunotD:
I just assassinated @BarbaraMum. #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy from Spymaster

ZombieNation:
We just assassinated @4eyes. Om nom nom! #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy from Spymaster

TinyDi:
Listening to Average White Band - Pick Up the Pieces ♫ http://blip.fm/~9jf1q

ShaunotD:
#fuckadoodledoo @BigPete finally made it to the pub. He looks pissed. #andidontmeandrunk

Ed2seconds:
@BigPete Don't groan at me, you thick fuck!

ShaunotD:
I just assassinated @BigPete. #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy from Spymaster

ShaunotD:
I just assassinated @CockacidalManiac. #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy from Spymaster

LittlePrincess:
Going down on @ShaunotD

LittlePrincess:
Oops WITH. Going down WITH @ShaunotD and @Ed2seconds. To the cellar #mindlikegirlonetrack

ShaunotD:
@Ed2seconds I love you, man!

Ed2seconds:
@ShaunotD Gay! #someonekillmenowplease

ShaunotD:
Moving up in the world. Not coming back to this pub. #deadheadcentral #notusingthezedword

Yvonne:
I just assassinated @ZombieTwins. #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy from Spymaster

Yvonne:
@ShaunotD @LittlePrincess How are you doing?

Shaunandliz:
@Yvonne Surviving.

ShaunotD:
Listening to Queen - You're My Best Friend http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4vQwrHZWWk

Ed2seconds:
Vegetating @ ShaunotD's playing Timesplitters 2 #retrogames



Thanks to Simon Pegg and Ed Wright for the film, Script-o-rama for the transcript and Madhattermommy for the idea.

The Hymen Manoeuvre

So. Just another quiet weekend at Farty Towers. Up at 7:30 on Saturday morning for a pee. Dither over whether to stay up. For about a nanosecond. Wake up again at 9:30, that's more like it. Make bacon sandwiches. You get the idea.

Blah blah blah Britain's Got Talent crap except for that little black girl blah blah.

Blah blah blah Eurovision. Denmark's attempt to clone Ronan Keating - creepy; Germany using a stripper to boost their vote - FAIL. Russia - as host, superb production values; their own entry - not so much. France - completely forgettable¹. Spain sitting there all alone on nul points until neighbouring Andorra took pity and gave them twelve. Nope, not political at. all. UK could have done better if Andrew Lloyd Webber had stayed off stage.

Lloyd Webber

And well done to Alistair Darling's love-child on pulling it off for Norway.

Alistair Darling

Love Child

Anyway. Today. I've made roast chicken, parsnips, boiled potatoes, carrots, sweetcorn and gravy, nothing fancy. Mrs F compliments me on my cooking. Little Miss F has just gone outside for some fresh air. Drummer Boy ² goes to check up on her, then comes running back inside.

"What?" asks Mrs F, "tell me what's wrong!"

Not a word comes from him, although his face has gone a funny colour.

LMF comes running in behind him, all in a panic. By this time he's bending over, facing away from us and pointing to his back. Mrs F realises what's wrong and thumps him on the back. "Has that cleared it?" He shakes his head.

This is where Mr Farty steps up to the mark, puts his nose to the grindstone and leaps into action. I ♥ mixing metaphors. Read this bit from the bottom up.



Step up behind. Hug below ribcage. Squeeze. Hard. Again. Take a bow.

So yeah, I just totally saved someone's life. Fuck me.

Having choked up the piece of chicken that was stuck in his throat, he then showed his Scotch credentials and asked for ice cream.

"Christ, how can you be thinking about pudding at a time like this?" I asked.

"Naw, it's for my sore throat," he croaked. "That bit chicken scratched it on the way up."

So Mrs F called NHS 24 and told them all about our little drama, including me giving DB the Hymen Manoeuvre to dislodge the chicken. "What? Oh, Heimlich. Right." And they asked him to drop in for a checkup.

Anyway, he's just been to A&E³ to get it checked out and they say he'll be fine. Just so long as he remembers to chew before swallowing.

¹ No, really. I don't remember the French song. Was it any good?
² I've decided to call him this at least until he marries my daughter. It's shorter than Potential Second Son-In-Law.
³ ER

Typo Tuesday

If you're following me on Twitter you'll have seen this already. For the rest of you - can you guess what it is yet?



And if there's anything else you'd like to see illustrated, drop me a line.

I Do Not Fucking Believe It

You might need to click for a better look.