Farty's Fortunes

Monday, 5 May 2008

A Brief History Of Scotchland - Part 2

Just in case you thought this series was going to be as boring as I remember my own history lessons at school, here's a topical reference to Stoneybridge's very-nearly-successful bid to host the 1996 Olympic Games. By one of those coincidences that can make my hair stand on end, the DVD was finally released today.

And you thought Peterhead was funny?



Spelling was optional when Scotland's national breakfast dish, porridge, porage or possibly parritch was invented.

The super-energy boosting tartan porridge was officially banned by the Sassenachs at a quarter to six, after they got fed up with being invaded by the big, burly, powerful Scotch; today's porridge is, by comparison, just a thin gruel and provides only basic sustenance - enough for caber-tossing, hammer-throwing and that but sadly not for invading England.

(Of course, the Scotch didn't spend all day every day attacking the English, sometimes we simply attacked each other would perform great acts of compassion. Our most famous humanitarian 1 was Sawney Bean.)

Bony Prince Charlie is said to have scarpered back to France (boo!) after losing interest in reclaiming our rightful throne. Apparently he was more interested in dressing up in women's clothes and pretending to be a laydee. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

The Scotch are confident about their sexuality and have embraced the notion of transgender marriages for centuries. Indeed, there are even some island groups named after Scotchmen who have come out of the closet (Outer He-brides) and those who have yet to emerge (Inner He-brides).

There is no clear evidence to show whether the Loch Ness Monster is male or female. The only reliable first-hand description of Nessie can be found about two minutes into this clip:

Anyone adventurous enough to try to discover Nessie's sexual orientation is more than welcome to visit Loch Ness for themselves. Note that the local hotels insist on cash in advance.

1 Vegetarians eat vegetables. Do try to keep up.


Sewmouse said...

Having yet to try the banoffee pie (but still meaning to do!), is it too presumptuous for me to ask for the recipe for tartan porridge?

And how exactly do you manage to get all the coloUrs to stay in such nice, neat rows?

john.g. said...

Some of the porridge i've had would be good enough for the footings of a house!

Mr Farty said...

Sew - It's an art; I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you. I could give you the recipe for tart and custard, though...

John - Now that's proper porridge!

#Debi said...

I guess I must be part Scottish, since I prefer my oatmeal to be more like John describes it. (My mother's maiden name is Scott, so I must come by it honestly...) However, I am Merkan enough to prefer it with maple and brown sugar mixed in...

Mr Farty said...

Debi - If it's no' made wi' a pinch of salt, it's no' parritch! Mmmm, brown sugar, you say? Well, maybe.

Laurie said...

Give me haggis over parritch any day. And I'm 1/4 Scottish. Hmm. Maybe that does explain the haggis thing, although my brother is also 1/4 Scot, and he didn't even want to watch me eating it. He does take more after my mother, though.

Mr Farty said...

Laurie - Haggis, parritch, grouse, bring 'em on! Can't stand beer or, er, scotch though. Ooer.