I Learned Something Today

I've been catching up with reruns of The Big Bang Theory and after hearing the theme song half a dozen times in a row I looked up autotroph and it turns out they are the organisms at the bottom of the food chain pyramid which live off of inorganic matter and convert it into organic molecules using photosynthesis and that.

Which totally screws up my post on Inorganic Food.

Bugger.

Also, I had been led to believe that energy and matter are different forms of each other, in the same way that space and time are inextricably linked, and that all of these are basic building blocks in the universe; that they can neither be created nor destroyed, merely changed from one form to another.

So imagine my astonishment when the lady on another telly show said that some DIY enthusiasts had managed to create both space and light simply by knocking through a wall in an old house.

Wonders will never cease.

Outrage Over Health Claims For Water

Medical professionals were outraged today over claims that water might be "good for you".

In an article posted last week on the highly-regarded medical journal The Internet, it was claimed that the chemical compound H₂O, commonly known as "water", could confer miraculous health benefits, including thirst relief, moisturising and even a reduction in the amount of skin bacteria.

"I'm outraged," said Dr. Malik Singh of Harley Street, London. "These claims are totally spurious and unsupported by any big-pharma financed, long-term, double-blind, highly lucrative clinical trial. This substance must be regarded as potentially dangerous until proper doctors have been paid a fortune to conduct and publish a peer-reviewed study that no-one will bother to read."

The author of the article, Joe Mumble, was unrepentant, claiming that H₂O was perfectly safe when diluted repeatedly with itself to the point where less than one molecule of the original substance remained per litre of water. "Furthermore, when just one glass of this is taken with a handful of antiviral drugs, it can definitely help reduce the symptoms of both HIV and AIDS. On its own, not so much."

An NHS administrator who wished to remain anonymous explained, "While this substance has admittedly been in use in NHS hospitals for decades, its primary function has always been seen as an industrial solvent. It's also used in small, carefully-controlled quantities as a sterilizing agent for surgical instruments, but our clinicians are always very careful to remove all traces of it with a greasy cloth before use in the theatre. I certainly wouldn't recommend drinking the stuff, I'd rather pour raw bleach down my throat."

Resolutions Revisited

So, I just checked out my new year's resolutions from this time last year and guess what? Oh crap.

Last week I caught up on last year's Sunday Night Xmas Project. Still got months of other stuff still to see, including Pirates of the Caribbean 2 - yes, I've just seen 3, so I can guess who wins.

Still haven't used the digital photo frame - anybody want one? I really don't see the point.

Doctor Who gets to fight an old enemy tomorrow, so no change there then.

I now have a printer/scanner, which I've used more for printing than scanning. Sorry.

Blogroll. Oops. Just look at who I'm following on Twitter, it's far easier.

My resolution for 2010? 1152×864. I am such a geek.

Happy New Year!

I'm An Asshole

The clue, mes amis, is in the name.

I've got visitors coming and the place is a 'king mess. 'King hell, there's no time, I'll just sweep the worst of it under the carpet and hope they're too polite to mention it.

But first...

When is L smaller than M but bigger than XL? No cheating.

A recent autopsy on King Henry VIII showed that he had brain damage from a jousting fall, plus syphilis. Was he mad? Well, he wisnae very pleased.

Scotchland is on the brink of seceding from the union with Englandland, taking her cue from Texas. All hail 'King Mel!


How can you guarantee re-election without rigging the vote? Apparently you could do worse than dropping dead of a heart attack after rescuing your town from the great muskrat crisis of '08. I love you Merkans. So much blog fodder just sitting there...

My new motto: Any solution that depends on people not being lazy morons will never work. So true...

New government health and safety initiative: Children to be put to death "for their own good". That'll keep the pedos at bay. Except the necrophiliacs, I suppose. Feck, this blog is going to get a lot of hits for all the wrong reasons.

Coming soon: Farty's Fuckit List. Are you on tenterhooks yet?


How about now?

Totally Awesome Post

Er...

Um...

It says here that you should write about your own experiences, that always goes down well.

So, yes, this one time I was on holiday in Majorca and the Germans were all up at 6am and put their towels on the sun loungers to "book" them, then disappeared again. Then at 7am the hotel staff came along and threw all the towels in the swimming pool.

Hmmm.

Well, it made me laugh.

Another thing? It seems that people who spend 20% of their time at work surfing the net for fun are 9% more productive than those who don't. I need to spend more time surfing.

I should change the title of this post to "Crappiest Post Ever".

Normal service will resume as soon as I find my blogging mojo.

Technoranti

Updated: Welcome, BOSSY's readers!

It's this blog's second birthday, yay!!!

My loyal readers reader has suggested that in accordance with the rules for two-year-olds, I should throw a tantrum, so here goes...

I took a look at this Technorati thing after hearing that Jenny the Bloggess is in the top 2,500 and it says this blog is right up there in the top five.Million. Sigh.

But apparently by "claiming my blog" I can get access to lots of cool¹ Technorati gadgets that'll help me improve my rating. No problem...

<clicky> Register with Technorati.

<clicky> Confirm you're the owner.

<clicky> Claim that blog!

Oh.

It seems that my blog has been "flagged", WTF that means...

<clicky> blah blah Sploggers? blah blah...DOs and DON'Ts blah blah

• Do not republish content from other sites without adding your original commentary or reaction.

Hells, I live to add my own commentary or reaction!


• Do not tag exessively [sic] ...over-use of tags in your posts...blah blah blah

btw, have you noticed my new tag cloud? Over on the right and down a bit...yep...stop. There. I had to tweak it a bit to show just the tags that occur seven times or more in my blog, otherwise the tag cloud would be bigger than the page. That's not excessive...is it?


• Do not publish posts with nonsense text.

*cough*


• Do not be overly repetitive.

Which is why I've given up my Friday Chart. That and boredom.


• Do not use links that take the reader to completely different content than what is expected.

Would I do that? Oh, you mean the Stab-O-Mizer video tutorial? Sorry 'bout that.


• Do not promote ... objectionable content.

What, and lose most of my blogroll and half one of my readers? Fook off.

But just to add insult to injury, when I went to claim my other blog² it turns out that that one has a higher rating than this one.

Just a few million higher, admittedly, but still. That stings. Especially since I haven't posted anything there in months.

I'd post something over there right now, but now I'd be worried that I might pull down its blog ranking, sigh.

No, wait. Is 4,978,471 better bigger than 1? Hey, I'm a GREAT blogger! Yay me! Maybe I will do that nude photoshoot after all!


Brrr!

¹ But are they as cool as my patented Stab-O-Mizer??? Hells no!

² You do know I have another blog, right? Well, I say mine. Actually, it has lots of authors. Most of them can even do joined-up writing. I just forget it's there administer it. Wanna join in?

Random News

Salt.

We're all out of it, apparently. I blame the burglars. They must have sneaked in through an open window when we were off to that burglary summit with Jacqui Smith yesterday. Now what the feck are we supposed to put on our fish and chips?

There is no shoe.

President-baiting seems to be the new fashion, with shoes flying thick and fast when they're around. Unless you happen to be reading Chinese newspapers, which oddly failed to mention when their own premier was shooed off (me so funny) mid-speech at Cambridge University.

If you can't blind them with science...

Scienticians have developed a technique to make Gummi Bears out of cancer cells. And make them glow in the dark. Cool. Chocolate-flavoured semen can only be days away.

A question of sport.

If you're watching your favourite game, would you rather it was interrupted by porn or adverts? Personally, I couldn't care less, unless it's something really important, like ITV's coverage of the O.J. Verdict.

Beavers returning to Scotchland.

They're cute, they're furry, they're wet and they smell of fish. What's not to love? Also, some wild animals that were hunted to extinction four hundred years ago have been reintroduced to Scotch habitats. I can't wait to get my binoculars out and go for a bit of beaver spotting at the shower block of Embra University's female halls of residence.

Restraining order permitting.

Toot toot!

My Comments Are Broken

It's the only possible explanation.

This Is Not A Real Post

I suddenly realised that all those posts building up on my reader, although funny, thought-provoking or at least interesting enough that I signed up to read them in the first place, aren't actually compulsory. It's getting too much like a job to try and keep up.

So I decided to do what I really want, which is start reading Jenny the Bloggess's archives from start to date.

Feel free to peruse my own archives while you wait. The best bits are in my sidebar marked "Best Bits". I'm so kickass. If kickass means lacking originality.

I may be some time.

Objection!

Here's a question for anyone who's ever been involved in a court case, whether as a juror (me), a witness (Mrs F), a policeman (one nephew) or whatever (hi, J-Dub!).

Have you ever seen a lawyer become so incensed with his/her opposite number's line of questioning that he/she's leapt to their feet and yelled: "Objection!!!"

Or even just said it in a normal voice?

Or shouted at a witness?

Or dramatically produced a vital piece of evidence out of thin air on the last day of the trial?

Or forced the defendant to break down in tears and change their plea to guilty?

No, me neither.

That's why I don't watch those court dramas like Law and Order, Boston Legal, Special Victims Unit, LA Law, Perry Mason, I could go on.

Mrs F loves them, naturally.

I prefer something with at least a touch of realism.

But maybe that's just me?

Resolutions

Bleargh, what day is it? Friday already? Result!

Well that was an excellent start to the year, so let's see how I can keep up the momentum. I know! I'll think up some New Year's Resolutions. Nobody's ever done that before! *cough*

BOSSY asked for this in Ten Words recently, I forget what day it was, and I guess I may have been a little bit flippant when I said: "Update blogroll. Scan photos into Flicka. Find cure for cancer."

Yeah, like I'm ever going to scan those photos. Did I mention the driver disk for the scanner finally turned up amongst a pile of music CDs? About a few weeks months ago. So yay. That could still happen.

And I updated my blogroll just yesterday. Everybody say hello to Lesley at Um...What?? Three times now I've seen her comments in places and clicked through and thought, "Wow! This is an amazing blog!" So yeah, this time I remembered to blogroll her. Ooh, snap! One of these days I promise to clear out the crap, you know, the links that no longer work because some people have got a life abandoned blogging in favour of sitting in front of the telly.

Talking of telly (tv if you're a Merkan), having been away for both Eckmas and Hogmanay, I now have a mountain of stuff recorded off the boob tube. Some of it's topical, so I'll probly try to watch it over this weekend, but FFS I still haven't seen the Ecksmas Dr Who, so no spoilers please. Although, come to think of it, after forty-odd years I think I can detect a pattern emerging. Let's hazard a guess:

• Having the entire Universe and all of Time to roam in, The Doctor arrives in an exciting new destination, such as Cardiff or London (Cardiff dressed up to save on production costs) in the near future or recent past.


• The Doctor meets a new alien race such as the Daneleks, Sontarans (yawn) or Cybermen. Yeah, I know that much.


• The Doctor decides that the aliens are getting a bit uppity with his favourite race, the humans.


• After a brief struggle, The Doctor uses his sonic screwdriver or similar gadget to utterly destroy the aliens. Again.


• The Doctor declares: "I've learned something today. No, wait, that's South Park."

So, getting a bit predictable. It's not even as if The Doctor can be killed, 'cos he just resurrects into a new body, so you know he'll always triumph. You could argue that if The Doctor was totally killed, it would kind of shorten the series, but look at Taggart. Mark McManus died fifteen years ago in mid-episode and they just kept on filming. Still going now, as far as I know. I don't really know, I've never watched it, but still, hey. If they can lose the central character, so could Dr Who. Yeah.

Where was I? Resolutions. Catch up on some telly. Right.

And save some money towards Little Miss Farty's wedding next year. Thank goodness I bought all those shares in Lehman's, The Officer's Club and Woolworths. They must be worth a fortune by now, right? Right?

Oh yeah. I got a digital photo frame for Ecksmas. I haven't opened the box yet, but if I should inexplicably drop off the interwebs in the next few days, well, it's been good. I really love you guys.

Toot toot!

Just Because You're Paranoid Doesn't Mean They're Not Out To Get You

So, what happened was this. Little Miss Farty sent me an email from work last night. Because playing on the internets is so much more rewarding than working she loves me so much. Scroll down to see the picture. I showed it to Mrs F and she said I should send a reply, so I replied "Haha, very funny. Get back to work." Then I hit "send", as you do.

A fraction of a second after releasing the mouse button, I realised that although her email had been addressed to my real name, Outlook had helpfully changed my sender name to "Mr Farty". Thanks, Microsoft. Thanks a fucking bunch.

So the phone rings. "Dad, did you just send me an email as "Mr Farty"?

"Er, yes?"

"Oh. Ok, 'cos I thought my computer had been infected by a virus or something."

"No, no, just my little joke, ha-ha."

"Ok, night-night then, Dad."

"Night-night, sweetheart. Don't work too hard."

And now I'm wondering whether to delete my blog, 'cos how long will it be before she decides, out of curiosity, to google "Mr Farty"?

Update: If my daughter is reading this, remember that there's more than one Mr Farty on t'internets. This one isn't me, it's a complete stranger. Plus, quit slacking and get back to work!

That email...

Always check your child's homework

Keep reading...





That mommy works at Home Depot and this was supposed to be her selling a shovel.

Stuff and Nonsense

Sooooooooooo... out shopping, I couldn't help but notice this in my trolley:

Original. Improved. Now I'm not saying all marketing types are a bunch of coke-addled suits - no, wait. That's exactly what I'm saying.

Police in Glasgow are threatening to arrest anyone caught singing the Hokey Cokey, since it incites religious hatred. Whereas Uptown Girl just incites hatred of talentless Irish cover bands.

Donald Trump, or Donald Fucking Trump as I like to refer to him, has been nominated for the Scot of the Year Award. The usual requirement that nominees should be born on Scottish soil was apparently met by Trump digging up a million tons of fine Aberdeen coastline and exporting it to his New York birthplace.

It should be a close-run race, as he's up against such luminaries as Andy Torn-Face Murray, Gordon Greetin' Broon, Gordon Christhesugly Ramsay and Fred Loser Goodwin. Oh and David Phwoar Tennant.

Finally (for now) - the credit crunch is really taking its toll at Farty Towers. I arrived home early from work today to find Mrs F sewing a turkey's head onto a fish supper. Picture that if you can.

Toot toot!

Dying Of Man Flu

*cough* *cough* *cough*

Feck. I hate it when I don't feel well. Seriously, I'd rather be back at work but somehow I don't think they'd thank me for coughing all their germs that they infected me with FFS! back over them. At least, the last time I tried that, they gave me evil eyes, there's gratitude for you.

Anyway.

Am I the only one who's noticed that you never see Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana in the same room at the same time? Not that I'm suspicious or that, but...

Miley Cyrus
Hannah Montana

There's an old joke about the ambassador's wife at a big function in Hong Kong showing up with a fancy brooch on her dress with pretty Chinese characters on it, which then totally gives her a red face because it turns out the symbols translate as "Official Badge, City of Hong Kong, Registered Prostitute #324" (I may have got the number wrong). Thank feck that sort of thing's never happened in real life. In a scientific journal. Like the journal of the Max Planck Institute in Germany. On the front cover. Horny housewives? Really?

Talking of boffins, that work they're doing on their invisibility cloak is moving along nicely. Although, if it were me, the one place I would want to be fully visible would be when I'm halfway across the road on a zebra crossing.



I was planning to do an Ecksmas-themed Friday Chart post with a bar of gold to symbolise Spandau Ballet's classic 80's hit Gold!, but I couldn't find any songs called Frankincense and Myrrh to complete the trio. Meh. WTF is myrrh anyway? Sounds like a happy cat. Another great idea down the drain.





Only a Merkan would think to make handguns available on prescription for the elderly and disabled. As it says in Slashdot, what could possibly go wrong? Hey, I wonder if I could get one of those off the NHS in my present state? *hack* *cough* Those pesky kids are making way too much noise outside. 'Scuse I...

Dream Time

I really should post my own shit before wandering off to read everyone else's blogs. No wonder I never get anything done around here. Be that as it may, I read something about a dream somewhere yesterday and since I myself had a dream that I actually remembered this week, I'll ignore Jenny's advice and share it with you, gentle reader.

So, I was out walking with grandson #2, which, come to think of it, I haven't done since he was in his buggy and he's twelve now, so I should have been on my guard right away, when something caught my attention and I looked up...and up...and up. And there, towering above me, a huge column of thick, black smoke was rising from somewhere not far ahead, spreading out as it rose until it filled half the sky with roiling, churning darkness. I would normally include a photo at this point but wouldn't you know it, I didn't have my camera with me and did I mention that this was a dream?

Anyway. Obviously there was a fire burning at the base of this pillar of smoke, and it must have been growing hotter and hotter all this time because finally it became so intense that it ignited the entire cloud, bright red and yellow flames racing upward at a phenomenal rate as a wave of heat blasted me in the face and chest. Crowds of frightened passers-by fled past me as they tried to escape the growing number of fires - did I mention that there were three or four by now? Well there were, trust me on this, I was there. But I had to press ahead towards the fires, into the blistering heat, to find my errant grandson. Presumably he had gone on ahead while I was blogging about all these fires, the little tyke.

Just then, thankfully, he appeared up ahead, running around the corner towards me. Well I rushed up and grabbed his hand and we raced for safety. Unfortunately the alarm clock chose that exact moment to go off, so I totally missed out on the burning skombie cats, dammit.

PS. Does anyone know how to transfer dream photos onto a blog because that would be all kinds of awesome?

Big Bang

Broomview House, Edinburgh, was demolished today. Little Miss Farty used to live there.



Update: The dust has settled and the barriers have come down. Here's a close-up.



So now you know why they're called "flats". Ho ho ho etc.

So Much To Do, So Little Time

Since I added those new blogs to my reader, it's getting harder and harder to keep up. Despite which, I've had time to notice:

Bottoms up. Councillors in Perth, Scotchland, have proposed that alcoholics should be provided with a drinking den as a means of keeping them off the streets. We have those in Embra - we call them "pubs".

Touched by His Noodly Appendage. Merkan VP candidate Sarah Palin is pro-Flying Spaghetti Monsterism. When asked about her views on whether only evolution should be taught in schools, she allegedly said: "Teach both. You know, don't be afraid of information. Healthy debate is so important, and it's so valuable in our schools. I am a proponent of teaching both."

Jesus H. On the subject of holy schemoly, have you seen this?

More Here.

Me, I'm just a lawnmower. According to New Scientist, boffins at the Jet Physics Laboratory have worked out how to recognise a terrorist by the way his shadow moves when he walks. "In tests on footage shot from the sixth floor of a building, [Adrian] Stoica says his software was indeed able to extract useful gait data." This would totally work with satellite photos too. Unless the terrorists only went out at noon, or lived in Britain: you don't get shadows when it's raining.

There's your problem! According to a source quoted on Slashdot, the fine structure constant, which governs nookular decay, may vary with the Earth's distance from the Sun. FSM, I'd hate it for the astrologers to be right all along! "Ah, you took your measurements when Virgo was in the ascendant, but if you'd done it when Mars was aligned with Uranus, you'd have got twice the number of alpha particles emitted." Personally, I don't believe a word of it, but then I'm an Aries and we're naturally sceptical.

What a scream. Have you ever noticed that if you stand in the street and start screaming, people just look at you as if you're some kind of weirdo, but if you do the same thing in a plane, they all want to join in? I'm so going to get hate mail for that one.

Nightmare. I have this recurring nightmare. I'm in bed with Beyoncé on one side of me and Rihanna on the other side. I don't know which way to turn.

Click your heels together. There's no place like 127.0.0.1.

Toot toot!

Storm Damage

Not, as you might think, New Orleans. This is on the other side of the Atlantic, in South Africa's Morgan Bay.

Click here and scroll down a bit for pictures of the bay in more clement weather. And feel free to rub my nose in my quote "the weather is always good".

Poor buggers.

Village Fête

Now that the Embra Festival is drawing to a close once more, the weather has, naturally, taken a turn for the better. In fact it's been downright sweltering. I'd love to be able to strip off my top and do a bit of Naked Blogging, but those pervy neighbours would just totally get off on my beautiful man-boobs. What to do?

Aha! If I hunt around, I can emulate Adam and Eve and cover my modesty with, er, ivy leaves.

Sorted!



Er...

Sorry if you were drinking tea, coffee or wine. Just send me the dry-cleaning bill.

If this doesn't win me a prize at the Village Fête, well, I won't be at all surprised.

What did surprise me is that Anna is moving to San Francisco. Blimey!

Embra, Athens of the North

Well, it certainly looks a lot like a Greek ruin.

Here we see Embra's delightful West End.


Princes Street, once described by the Poet Laureate John Betjeman as the most beautiful half-street in Europe.


St Andrew Square, heart of the old financial district.


Thank feck the tourist season isn't yet upon us - what would the poor blighters think of us? No, wait...

Still, it'll all be wonderful when the trams finally return in two thousand and *cough*.