No Representation Without Taxation

So Hillary Clinton thinks it would be absolutely wrong to release Libyan Abdelbaset Ali Mohmed Al Megrahi from prison over his alleged involvement in the Lockerbie bombing.

As a US citizen, Clinton pays no UK taxes. And this is perfectly right and proper, but it cuts both ways. As a non-taxpayer in this country, it would be absolutely wrong for her to dictate how our judicial system should operate.

All the more so since the US government has consistently withheld evidence all the way from the initial investigation to the trial and subsequent appeal.

To summarize: Dear Hillary, Fuck off. Yours, Scotland.

Just my twopence worth.

Technoranti

Updated: Welcome, BOSSY's readers!

It's this blog's second birthday, yay!!!

My loyal readers reader has suggested that in accordance with the rules for two-year-olds, I should throw a tantrum, so here goes...

I took a look at this Technorati thing after hearing that Jenny the Bloggess is in the top 2,500 and it says this blog is right up there in the top five.Million. Sigh.

But apparently by "claiming my blog" I can get access to lots of cool¹ Technorati gadgets that'll help me improve my rating. No problem...

<clicky> Register with Technorati.

<clicky> Confirm you're the owner.

<clicky> Claim that blog!

Oh.

It seems that my blog has been "flagged", WTF that means...

<clicky> blah blah Sploggers? blah blah...DOs and DON'Ts blah blah

• Do not republish content from other sites without adding your original commentary or reaction.

Hells, I live to add my own commentary or reaction!


• Do not tag exessively [sic] ...over-use of tags in your posts...blah blah blah

btw, have you noticed my new tag cloud? Over on the right and down a bit...yep...stop. There. I had to tweak it a bit to show just the tags that occur seven times or more in my blog, otherwise the tag cloud would be bigger than the page. That's not excessive...is it?


• Do not publish posts with nonsense text.

*cough*


• Do not be overly repetitive.

Which is why I've given up my Friday Chart. That and boredom.


• Do not use links that take the reader to completely different content than what is expected.

Would I do that? Oh, you mean the Stab-O-Mizer video tutorial? Sorry 'bout that.


• Do not promote ... objectionable content.

What, and lose most of my blogroll and half one of my readers? Fook off.

But just to add insult to injury, when I went to claim my other blog² it turns out that that one has a higher rating than this one.

Just a few million higher, admittedly, but still. That stings. Especially since I haven't posted anything there in months.

I'd post something over there right now, but now I'd be worried that I might pull down its blog ranking, sigh.

No, wait. Is 4,978,471 better bigger than 1? Hey, I'm a GREAT blogger! Yay me! Maybe I will do that nude photoshoot after all!


Brrr!

¹ But are they as cool as my patented Stab-O-Mizer??? Hells no!

² You do know I have another blog, right? Well, I say mine. Actually, it has lots of authors. Most of them can even do joined-up writing. I just forget it's there administer it. Wanna join in?

News Update

Anyway, 84 unread blog-related emails in my inbox notwithstanding, I've decided to post first, read later. That can be another resolution. What have we got?

Some police drivers have been given a ticking-off for parking in disabled spaces while they spend a penny. Talk about taking the piss. (I'm here all night, folks!)

The same source reports that Canadian boffins have discovered too much thinking can make you fat. This explains Kate Moss but not Eamonn Holmes.

Meanwhile just around the corner from me in Inverleith, Embra, the Norse God of Thunder, Thor, disturbed an intruder in his Valhallah flat (apartment). A couple of well-placed thunderbolts soon saw the ne'er-do-well leaping from a first (second) floor window. I'm not one to point fingers or that, but maybe Lothian and Borders Police should check out Loki's underwear for flash burns.

Lazyitis sufferer Leo Jackson actually turned up this year at Embra Castle for the New Year's celebrations. Despite pleas from hundreds of screaming girls, Jackson insisted on finishing his set before lifting the portcullis to let them out.

And now it turns out that throwing a stick can kill your dog. Depending on the sharpness of the stick and how good your aim is (I kid, I kid). In order not to choke the poor beast, an expert encourages the use of an over-sized article, such as Eamonn Holmes.

Air New Zealand has just completed a two-hour passenger flight powered by vegetable oil, which causes fewer emissions than ethanol. Or in my case, cheese. Ahhhh, Wensleydale!

After a two-year hiatus (wait), Sleb Big Brother is back. I only know this, obviously, because I was passing through the living room on my way to the kitchen and spotted a gorgeous chick nice-looking girl on the telly and asked Mrs F, "Who's that girl?"
Without a moment's hesitation, she replied, "Michelle Heaton."
"What, off Hears'ay?"
"No, Liberty X."
"Same difference ¹. I never would have recognised her." Checks TV listings. "In fact, no wonder. That's Lucy Pinder."
"Who?"
"Exactly. I thought this was Celebrity Big Brother? And WTF is Tommy Fucking Sheridan doing on it?"
"That's not the worst of it," replied Mrs F. "They've got Latoya Jackson in there too. Look! There she is."
"Looks more like Michael Jackson, to tell the truth. Haven't you noticed you never see them together? I wonder..."

And then, joy of joys. "Oh, look at the funny wee man! Hahahahaha! Wait a minute, that's midget porn star Bullet McCoy! Holy crap! He's like, mega-famous! I hope they don't let him near the booze, that's all I'm saying. That Golden Autograph of his is legendary."

There were probly some other hangers-on and Z-listers there, but my night was made.

Bullet McCoy

¹ See what I did there?

And Then The Bitch Quit Blogging To Go And Write The Great American Novel, Whoop De Fucking Doo

What?

Everybody Is Someone Else's Weirdo

Mummy, there's a man at the door with a bill!
Don't be silly, dear, it must be a duck.

Redneck: What a Scotchman gets when he goes skiing in March, if he thinks the only protection he'll need is a pack crate of condoms.

Jabba the Hutt off Star Wars^TM has a gay uncle Zero. Why not have a gay, purple, tattooed, 500-kilo alien? Maybe people will stop complaining now about Jar-Jar Fucking Binks. But I doubt it.

A woman had to be cut free after impaling herself on a statue of Kali, the Hindu goddess of destruction. Allegedly she "fell onto the statue while staggering around". Is it bad for my karma if I laugh?

Z-list sleb Jade Goody, who created a Big Bother a couple of years ago by referring to a Bollywood icon as a "dog", "The Indian" and "Poppadom", is to appear in "Bigg Boss". This is some kind of Indian TV show where people are locked up in a house together; wonder where they got that idea from? Did I mention it's hosted by Bollywood icon Shilpa Shetty? Can't wait till it's repeated on Dave...

"Day three hundred and twelve, four am. The fat white bitch is in the kitchen with her head in the oven, but we've switched the gas and water pipes. Vote now to choose between blasting loud Indian music into the house and putting curry powder in the milk again. Who goes mad? You decide." Viewing figures should go through the roof.

TV isn't what it used to be, innit?

Tickle Me Tuesday

So Wendy Alexander has been resigned as leader of the Scotch Labour Party. Who could have seen that coming? Apparently not the Scotch Labour Party. Her decision to quit "came as a shock to her colleagues", who nevertheless wasted no time queuing up to take her place.

EUrocrats have banned a market trader from selling Kiwi fruits because they are 1mm too small. He can't even give them away, so he'll have to pay to have 5,000 of them destroyed. Can someone remind me why the Lisbon Treaty is supposed to be a "good thing"?

The English Football Association (motto: "we know FA about football") has conceded that Engerland is never going to win the World Cup again, and consequently banned competitive football matches for children. Might as well start as you mean to go on.

Plans are also afoot to take away pointy sticks from javelin throwers, force prospective Olympic swimmers to wear armbands and replace real horses with hobby horses at Ascot - can't have those big beasts giving the wee jockeys a nasty kick.

Thank goodness there's still Wimbledon, that's what I say. (Click to enlarge)

Toot toot!

P.S. Click HERE for more Tickle Me Tuesday stuff.

Terminal Decline

Superbitch Naomi Campbell was arrested yesterday after throwing a major wobbly over a lost suitcase at Heathrow's beleaguered Terminal 5.

The tattered old brown leather bag spent several hours stuck in the innards of the chaotic system before finally emerging looking rather the worse for wear.

Her suitcase is still missing.

Spot The Retard

Clue: It's not the one lying face down on the floor.

Grrr!

Update: Some background to this video can be found here.

It's like Big Brother for real.

International Talk Like A Pirate Day

Feck. I been drinkin' grog all day. Hic! Wazzup? Will someone shut that feckin' parrot UP?

Right. Now. Where was I? Where be I? Shouldn't blog after grog. Remember not to post this, Farts.

Right. First up - a Martian Meteorite has crashed in Peru. Well, they say it's a meteorite. So far, it's released some noxious fumes into the environment and made the locals feel pretty sick. If you ask me, it's either the Martian counterpart of yours truly, or the first wave of the invasion fleet. I'm just saying.

Next. Britney's been dropped by her record label, her lawyer and her manager.
Sorry, Britney who?

Oh, another space one. Hurrah! Britain should set up its own Moonbase, according to space boffins. Now, I saw the following quote in the Sun, but for some reason can't find it anywhere on t'internet. I wonder why? Good thing I wrote it down, innit, me fartys? Arrr.
"The Moon could be the greatest archaeological site in the solar system," said Professor Monica Grady.
Um. Archaeology is the study of human cultures, shurely, matey? Finding anything of archaeological significance on the Moon, apart from six (6) Apollo landers and various pieces of assorted tat, including a WWII bomber, certainly would be a great achievement. I won't be holdin' me breath, though.

Czech biker Matej Kus had an accident where his head got run over and woke up speaking perfect English. Well, of course he would, everyone knows English is wired into the human brain. He just gorgot how to speak Czech. Gorgot?

Boffins working on the shed Cloak of Invisibility have almost managed it. All that can be seen is a thin line of light where the object ought to be.

Cool! I can't see him at all.

Did I be mentioning it be International Talk Like A Pirate Day? Arrrr, ye scurvy sea-dogs! I'll lash ye to the mizzen-mast and keel-haul yer miserable bones!

Yarr!

I Am Aghast

I was reading up on Boltzmann Brains, Matrioshka Brains and that today, as you do, when I came across a reference to one of my favourite bloggers. Yes, it turns out that Bossy is in fact a cybernetic brain or supercomputer. No wonder she's so prolific - she doesn't need to eat or sleep. I definitely need to get an upgrade; thinking about one of these...



A stolen bronze statue of Olympic Gold medallist Steve Ovett has been found in pieces on a bonfire. Insert your own punchline here.

More animals in the moos - the recent outbreak of Foot and Mouth Disease has been traced to a government laboratory next door to the affected farms. Bear found to be Catholic, Pope shits in woods, research causes cancer in rats, etc.

Rich bitch Leona Helmsley left her dog $12 million in her will, and now - you've guessed it - the dog is being sued by a former housekeeper for biting her. As the lady's son put it, "That dog got money. That money is going to be taken away from that dog." Sounds like that dog is nothing but Trouble.

Only 12 days to ITLAPD. How will you be joining in the fun, maties? Arrr!

Update: Late breaking animal news - Gorilla Bananas has released a video. Who knew gorillas could play drums?

I'm Not Being Funny, Right...

...but Thursday night's Eight Out of Ten Cats was the funniest ever! When Mouthy opened her gob to make a comment, the first words to emerge were: "I'm not being funny, right -" and Jimmy Carr agreed. After that, whenever she tried to speak, which was roughly every five seconds, she seemed to be stuck on that one phrase. Well, it made me laugh, but I'm just shallow.

I can do deep and profound too. Italian cosmologist Sabino Matarrese of the University of Padova claims, in support of recent observations that the universe contains voids up to a milliard light years across, that dark energy may not exist after all, and that the accelerating expansion of the universe might be explained by the existence of large-scale spherical holes, somewhat like Swiss Cheese. Don't believe me? Look at Google Moon, then zoom in to maximum magnification. You SEE? You SEE?

Here's one that, well, it's a bit hard to classify. A friend was asked to babysit his nephew while mum & dad went out on the ran dan. All went well until bed-time. Uncle got the little 'un into bed and started reading him a story. He chose the one about the Three Little Pigs and the Big Bad Wolf. At the point where "He huffed, and he puffed, and he bleeeeeeeeeeew the house down!", the nephew piped up, in all innocence, "What a fucking bastard!" As you do.

Anybody ever wondered what it means when the computer prompts you to "press any key to continue"?
Now you know.

Caution - Parental Guidance Suggested

Young children - very young children - should only be allowed to read this blog under grown-up supervision.

It says so right here:



2 x gay + 1 x slap = PG

I am such a potty-mouth.

(Thanks to M1nx for this one)

Plagiarist? Moi?

This was going to be a brilliant post about something or other, but someone spoke to me and it went clean out of my head. Must write the fecking things down when I think of them, doh!

Anyway, Spanish Goth mentioned this in his blog so I've stolen borrowed it.

You find the oddest things when you check your site stats to track how people found your blog.
This week it's:
Yaeli shoes - say what?
Fern Britton Coke - I can't believe she would - oh, that kind!
Banoffee Pie - well, I do make the tastiest banoffee pie in the world!
Emily Symons tits/flashing pussy shots/up skirt - Feckin perv! I see she's renegotiated her contract and been allowed to stay in the show barely escaped with her life.
Lorraine Kelly up skirt - naughty Cat!
Farty knickers - say no more - and
How to make slime that farts - can you do that?

And you?

We're off this weekend to the Canada. Can either of you keep an eye on LMF while we're away? Keep her supplied with Pot Noodles and she'll be fine. Ta. But no Quavers.

Toot toot!

I Will Survive

While commenting on Mr Angry's blog today, I managed to confuse Richard Herring with Stewart Lee. It's an easy mistake to make, especially since they used to have their own TV show, Herring and Lee or something like that.

It appears that I am not alone; many people complain that they still can't tell Ant from Dec (Ant's the one on the left), Dick from Dom (pass) or Sonny from Cher (eek!).


I've done a lot worse. There's a work-related one that I can't tell you about, but let's say the bloke didn't take too kindly to being referred to as Judith Chalmers. In fairness, at that time we'd never met face-to-face.

Then there was the time I catalogued a workmate's record collection on the pooter for him and in thanks he taped a few selected albums for me. I thought, "I like that fit bird off Fleetwood Mac. Now is she Lindsey Buckingham or Stevie Nicks?" They'd both joined the band at about the same time and without a copy of Melody Maker to hand, I honestly didn't know which one was which.

Let's see. Lindsay Wagner is definitely a bird
and Stevie Wonder is a bloke.
But he's blind, so he might just think he's a bloke and really be a bird. Hmmm. Well, you can probably guess what happened next, but in order to pad this out a bit, I'll tell you anyway. I asked him to tape that Lindsey Buckingham, who I really fancy. So at a stroke I labelled myself as a rampant homosexualist¹ and wasted several minutes of my life listening to a really crap album.

Changing the subject only slightly, I do know a bloke who is even less conversant with the modern music scene, man, than what I am. He likes Baroque and Vivaldi and crap like that. Just mention crumhorn or lute within his hearing and he goes all wobbly-kneed. Chaucer's Bitch would probably like him. But he claims to know knothing about popular beat combos, so I asked him if he was conversant with the work of:

• Slow Patrol? Nope.
• The Artex Monkeys? Doesn't ring a bell.
• Acorn? Who?
• The Kaiser Chefs? Uh...no.
• Sierra? Sorry.
• Take That? Take What?
• Fergie? Ah, Prince Andrew's ex?

Finally, in desperation, I said, "Surely you've heard of Simon and Garfunkel?"

"Oh, yes, I've heard of him."

Sigh.

¹Maybe I am a gay? After all, I quite like the Hot Lesbian Action in this Janeway/Seven of Nine clip. Yeah, baby, yeah!

The Moons of Uranus

I love to lick the moisture off a juicy, succulent, stoned plum, then bite it in half before I gobble it down. Mrs Farty moans that the juice drips on the rug and makes it wet. There's no need no come to blows over such a fruity delight, so I run my tongue over it while I have a quick nibble. Sometimes I think she is so nasty and quite hard on me, but she says if I'm not careful, it drips, penetrates the carpet and turns to slime. Perhaps I should buy her a pearl necklace to make up for the foul mess. Or perhaps I'll just tease her about it till she decides to snatch it off me.

If you found this article offensive, your porn filter needs a damn good seeing to.

Now nip over to Hot Coffee Girl for more rude words. Be sure to give her a plug.

p.s. Can anyone explain why "I Hat Bill"?

Hit Gossip

Daughter C came traipsing in on Saturday and asked who was on The Friday Night Project? Why, Gossip, I replied. Who? Only the sexiest woman on earth, said I, playing it back for her*. Man, that lady must be the world champion cake eater! Hot or what? And then on Sunday, my new fave popular beat combo rocketed 7 places up the Hit Parade to the giddy heights of...number 31! You go, girl!

I was going to post something about Britney Spears and her "don't look at me, I'm shy" act, but everyone else will be doing that anyway, so I shan't bother.

* omg, I'm hipper than my daughter.

Paris Hilton Full Frontal

Well, I've had this PC for a full month and still not been inclined to download any filthy interweb porn, what kind of sicko am I? But this made me laugh.