Let’s Pretend This Never Happened

Those of you with very long memories may remember my second-shortest post ever.

Well, guess what? Despite constant interruptions from Hailey, Victor and her menagerie of pets, not to mention her adoring readers, Jenny finally finished writing her book.



Let’s Pretend This Never Happened is available for pre-order from all good bookstores. And Amazon.

It. Is. Awesome.

Probably.

I've ordered mine. How about you?

Edward Cullen Eat Your Undead Heart Out

So this week, young, almost teenage girls have been falling over each other to get some of my precious bodily fluids.

They've been very, very persistent, sending me letters, begging me to come and pay them a visit.

And when I eventually arrived, they were clamouring around me in their short, white skirts and tight blouses, demanding to know every little thing about me.

"What do they call you, handsome?"

"What's your star sign?" ¹

"Hey, do you operate, you know, heavy machinery?" They get totally turned on by that.

"So, where do you take your holidays? San Francisco? Equatorial Africa? Anywhere that's had a recent outbreak of a communicable disease?"

"Man, have you done any good shit lately? Smack, crack, anything involving needles, basically?"

And then they got really personal, asking about my sex life and that. Not so much about all the prostitutes I'd murdered but whether I'd had unprotected sex with them, either before, during or after.

Then they gently laid me down and I barely felt the tiny, sharp sting as they began to suck out my lifeblood and I slipped into a daze...

Next thing I knew, I was sipping a nice cuppa tea with my chocolate Hobnobs.

Best thing about it? Not an angst-ridden Twilight fan in sight.

¹ Technically, "What's your date of birth?" But anybody can work out your star sign from that, right? Right.

Roaming In The Gloaming

So I noticed that this week my sex change was commented on in Scottish Roundup, juxtaposed with the most excellent Scotland In The Gloaming. Seriously, I'm not worthy, but that won't stop me nicking their name linking to them for this post.

Be that as it may, I was at a "do" up near Bathgate a couple of weeks ago on one of the few days it didn't rain. A professional photographer had warned me not to bother taking my camera, since there was nothing to see but scenery. Yes, of course I ignored him. Was it worth it? You decide.

Distant Lake
Those cows totally knew I was there.

Walking At Sunset

Roaming In The Gloaming

Through A Glass, Darkly
I rather enjoyed climbing over the wall to get this picture with the sun directly behind the lamp.

Stay With Me Till Dawn

Sunset Over The Loch
Well, I say 'loch'. 'Artificial reservoir' doesn't have quite the same ring to it.

Shameless Plug For Charidee

Just click on the picture already. You know you want to. Go on.

Thank you.

So Near Yet So Far

A short while ago, I submitted an article to top news site NewsArse. Sadly, it was crap they didn't have room to publish it, but I received this very encouraging rejection slip from Newsarse Sumissions [sic]. Hey, it's just like a real newspaper!

Hello everyone,

You are receiving this email after perviously [sic] submitting an article for consideration at Newsarse.com.

First of all, thank you for sending them in. I do read every single submission (the number of which stands at just over 300, and growing daily - so my apologies if you do not get a personal response).

Of those 300 or so submissions I have used 31 to date, some of which have been credited on the site, while others have specifically requested no mention of their name. This will give you some idea of the proportion of stories used, so please don't lose heart if I haven't used one of yours.

My reason for writing to you is to offer encouragement, as I see lots of genuinely funny material, but sometimes it's just not quite 'right' for NewsArse. So, I thought it might be helpful to offer some feedback on the specifics of what I'm looking for.

1. Topicality always takes precedence. If your article is about a well-known current news story, it has a much better chance of being used.
2. If you have an idea for a topical story, but not the time to write it up, send it in anyway. I will pass it on to a writer and you will still receive a credit if it's used.
3. Make it funny. This sounds a bit obvious, no? But think about who the target of the joke is. NewsArse is about satirising current affairs, so focus on the 'target' in your take on events. Who are you poking fun of [sic]? If something strikes you as ridiculous, ask yourself why? After reading your story, it should be blatantly obvious who the butt of the joke is.
3. It should read like a genuine news story. A good headline with a clear indication of the joke helps enormously. The first paragraph should outline the story and potentially the joke itself. Use as many fake quotes as you can. If you are looking for style guidance then look at existing NewsArse stories, or even the news.bbc.co.uk site. There is a reason I mimic their style - they do it best.
4. 200-250 words is a guideline. We've used articles as short as 170, and as long as 500. But if you're going to deviate from that 250-word guideline, it had better be good!
5. Include your preferred method of credit. Do you want me to link back to somewhere on the Internet? Use a different name? It saves me time chasing you if it's in the article already.

And now a little word on advertising. There are a couple of advertisers monitoring our traffic at the moment as they consider placing paying adverts in the next month or so. At that time I will be in a position to share any revenue earned with the authors whose material I use. Do not get too excited, as this is likely to very
small amounts at first, possibly even pennies. However, I am already able to track how many times a post is read, so it will be easy to share this information with you, the authors. Exact payment methods will be defined once the advertisers are in place, though their interest is obviously based on the continued growth of the site. In short, the more visitors the sites get, the more chance of you being
paid for a submission. So please tell all your friends about the site!

In short, keep the stories coming in and take note of the feedback above. I would dearly love to use more of your material.

Kind regards,

The Editor
http://newsarse.com
Treating all news like ARSE.

PS - Feel free to use this address for submissions from now on rather than the form on the site. The form was used to stop spam emails, and none of you have offered to sell me V1agra so far...

Technoranti

Updated: Welcome, BOSSY's readers!

It's this blog's second birthday, yay!!!

My loyal readers reader has suggested that in accordance with the rules for two-year-olds, I should throw a tantrum, so here goes...

I took a look at this Technorati thing after hearing that Jenny the Bloggess is in the top 2,500 and it says this blog is right up there in the top five.Million. Sigh.

But apparently by "claiming my blog" I can get access to lots of cool¹ Technorati gadgets that'll help me improve my rating. No problem...

<clicky> Register with Technorati.

<clicky> Confirm you're the owner.

<clicky> Claim that blog!

Oh.

It seems that my blog has been "flagged", WTF that means...

<clicky> blah blah Sploggers? blah blah...DOs and DON'Ts blah blah

• Do not republish content from other sites without adding your original commentary or reaction.

Hells, I live to add my own commentary or reaction!


• Do not tag exessively [sic] ...over-use of tags in your posts...blah blah blah

btw, have you noticed my new tag cloud? Over on the right and down a bit...yep...stop. There. I had to tweak it a bit to show just the tags that occur seven times or more in my blog, otherwise the tag cloud would be bigger than the page. That's not excessive...is it?


• Do not publish posts with nonsense text.

*cough*


• Do not be overly repetitive.

Which is why I've given up my Friday Chart. That and boredom.


• Do not use links that take the reader to completely different content than what is expected.

Would I do that? Oh, you mean the Stab-O-Mizer video tutorial? Sorry 'bout that.


• Do not promote ... objectionable content.

What, and lose most of my blogroll and half one of my readers? Fook off.

But just to add insult to injury, when I went to claim my other blog² it turns out that that one has a higher rating than this one.

Just a few million higher, admittedly, but still. That stings. Especially since I haven't posted anything there in months.

I'd post something over there right now, but now I'd be worried that I might pull down its blog ranking, sigh.

No, wait. Is 4,978,471 better bigger than 1? Hey, I'm a GREAT blogger! Yay me! Maybe I will do that nude photoshoot after all!


Brrr!

¹ But are they as cool as my patented Stab-O-Mizer??? Hells no!

² You do know I have another blog, right? Well, I say mine. Actually, it has lots of authors. Most of them can even do joined-up writing. I just forget it's there administer it. Wanna join in?

Give Us Your Fooking Bloooood!

This morning dawned bright and clear, with a fresh dusting of snow on the ground, and I thought, "I should totally go and give blood today, how hard can it be?" So I picked up my trusty camera and off I toddled to the blood bank. And this is how it works.

First of all, they check your name, address and date of birth, then give you a form to fill in. Well, I say "fill in", actually it's just tick yes or no in a lot of few boxes.



Next, they prick your finger to get a drop of blood and drop that into a solution of copper sulphate to see how long it takes to sink. This tells them you probly don't have enough iron in your blood to donate any today.



Then they wheel in a trolley, whip out a syringe and take about a fingerful of blood to do a more precise measurement. But they don't take it out of your finger, obv, 'cause that would leave it empty. No, they take it from the inside of your elbow. Then they get you to hold a swab over the hole while they run that test, so you can't hold the camera, sigh.

Finally, they tell you that the minimum level of iron they need is 135, but yours is only 132, so if you'd been a woman that would be ok (so I should have gone ahead with that operation after all) but as it is you can have a free non-alcoholic beverage and a handful of biscuits and then come back in three months when you're fit enough to give blood.

Easy peasy!

I Receive An Electromail

...from some bloke plugging his new book, Venn That Tune, to be published on November 13th. As he puts it, "It’s a book of classic song titles portrayed as Venn diagrams and graphs – what’s not to love?"

Frankly, it looks like a complete ripoff of that genius Salvadore Vincent, whose own excellent series of Venn diagrams illustrating song titles was the inspiration for my own Friday Charts (except that I tend to avoid using Venn diagrams because they're too fecking hard to compose artistically restrictive).

I immediately challenge the imposter, and receive the following cryptic response: "To be honest, Salvadore is a bit overrated and I end up doing most of the work."

How hard can it be? <clicky>



I'm outclassed. Go buy his book. You won't regret it. * thinks - how to illustrate that Walker Brothers hit as a Venn diagram? It's probly in the book *

Nothing To See Here, Move Along

It's been a pretty quiet day, all in all.

You might want to pop over there though. If you can be bothered, like.

Oh Looky!

A new post in The All-New 21st Century yadeyadeya!

Go on! Read it! Now!

Scotch Roundup

Boffins have discovered that the world's oldest joke is about my favourite subject. Phew knew?

In China, web censorship remains in place despite promises to the international media that all restrictions would be lifted. I wonder exactly how many hacks will storm off back home in protest? I won't be holding my breath.

A fourteen-year-old schoolgirl has won the right in court to wear religious jewellery to school, as it's part of her faith. Good for her. I wonder if I can get away with wearing a pirate fish pendant to work on Fridays? Arrrgh!

I was hoping that Tony Hawks would be visiting Embra for this year's book festival, but nae joy. In case you think I've spelt his name wrong, visit the skateboarding section of his website. But not while drinking coffee.

Prince Jug-ears has extended his green credentials by converting his Aston Martin to run on leftover wine. Oxymoron, anyone?

I have yet to be convinced that there's any intelligent life on Earth. Apollo astronaut Ed Mitchell claims that aliens have visited us. Allegedly NASA experts have described them as 'little people who look strange to us' with 'a small frame, large eyes and head.'

Hellooooooo?


Lastly, the gorgeous, pouting Carole Vorderman has kindly written a small post over here for a very reasonable fee. Do pay her a visit and leave some kind comments, please.

Toot toot!

Blatant Plug

Today I will be mostly over there.

Speed-o-Blog

I seem to have accrued rather a lot of snippets, so I'll just rattle off my wit and wisdom. Shouldn't take long.

Firstly, there's the story of the six-foot Canadian. Insert Heather Mills joke here.

Q. What does "ironic" mean?
A. Wrong.

Stereogram photos. Remember those Magic Eye pictures where you had to cross or uncross your eyes to see a 3-D image, and give yourself a thumping headache in the process? You can get the same effect by placing similar photos side by side. More on this in a later post.

If there is no spoon, how am I supposed to eat this soup?

I for one welcome our new Dalek overlords. No, wait. That's not been broadcast yet. Remember, last chance to enter the Summer Caption Competition.

Someone has proven that any Rubik's Cube can be solved in 23 moves. Someone should get a life.

Still resisting the allure of Big Brother. From what I've overheard, I'm not missing much.

Jack Spratt could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean. They were veggies.

Two blondes in the Weeg (Glasgow) are looking up at the moon.
First blonde: "Which do ye think is further away, Embra or the moon?"
Second blonde: "Helloooooooo? Can you even see Embra?"

Oxymoron: Scientifically proven (scientists can only disprove hypotheses).

Finally, tomorrow is the summer solstice, the anniversary of a sad event in my life. This piece of music somehow seems appropriate:



How's my drivelling?

Manic Monday

So much to blog about, so little time.

First things first. Sarah Peach has put together a bloggy book in support of the Warchild charity. And here it is:

You're Not The Only One - Charity Book for Warchild

It's got over a hundred articles in it, culled from some of the best minds in the blogosphere...which explains why I'm not in it. But it does have Anna off Little Red Boat. And Cat in the Cathouse. And Mike off Troubled Diva who did Shaggy Blog Stories last year. Miss Tickle, who sold me the word "sparkling". I could go on.

Tired Dad, Unreliable, enidd, Ariel, Léonie, Misssy, Angela-la-la, even Johnny B. Plus loads who I've never heard of till now.

You get the picture. Now get the book.

The rest of this post can only pale by comparison, but I'm good at shallow, so I'll persevere.

This was one of the first cassette tapes I ever bought. And then I wore it out by playing it on my Walkman all day every day. Oh Patti - Scritti Politti.



IBM have come up with a Roadrunner that can go faster than the one in the cartoons. Actually it's a super-dooper computer, running at petaflops speed. And it's made from spares off a Sony PS3. Now that it's been tested, it's to be disassembled and moved to New Mexico, where it will monitor the US nuclear stockpile.

Three reasons why you should be worried by this development:

1. No disassemble!

2. I'm afraid, Dave.

3. Let's play Global Thermonuclear War.

Oh, crap!

Warriors From Another World

Huge they were. Huge and terrible. They had evil in their eyes, but it's the sound of their voices that'll haunt me to the end of my days. That screaming, deafening ululation, going on and on all around us as if it would never, ever end. The captain had told us they were unthinking beasts, that we could easily defeat them, but he was wrong, so wrong.

Only the gods know from whence they came, what unimaginable distances they must have travelled to end up here in our world. What vast ships they must have built to ferry themselves here! Why did they come? What could our home possibly have to offer them? How did they even learn of our existence? So many questions...

And now they are on our very doorstep! The empire that we spent so long building, nurturing over the centuries, will surely crumble into dust before their assault. They are unstoppable. With my own eyes, I saw men ripped limb from limb in their, their, I don't even have a name for those...pseudopods? Our weapons were useless against their impenetrable skin; they needed no armour to protect them.

The captain said they were led here by humans, traitors to mankind working in league with those, those monsters. But who would be mad enough to trust alien creatures? Once they reach their goal, they shall simply trample their erstwhile allies into the ground, for there can be no reasoning with them.

You may think I've gone mad, but you have to believe me, every word I tell you is true! Do what you must to get the news back to our leaders. They are coming!

Whirlwind

I've been suffering manly in silence from the dreaded Man Flu. I've been at Death's door for three days - yesterday, today and tomorrow - but I've struggled on. Anyway, a couple of aspirin later and it's cleared up. But there's a lot of catching up to do. So without further adieu, a quick clearout of my backlog.

Alice's Restaurant Revisited.
Some bloke's been fined £225 ($450) after his family of five overfilled their wheelie bin, which is emptied every two weeks, by four inches. He now has a criminal record for littering and may be forbidden from joining the army and that as a result. I wonder if the council produced any photos in evidence against him? Yes.

Back Off, Brussels!
Playing the bagpipes has been banned (again - the last time was in 1745) following EU health and safety legislation this time. Noise exposure must not exceed 85 decibels, but the pipes typically peak at 122dB. Pipers have been ordered to turn down the volume or wear earplugs. Since bagpipes don't come with a fricking volume control and pipers can't hear themselves while wearing something designed to prevent them from hearing anything, the poor Scotch now have no way to avoid hearing the missus yapping enjoy their musical heritage.

Does My Bum Look Big In This?
Former Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott has plugged his new book by "confessing" that he suffers from bulimia. Having a former bulemic in the family, I know that the symptoms vary from one person to the next, but always include three familiar signs:

1. The patient thinks they're fat. Check.


2. They stuff their faces in public. Check.


3. They look like skin and bone. Er...

Normal service will resume as soon as I work out what's normal.

4 x 4

Saw this one in Jami's blog. Feel free to pick it up.

4 jobs I have had: Dishwasher in a Chinese restaurant in North Berwick (will wash dishes for Chinese food); Retail clerk in a stationary store (that job went nowhere); Computer Operator (with tapes whizzing around and boxes of punched cards and that - really); Automation Analyst (well, they call it a job: don't tell them I'd happily do it for free).

4 TV shows I actually watch: The Weakest Link (aka Don't Watch Alone: Mrs Farty and I love to mock the halfwits, esp. when we get the right answers; and we keep schtum when we get them wrong too); Torchwood (Captain Jack is hawt); Doctor Who (Captain Jack is hawt); Flight of the Conchords (those crazy Kiwis!).

4 places I have been: Åndalsnes in Norway (before I even went to England); New Orleans (pre-Flood: such a beautiful place); Paris, France (smelly; and French: avoid); Cape Town (sorry, just drifted off...I'd love to go back).

4 foods I like: Chocolate (bet you didn't expect that!); Sweet-and-sour chicken (see above); Mrs Farty's sausage casserole (nuff said); Mr Farty's World-Famous Banoffee Pie. (who knew?)

Naughty Kitteh

Inspired by an actual letter email sent to a blogger who wishes to remain anonymous, see here.

Over There

I've been posted Over There today.

So to speak.

Get Lost

When he's not surfing the interweb for animal porn busy blogging, Mr Farty likes to check out the latest interactive gaming experiences. And he couldn't help but notice this inovva innover clever design fresh out of Japan. It's just jam-packed with features!

1. Saves on cpu cycles by moving all of the processing into the players' own heads.


2. Motherboard created using state-of-the-art etching - with a Samurai sword.


3. Silicon/carbon materials - slate, shell and wood.


4. Display equally visible in strong daylight and indoors.


5. Recyclable components - you can eat any Minstrels/Mint Imperials that you capture.

The rules of Go are pretty simple: surround territory and/or capture prisoners to gain points. Highest score wins. Easy as piss. (e.g. I've been playing for twenty-nine years and I'm just starting to get the hang of it.)

Oh. It's considered good form to always lose to heavily-armed Samurai warriors. I'm just saying.